- Feb 28, 2021
- 4
- 4
- 32
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
Longtime viewer, first time poster. I'm looking for advice, encouragement, any wisdom that you have. I'll try to not make this a novel, but there are also some specific things that are necessary to note. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads and responds! I've been struggling with feeling unsatisfied in my marriage and have been harboring regrets for the majority of our marriage. I keep hoping that if I just act loving, I'll start to feel the loving emotions, but that has not happened.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. I'm 29 and he's 31. We met online when I was feeling insecure about myself and wanted someone who would treat me well. I have a not-great relationship with my father and a generally emotionally absent mother. I grew up feeling that I was not enough and would always need to change myself in order to earn love. My parents are Christians and do a lot of things well, but emotionally secure relationships was not one of them. I've also always been self-conscious of my looks and while I now pride myself on being a little weird and quirky (Doctor Who, anyone? Downton Abbey?), I also for a long time felt that I was the oddball out.
When my husband and I met, he was very big into big romantic gestures. My grandfather passed away one weekend and he planned to come visit me (we were long distance). This was early on so I just figured he would stay home but he ended up buying a bus ticket to come down and be there for me. It was really sweet, and also clouded my judgement. Looking back, I think I felt I "had" to keep dating him because obviously how was I going to find a better person than that?
I'm not sure exactly where it came from, but I had this warped idea that a "good Christian" just marries someone who loves Jesus, won't cheat, and won't leave. I thought that any personal preferences were just shallow and shouldn't matter in the end. At times, I totally downplayed my own feelings because I felt I had to. I really can't get into sports and so much of his identity revolves around sports. I'm more progressive (in faith, politics, and social issues) and he is more conservative. I care deeply about helping those less fortunate and positively changing the world and he's very comfortable in his life and doesn't often look to help others. We don't really laugh a lot or share the same sense of humor, and when I try to have deep conversations, it feels really stiff and unnatural. We are rarely on the same page on things and it's so hard to connect. It's never felt that "talking with my best friend" level of comfort and ease.
I have really struggled with his family. His mother has been fairly unkind to me over the years, even telling my husband in front of me before our wedding that she had "wished things had worked out with his ex girlfriend." My husband is very non-confrontational and said nothing in my defense. He is slowly getting better about it, but it's been a challenge. He loves his family very much but his mother is very negative and controlling. During Thanksgiving, we were watching the parade and all she had to say was unkind things about everyone performing. "What a wannabe! She certainly hasn't aged well! Can you believe they think they're talented?!" They go to church and certainly claim to be Christians but there is no fruit there that I see. I struggle with the idea of eventually bringing children into this family and having them influenced by his family. He has a brother who has serious mental illnesses and probably brain damage from hard drug use and his parents have brushed it under the rug and denied it for years. There's definitely been moments of gaslighting there where they pretend everything is normal and HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY after his brother got into a fistfight with his dad while on jetskis and cussed everyone out. It has been hard to feel like I'm going against the grain by even showing concern for his brother and acknowledging that something is not right.
Over the years, I have become more progressive and am really re-examining my faith and what I believe and why. He is more of the "just believe it because the Bible says so" type and I think feels personally threatened by me challenging my own faith. When I have just wondered really what does God say about homosexuality and how are we arriving to the conclusions that we do from the scriptures, he has gotten mad and demanded I talk to a pastor about it and that he should also be present to make sure I'm hearing "The Truth." I've talked with him about boundaries and how it is really not ok for him to be overbearing on my personal beliefs (we can definitely have debates, though!) and disrespectful to me, and how I'm not his child, and he gets it, but in the moment he really struggles.
I spent a lot of our early relationship changing who I was to what he wanted me to be. Like I mentioned, I grew up thinking who I was was not enough. I saw how his mom treated me and rather than thinking "hmm maybe not worth my time," I took it as a challenge to win her over, because then maybe I would be good enough. I had zero boundaries in the relationship and now that I am learning to be more confident in myself and have healthy boundaries, I realize how unhealthy the start of our relationship was. It was really about finding someone that I thought would love me and never leave me, and never really stopped to consider if I liked that person.
