Bomb dropped in my marriage

Well she hasn't actually cheated on you yet that you know of, so I think getting a divorce just because she has told you something you don't like is a bit premature.

I think the proper response is probably not what you think. Thank her for being honest with you. It takes a lot of courage to tell a partner something that may not be acceptable. So tell her you appreciate her honesty and openness. Then tell her why you are not okay with it.

Then all you can really do at that point is continue loving her and praying for her. My wife is also currently a non-believer, and though she has never told me she's interested in other women, she has told me she wants nothing to do with Jesus or God or faith. It can be a struggle sure, but I pray her for every time I think about it and I do what I can to model Christ's love to her as practically as possible. Doing the dishes, helping around the house, being a servant even more so than before.

My Christian wife won't have anything to do with me because of her antidepressants.

"...If any brother has a wife who does not believe,
But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases.
But God has called us to peace." 1 Corinthians 7:12-15 NKJV

Sounds like she deceived you from the beginning to be honest. She obviously needs help. But it sounds like she is making a choice where eventually you will not have to.

I mean, in my Church this would definitely be grounds for an annulment.

It sounds like your wife is in therapy. Is that correct? That's a good thing. It sounds like there's a lot going on in her head, and significant trauma in her past, and professional therapy from a psychologist or psychiatrist can help with that.

It's tough to have a family member with mental illness, but it means a lot to that family member to have support from the people around them who love them.

As to some of the specifics:

1) When you say "My wife does not agree with the plan that God has for men and women", what do you mean by that? If the two of you have different expectations regarding gender roles in marriage, that's going to be a point of conflict that you'll need to work out. It's not so much a matter of who's "right" or "wrong", and more a matter of agreeing about the responsibilities and expectations for each of the two of you in the marriage.

2) Note that people's expectations about marriage can change over time, as they grow and change as people. If that's happening with you or with your wife (or both), then that's something to talk about and work through together.

3) You say that your wife is attracted to women. Is she attracted exclusively to women, or is she attracted to both men and women? These are two very different situations, given that she is currently married to a man.

4) I don't think the issue of abortion is relevant to your marriage, unless you are facing the choice of terminating a pregnancy right now. If it's just a disagreement in the abstract, well, people disagree about lots of things. Christians disagree about lots of things, including abortion. You'll have a more tranquil marriage if you can cope with disagreements on some political and religious issues, because no two people have identical beliefs.

ThisFeller said:

I have given my wife the option that if she feels like she has to play for the other team, then she will need to end this relationship. Im willing to continue to move forward in hopes she will want to change, but Im starting to think its not going to happen. I feel like her heart has been hardened and she has been given over to the enemy. She may have decieved me from the begining.

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I believe in the beginning, she had no problem going to church because it was important to you and she loved you and wanted to support you.

The problem is that if you are doing something you are not really into resentment starts to develop. It's a problem they created by not being upfront with you that religion is not a high priority in their life. Still, it's a problem that can eat away at a relationship.

I wish I could advise you better. I feel because she has not strayed yet from what I gathered. She is having thoughts and urges that she probably suppressed or tried to ignore before. I feel like marriage needs friendship. Friends listen to one another. Let her tell you how she feels. She did it in the first place because she trusts you. She's not lying, cheating, or stealing, she is having urges that she never acknowledged before. Regardless if you stay together or not, I recommend you listen to her story and her desires for her future before you make any decisions.

It could be some kind of mental crisis, she may have not known her own mind until now, or she may have deceived you. I don't envy your dilemma. I like to stick with the classic What Would Jesus Do?

ThisFeller said:

Good morning, all,


I’ve been married now for 5 years. My anniversary was Aug 4 so not too long ago. My wife has been going thru some issues from her past before I knew her and has been seeking medical help for her anxiety, depression, and mental needs. She is a nurse who last year got into some trouble with the board of nursing with drinking, taking expired meds, and now is on 3–5-year probation period. She had to go to a medical center called Bradford to get some help up North US. I thought it was a good thing, but when she called every week all she had was complaints about me, even though the why she was drinking alcohol and taking meds was for things that have transpired in her path. She had a Christian counselor and I thought she was great, but my wife didn’t like her and almost got the lady into some trouble because she and I were having conversations about faith. I’m still with her as I hope she would get better. When she came home, she started going to church, getting involved in women’s group, but lasted only a short time. My wife does not agree with the plan that God has for men and women.


