How do you feel being a mature single at church?

Diamantina · May 2, 2023

I am 56, never married with no kids, a practicing Catholic who is active in my parish. Although I live with my mother (who is bedbound and has dementia) and brother, I go to church by myself. My mother was raised Methodist (my late father's family was Catholic, although he lapsed at a young age). My brother is unbaptized, does not believe in God, and has a negative impression of Christians and Christianity. I think I felt more self-conscious about being single and attending Mass by myself when I was younger, when more people thought I had marriage potential. Now that more people at church take my singleness for granted, I seldom feel self-conscious about it. However, recently I felt a bit irritated at the parish bulletin promo for the "Forever Mothers" group. The group is for mothers of all ages and the promo invites all women of the parish to attend. But what would they do with a childfree woman like me? (I decided at 20 never to have children because of my poor mental health. Since I try to be conscientious about my faith, artificial birth control was not an option for me. That meant that marriage was out of the question — although it took me till I was about 35 to realize that few men, Christian or not, would want an essentially sexless marriage to a broke, fat woman with inactive same-sex attraction. The main reason marriage to a man seemed attractive to me was to leave a chaotic home life and a dysfunctional family of origin. I wanted to receive financial support from an affectionate husband while working part-time and writing novels.)

Anyway... I don't think I would feel welcome in the Forever Mothers group at my parish. I suspect the members would be polite to me, but I would probably feel like an outsider. It would be helpful to have a mature singles group at my parish, as long as the focus was not on pairing up. But that is just my opinion: YMMV.

Faithfulandtrue · May 2, 2023

NotUrAvgGuy said:
Depending on the church you attend, being single over a certain age can be intimidating. You look around and all you see are couples and some young singles. Maybe a few seniors who have lost spouses but often with family. Maybe you have no family at that church or even in town. You are coming to church alone.

For me, the hardest part is the unspoken implied assumption that everyone is married and has or will soon have grandchildren. My pastor frequently makes remarks like "you should be teaching this to your children and grandchildren." Well, my kids either don't go to church or don't go with me and they are adults. None are married and no grandchildren in sight. One Mother's Day, as he was dismissing us, he wished us all a wonderful afternoon with our moms and families as we celebrated. My Mom has been dead for many years and I have no nearby family to celebrate with. Besides, while I do remember and honor my mom, given that I am divorced and my mom is with the Lord, I really don't celebrate mother's day at least not in the way he's thinking.

My church has "Family Wednesday Night" where there is something for the whole family. It includes a divorce care class but the other adult classes are usually geared around marriage or family. Men's groups tend to focus on being husbands and fathers. Not exclusively but it's a major focus. My church also has small groups like many churches. They vary in terms of what they do when they meet but quite a few are specific to young couples or couples in general.

There is nothing wrong with any of that. I'm sure most of the adults at my church are married and most of the ones with adult kids probably have grandchildren. I just wish the church would do more to acknowledge we are not all that way. It could be as simple as saying "if you have kids or grandkids, ...." Or, "if you are spending the afternoon with family celebrating Mother's Day..." I am not asking for them to create an over 30 singles small group. I actually think it's great to have diversity in a group. The young can learn from the old and we can discuss things from different perspectives. I think the modern church does too much dividing by ages, sexes, or life stages. They call it Family Wednesday Night but the only time each family is together is when they arrive and when they leave.

I am not social so personally, I don't need singles potlucks or other social events. That's me though. As a mature single, what if anything would you like to see done differently at your church?

Just prayed for you and your situation. Even though I'm single 30 year old who's never been in a relationship, I can relate to that feeling at church. I know that sting when it seems like the pastor and elders don't acknowledge that not everyone's life fits a certain ideology. We want it to. You're not alone

Citanul · May 3, 2023

Diamantina said:
However, recently I felt a bit irritated at the parish bulletin promo for the "Forever Mothers" group. The group is for mothers of all ages and the promo invites all women of the parish to attend. But what would they do with a childfree woman like me? (I decided at 20 never to have children because of my poor mental health. Since I try to be conscientious about my faith, artificial birth control was not an option for me. That meant that marriage was out of the question — although it took me till I was about 35 to realize that few men, Christian or not, would want an essentially sexless marriage to a broke, fat woman with inactive same-sex attraction. The main reason marriage to a man seemed attractive to me was to leave a chaotic home life and a dysfunctional family of origin. I wanted to receive financial support from an affectionate husband while working part-time and writing novels.)

