Religion, faith, God. All used to be a burden of some type to me when thinking about them. I was raised as a Lutheran. Religion was forced upon me, instead of letting it grow and evolve within. As a result, I became cold, calculating and bitter. I bottled up my faith, or whatever I had left of it, and put in a dark place deep within myself. A little about myself, I am the youngest of two children in my family. My father was an officer in the Army and my mother his "War Bride" (as he liked to put it) from Germany. My father was of course strict and all about discipline, as to be expected. My mother was more of a good friend then a mother, as she was unprepared mentally for motherhood, especially when it came to my sister. I grew up traveling from Military post to post. I made little friends and developed social anxiety quickly. Throughout my younger years, it seemed as though I was rated against my father, the Officer with a Masters in Economics. This usually came from my mother, and instilled a lot of self doubt and self esteem issues. I became depressed and lonely. It's interesting and a little sad; while most children lay in there beds at night a dream of one day becoming doctors, firefighters and teachers, I cried myself to sleep knowing that I would be homeless or even dead as I could never amount to anything. I received very little encouragement, and when I did get it, it was from my grandparents. Around the time I was 13 or 14, I was molested by a family friend during a trip to South Carolina. A couple of years later, I had a friend, my age, take advantage of me, resulting in several unwanted acts of sex. This all left me hurt, confused and bitter. Shortly after graduating high school in 2003, I enlisted in the United States Army. It was painful for me. All of that baggage, and now I'm even more depressed. I thought of taking my own life numerous times. Once I hot to my duty station at Fort Carson Colorado, everything changed. Through a friend and his wife that I had made in training, I was introduced to the very person that would one day become my wife. Early on, I saw something about her that begged me to draw closer. Her smile, the contours of her face, the way she sang to herself. All of it. Several months down the line, before I was to deploy to Iraq, I asked her to marry me. Of course she said yes. I knew that the love I had for her was true. She was getting out of a rocky 1st marriage that led to both mental and physical abuse. I knew this, and wanted to protect her, love her, take care if her. Everyone deserves as much, and i was ready to make that commitment. During my deployment, I suffered greatly. Dealing with the issues of war on top of worrying about life back home can just about break a man. Well, it did for me. My mind was fried from the constant worries and stress. Couple that with my already existing self doubt and depression, and what you get is a highly damaged individual. One thing though kept me going, the love of a good woman. I knew, that despite what I've seen around me in the military, adultry, cheating, divorce, that my Michell would conquer all. I believed in her. Every time when people ask how I met my wife and how i knew she was the one, I refer back to this. She was faithful to me when the odds were so stacked against us. The first few years since my deployment went fairly well. We had intentionally set for a long engagement to make up for lost time. We also had a wedding to think about. Things were fresh, new and exciting. Right before we moved to CT in 2011 though, things began to get rocky. I was still suffering from depression and self esteem issues, and we were going nowhere financially. After our move, I was closer to home, family and friends. While that may seem as a positive impact, it turned into mixed results. I was really starting to become distant with Michell, both physically and emotionally. I was treating our marriage the same way that my parents treated theirs. This of course I would find out the hard way the error of this a few years down the way. During this time, my wife renewed her faith in Christ, and was developing her relationship with God more then ever before. For me, just like before, I respected her views, but also rejected personally as I saw faith as no more then a placebo at best. Michell and I struggled over those years in CT. And despite getting good jobs, me going back to school and becoming more financially sound, we were still apart. She would try and connect with me the best way she could, trying to get my attention. She prayed alot, and cried a lot. What hurts the most, is that I knew what was going on, but i always brushed it off and thought it would work itself out. Sometimes I felt stupid, and would beat myself up for not doing anything. Still, it continued. She was sad and lonely, I was depressed with no self worth. Things amplified when we went through several failed attempts at having a child. This was crushing, mostly for her.