Coming home from a family get together yesterday from Lagrange GA, she said she had a secret to tell me, and it goes against my beliefs. She told me that she had felt this way for some time even before we married. She said she was into or attracted to other women. Now my faith is strong in Jesus, and I didn’t get angry or go into rage. I asked her what she was expecting me to say, and she said she expected me to be angry. She has not physically been with a woman yet but expressed that she wishes she had tried or wants to. I said if we are married that I would not allow this.


I feel like my wife is pushing me away. Before we married, I said that God comes first in our marriage. She was originally on board with that, we attended church together, and did much together, but in the past few years even before Covid, she stopped going to church. She picks and chooses what she wants to believe and not believe in. She doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with abortion and said you can’t help who you love girl on girl or boy on boy. As far as intimacy, because of what happened in her past (rapped by her own father) she feels every time we are together, she feels wrong in doing so. I feel like I’m being punished in this area.


I feel like I’ve given my wife my all. I know Jesus said in the last days that there would be a great falling away. Do I continue to love her and support her as Christ loves the church or should I break off this marriage? I know the bible is clear that the only course of action is unfaithfulness or death do us part, but I feel like my wife has been unfaithful to me in supporting me as my wife, intimacy, now the whole I like women thing. Any Christian advice would be much appreciated.

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I am very sorry for this difficult period. This is very personal and as you are seeking help from your faith is the right direction. God will lead you. I must ask if she has sexual abuse In her history? It sounds to me like molestation or some type of childhood abuse. Continue to seek Christian counselor’s and prayer. God is with you and will guide you through this matter. Blessings in Him.

ThisFeller said:

I have given my wife the option that if she feels like she has to play for the other team, then she will need to end this relationship. Im willing to continue to move forward in hopes she will want to change, but Im starting to think its not going to happen. I feel like her heart has been hardened and she has been given over to the enemy. She may have decieved me from the begining.

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That’s what it sounds like to me. I’m glad she is seeking help but it sounds like she rebels against any help she is given after too long. It seems she has checked out pretty much with everything except her own opinions and feelings. I’m happy you are giving her the compassion you are but you have to be realistic as well. My prayers for the both of you and God gives the discernment and wisdom you need during this difficult time. My prayers for you both.

Hi, Feller

First, I think you realize that I don't know you, at all. So, I am going by my own general experience and observations of how people can do things. I'm just putting some things, here, in case you can make good use of them

About your wife you said:

I thought it was a good thing, but when she called every week all she had was complaints about me, even though the why she was drinking alcohol and taking meds was for things that have transpired in her path.

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Well, I have visited AA meetings and discussion groups and shared in Al-anon groups. I have heard how an active alcoholic can be in denial and make a project of blaming and criticizing others for their problems.

But in a marriage, to my knowledge, the couple actually can both be involved in helping to cause troubles. And so they need to pray together and learn with each other how to do things, so they are one and enjoy creating with each other. Even if one is an unbeliever, in marriage what works is to become one and discover together with God. God does not want it to be like one is all right while the other is all wrong!

Even if you are the sober person, there can be ways you can be somehow the cause of problems. So, I would say pray and evaluate how you have been doing, so that with God you can see anything you really do need to correct.

Al-anon is not a Christian program, but I think you can make good use of one thing we have emphasized in meetings > one theme keeps coming out which I would say we can use as Jesus people > make sure you take good care of yourself while you are going through difficult things.

And, going by 1 Peter 5:3 > I would encourage that you be a good example for her, always stay prayerfully ready for however God is able to have things go good and for however she could be changed by the grace of God. Love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7).

Stay ready, be encouraged. Trust God through Jesus and His word, and find out who are real Christian people who help you to grow and to share and to enjoy God's good, right while taking care of problems. Even a child of God who does not have your problems can still be used by God to help you!!!

But, right while you can be hearing what is right, in the same church there can be wrong people, too; so you do need to sort out what is not God's will and message for you.

"Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

So, God does want to share with you in every thing you do; with God, you can test what God Himself considers to be "good". Learn to make sure with God about every thing, so you are ready to do this with your wife, in case she becomes able to join you in this.

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

God does His will with us in His peace shared with us, and in this peace we have our Father personally guiding us and sharing with us His own creativity for how to love each and every person. This is a Bible basic, I would say.

So, have you and your church been emphasizing and doing this? Make sure you have people who do this and help you with this, so you are ready for your wife with the right example, not just controlling and managing her >

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

This Feller - you also said:

She had a Christian counselor and I thought she was great, but my wife didn’t like her and almost got the lady into some trouble because she and I were having conversations about faith.

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Well, she could be a real and good counselor, for all you know. But because of my general experience > I suspect it is possible to find counselors and friends who see things your way, so you can congratulate yourselves about how you are so right. So . . . as well as you can > trust God to give you honest perception.

And be creative with God . . . using your situation for His good.

You could get into a group, yourself, and help others while you get help. But beware of how you could meet females who could get too close to you, in the groups. And beware of conveniently finding ones to agree with you and congratulate yourselves with each other.

It is clear to me, how a number of church people do not make sure with God about whom they marry; plus, there can even be pastors who are not Christians and they will pronounce anyone who comes their way, without even evaluating if a couple belongs with each other. And I think I have seen how church politics can pressure a pastor to pronounce a couple who has social connections with the congregation.

But we can make sure with God, about every person and every thing and relationship, who to trust and who not to, plus how each person should be trusted. So, whatever is your case, please find out how to - - - or keep growing in how to - - - make sure with God and obey Him in His peace >

Jesus proves Himself and His will for you in His rest >

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29)

So, this is a basic of Christianity.

So, did you make sure with God about marrying your wife? And who was involved in pronouncing you? Did they talk with you about always walking in Jesus Christ's rest and staying submissive to God in His peace, did they say to keep this as your basic for how you do things in marriage? I understand these are Christian basics to make sure we all do and keep growing in this.

Going by what you have said, to me it does not seem she was functioning as a Christian person when you got married, or I personally believe that God would keep giving His increase in her and maturing her. Stuff you report does not match with what I understand that she would know and trust, if she knows God's word.

For one example > if I have feelings of attraction to the wrong person, a man or a woman, I know clearly that God's word says to not accept anything in us which would take us the wrong way. So, if something evil even starts in us, we do not just say oh I have this feeling and attraction, but we trust God to get rid of it. If a preference of our heart is wrong, God does not want us to continue to go along with a wrong preference of our heart; we are not to even allow it to continue and excuse it.

But what is in our heart is spiritual, and it can be rooted in our real character which is spiritual; so if a desire or preference of our heart is wrong, this can mean my character needs deep correction which only God is able to do. But our Heavenly Father is committed to changing our character so our desires and preferences are His way.

I would say this is a Christian basic of God's word, which God's word can make very clear. But you can see how a number of even church leaders do not accept this.

So, how are you doing? Are you maturing in Jesus and how to be guided by God? In case you are, keep being guided by God, in any case, and discover how He creatively takes care of your situation >

"casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

ThisFeller said:

When she came home, she started going to church, getting involved in women’s group,

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Well, like I say, there can be churches not really into God's word and how He is able to change our character so we get out of our sin problems > Hebrews 12:4-14. It seems there are even Bible claiming ministers and churches who are claiming you will keep on having your sin problems, but yes you will to go Heaven, but they do not talk about how God changes us to be and to love like Jesus so we more and more easily and breezily and beautifully live in God's love and leading, instead.

But God is committed to correcting us of evil things so they do not keep eating us alive and wasting us in excuse making and blaming.

ThisFeller said:

My wife does not agree with the plan that God has for men and women.

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Again . . . yes, God does have His way of relating in marriage, but ones can have their way of giving us rules for how to act, but not talk about how God changes us in our character so our relating is all His way, and not just trying to keep a few rules about who makes decisions, and stuff like that.

The man needs to be a good example of whatever basically is expected of his lady. He needs to take the lead in what she needs to do! So, beware of some control message which makes the man a dictator.

But if a man is a lady's "head", like God's word does say . . . I think of how essential the head of a body is, but also how essential the body is for its head.

