- Jan 18, 2019
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Hi everyone.
So this is alot...I'll try to summarize it as best as I can.
At this point in my life I'm just buried deep in turmoil. Overthinking has gone to such an extreme that I'm afraid of how it affects me every day. At this point my mind becomes so easily manipulated my by own thoughts. I can almost convince myself of anything if it sounds believable enough in my mind. And I know without a doubt the devil is taking advantage of that.
What has driven a majority of that is spending way too much time on the internet (I don't mean here) I mean in other areas of the web---articles, blogs, and so on. I've gotten caught up in every Christian Instagram post like I really believe somewhere here or there is God showing me something, God wanting me to know something, like I really think it's a sign, and in my head I get the thought that if I don't listen to these things, I'm in trouble...I'll be destroyed by a lack of knowledge like the Word says. I'm afraid of so much.
I'm just afraid of too much. I realize some of you have probably read my posts before. For those who haven't read my posts before, I can't even begin to tell you how overanalyzing has gotten so bad that I'm just questioning every little think. Even when I'm seeking counseling from pastors, advice from trusted Christian family/friends in my life, even when they are giving sound advice suddenly I'm overthinking everything they're saying. What if everything they're saying is wrong? What if God actually wants me to do this? Or that? What if this or that is a sin after all even though their explanation of the context of the word may prove that it's not. I'm even giving myself the idea that just asking for help at all is me putting others before God but I know that makes no sense. It's like my mind so strongly wants to believe whatever is in my head as if it makes any more sense...it's crazy. And I feel horrible. Articles have been hit or miss for me...they either help or they don't. And I worry has been if the fact that I'm so wrapped up in what articles and what people online say that I'm putting more trust in that than God...I get so upset and feel condemned...it's the last thing I want to be doing.
I know for a fact I'm dealing with spiritual ocd, which is actually one of the first things I ever wrote about on here. It's gotten to the point where...I'm so scared of my mind, believing lies, the devil's lies, even when I recognize that they're lies. I'm afraid of falling into legalism, not living by faith, coming to the strong belief that I need to do this or that with the idea that this is what the word is saying to do when in the back of my mind I realize I'm going about things the wrong way. It's bondage, that's what it is. I'm living in bondage. I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I'm afraid of believing there's something wrong with everything in life, my writing ideas (I write poetry and novels), movies, tv shows, and so on...even though certainly there's not something wrong with everything secular right? It's a continual cycle...where I'm afraid of believing these thoughts in my head over sound advice given by the spiritually mature people in my life, strong in faith, and then worst of all...I'm afraid of believing thoughts in my head over the Word. I'm so scared of unbelief.
I feel so sick right now...so much stress and negativity has built up in my stomach. It's aggravating my asthma, it's making my temples hurt...honestly. It's an ongoing thing that I've been dealing with almost every day. Almost every day I just cry my eyes out. I'm strongly considering a Christian therapist, as the senior pastor at my church recommended to me. While speaking with pastors has been the most helpful and valuable thing as far as talking with other Christians goes, I realize there are things I'm struggling with so badly that may need to be addressed to a professional. I've never seen myself like this before...it's honestly disturbing (I'm saying all of this about my overthinking and overanalyzing)
Continue to In Serious Need of Prayer Pt. 2
So this is alot...I'll try to summarize it as best as I can.
At this point in my life I'm just buried deep in turmoil. Overthinking has gone to such an extreme that I'm afraid of how it affects me every day. At this point my mind becomes so easily manipulated my by own thoughts. I can almost convince myself of anything if it sounds believable enough in my mind. And I know without a doubt the devil is taking advantage of that.
What has driven a majority of that is spending way too much time on the internet (I don't mean here) I mean in other areas of the web---articles, blogs, and so on. I've gotten caught up in every Christian Instagram post like I really believe somewhere here or there is God showing me something, God wanting me to know something, like I really think it's a sign, and in my head I get the thought that if I don't listen to these things, I'm in trouble...I'll be destroyed by a lack of knowledge like the Word says. I'm afraid of so much.
I'm just afraid of too much. I realize some of you have probably read my posts before. For those who haven't read my posts before, I can't even begin to tell you how overanalyzing has gotten so bad that I'm just questioning every little think. Even when I'm seeking counseling from pastors, advice from trusted Christian family/friends in my life, even when they are giving sound advice suddenly I'm overthinking everything they're saying. What if everything they're saying is wrong? What if God actually wants me to do this? Or that? What if this or that is a sin after all even though their explanation of the context of the word may prove that it's not. I'm even giving myself the idea that just asking for help at all is me putting others before God but I know that makes no sense. It's like my mind so strongly wants to believe whatever is in my head as if it makes any more sense...it's crazy. And I feel horrible. Articles have been hit or miss for me...they either help or they don't. And I worry has been if the fact that I'm so wrapped up in what articles and what people online say that I'm putting more trust in that than God...I get so upset and feel condemned...it's the last thing I want to be doing.
I know for a fact I'm dealing with spiritual ocd, which is actually one of the first things I ever wrote about on here. It's gotten to the point where...I'm so scared of my mind, believing lies, the devil's lies, even when I recognize that they're lies. I'm afraid of falling into legalism, not living by faith, coming to the strong belief that I need to do this or that with the idea that this is what the word is saying to do when in the back of my mind I realize I'm going about things the wrong way. It's bondage, that's what it is. I'm living in bondage. I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I'm afraid of believing there's something wrong with everything in life, my writing ideas (I write poetry and novels), movies, tv shows, and so on...even though certainly there's not something wrong with everything secular right? It's a continual cycle...where I'm afraid of believing these thoughts in my head over sound advice given by the spiritually mature people in my life, strong in faith, and then worst of all...I'm afraid of believing thoughts in my head over the Word. I'm so scared of unbelief.
I feel so sick right now...so much stress and negativity has built up in my stomach. It's aggravating my asthma, it's making my temples hurt...honestly. It's an ongoing thing that I've been dealing with almost every day. Almost every day I just cry my eyes out. I'm strongly considering a Christian therapist, as the senior pastor at my church recommended to me. While speaking with pastors has been the most helpful and valuable thing as far as talking with other Christians goes, I realize there are things I'm struggling with so badly that may need to be addressed to a professional. I've never seen myself like this before...it's honestly disturbing (I'm saying all of this about my overthinking and overanalyzing)
Continue to In Serious Need of Prayer Pt. 2
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