Two more things to note before this turns into any more of a novel. We did engage in sex before marriage. I felt very convicted about it and told him I didn't want to anymore. He argued with me about it, told me the scriptures actually didn't say that, and guilted me about it until I relented. Now, I definitely should have realized that was not healthy, but again I had such little self-esteem and boundaries so I just continued. He denied ever doing that for years and eventually I pushed him enough to admit that he had done this and that it was wrong. But it is so hard for me to want to have sex with him because of this. I think about if we were to have children, would I want my child to stay with someone who did this to them? No, I wouldn't. We rarely have sex. I don't feel attracted to his looks or personality and then when I think about this issue, it really kills any feelings I might have had. I don't know where to go from here on this?
The last thing is that for almost the entirety of our marriage, I have struggled with feelings for someone else. I knew this person from church camp at a young age. We had feelings for each other on and off growing up but never dated. I feel that I rushed into marriage due to my insecurity and never explored this person. I specifically do not reach out to him because I know the contact will egg the feelings on. I know I can never know what my life with him would have been like. It may have been a disastrous relationship. But I think about him so often and have prayed constantly to have these feelings die. I can't watch certain episodes of tv shows (like The Office or Frasier) because I see characters in marriages/relationships they don't want to be in while feeling in love with someone else. It feels too real and it breaks my heart. I told him about my feelings earlier in our relationship and how I struggled every day to not think of this person and he just told me he didn't believe me. I've told him before how I really struggle to have feelings for him and want to be with him and he doesn't seem impacted by that at all.
I have a counselor I see regularly for myself, and we have tried couples counseling before, but I'm not sure how to move past the sexual incident or the fact that I just don't like being with him.
I do want to be fair and say that there are many positives to our relationship. He is a great partner with household chores, we have gotten to live abroad thanks to his job, and he encourages me to pursue my passions. I realize that on paper, things are going really well and I should be thankful. I know that feelings are not always facts and God calls us to love one another regardless of what's in our heart. I know love is a choice. Is there anyone out there who went through a similar situation and found themselves truly thankful and feeling more "in love" down the road? I try to remind myself that I may never know God's plans for my life/this marriage and while I am not at all likening myself to Job, I try to remember the challenges Job went through in his life and how God used him.
To those of you who take the time to read this and respond, I greatly appreciate you and am thankful for those who pray for me.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. I'm 29 and he's 31. We met online when I was feeling insecure about myself and wanted someone who would treat me well. I have a not-great relationship with my father and a generally emotionally absent mother. I grew up feeling that I was not enough and would always need to change myself in order to earn love. My parents are Christians and do a lot of things well, but emotionally secure relationships was not one of them. I've also always been self-conscious of my looks and while I now pride myself on being a little weird and quirky (Doctor Who, anyone? Downton Abbey?), I also for a long time felt that I was the oddball out.
When my husband and I met, he was very big into big romantic gestures. My grandfather passed away one weekend and he planned to come visit me (we were long distance). This was early on so I just figured he would stay home but he ended up buying a bus ticket to come down and be there for me. It was really sweet, and also clouded my judgement. Looking back, I think I felt I "had" to keep dating him because obviously how was I going to find a better person than that?
I'm not sure exactly where it came from, but I had this warped idea that a "good Christian" just marries someone who loves Jesus, won't cheat, and won't leave. I thought that any personal preferences were just shallow and shouldn't matter in the end. At times, I totally downplayed my own feelings because I felt I had to. I really can't get into sports and so much of his identity revolves around sports. I'm more progressive (in faith, politics, and social issues) and he is more conservative. I care deeply about helping those less fortunate and positively changing the world and he's very comfortable in his life and doesn't often look to help others. We don't really laugh a lot or share the same sense of humor, and when I try to have deep conversations, it feels really stiff and unnatural. We are rarely on the same page on things and it's so hard to connect. It's never felt that "talking with my best friend" level of comfort and ease.