Anyway... I don't think I would feel welcome in the Forever Mothers group at my parish. I suspect the members would be polite to me, but I would probably feel like an outsider. It would be helpful to have a mature singles group at my parish, as long as the focus was not on pairing up. But that is just my opinion: YMMV.

I had a similar sort of reaction when my church announced that they were planning an outreach to men in the local community. I was interested initially until I got a preview of the topics they were planning to tackle and they all seemed to deal with being a husband or father. The program never actually happened because it was planned for mid-2020 and the pandemic got in the way, but it was disappointing that they didn't seem to be planning to offer anything for single men.

NotUrAvgGuy · May 11, 2023

Diamantina said:
I am 56, never married with no kids, a practicing Catholic who is active in my parish. Although I live with my mother (who is bedbound and has dementia) and brother, I go to church by myself. My mother was raised Methodist (my late father's family was Catholic, although he lapsed at a young age). My brother is unbaptized, does not believe in God, and has a negative impression of Christians and Christianity. I think I felt more self-conscious about being single and attending Mass by myself when I was younger, when more people thought I had marriage potential. Now that more people at church take my singleness for granted, I seldom feel self-conscious about it. However, recently I felt a bit irritated at the parish bulletin promo for the "Forever Mothers" group. The group is for mothers of all ages and the promo invites all women of the parish to attend. But what would they do with a childfree woman like me? (I decided at 20 never to have children because of my poor mental health. Since I try to be conscientious about my faith, artificial birth control was not an option for me. That meant that marriage was out of the question — although it took me till I was about 35 to realize that few men, Christian or not, would want an essentially sexless marriage to a broke, fat woman with inactive same-sex attraction. The main reason marriage to a man seemed attractive to me was to leave a chaotic home life and a dysfunctional family of origin. I wanted to receive financial support from an affectionate husband while working part-time and writing novels.)

Anyway... I don't think I would feel welcome in the Forever Mothers group at my parish. I suspect the members would be polite to me, but I would probably feel like an outsider. It would be helpful to have a mature singles group at my parish, as long as the focus was not on pairing up. But that is just my opinion: YMMV.

I hope that have a women's group for fellowship that has nothing to do with motherhood. Yes, most women become mothers at some point in their life but not all and there is nothing wrong with never becoming a mother (or father). That doesn't necessarily mean you are selfish. Churches, in their zeal to promote marriage and family, often forget about those who don't fit the mold. It's a shame.

TheLastGeek · May 19, 2023

This is relatable. There is a serious dearth of ministry for single adults in most churches, or so I've experienced. Plenty of things to do for the single youth, but people aged 30+ without spouse or kids? Nothing. Sure would be nice to see some open "any adult welcome" events that aren't focused on families, kids, etc. I know that church leadership can only do so much, and if your church is mostly families with children, that's where they need to put a lot of time and attention. But how hard would it be to have an occasional group or outing or activity for just adults that isn't geared towards couples, parents, etc? Just individual human beings?

DragonFox91 · Jun 2, 2023

Does early 30's count? Only couple years till I'll be mid 30s

Sors · Jun 8, 2023

It was extremely awkard at my church until more people got to know me. I think the primary reason is that I am a single father with full custody of my son who is 6. So for the longest time I dropped him off for his Sunday school and then walked down to the Sanctuary for the service by myself. I sometimes got some weird looks by people wondering who this single guy was hanging out around the kids area, not knowing I was waiting to pick him up after the service. Then having to explain to everyone who asks that his mother is not around, we are not together, he was born out of wedlock, she is not a Christian, and hoping they don't judge too harshly. It was really frustrating but has been getting better.

