I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now.
If I'm understanding you correctly, I think maybe what's frustrating you is that you don't have free will? You are frustrated that you didn't choose to be born. You didn't choose to come into existence. God decided to create you and you didn't have any say in it.
One thing that seems to be really great about you is that you are a deep thinker. Most people don't think about what you're thinking about. It's awesome that God created you that way. Deep thinkers are often looking to be a part of something bigger than themselves. They think outside the box. They're concerned with meaning and ideas. I think that's one thing that's so appealing to me about Christianity. Christianity gives me purpose. It gives meaning to a life that can often seem mundane.
To know that someone else thought me into existence, created every aspect of my personality and my being, and chose to give me life-- now that's thrilling!
What if your existence isn't stupid because God has a purpose for you? What if He created you, specifically as you are, a person with a unique way of thinking, with all your idiosyncrasies, to do certain works that He has planned for you in this lifetime?
What if you tried to let go of your frustrations about free will and just accepted that you don't have free will? The fact of the matter is that you didn't give yourself life. God did. If you don't come to accept this fact, you will continue to suffer over this. So, at some point, you will have to accept it.
And now let's say you did accept this fact-- let's say you did accept that God chose to give you life-- maybe ponder how this could be seen as an honor- how precious it is to be created by someone else-- that someone else cared enough to form you.
And you could continue the mental exercise by wondering what purpose you might have being here since you have accepted that someone else decided to put you here. Someone else made the decision that you’re here. So, surely, that someone else did it for a reason.
What if your existence isn’t stupid because your identity was decided by someone else?
What if God wants you to be defined by love?
I feel like I’m a person who has struggled a lot with being sure of myself. I’ve always kind of felt like I don’t know who I am. I tend to find my identity in my humor and creativity or in my own goodness, but it’s been very freeing to me to realize that my truest identity is something that was given to me, not something I did. I know in an earlier message you mentioned “freedom from.” I think one thing Christianity gives us freedom from is the stress of trying to “make something of ourselves.” I don’t have to feel the burden of earning love or earning a name for myself. I don’t have to feel the burden of all my past mistakes. I don’t have to feel the burden of deciding whether or not I should’ve been born. I don’t have to feel the burden of living for myself. Or the burden of chasing worldly goals such as wealth or good looks or status. I have freedom from these things because God already decided who I am. His son Jesus laid down his life for me so that I could be free of all these things and born again as a new creation.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. - Ephesians 2:10
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb. – Psalm 139:13
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. – 2 Corinthians 5:17
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1-2
He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time - 2 Timothy 1:9
For the Lord takes pleasure in his people;
he adorns the humble with salvation. – Psalm 149:4