I have really struggled with his family. His mother has been fairly unkind to me over the years, even telling my husband in front of me before our wedding that she had "wished things had worked out with his ex girlfriend." My husband is very non-confrontational and said nothing in my defense. He is slowly getting better about it, but it's been a challenge. He loves his family very much but his mother is very negative and controlling. During Thanksgiving, we were watching the parade and all she had to say was unkind things about everyone performing. "What a wannabe! She certainly hasn't aged well! Can you believe they think they're talented?!" They go to church and certainly claim to be Christians but there is no fruit there that I see. I struggle with the idea of eventually bringing children into this family and having them influenced by his family. He has a brother who has serious mental illnesses and probably brain damage from hard drug use and his parents have brushed it under the rug and denied it for years. There's definitely been moments of gaslighting there where they pretend everything is normal and HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY after his brother got into a fistfight with his dad while on jetskis and cussed everyone out. It has been hard to feel like I'm going against the grain by even showing concern for his brother and acknowledging that something is not right.
Over the years, I have become more progressive and am really re-examining my faith and what I believe and why. He is more of the "just believe it because the Bible says so" type and I think feels personally threatened by me challenging my own faith. When I have just wondered really what does God say about homosexuality and how are we arriving to the conclusions that we do from the scriptures, he has gotten mad and demanded I talk to a pastor about it and that he should also be present to make sure I'm hearing "The Truth." I've talked with him about boundaries and how it is really not ok for him to be overbearing on my personal beliefs (we can definitely have debates, though!) and disrespectful to me, and how I'm not his child, and he gets it, but in the moment he really struggles.
I spent a lot of our early relationship changing who I was to what he wanted me to be. Like I mentioned, I grew up thinking who I was was not enough. I saw how his mom treated me and rather than thinking "hmm maybe not worth my time," I took it as a challenge to win her over, because then maybe I would be good enough. I had zero boundaries in the relationship and now that I am learning to be more confident in myself and have healthy boundaries, I realize how unhealthy the start of our relationship was. It was really about finding someone that I thought would love me and never leave me, and never really stopped to consider if I liked that person.
Two more things to note before this turns into any more of a novel. We did engage in sex before marriage. I felt very convicted about it and told him I didn't want to anymore. He argued with me about it, told me the scriptures actually didn't say that, and guilted me about it until I relented. Now, I definitely should have realized that was not healthy, but again I had such little self-esteem and boundaries so I just continued. He denied ever doing that for years and eventually I pushed him enough to admit that he had done this and that it was wrong. But it is so hard for me to want to have sex with him because of this. I think about if we were to have children, would I want my child to stay with someone who did this to them? No, I wouldn't. We rarely have sex. I don't feel attracted to his looks or personality and then when I think about this issue, it really kills any feelings I might have had. I don't know where to go from here on this?
The last thing is that for almost the entirety of our marriage, I have struggled with feelings for someone else. I knew this person from church camp at a young age. We had feelings for each other on and off growing up but never dated. I feel that I rushed into marriage due to my insecurity and never explored this person. I specifically do not reach out to him because I know the contact will egg the feelings on. I know I can never know what my life with him would have been like. It may have been a disastrous relationship. But I think about him so often and have prayed constantly to have these feelings die. I can't watch certain episodes of tv shows (like The Office or Frasier) because I see characters in marriages/relationships they don't want to be in while feeling in love with someone else. It feels too real and it breaks my heart. I told him about my feelings earlier in our relationship and how I struggled every day to not think of this person and he just told me he didn't believe me. I've told him before how I really struggle to have feelings for him and want to be with him and he doesn't seem impacted by that at all.
I have a counselor I see regularly for myself, and we have tried couples counseling before, but I'm not sure how to move past the sexual incident or the fact that I just don't like being with him.
I do want to be fair and say that there are many positives to our relationship. He is a great partner with household chores, we have gotten to live abroad thanks to his job, and he encourages me to pursue my passions. I realize that on paper, things are going really well and I should be thankful. I know that feelings are not always facts and God calls us to love one another regardless of what's in our heart. I know love is a choice. Is there anyone out there who went through a similar situation and found themselves truly thankful and feeling more "in love" down the road? I try to remind myself that I may never know God's plans for my life/this marriage and while I am not at all likening myself to Job, I try to remember the challenges Job went through in his life and how God used him.
To those of you who take the time to read this and respond, I greatly appreciate you and am thankful for those who pray for me.