DragonFox91 · Jun 8, 2023

Sors said:
It was extremely awkard at my church until more people got to know me. I think the primary reason is that I am a single father with full custody of my son who is 6. So for the longest time I dropped him off for his Sunday school and then walked down to the Sanctuary for the service by myself. I sometimes got some weird looks by people wondering who this single guy was hanging out around the kids area, not knowing I was waiting to pick him up after the service. Then having to explain to everyone who asks that his mother is not around, we are not together, he was born out of wedlock, she is not a Christian, and hoping they don't judge too harshly. It was really frustrating but has been getting better.

They should know it's hard.

Richard.20.12 · Jun 17, 2023

NotUrAvgGuy said:
Depending on the church you attend, being single over a certain age can be intimidating. You look around and all you see are couples and some young singles. Maybe a few seniors who have lost spouses but often with family. Maybe you have no family at that church or even in town. You are coming to church alone.

For me, the hardest part is the unspoken implied assumption that everyone is married and has or will soon have grandchildren. My pastor frequently makes remarks like "you should be teaching this to your children and grandchildren." Well, my kids either don't go to church or don't go with me and they are adults. None are married and no grandchildren in sight. One Mother's Day, as he was dismissing us, he wished us all a wonderful afternoon with our moms and families as we celebrated. My Mom has been dead for many years and I have no nearby family to celebrate with. Besides, while I do remember and honor my mom, given that I am divorced and my mom is with the Lord, I really don't celebrate mother's day at least not in the way he's thinking.

My church has "Family Wednesday Night" where there is something for the whole family. It includes a divorce care class but the other adult classes are usually geared around marriage or family. Men's groups tend to focus on being husbands and fathers. Not exclusively but it's a major focus. My church also has small groups like many churches. They vary in terms of what they do when they meet but quite a few are specific to young couples or couples in general.

There is nothing wrong with any of that. I'm sure most of the adults at my church are married and most of the ones with adult kids probably have grandchildren. I just wish the church would do more to acknowledge we are not all that way. It could be as simple as saying "if you have kids or grandkids, ...." Or, "if you are spending the afternoon with family celebrating Mother's Day..." I am not asking for them to create an over 30 singles small group. I actually think it's great to have diversity in a group. The young can learn from the old and we can discuss things from different perspectives. I think the modern church does too much dividing by ages, sexes, or life stages. They call it Family Wednesday Night but the only time each family is together is when they arrive and when they leave.

I am not social so personally, I don't need singles potlucks or other social events. That's me though. As a mature single, what if anything would you like to see done differently at your church?

You absolutely nailed it.

And the "if" addition is so important. So vital.

When we hear the word "inclusive" in the media it inevitably means gay people. But it should refer to everyone.
And you're so right about ages mixing. Being around younger people gives older people energy. A sort of "Why CAN'T I do that?" mentality that is very good for us.

And certainly younger people need to learn from us. I can't even describe the heartache I feel now thinking about how little I talked to my grandparents and how many things I would ask and discuss with them now if only I could. Its so humbling thinking about that. And alarming seeing how much time we waste every day on such trivialities.

Satan is surely an expert in distracting us with trivialities. He is the master distracter.

Richard.20.12 · Jun 17, 2023

ThisIsMe123 said:
When I was attending my church as a 30 something (now 50), I was seeing the same thing as you. I recall this one woman I spotted at church all the time, very attractive, had no man with her, but her kids...later saw her on Match dot com. I contacted her on there saying, "Hey, dont I know you from <name of church> and she said she did recall seeing me, as we someitmes sat near each other. She thought the age diff was too great even though she was a mere few years apart (her a bit older). She looked more closer to my age.

Anyways, I figured with us being the only unattached people in the congregation that I'd have a shot at a post church breakfast or something, but these women are way to picky even if the well is dry.

