Forgiveness?

Someone posted elsewhere on C F about forgiving someone who has done you wrong, how hard that is, and what that means, I think this is complicated when you are in the middle of your pain and confusion, the wrongdoer is unrepentant, and the issue is unresolved, but I have a personal story exploring this issue..

My father was a violent and abusive man to me when I was a teenager, and also to my beloved my mother, he passed away away a few years ago, unapologetic and seemingly unrepentant.

I hated him passionatly as a young woman and cursed him at every opportunity, sady, that hate and anger is all other people saw, and far from granting me the sympathy and understanding I craved, I got blamed for his wrongdoing which made me even angrier, and more hurt, and all of this reflected in the relationships that were attracted to me throughout my life leaving me feeling broken and seeking Gods help in my early 40's.
I prayed that God would take my hurt and I put my life in his hands, he then transformed my life beyond my wildest dreams, however, as my fathers life was nearing an end, I was tasked with his care, part of my curses as a young woman was that I would never care for him in his old age, what to do?

However, as I had come to God, I could not reconcile myself to behave in a way that would displease him, so took took care of my fathers bodily needs to the letter, he wanted for nothing, I did this as I felt I owed it to myself to be the person God wanted me to be, but I did it without love for my earthly father, I believed it was up to God to judge him.

As my father was nearing his end, he began to have repetitive and frightening nightmares about going to a happy or lovely place like a castle, or Christmas in his childhood home, only to find when he got there it was a vast black terrifying empty void, was he looking into his soul? Or was it foretelling his afterlife?

I visited my father in his last days hoping he would finally admit what he had done, but he did not, I went to the hospital chapel and meditated on this, and to my enormous surprise cried like a baby, not for me, but at the thought of him going to hell forever for being unrepentant, he hadn't been a 100% bad person and I wanted him to ask God to forgive him, but as a lifelong non believer I knew he wouldn't or didn't even know how important it was, so I asked the chaplain to ask him, as I couldn't face it, which he did but said my father was unresponsive, he died a few days after that, alone in the hospital.
Did I forgive him? Not in the sense of condoning him, no, but in the sense of handing it over to God and doing what I could for him.
My father lived and died with the blackness inside his soul, a terrifying thought when I knew his blackness had cast a dark shadow of hate and anger over my soul, and what a price I had already paid for that even in my own life! I think my mission in life is to pray to God to be the person he wants me to be, it's such a challenge when you are attacked, but I think that is when you need God most.

com7fy8 said:

Yes, thank you so much for sharing this.

I see that you forgave him, not only legalistically so you could say you did, but you forgave him in action even caring about him.

But you could not have the full fruit of that with him, because he would not share with you in this. But we have the benefit with God, if not with certain people.

Plus, you were not perfect as a person; so it was not possible to perfectly forgive him, I would say. But as you grow as a Christian, you will grow to forgive him, even better (yes, even now that he has died), and better forgive others, by forgiving not only as a legalistic gesture, but personally and tenderly > "even as God in Christ forgave you," we have in Ephesians 4:31-32.

I think this means in sharing with God so we forgive the way He has us forgiving. This grows. We enjoy this, more and more, because of how this has us with God.

So, thank You, thank You, thank You, for blessing Abide with me to not only forgive but to share this with us to help us also, and thank You for sharing her with us

Abide with me, I see that you have discovered how as we get older we actually can have the best of life and love > because we need to grow in Christ, in order to have better and better with God and each other as His family. So, older age is the possible treasure chest which can not be during youth.

It takes time to become a good old peach >
first there's that cute little buddy, so-o-o fuzzy,
then the green teen not exactly mature;
but even in our middle years
yes we can be oh-so colorful
in all that peach-light coming down
all around us;
and yet we still can get at least
a little bit bitter and sour,
deep-down inside.
Because we need to go through some
heat of the summer,
before we can reach a ripe old age.
But then is when we can get
sweeter and sweeter,
and even more and more juicy,
because we made that commitment
to learn how to love.
"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.'"
(Matthew 11:29)

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Thank you for your loving and comprebensive answer, this type of guidance is why I am on here

EmethAlethia said:

Forgiveness, in the bible, is an accounting term meaning no red ink. Nothing on the account. No one "owes you" for what they have done. Severe things we often have to mentally "forgive", or blot out the red ink multiple times. The bible states, "For if you do not forgive your brother from your heart, nor will God forgive you."

The parable of the man who owed His master 10,000 lbs. of Gold and had a fellow servant who owed him 3 months wages illustrates this. If you understand your debt, your sins, and what you "owe" and you really get and believe that what you have been forgiven is equal to that larger amount, and that, in comparison, the greatest debt someone else owes you is 3 months wages, it keeps things in perspective.

He who is forgiven much loves much. If you love Me you will keep My commandments. These also work out together. We do because we love. We forgive because of the massive debt we were forgiven. A failure to forgive is a failure to believe the size of the debt, and the price paid, for our own forgiveness. Yes, when the actions of others result in the death of a family member, for example, forgiveness, holding no red ink, can seem almost unbearable. 3 months wages lost might bankrupt me... it's a large debt. The size of the debt I have been forgiven is a hundred lifetimes worth ... more ... it is eternal as the interest would forever prevent repayment.

I get having a father who was non-repentant until death. Mine as well. I would endure a thousand times the worst the man dished out to know he was in heaven. I could wish myself accursed to have him there, or my kids. But the choices are individual. We each make them, and live them, and ultimately will pay for our own. It is good to see that you got rid of your red ink.

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Thank you,
It is incredible that you could wish your father in heaven, even at the expense of suffering a thousand times worse what he dished out to you, my father beat me and broke my jaw, I'm not sure I could say the same about him, the best I can manage is to say it wished he was given a chance to repent and ask for forgiveness and be spared everlasting hell.
But as God forgives me, then I forgive my earthly father.