One without the other is . . .

ThisFeller said:

I know the bible is clear that the only course of action is unfaithfulness or death do us part...

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Many people have sexual interests and attractions they never practice out of commitment to a partner or to vows they took. If I were you, I would be more concerned about what she does than what she says. I would pay attention to whether she intends to honor her marriage vows and relationship with you or whether she intends to act upon her fantasies. We are going to face temptations in this life, what we do about them is another matter.

ThisFeller said:

She picks and chooses what she wants to believe and not believe in.

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Of course, she does. We all to this don't we? The problem here is that she has chosen to believe in something different than what you have chosen to believe in. That raises the question of the place of tolerance in a relationship. Some differences we can tolerate and still have a satisfying relationship; some we cannot. Many Christians have a spouse that does not practice the faith, yet the relationship continues to be good as long as both respect the other's right to choose. Some things we can let go; others we cannot. You get to draw the line between what you can accept as a difference and what you cannot.

ThisFeller said:

I feel like my wife has been unfaithful to me in supporting me as my wife, intimacy, now the whole I like women thing

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It sounds like your wife has her own struggles from past experiences. I reckon it's natural to feel you are being punished because of impaired intimacy, but if you are correct that it has more to do with her past sexual trauma than with your relationship per se, I think she is in need of some support and understanding as well.

Praying

ThisFeller said:

Any Christian advice would be much appreciated.

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sorry you're having such a rough time only 5 yrs into marriage

time for the two of you to go to marriage counseling together

be careful who you chose as a counselor- have read too many posts where a counselor sides with the woman & the sessions don't help
personally wouldn't chose a woman counselor for marriage counseling

ThisFeller said:

Good morning, all,


I’ve been married now for 5 years. My anniversary was Aug 4 so not too long ago. My wife has been going thru some issues from her past before I knew her and has been seeking medical help for her anxiety, depression, and mental needs. She is a nurse who last year got into some trouble with the board of nursing with drinking, taking expired meds, and now is on 3–5-year probation period. She had to go to a medical center called Bradford to get some help up North US. I thought it was a good thing, but when she called every week all she had was complaints about me, even though the why she was drinking alcohol and taking meds was for things that have transpired in her path. She had a Christian counselor and I thought she was great, but my wife didn’t like her and almost got the lady into some trouble because she and I were having conversations about faith. I’m still with her as I hope she would get better. When she came home, she started going to church, getting involved in women’s group, but lasted only a short time. My wife does not agree with the plan that God has for men and women.


Coming home from a family get together yesterday from Lagrange GA, she said she had a secret to tell me, and it goes against my beliefs. She told me that she had felt this way for some time even before we married. She said she was into or attracted to other women. Now my faith is strong in Jesus, and I didn’t get angry or go into rage. I asked her what she was expecting me to say, and she said she expected me to be angry. She has not physically been with a woman yet but expressed that she wishes she had tried or wants to. I said if we are married that I would not allow this.


I feel like my wife is pushing me away. Before we married, I said that God comes first in our marriage. She was originally on board with that, we attended church together, and did much together, but in the past few years even before Covid, she stopped going to church. She picks and chooses what she wants to believe and not believe in. She doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with abortion and said you can’t help who you love girl on girl or boy on boy. As far as intimacy, because of what happened in her past (rapped by her own father) she feels every time we are together, she feels wrong in doing so. I feel like I’m being punished in this area.


I feel like I’ve given my wife my all. I know Jesus said in the last days that there would be a great falling away. Do I continue to love her and support her as Christ loves the church or should I break off this marriage? I know the bible is clear that the only course of action is unfaithfulness or death do us part, but I feel like my wife has been unfaithful to me in supporting me as my wife, intimacy, now the whole I like women thing. Any Christian advice would be much appreciated.

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I was married to a man I loved dearly for 37 years until his death in April of this year, and he loves me just as much or more but it was not always easy.

If you truly love someone, you stand by them for better or for worse, in richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part - not until you get tired of it or it becomes too difficult.

When we choose to get married as Christians, we choose to enter a covenant, a covenant that must be honored despite the rampant divorce rate in the Christian community.

myst33 said:

Every one of those single Christians who are complaining they do not have a woman and almost go against faith because of it, should read these threads to know what they are being spared.

