Marriage trouble-Christmas ruined

Paidiske · Dec 25, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
Everyone I've witnessed to about Jesus would see my failed marriage and go ..Jesus didn't help you, your way is a failed way.

Or they would see how Jesus has given you the strength and courage to stand up against being wrongly treated.

Itsahappyday said:
But who would you believe, some woman who says she's born again, or someone up front preaching for years??

#ChurchToo.

Endeavourer · Dec 25, 2020

Please go talk through this with your local women's shelter. They will believe you and they will offer you suggestions.

I have tried for a long time to get you to see that your situation will never improve until you leave him. Your husband is a twisted abuser. He delights in making you miserable.

Unfortunately, it is very difficult to get an abused woman to leave her husband - one of the most difficult challenges of pastors and counselors. You have been laboring in this very severe abuse that all of us can quickly identify and you won't leave.

It has to become bad enough for you to finally take action. Itsahappyday, how bad will that be? It's up to you.

paul1149 · Dec 25, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
My dad was violent so I have no example to go on,

It seems you have married your father, so to speak. When there is abuse during childhood it is very common for the person to seek out the same situation in their own marriage, because it's the only way they know how to relate within family. You need to get to the root and break any soul ties that are holding you where you are.

It will probably take counseling, and it most likely won't be easy. But it will be worth it. Freedom, respect, dignity, love, are attributes of the kingdom of God, and we should be pursuing them.

Jeshu · Dec 25, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
Thank you. I think it's that what he says is true when he says I'm not neat, break things, etc.. Didn't accomplish much, etc.. I have no arguements for those things.

If I leave, he'll just tell everyone I was not really saved, therefore he'll be free as the Bible says to move on if he wants to.

If he 'moves on' then you are free from him.

What do you care what he says about you and your weaknesses and sins? We all have shortcomings. If a husband comes bad mouthing his wife do you really think i believe him? His own actions will dig his grave, you don't have to do that or think you should defend yourself against it.

Stop being afraid to break free from the control this man has over you, it is dehumanising and therefore ungodly to the extreme. Your husband has such fruits in real life action. So the truth will defend you.

Trust Jesus to help you out rather than condemn you for seeking safety

NerdGirl · Dec 25, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
Not only day about me, but about Jesus and being born again. Everyone I've witnessed to about Jesus would see my failed marriage and go ..Jesus didn't help you, your way is a failed way.

Everyone I am close to will believe him, except my family, because they're my family, but everyone else because of his position and I've seen how sweet and nice he is with people in public, I've even said to him 4 weeks after marriage, why don't you treat me like you treat people at church.

Listen if I have a wrong mindset, I would like to be aware of it.

But who would you believe, some woman who says she's born again, or someone up front preaching for years??

You are not responsible for anybody else's thoughts, actions, decisions, or beliefs. You are responsible for one person: YOU.

Nobody would say that about you. And if they did, they're ridiculous and not worth your time.

You absolutely have a wrong mindset. I say this kindly, and with concern for your situation.

I would believe whoever my gut told me was genuine and truthful. I don't believe someone just because they're a preacher or pastor, or someone in a position of power. Nor do I automatically disbelieve someone who isn't in such a position. Many good Christians have found themselves a victim of a failed or abusive marriage, and after giving the best effort they could, they left, in order to preserve their own well-being and safety. And they go on to have perfectly normal, useful, fruitful lives in God's service.

Pavel Mosko · Dec 25, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
I'm crying alone in my kitchen, cause he went to bed, doesn't want me to be home tomorrow, basically doesn't want to see my face.
I wonder what evil did I do to deserve this. Why, why me?

And then in a few days hopefully he'll say he loves me, etc.... I don't understand

Besides prayer etc. you might benefit from some of the therapist stuff on You-tube. Long ago, I nearly became a counselor, and went through most of the graduate school classes for that in California. There are some tough people out there with very dysfunctional personalities.

Anyway you might benefit from this guy and some other folks on You-tube. Their are even free books and videos that can be quite useful.

NerdGirl · Dec 25, 2020

I had a brief and unfortunate relationship with a narcissist/sociopath, and while I consider myself to be a prudent, intuitive, and reasonable person, by the end of my time being involved with him, I was questioning my own sanity, my motives, my worth, my goodness. The damage he did in a span of months was horrifying. I shudder to think of what would happen to someone under his influence for years on end. I know well how they can absolutely twist and manipulate and gaslight and control your thoughts and feelings and decisions. They can make you feel worthless, stupid, guilty, and constantly questioning your own mind, when you've done nothing wrong. And they aren't the abusers who use fists or shouting or outward signs that are obvious to the world. They're often brilliantly intelligent, charismatic, gifted, creative people. And their mastership of manipulation means that it can be very difficult to explain just what and how when it comes their abusive behaviors. They can make you question your recollection of events, or your motives for doing or saying something, without ever raising their voice or becoming blatantly "abusive". Their power lies in their ability to twist reality, and thus hold others in constant uncertainty.