If you want to get an idea of the problem in online dating just set up a fake profile with a reasonably (but not overly) attractive photo of some woman online. You will not believe the response. Women are BURIED in responses. I tried this with a chat service when it first started many years ago. Almost no women ever initiated contact even though I had a very respectable profile. So out of curiosity I did the above. I was getting messaged every few seconds! The response was about 1000 times more than I got. This huge, unbalanced response makes women feel that they can get money AND someone who is both born attractive and fit. Good luck with that in the real world, granny. Another problem is photo enhancement. With some practice you can doctor your photo to look much younger than you looked in the original. Social media tales are packed with people that say "I couldn't believe how different the person looked in person". So the photos women see are often not truthful. Plus men often exaggerate their financial health. Social media has turned women into far more of a gold digger nature than ever before. Often it appears that it really is a form of mild prostitution. This is especially prevalent if the woman has been abused by men in the past so materialism and seeing what she can extract in as little time possible seems like sweet revenge against the offending sex. Often women won't even consider a date unless it involves the man spending a heap of money taking them somewhere they have never been before, or one of their favorite haunts. Women's "equality"? That's a laugh in the dating world. It couldn't possibly be more unequal, unfair and unrealisitc. Its much better to meet because of common interests first. Ignore how she looks. Hey, maybe she has a friend she can recommend after she gets to know you and is impressed with your character. Some people have very interesting friends! And you really don't want to go out with someone from your church. What do you do if you break up? That's just horrible. It also distracts you from the real reason you go to church. But how to filter out people that are Christian when meeting over common interests? That's hard because there are so few real Christians out there. Maybe engaging in social groups of over, similar churches to yours that aren't far away.

ThisIsMe123 · Jun 18, 2023

Richard.20.12 said:
But how to filter out people that are Christian when meeting over common interests?

Simple answer, they don't filter...or if they don't filter...this would be lower on their list of dating priorities. They meet people out in the secular world, and don't pay mind to the prospects religious convictions. They are more about personality traits, character, and demeanor...and how they just gel in person..... and if they are....Christian...and not atheist or some paganist or whatever, that's enough for them.

I knew of a woman that dropped her current church just so she could marry a man she wanted to marry in HIS church, because HER church had certain criteria in order order to be married.

NotUrAvgGuy · Jun 28, 2023

Richard.20.12 said:
If you want to get an idea of the problem in online dating just set up a fake profile with a reasonably (but not overly) attractive photo of some woman online. You will not believe the response. Women are BURIED in responses. I tried this with a chat service when it first started many years ago. Almost no women ever initiated contact even though I had a very respectable profile. So out of curiosity I did the above. I was getting messaged every few seconds! The response was about 1000 times more than I got. This huge, unbalanced response makes women feel that they can get money AND someone who is both born attractive and fit. Good luck with that in the real world, granny. Another problem is photo enhancement. With some practice you can doctor your photo to look much younger than you looked in the original. Social media tales are packed with people that say "I couldn't believe how different the person looked in person". So the photos women see are often not truthful. Plus men often exaggerate their financial health. Social media has turned women into far more of a gold digger nature than ever before. Often it appears that it really is a form of mild prostitution. This is especially prevalent if the woman has been abused by men in the past so materialism and seeing what she can extract in as little time possible seems like sweet revenge against the offending sex. Often women won't even consider a date unless it involves the man spending a heap of money taking them somewhere they have never been before, or one of their favorite haunts. Women's "equality"? That's a laugh in the dating world. It couldn't possibly be more unequal, unfair and unrealisitc. Its much better to meet because of common interests first. Ignore how she looks. Hey, maybe she has a friend she can recommend after she gets to know you and is impressed with your character. Some people have very interesting friends! And you really don't want to go out with someone from your church. What do you do if you break up? That's just horrible. It also distracts you from the real reason you go to church. But how to filter out people that are Christian when meeting over common interests? That's hard because there are so few real Christians out there. Maybe engaging in social groups of over, similar churches to yours that aren't far away.

