I have had some recent disagreements with my brother that has put a rift in our relationship. We've never been extremely close and we get along okay...he probably knows more about my life than I do his but that has never bothered me a ton. But he's said some hurtful things and I don't know what my next move is or if there is any move for me to make at all.
To get a better picture of the situation here's some background info. I was sexually abused as a child and assaulted as a teen. I've been through some serious counseling and times in my life but I do pretty well for myself now. I'm roughly 40 now. I have my own family, pretty decent marriage, a great job, and have half my Doctorate done. I do fairly well for myself and have worked hard for where we are today.
Growing up I had a decent relationship with my brother. I was never jealous of him even though he was more spoiled than I was (but he denies he was not). I was always the "be the good example" girl as the oldest. My parents tried having more children than just the two of us and my mom spoiled him more after she lost a baby after him. She babied him, bought him stuff, and always seemed to spend more time with him. He was always known as the "baby boy."
When my parents found out about my sexual abuse, they were devastated. It was a very traumatic time for me...nervous breakdown and other things. I was around 16 years old. They always got me treatment and I did as well as I could for what I had went through. I never blamed my parents for any of this...it wasn't their fault. They went to counseling for how to deal with things and it seemed to help them for awhile.
Slowly things began to spin out of control. My dad in his counseling realized he had Reactive Attachment Disorder and things with his parents growing up were not good. They never told him they loved him. He struggled realizing he had been emotionally neglected and abused by them. He had known that somewhat but it really hit him when he did counseling. My mother did not know really how to handle it so she struggled with this new information too. We never did family counseling. We probably should have.
I then became the target of what they were dealing with. They asked me what I had done to deserve sexual abuse. What do you say to your parents when they ask you that? I was stunned. They began to comment on everything that I was not - I could never get good enough grades, have a nice enough boyfriend, be involved in enough things as a student, dress well enough...the list goes on and on. I felt defeated and lost...the people supposed to be fighting for me would just put me down. I had major depression and anxiety from this and my abuse.
As an adult, it continued into my marriage and after I had children. I gained weight after my first pregnancy and I was too fat according to them (5'3" and 150 lbs). They would hide pictures of me or cut out the "Fat parts" as my mom called them. My dad was chewed me out in a restaurant in front of other patrons after I ordered a second glass of wine once. My husband wasn't good enough either...he'd have two beers at dinner and he was an "alcoholic." I'd be driving and get mad at someone who would cut me off and then I had severe anger issues according to them. I didn't discipline my children enough and they were spoiled. My parents gave us a $500 gift for Christmas one time...the catch was that it had to be used for a vasectomy for my husband and nothing else. Those were the terms. They were telling us after three we were done and that we should've only had two children like them (even though they tried for more). These are only a few of the things have done over the years.
So over the years my brother has learned how my mom and dad talked 'at' me and not 'to' me. They would always be very down about me. My brother now talks to me like that. I've tried talking to my brother about it many times but I don't get anywhere. He just doesn't get it and is clueless and thinks I'm crazy. My brother thinks I hate my parents. I don't hate them, I'm just completely hurt and bitter since I've realized for the last 20+ years that my feelings have been invalidated and I've been gaslit. It was devastating to realize.
Four years ago my dad died of cancer at age 65. My FIL and pastor died of cancer 6-9 months later. My uncle died within that year too of after effects of a plane crash. We were all devastated and crushed, but especially my children. We moved to the same area where my brother lives, mostly by coincidence after all these deaths. My brother and I seemed to put aside our differences, whatever they were. Add Covid six months ago and its been a nasty recipe for my two oldest with mental health issues. Covid compounded everything he was already feeling. My oldest was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in this time. He's really struggling.
When we moved near my brother and his wife we told them clearly that we didnt expect to best buds and hang out all the time. We would do things or see them once in a blue moon. Over the two years we've lived here it has reduced. It started out decent but we don't do as much as much now and we just see them holidays mostly. We've invited them to concerts, piano recitals, sports games, etc and even the stuff on weekends they don't ever try to come to. My brother will hang out when his wife is working but they wont do as much if its the two of them. They don't have any children yet as they didn't want them until recently. Now they are blessed to have a girl due in several months. Before they didn't have much to do with kid stuff and now it's all they talk about. This has been my world for almost 14 years. Now in some ways, they think they know more than I do. My youngest though is just 5 months so I do get it.
Per our Pediatrician to help my oldest with depression, she suggested we should utilize family and get more support. He is enrolled in counseling. So I went to talk to my brother and his wife several weeks ago. I was met with some pretty positive feedback and they said they said they'd help in any way and I asked them to spend more time with us for our kids sake as much as they could give in their lives. I said I'd be happy with anything. We then planned a Halloween activity which was all my brothers idea. Then I reconfirmed with them by text and was ignored. I sent another a day later and was met with we'll stop by that afternoon. I was willing to take anything for my kids sake.
We came home from our activity and I texted them...Never heard a word. We stopped over at their house (it was Halloween) for them to see the kids costumes but we didn't know they had her boss and his wife over (he is a surgeon). They were not happy we stopped over. Maybe that was wrong of us but they were really rude to our children. We had surprised them and it upset them. I just gathered them up and left. It was very odd. My kids were devastated they were treated like that.