When talkes came about moving out of state, I was first reluctant, but eventually came around in the end. For Michell, it was life a new start. One that would take her closer to her family. For me, it was a way of giving her something special, since she was unable to conceive. Our first year in Texas started out ok, but the problems of the past stuck with us. Michell, again connected with the church and now her family. I sat in the dark, a crappy job, doubting myself, beating myself up and remaining distant from my wife. The start of the new year brought was like any other. I noticed Michell getting more distant then ever before. On Valentine's day I wrote her a letter, describing what I admired about her. I retold my story about how much I respected her for staying true and faithful during my time overseas. She seems slightly happy at the fact that I wrote to her, but still felt distant. A few days later, i had an unnatural urge to go through her journals that she kept. Keep in mind, she has had these for years, and never have I had any desire to invade her privacy. I opened up to a page towards the back, and what I read nearly broke me. She was seriously considering leaving me, and I mean seriously. Like, I'm about to tell him in a few days serious. Not only that, but she was trying to rekindle her past with an old flame. A person whom she had strong feelings for when she was a young teenager. I sat on the bed and cried, cried like I never have before. Shortly after, Michell called and asked if I could drop off an item to her at work. I agreed. I got there an hour before we were to meet. I sat in my car trying to figure out how I was going to confront her. When she started walking out, I asked for her to join me. Before I could say anything, I began to cry, my emotions got the better of me. I told her everything. She started crying and asked if we were over. I told her that I would love her no matter what. After that day, we lived in constant torment and stress, thinking about everything. We started to communicate more, sharing our thoughts, trying to rediscover one another. One morning, as I was getting ready for work per usual, everything felt normal. Like the events of the past were a fleeting memory. I suddenly thought that I would take one of Michell's bibles to work with me to read. I found one that I knew she wasn't using and started to flip the pages. Of all the pages in that book to land on, I landed on the only one that snapped me back and reminded me of the pain I felt before. One word, in bold black ink stared at me. The only work in that book which could have impacted me to that extreme. It was "Joel". The man from her past that she was having an emotional affair with. The page was the first page in the book of Joel; admittedly, i didn't even k ow there was a book of Joel in the bible. I laughed this off, was this God trying to speak to me, or was this coincidence? But nothing compared to what was to come on February 28. That day was the worst day and best day of my life. By now, I had already sought counseling from numerous people to help fix my issues, one of them being my father in law, so that I could try and rediscover my faith. At this point, I knew I couldn't fix myself or my marriage by myself any longer as I was constantly failing. After a little argument, and a few shots of rum to get the edge off, Michell and I really got into it and as a result everything was laid out on the table. She admitted to me that her emotional affairs with Joel led to phone sex and admitted that he wants her and she wants him. Furthermore, she admitted to me, that while I was deployed, she picked up and slept with several men at the local bar. My whole world was shattered. How I viewed my life, myself, reality, all of it shatter in front of me like a pane of glass. I died that night, my heart and soul were in pieces and I sobbed like I never had before. The immense pain was like nothing ever before. I took a deep breath and asked God for strength, and I remembered what Jesus taught, love and forgiveness. With all my strength, tears heavy in my eyes, I looked back at Michell and said, "I forgive you, I forgive you for it all." Needless to say she was shocked, she had it in her head that I would throw her out into the streets or even beat her. That of course was never going to happen. Afterwards, I slumped down, took whatever was left of my heart and soul and offered it up to Christ. I had nothing left, my world evaporated and gone in seconds. Michell, seeing me struggle, came over and helped me confess my sins and give myself over. The first in a true reconnecting in our relationship. Afterwards, I felt an enormous weight lifted. I felt clearer, more focused with a new sense of drive and determination to not only better my marriage, but also myself and my new found relationship with God. Again, I died that night, still the best day of my life. The following days and weeks would be a constant roller-coaster ride for both of us as we tried to heal and reform our relationships. I used the mantra, "Trust and have faith." This kept me going, kept me moving forward. I was becoming a new person, all that before me was gone and with my new life with Christ I am a new version, a better version. Things are still a bit rough between us, but I know in my heart that we will heal.