While I know there are success stories from online dating, I think it has done more harm than good for the reasons you outlined above. I have started a seemingly positive dialog with a woman only to have her ghost me. What happened? No doubt, someone, more interesting sounding came along and took her attention. When women get dozens or hundreds of responses per day how can they possibly keep up? Some good guys are bound to fall through the cracks. By the time they figure out the new shinier guys aren't that impressive, you are forgotten.

I still think the best way to meet someone is in person through everyday life. People say they don't have time for that. Well, if it's important to you make time. Finding a life partner is something we should expect to have to devote time to. It's going to take time to maintain and nurture the marriage so if you don't have time to try and meet someone how are you going to have time once married to nurture the marriage?

That said, it's hard. It used to be church was a good place to meet someone but more and more Christians look outside the church (at least their church). We don't have as many friends or family introducing us to people. Careers have often required us to move where we are no longer around family or past friends. I think a few generations ago it was very common to meet your spouse through a friend or family. That seems more and more rare these days. We are more likely to meet someone at work than at church.

Online profiles are becoming like resumes. How do you make yours stand out in the sea of profiles a woman is likely to see? We have online dating coaches and profile coaches. We are told to be aggressive and really, really pursue the woman as anything less will not get her attention. Forget about being yourself! You have to market yourself and be aggressive or else you will never have a chance. If you are naturally that way that's great but if you're not then you are forced to try and be someone you're not due to all the competition. That doesn't work for everyone. They say "there's someone for everyone" but that begs the question of whether or not you will ever meet that "someone." I hear all the time, "you just haven't met the right person yet." Given that there are billions of women on earth I am pretty sure I can never prove that statement wrong. There might be 10,000 women out there who would be a good match for me but unless I meet one of them I will never know...

ThisIsMe123 · Jun 28, 2023

Yeah, some idiots out there the onus on the guy struggling to "keep a woman's" interest. Like it's like WE are doing something wrong as opposed to a woman having a short attention span or some kind of personality flaw.

NotUrAvgGuy · Jun 28, 2023

ThisIsMe123 said:
Yeah, some idiots out there the onus on the guy struggling to "keep a woman's" interest. Like it's like WE are doing something wrong as opposed to a woman having a short attention span or some kind of personality flaw.

Some people say, when you meet the right person it will all happen naturally. You will just click. Other people say you have to constantly work to hold her interest and keep her interest from wandering. You'd better bring your "A game." I believe the former more than the latter. Of course, relationships require work but you shouldn't need a coach, a profile writer, and a marketing degree to meet someone

ThisIsMe123 · Jun 29, 2023

NotUrAvgGuy said:
That said, it's hard. It used to be church was a good place to meet someone but more and more Christians look outside the church (at least their church). We don't have as many friends or family introducing us to people.

I wanted to highlight this...now...people are actually AGAINST this notion. Some people don't like to date within' their social circle...I asked out a woman that I was pretty tight with...we got along great, good rapport, we were into the same things. But when I asked her out...she said, "I don't date within my circleof friend...too much drama..."

I responded, like "Huh? I thought this was the most ideal way to meet people?"

She met her ex-husband OUTSIDE of that social...I mean literally...she was hanging with her group of friends, and some dude at the wine place approached her cold turkey.

For some, it's like dating a co-worker...don't eat where you poop.

NotUrAvgGuy · Jul 2, 2023

ThisIsMe123 said:
I wanted to highlight this...now...people are actually AGAINST this notion. Some people don't like to date within' their social circle...I asked out a woman that I was pretty tight with...we got along great, good rapport, we were into the same things. But when I asked her out...she said, "I don't date within my circleof friend...too much drama..."

I responded, like "Huh? I thought this was the most ideal way to meet people?"

She met her ex-husband OUTSIDE of that social...I mean literally...she was hanging with her group of friends, and some dude at the wine place approached her cold turkey.

For some, it's like dating a co-worker...don't eat where you poop.