Anyway... I didn't mean to get off on a tangent! But after being married to this person for years, I definitely think it will take some good, solid therapy to unravel the lies and the warped beliefs.

tturt · Dec 26, 2020

Though each situation is different. Sometimes living it, it can be idifficult to realize. This is the average cycle of abuse - 1 - the abuse 2 - followed by a calmer time, 3- egg shell stage - it's building up - abuse expected at anytime triggered by anything Then the Cycle repeats. The time of each stage and cycle varies.

A friend whose husband was a minister was abused. He would quote Scripture during physical abuse. She wouldn't leave because of his ministry until he broke her back. Can't remember how many years she stayed. They had several children. His church folks loved him but they didn't know. There was the pressure to be the good pastor's wife.

coffee4u · Dec 26, 2020

Hon, your husband is abusive. You both need marriage counseling and he needs help, real help for the sin he is committing against you and God.

Ephsesians 5
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her 26to sanctify her, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,

1 Peter 3:7
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

1 Corinthians 13

13 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Hurtful comments are not acts of love.By staying with him not only is your own self worth being eroded but his as well, it is enabling him in his sin. It doesn't matter what anybody thinks, it only matters what God thinks.
Romans 8:31
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

LoricaLady · Dec 26, 2020

Verbal abuse is one of the big signs of a domestic abuser. Perhaps you could research that topic. One psychologist has said that domestic abusers generally suffer from narcissistic personality disorder. You might want to research that topic too. There are tons of You Tube videos on the subject, and they often have followers in the comment section that kind of build up a support community.

I pray you will be guided and healed.

chevyontheriver · Dec 26, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
It's not as easy as you think. If I leave, it's over. No reconciliation. No one would believe me. Plus I don't trust him, if he denies what he says to me, can you imagine what he'll tell people? He recalls things to me so anything hurtful he says is just him responding to my remarks, when it is the complete opposite. He recalls things to make him look better than what actually happened. He'll make it sound as if the devil was using me to bring him, a great man of God, down. He won't own up to all his failimgs, oh he'll admit maybe a bit to make the story plausible, saying he was impatient with me but he'll make me sound like a monster, a dirty, disorienting mess that he should never have married.

If you heard him preach, you would believe him too. He's a great preacher, works hard.

I've heard him retell things, and he's able to put a slight spin at times.

He's even said to me....i dont think you realise who I am, like his greatness

He is not a great man of God if he continually berates his wife. He is more of an eloquent pretender. A great man of God would not act as he does toward you. You have failings as we all do, but him berating you is his huge failing. God is not mocked. He will have to answer for every unkind word to you.

Rachel20 · Dec 26, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
I wouldn't know how to start over, I have been left to feel as if I am not successful, I have no degrees, he didnt want me working when we got married, then decided that I would work with him and get a salary. He controls the money and I only brought over 2 small pieces of furniture when we got married, so basically I didn't have much, which he frequently reminds me.

He destroys your self-esteem and controls the money - so you're both emotionally and financially dependent on him. Sounds like an attempt to make it impossible for you to leave. Maybe that's what he fears deep down.

Maria Billingsley · Dec 26, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
Need Christmas miracle

My husband can be super sweet, and nice and things can be wonderful for a time and he has not gotten super angry in a few weeks, except for today.

Please pray for reconciliation . For healing of our hearts, that me and my husband can see eachother through God's eyes, that I won't disappoint the Lord.

If my husband negative report about me is right, then I am a failure and God is not happy with me so I want the Lord to change me.

Usually I try to shut my mouth, say nothing, let insults slide, etc......to keep the peace

Today first he was like, the turkey's not in the oven yet...then I had just finished stuffing the turkey and told him it's in the oven and heard him coming upstairs, i told him not to come upstairs because the kitchen was still a mess but he came up anyways.

Seeing that I had left a bit, few pieces here and there, of celery and bread in the bowl, and a bit had fallen on the cutting board while stuffing the turkey, plus the mess while cooking, he got upset.

He said what would a professor of cooking do if he saw it, the professor would take points off my grade. Then his aunts, even grandma would correct me if they were here, etc....