When talkes came about moving out of state, I was first reluctant, but eventually came around in the end. For Michell, it was life a new start. One that would take her closer to her family. For me, it was a way of giving her something special, since she was unable to conceive. Our first year in Texas started out ok, but the problems of the past stuck with us. Michell, again connected with the church and now her family. I sat in the dark, a crappy job, doubting myself, beating myself up and remaining distant from my wife. The start of the new year brought was like any other. I noticed Michell getting more distant then ever before. On Valentine's day I wrote her a letter, describing what I admired about her. I retold my story about how much I respected her for staying true and faithful during my time overseas. She seems slightly happy at the fact that I wrote to her, but still felt distant. A few days later, i had an unnatural urge to go through her journals that she kept. Keep in mind, she has had these for years, and never have I had any desire to invade her privacy. I opened up to a page towards the back, and what I read nearly broke me. She was seriously considering leaving me, and I mean seriously. Like, I'm about to tell him in a few days serious. Not only that, but she was trying to rekindle her past with an old flame. A person whom she had strong feelings for when she was a young teenager. I sat on the bed and cried, cried like I never have before. Shortly after, Michell called and asked if I could drop off an item to her at work. I agreed. I got there an hour before we were to meet. I sat in my car trying to figure out how I was going to confront her. When she started walking out, I asked for her to join me. Before I could say anything, I began to cry, my emotions got the better of me. I told her everything. She started crying and asked if we were over. I told her that I would love her no matter what. After that day, we lived in constant torment and stress, thinking about everything. We started to communicate more, sharing our thoughts, trying to rediscover one another. One morning, as I was getting ready for work per usual, everything felt normal. Like the events of the past were a fleeting memory. I suddenly thought that I would take one of Michell's bibles to work with me to read. I found one that I knew she wasn't using and started to flip the pages. Of all the pages in that book to land on, I landed on the only one that snapped me back and reminded me of the pain I felt before. One word, in bold black ink stared at me. The only work in that book which could have impacted me to that extreme. It was "Joel". The man from her past that she was having an emotional affair with. The page was the first page in the book of Joel; admittedly, i didn't even k ow there was a book of Joel in the bible. I laughed this off, was this God trying to speak to me, or was this coincidence? But nothing compared to what was to come on February 28. That day was the worst day and best day of my life. By now, I had already sought counseling from numerous people to help fix my issues, one of them being my father in law, so that I could try and rediscover my faith. At this point, I knew I couldn't fix myself or my marriage by myself any longer as I was constantly failing. After a little argument, and a few shots of rum to get the edge off, Michell and I really got into it and as a result everything was laid out on the table. She admitted to me that her emotional affairs with Joel led to phone sex and admitted that he wants her and she wants him. Furthermore, she admitted to me, that while I was deployed, she picked up and slept with several men at the local bar. My whole world was shattered. How I viewed my life, myself, reality, all of it shatter in front of me like a pane of glass. I died that night, my heart and soul were in pieces and I sobbed like I never had before. The immense pain was like nothing ever before. I took a deep breath and asked God for strength, and I remembered what Jesus taught, love and forgiveness. With all my strength, tears heavy in my eyes, I looked back at Michell and said, "I forgive you, I forgive you for it all." Needless to say she was shocked, she had it in her head that I would throw her out into the streets or even beat her. That of course was never going to happen. Afterwards, I slumped down, took whatever was left of my heart and soul and offered it up to Christ. I had nothing left, my world evaporated and gone in seconds. Michell, seeing me struggle, came over and helped me confess my sins and give myself over. The first in a true reconnecting in our relationship. Afterwards, I felt an enormous weight lifted. I felt clearer, more focused with a new sense of drive and determination to not only better my marriage, but also myself and my new found relationship with God. Again, I died that night, still the best day of my life. The following days and weeks would be a constant roller-coaster ride for both of us as we tried to heal and reform our relationships. I used the mantra, "Trust and have faith." This kept me going, kept me moving forward. I was becoming a new person, all that before me was gone and with my new life with Christ I am a new version, a better version. Things are still a bit rough between us, but I know in my heart that we will heal.