I confronted him and asked what happened. He basically talked at me the whole time and was mad that I was upset and the kids were upset since they told him they were upset by how they were treated. He told me I had disrespected him, he will not help out with the kids in any capacity and being a role model since they already have parents, that my kids have mental health issues because of something I have done wrong, and I have my own baby coming soon so now I have my own family. I told him that I wasn't asking him to be another parent, it would just be nice to see you more often since my kids don't really have any grandparents any more (my mom also has terminal cancer now as well at 67). I reiterated that we loved him but I am sick and tired of being leftovers. No matter what I tried to do I couldn't convince him of anything. He had slammed the gavel, cast the stone, and his mind was made up. I basically left like a limping dog. He was humiliating. His wife never said one word to me.
I don't know what to think. I'm so sick of trying to look like I'm not some crazy fool going after them so I can have attention and love. I often tell my husband that my family openly says we love each other but there is no respect or any feeling that we like each other. My oldest mentioned that..."They love us but they really don't like us." I think he's right...I don't expect to be best friends with them but they're avoiding us over and over more often. They don't say hi to us at all in church...they rush to their friends and ooh and aah over their kids instead. They buy them a huge baptismal gift and give money and for my two youngest they never even gave us a card for baptism or anything as they are sponsors and godparents. Maybe that is super trivial and juvenile of me I know but it just reiterates that I'm just not important, and that my family is not important.
So what do I do? Turn the other cheek and walk away and not be involved in their lives? Or do I try more time to stick up for myself? I don't know...It's so difficult because I only have one sibling. I've been on the sidelines my whole life waving my arms to just slightly be noticed and they've always ignored me. When I do get attention, it's always for something negative or where I lack. I always tell my husband "It's always about what I am not and not about what I am." I'm never quite good enough. I'm so over it. I don't want to be judgmental and slamming them as a Christian but they are some of the most self-centered people I have ever met. Even when we go to their house, the kids cannot touch everything or go in certain rooms because everything is like a museum and they have all these collectibles from their trips from Europe etc. She is so organized that everything is color-coded and alphabetized. We invite them to our house but they never want to come over. They will just hang outside and stay for an hour or two and then leave (like July 4th or Memorial Day). Usually it's always her that wants to leave immediately and he gives in.
Any advice or insight is grateful. I know I'm far from perfect but maybe I haven't been tough enough...I'm not sure. There are so many different sides and I am trying to figure out how to come out on top, esp. for my children's sake. I don't want them to suffer anymore. It's not fair.
Sincerely,
The Lost Girl
To get a better picture of the situation here's some background info. I was sexually abused as a child and assaulted as a teen. I've been through some serious counseling and times in my life but I do pretty well for myself now. I'm roughly 40 now. I have my own family, pretty decent marriage, a great job, and have half my Doctorate done. I do fairly well for myself and have worked hard for where we are today.
Growing up I had a decent relationship with my brother. I was never jealous of him even though he was more spoiled than I was (but he denies he was not). I was always the "be the good example" girl as the oldest. My parents tried having more children than just the two of us and my mom spoiled him more after she lost a baby after him. She babied him, bought him stuff, and always seemed to spend more time with him. He was always known as the "baby boy."
When my parents found out about my sexual abuse, they were devastated. It was a very traumatic time for me...nervous breakdown and other things. I was around 16 years old. They always got me treatment and I did as well as I could for what I had went through. I never blamed my parents for any of this...it wasn't their fault. They went to counseling for how to deal with things and it seemed to help them for awhile.
Slowly things began to spin out of control. My dad in his counseling realized he had Reactive Attachment Disorder and things with his parents growing up were not good. They never told him they loved him. He struggled realizing he had been emotionally neglected and abused by them. He had known that somewhat but it really hit him when he did counseling. My mother did not know really how to handle it so she struggled with this new information too. We never did family counseling. We probably should have.
I then became the target of what they were dealing with. They asked me what I had done to deserve sexual abuse. What do you say to your parents when they ask you that? I was stunned. They began to comment on everything that I was not - I could never get good enough grades, have a nice enough boyfriend, be involved in enough things as a student, dress well enough...the list goes on and on. I felt defeated and lost...the people supposed to be fighting for me would just put me down. I had major depression and anxiety from this and my abuse.
As an adult, it continued into my marriage and after I had children. I gained weight after my first pregnancy and I was too fat according to them (5'3" and 150 lbs). They would hide pictures of me or cut out the "Fat parts" as my mom called them. My dad was chewed me out in a restaurant in front of other patrons after I ordered a second glass of wine once. My husband wasn't good enough either...he'd have two beers at dinner and he was an "alcoholic." I'd be driving and get mad at someone who would cut me off and then I had severe anger issues according to them. I didn't discipline my children enough and they were spoiled. My parents gave us a $500 gift for Christmas one time...the catch was that it had to be used for a vasectomy for my husband and nothing else. Those were the terms. They were telling us after three we were done and that we should've only had two children like them (even though they tried for more). These are only a few of the things have done over the years.