Finally after trying to say , it's Christmas, can we not argue....he called me stupid and started again putting my family down, saying my family amounted to nothing, like as if they're all uneducated idiots, etc... do I have to be like them??

I lost it, I said I want to leave.... if I could go back to the beginning, I would say no to marrying him. This is the first time I've said that.

Even though I said this in anger, it's not the first time I thought it. He seems so unhappy with me at times, I'm disorganized, I break things, I'm distracted, etc... that if God would grant me that wish, I would take it so that he would be happy.

I wouldn't know how to start over, I have been left to feel as if I am not successful, I have no degrees, he didnt want me working when we got married, then decided that I would work with him and get a salary. He controls the money and I only brought over 2 small pieces of furniture when we got married, so basically I didn't have much, which he frequently reminds me.

He said in the past he would see a divorce lawyer, that I am a mistake (marrying me), that he is disappointment in me, he even said once he'd tell the judge I was a lesbian because I had difficulty especially in the beginning of our marriage being intimate, because in bed he was nice, outside I couldn't seem to do much right and he was often angry..

When I bring back things he said, he denies he said it or says I am twisting things. I once said in anger I would destroy the house, and he said if I do, he'd break my legs and then later denied saying it.

I can't deny his claims that I have not accomplished much in my life, compared to him. I feel like a mistake at times. I struggle with self esteem issues.

A friend offered me some part time work, data entry, my husband said if I took it I would be an intellectual harlot, because it would be some other man getting me to move me to work (I work with my husband now)

In the beginning of our marriage he caught me calling a prayer line, and said I was a spiritual harlot if I call them so I promised not to call prayer lines (but I can write, I didnt promise I wouldn't write)

I told him he was a fake. That he can speak the word of God well, etc... but doesn't live it. That no one knows how he is at home.

He's called me fat and guyish. I had bought joggers recently to be comfortable shopping, the first day I wore it, he said nothing. The second time, he got angry and said I dress unfeminine, etc...

He says he's been serving the Lord a lot longer than me.

He said today again something along the lines of..that God took care of people who spoke like me, so I better be careful how I speak to him.

He's even said God was disappointed in me another time.

The God he's talking about is disappointed in me, and might ""get" me in a bad way because of the way I speak to him, someone in authority.

I don't know what to do. He doesn't see anything wrong with his anger towards me.
He yells at me and come up to me close, but it doesn't scare me.

ex cleaning our granite counter, I often cannot see if there are grease marks, etc.... except with the morning light. He says I'm nonchalant, I don't care, but I tell him I don't see it and yes, I have new glasses.

My dad was violent so I have no example to go on, and my husband says all couples argue, so it's no big deal.

Sounds like hell. I have no advice as I have had my share of abusive experiences. I fight back mightily to no avail though, I just become a bully myself. Yet letting it go causes a build up of anger and that is no good either. But one thing you did say is "he can be sweet" so there is some goodness in him. Hang on to that. Be blessed.

bekkilyn · Dec 26, 2020

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

What to Expect When You Contact Us - The Hotline

Identify Abuse | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

They also have a live chat through the website if you can't call. They will help you with a plan of what you can do.

Sparagmos · Dec 26, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
I'm crying alone in my kitchen, cause he went to bed, doesn't want me to be home tomorrow, basically doesn't want to see my face.
I wonder what evil did I do to deserve this. Why, why me?

And then in a few days hopefully he'll say he loves me, etc.... I don't understand

God has offered you a way out, but you refuse to take it. You post here every few months with the same story. It's time to stop blaming him for your choices. You ask people to pray for you, but you are unwilling to take any steps to help yourself. Clearly your husband is abusive, and clearly he is not going to change. If you choose to stay knowing that, you choose your own suffering. God has offered you a way out - separation.

Sparagmos · Dec 26, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
True..but if people do believe me, then I am also dragging Jesus/Christianity in the mud. And all the work for the gospel might stop or be hindered. My family will say, see .so called Christians are not any better, divorcing, etc.....

These are excuses you are making for staying. This isn't really about your concern with "dragging Christianity through the mud."

Why don't you EVER accept the advice offered on this forum? I'm at a loss as to why you keep coming back and asking for support, only to reject the advice and support in favor of the beast of a man you are enabling.

Michie · Dec 26, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
Need Christmas miracle

My husband can be super sweet, and nice and things can be wonderful for a time and he has not gotten super angry in a few weeks, except for today.

Please pray for reconciliation . For healing of our hearts, that me and my husband can see eachother through God's eyes, that I won't disappoint the Lord.

If my husband negative report about me is right, then I am a failure and God is not happy with me so I want the Lord to change me.