Married people have crazy problems of all kinds.

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There are different problems in different walks of life. One priest described marriage as two rough diamonds grating against each other, polishing each other. I'll pray for them.

Many people will cheat while in a relationship which can be traumatic for the person cheated on. Sometimes it is done intentionally to hurt that person... so maybe your wife doesn't want to hurt you. She recognizes you have done all you can to be a good husband and would rather end things first before finding someone else. If that's the case, it may not seem like much of a consolation, but it is something.

ThisFeller said:

Believe me I want to go to counseling and Christian at that, but she doesnt want anything to do with a Christian counselor. She feels that the Pastor doesnt have sufficient experience like a psychiatrist might. Im willing to go to a non Chrisition counsiler if thats what it takes. Yes she was abused by her Father sexually and she goes to therapy and psychiatrist each once a month. I also was abused both physically/sexually, but was a shorter time then what she went thru. I was not aware of the abuse or the way she feels toward women when we dated and before we got married. If I would let her have a relationship with another women, I believe my wife would want the relationship part of it as well as the sexual part of it. Either way as a Christian, this is wrong as the bible rejects homosexualty in both the old and new testement. I do agree with you as you feels the temptation there but has not followed through with it.

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You might tell her you do not want an open marriage. Her having sex with another or others is not what you want. If she has a sexual union with another, you may be exposed to shame, STD diseases, ridicule etc. That is grounds for divorce. I read MRSA, hepatitis etc may be spread by physical contact.

I dated a lady from Massachusetts whose husband had an affair with a woman. Their retirement money disappeared. She filed for divorce. The other woman was married the whole time and got back with her husband. She was stressed out at the age of 64 with an old car and a sales job. I could not trust and did not marry or move in with her. She had a trailer, a vacant lot and her father owned waterfront property outside of Boston.

ThisFeller said:

Good morning, all,


I’ve been married now for 5 years. My anniversary was Aug 4 so not too long ago. My wife has been going thru some issues from her past before I knew her and has been seeking medical help for her anxiety, depression, and mental needs. She is a nurse who last year got into some trouble with the board of nursing with drinking, taking expired meds, and now is on 3–5-year probation period. She had to go to a medical center called Bradford to get some help up North US. I thought it was a good thing, but when she called every week all she had was complaints about me, even though the why she was drinking alcohol and taking meds was for things that have transpired in her path. She had a Christian counselor and I thought she was great, but my wife didn’t like her and almost got the lady into some trouble because she and I were having conversations about faith. I’m still with her as I hope she would get better. When she came home, she started going to church, getting involved in women’s group, but lasted only a short time. My wife does not agree with the plan that God has for men and women.


Coming home from a family get together yesterday from Lagrange GA, she said she had a secret to tell me, and it goes against my beliefs. She told me that she had felt this way for some time even before we married. She said she was into or attracted to other women. Now my faith is strong in Jesus, and I didn’t get angry or go into rage. I asked her what she was expecting me to say, and she said she expected me to be angry. She has not physically been with a woman yet but expressed that she wishes she had tried or wants to. I said if we are married that I would not allow this.


I feel like my wife is pushing me away. Before we married, I said that God comes first in our marriage. She was originally on board with that, we attended church together, and did much together, but in the past few years even before Covid, she stopped going to church. She picks and chooses what she wants to believe and not believe in. She doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with abortion and said you can’t help who you love girl on girl or boy on boy. As far as intimacy, because of what happened in her past (rapped by her own father) she feels every time we are together, she feels wrong in doing so. I feel like I’m being punished in this area.


I feel like I’ve given my wife my all. I know Jesus said in the last days that there would be a great falling away. Do I continue to love her and support her as Christ loves the church or should I break off this marriage? I know the bible is clear that the only course of action is unfaithfulness or death do us part, but I feel like my wife has been unfaithful to me in supporting me as my wife, intimacy, now the whole I like women thing. Any Christian advice would be much appreciated.

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Perhaps asking her to read Romans chapter 1 and 2 Timothy chapter 3 might help. Ask her to pray first before reading. Pray for God’s Will.