I think it used to be that someone would set you up on a date with their girlfriend's sister or their cousin. I can understand someone not wanting an awkward situation if they date someone in their social circle and it doesn't work out.

In the end, dating is a tricky business. Finding a spouse is increasingly more difficult. I read articles saying how there is an abundance of young, marriageable women at churches just waiting for husbands but the men aren't stepping up. Maybe at a handful of churches but I don't see that happening universally. We live in a dysfunctional society and the disease of it has infected the church to a degree. Our thoughts on dating and marriage are tainted by the world.

I am fortunate in that I am not looking for marriage. I have come to learn I am best off alone. Marriage creates more stress for me than the benefits I receive from it. I have never truly fallen in love with someone. It's not that I seek to gain something from marriage. Marriage is about giving and in giving you receive but that assumes you are comfortable living with someone day in and day out which I am not. I need too much solitude. I don't care to talk as much as another person would require to feel they were in a relationship

ThisIsMe123 · Jun 5, 2024

NotUrAvgGuy said:
I think it used to be that someone would set you up on a date with their girlfriend's sister or their cousin. I can understand someone not wanting an awkward situation if they date someone in their social circle and it doesn't work out.

In the end, dating is a tricky business. Finding a spouse is increasingly more difficult. I read articles saying how there is an abundance of young, marriageable women at churches just waiting for husbands but the men aren't stepping up. Maybe at a handful of churches but I don't see that happening universally. We live in a dysfunctional society and the disease of it has infected the church to a degree. Our thoughts on dating and marriage are tainted by the world.

I am fortunate in that I am not looking for marriage. I have come to learn I am best off alone. Marriage creates more stress for me than the benefits I receive from it. I have never truly fallen in love with someone. It's not that I seek to gain something from marriage. Marriage is about giving and in giving you receive but that assumes you are comfortable living with someone day in and day out which I am not. I need too much solitude. I don't care to talk as much as another person would require to feel they were in a relationship

Yeah I call BS on "men not stepping up in churches", I don'tsee this happening. When I'd attempt to do so, I'd get a dirty look the same way a strange woman doesn't like being approached in non-Church public place (the gym, store etc).

Most women are not wanting men to approach, as it's off putting these days...unless you're cute, then you may have a shot. Bu with all this stranger danger and peoples' faced buried in their phones...social media has kept people tethered behind the screen, and actually opposed to real life connections.

Citanul · Jun 5, 2024

ThisIsMe123 said:
Yeah I call BS on "men not stepping up in churches", I don'tsee this happening. When I'd attempt to do so, I'd get a dirty look the same way a strange woman doesn't like being approached in non-Church public place (the gym, store etc).

Most women are not wanting men to approach, as it's off putting these days...unless you're cute, then you may have a shot. Bu with all this stranger danger and peoples' faced buried in their phones...social media has kept people tethered behind the screen, and actually opposed to real life connections.

It's not just phones and stranger danger. Many women are tired of cold approaches from complete strangers when they're going about their everyday business. It's not that they don't want to meet someone, just not like that.

But there definitely are women who want men to approach them and the problem is that there's no way of knowing where someone stands on the matter. The consequence of that problem is that the type of men these women would prefer to date are ones who are respectful of women and, being aware of the harassment women receive, decide that it's better not to approach anyone.

And this is where churches miss the mark. Those women who don't like cold approaches would be open to dating someone if they'd first had a chance to get to know them in some sort of social environment, but that's not happening as many churches offer very little for singles/young adults, and if you're an older single then there's no hope for you. There might be men's and women's groups, but having those groups interact at all would be unthinkable.

How do you feel being a mature single at church?

Catholic revert and Lay Carmelite

Follow of Jesus Christ

Well, when exactly do you mean?

Well-Known Member

Lovable Mess

Well-Known Member

Still Love This Movie

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

This And That

Well-Known Member

This And That

Well-Known Member

This And That

Well-Known Member

This And That

Well, when exactly do you mean?

Similar threads