Usually I try to shut my mouth, say nothing, let insults slide, etc......to keep the peace

Today first he was like, the turkey's not in the oven yet...then I had just finished stuffing the turkey and told him it's in the oven and heard him coming upstairs, i told him not to come upstairs because the kitchen was still a mess but he came up anyways.

Seeing that I had left a bit, few pieces here and there, of celery and bread in the bowl, and a bit had fallen on the cutting board while stuffing the turkey, plus the mess while cooking, he got upset.

He said what would a professor of cooking do if he saw it, the professor would take points off my grade. Then his aunts, even grandma would correct me if they were here, etc....

Finally after trying to say , it's Christmas, can we not argue....he called me stupid and started again putting my family down, saying my family amounted to nothing, like as if they're all uneducated idiots, etc... do I have to be like them??

I lost it, I said I want to leave.... if I could go back to the beginning, I would say no to marrying him. This is the first time I've said that.

Even though I said this in anger, it's not the first time I thought it. He seems so unhappy with me at times, I'm disorganized, I break things, I'm distracted, etc... that if God would grant me that wish, I would take it so that he would be happy.

I wouldn't know how to start over, I have been left to feel as if I am not successful, I have no degrees, he didnt want me working when we got married, then decided that I would work with him and get a salary. He controls the money and I only brought over 2 small pieces of furniture when we got married, so basically I didn't have much, which he frequently reminds me.

He said in the past he would see a divorce lawyer, that I am a mistake (marrying me), that he is disappointment in me, he even said once he'd tell the judge I was a lesbian because I had difficulty especially in the beginning of our marriage being intimate, because in bed he was nice, outside I couldn't seem to do much right and he was often angry..

When I bring back things he said, he denies he said it or says I am twisting things. I once said in anger I would destroy the house, and he said if I do, he'd break my legs and then later denied saying it.

I can't deny his claims that I have not accomplished much in my life, compared to him. I feel like a mistake at times. I struggle with self esteem issues.

A friend offered me some part time work, data entry, my husband said if I took it I would be an intellectual harlot, because it would be some other man getting me to move me to work (I work with my husband now)

In the beginning of our marriage he caught me calling a prayer line, and said I was a spiritual harlot if I call them so I promised not to call prayer lines (but I can write, I didnt promise I wouldn't write)

I told him he was a fake. That he can speak the word of God well, etc... but doesn't live it. That no one knows how he is at home.

He's called me fat and guyish. I had bought joggers recently to be comfortable shopping, the first day I wore it, he said nothing. The second time, he got angry and said I dress unfeminine, etc...

He says he's been serving the Lord a lot longer than me.

He said today again something along the lines of..that God took care of people who spoke like me, so I better be careful how I speak to him.

He's even said God was disappointed in me another time.

The God he's talking about is disappointed in me, and might ""get" me in a bad way because of the way I speak to him, someone in authority.

I don't know what to do. He doesn't see anything wrong with his anger towards me.
He yells at me and come up to me close, but it doesn't scare me.

ex cleaning our granite counter, I often cannot see if there are grease marks, etc.... except with the morning light. He says I'm nonchalant, I don't care, but I tell him I don't see it and yes, I have new glasses.

My dad was violent so I have no example to go on, and my husband says all couples argue, so it's no big deal.

He has some major issues and needs to seek help. It would not matter who his wife was. He’s unbalanced and abusive.

chevyontheriver · Dec 26, 2020

Itsahappyday said:
Thank you. I think it's that what he says is true when he says I'm not neat, break things, etc.. Didn't accomplish much, etc.. I have no arguements for those things.

If I leave, he'll just tell everyone I was not really saved, therefore he'll be free as the Bible says to move on if he wants to.

He will say something smooth and convincing no matter what. But that's on him. He treats you like dirt. You even believe you are dirt. You allow him to treat you that way out of fear that he will say dirty things about you. Either accept that you like that or figure something else out.

A Christian man does not treat his wife like dirt.

Itsahappyday · Dec 26, 2020

Thanks for everyone's prayers, my husband said he was sorry, that he said terrible things and I didn't deserve to be spoken to that way

Itsahappyday · Dec 26, 2020

Sparagmos said:
These are excuses you are making for staying. This isn't really about your concern with "dragging Christianity through the mud."

Why don't you EVER accept the advice offered on this forum? I'm at a loss as to why you keep coming back and asking for support, only to reject the advice and support in favor of the beast of a man you are enabling.

He's not a beast all the time, but when angry says bad things. My husband said he was sorry, that he said terrible things and I didn't deserve to be spoken to that way

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