So over the years my brother has learned how my mom and dad talked 'at' me and not 'to' me. They would always be very down about me. My brother now talks to me like that. I've tried talking to my brother about it many times but I don't get anywhere. He just doesn't get it and is clueless and thinks I'm crazy. My brother thinks I hate my parents. I don't hate them, I'm just completely hurt and bitter since I've realized for the last 20+ years that my feelings have been invalidated and I've been gaslit. It was devastating to realize.
Four years ago my dad died of cancer at age 65. My FIL and pastor died of cancer 6-9 months later. My uncle died within that year too of after effects of a plane crash. We were all devastated and crushed, but especially my children. We moved to the same area where my brother lives, mostly by coincidence after all these deaths. My brother and I seemed to put aside our differences, whatever they were. Add Covid six months ago and its been a nasty recipe for my two oldest with mental health issues. Covid compounded everything he was already feeling. My oldest was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in this time. He's really struggling.
When we moved near my brother and his wife we told them clearly that we didnt expect to best buds and hang out all the time. We would do things or see them once in a blue moon. Over the two years we've lived here it has reduced. It started out decent but we don't do as much as much now and we just see them holidays mostly. We've invited them to concerts, piano recitals, sports games, etc and even the stuff on weekends they don't ever try to come to. My brother will hang out when his wife is working but they wont do as much if its the two of them. They don't have any children yet as they didn't want them until recently. Now they are blessed to have a girl due in several months. Before they didn't have much to do with kid stuff and now it's all they talk about. This has been my world for almost 14 years. Now in some ways, they think they know more than I do. My youngest though is just 5 months so I do get it.
Per our Pediatrician to help my oldest with depression, she suggested we should utilize family and get more support. He is enrolled in counseling. So I went to talk to my brother and his wife several weeks ago. I was met with some pretty positive feedback and they said they said they'd help in any way and I asked them to spend more time with us for our kids sake as much as they could give in their lives. I said I'd be happy with anything. We then planned a Halloween activity which was all my brothers idea. Then I reconfirmed with them by text and was ignored. I sent another a day later and was met with we'll stop by that afternoon. I was willing to take anything for my kids sake.
We came home from our activity and I texted them...Never heard a word. We stopped over at their house (it was Halloween) for them to see the kids costumes but we didn't know they had her boss and his wife over (he is a surgeon). They were not happy we stopped over. Maybe that was wrong of us but they were really rude to our children. We had surprised them and it upset them. I just gathered them up and left. It was very odd. My kids were devastated they were treated like that.
I confronted him and asked what happened. He basically talked at me the whole time and was mad that I was upset and the kids were upset since they told him they were upset by how they were treated. He told me I had disrespected him, he will not help out with the kids in any capacity and being a role model since they already have parents, that my kids have mental health issues because of something I have done wrong, and I have my own baby coming soon so now I have my own family. I told him that I wasn't asking him to be another parent, it would just be nice to see you more often since my kids don't really have any grandparents any more (my mom also has terminal cancer now as well at 67). I reiterated that we loved him but I am sick and tired of being leftovers. No matter what I tried to do I couldn't convince him of anything. He had slammed the gavel, cast the stone, and his mind was made up. I basically left like a limping dog. He was humiliating. His wife never said one word to me.
I don't know what to think. I'm so sick of trying to look like I'm not some crazy fool going after them so I can have attention and love. I often tell my husband that my family openly says we love each other but there is no respect or any feeling that we like each other. My oldest mentioned that..."They love us but they really don't like us." I think he's right...I don't expect to be best friends with them but they're avoiding us over and over more often. They don't say hi to us at all in church...they rush to their friends and ooh and aah over their kids instead. They buy them a huge baptismal gift and give money and for my two youngest they never even gave us a card for baptism or anything as they are sponsors and godparents. Maybe that is super trivial and juvenile of me I know but it just reiterates that I'm just not important, and that my family is not important.
So what do I do? Turn the other cheek and walk away and not be involved in their lives? Or do I try more time to stick up for myself? I don't know...It's so difficult because I only have one sibling. I've been on the sidelines my whole life waving my arms to just slightly be noticed and they've always ignored me. When I do get attention, it's always for something negative or where I lack. I always tell my husband "It's always about what I am not and not about what I am." I'm never quite good enough. I'm so over it. I don't want to be judgmental and slamming them as a Christian but they are some of the most self-centered people I have ever met. Even when we go to their house, the kids cannot touch everything or go in certain rooms because everything is like a museum and they have all these collectibles from their trips from Europe etc. She is so organized that everything is color-coded and alphabetized. We invite them to our house but they never want to come over. They will just hang outside and stay for an hour or two and then leave (like July 4th or Memorial Day). Usually it's always her that wants to leave immediately and he gives in.
Any advice or insight is grateful. I know I'm far from perfect but maybe I haven't been tough enough...I'm not sure. There are so many different sides and I am trying to figure out how to come out on top, esp. for my children's sake. I don't want them to suffer anymore. It's not fair.
Sincerely,
The Lost Girl
