I'm just so terrified...

Neostarwcc · Jun 20, 2020

So after I just recovered from an over year long manic episode its starting to look like I'm going to go manic yet again. Why? Because, Tuesday night at around 2:30 in the morning I woke up and had to take my cpap mask off because I noticed I couldn't breathe. Turns out that the same problem that I've had for almost over 20 years now is happening again only after I had two day shipped two replacement hoses from Amazon I still have the same exact problem. It's now been 4 nights of getting virtually 0 sleep. Now my wife and I suspect that It's the machine and I might potentially have to go with 0 sleep until next Friday or longer.

Tbch? I'm afraid of going manic. Very afraid. I'm terrified. The more days that pass by with 0 sleep the higher the chance that I'll go either psychotic or manic. I cannot keep getting 3-4 hours of sleep every single night or I WILL go manic. I'm actually surprised I haven't had any mania and psychotic symptoms yet.

Anyway, apparently yesterday was a holiday and nobody was in my bipap suppliers office. A technician was supposed to get back to me yesterday on an emergency basis and never did so now I have to wait until at LEAST Monday because they're closed all weekend yet, of course. It probably will go on for even longer than Monday too because the Technician is going to have to drive over an hour to get to the town I live in and service my machine. And that's even if he can even diagnose the problem. I might have to go through another day or two getting a replacement bipap machine if mine is in fact, busted. If my medicaid would even cover it.....

I'm also afraid of having a heart attack, I am of heart attack age and my heart was just so pounding and racing last night that it wasn't even funny.

I know that God hasn't abandoned me and that he's seeing me through this crisis and that he's there. I know he's completely sovereign and wanted this to happen. I know that something better will come out of this. But, right now I'm just so terrified and afraid and I could care less about God's sovereignty. I cannot trust God like I ALWAYS cannot trust God to get me through times like these. I swear, if I have another psychotic episode like the one I had to go to a mental hospital in Utica for almost a week I'm just going to lose it.

I hate being schizophrenic and bipolar because they're the most deadly combination ever. When you go manic your symptoms of schizophrenia just get worse and worse. I could handle just being schizophrenic because I'd only occasionally lose my mind but when you go manic and are "psycho" your episodes seemingly last forever. You ever get the sensation of time taking forever instead of it flying? Yeah... most of my year long episodes seem like 50 year long episodes, it just sucks. I'm supposed to trust God, I'm commanded to trust God I just... REALLY struggle in this area. I've had panic disorder for virtually my entire life, I don't know any different. It's just... *sigh*. Can someone please just talk to me through this? I'm really scared.

Aussie Pete · Jun 20, 2020

Neostarwcc said:
So after I just recovered from an over year long manic episode its starting to look like I'm going to go manic yet again. Why? Because, Tuesday night at around 2:30 in the morning I woke up and had to take my cpap mask off because I noticed I couldn't breathe. Turns out that the same problem that I've had for almost over 20 years now is happening again only after I had two day shipped two replacement hoses from Amazon I still have the same exact problem. It's now been 4 nights of getting virtually 0 sleep. Now my wife and I suspect that It's the machine and I might potentially have to go with 0 sleep until next Friday or longer.

Tbch? I'm afraid of going manic. Very afraid. I'm terrified. The more days that pass by with 0 sleep the higher the chance that I'll go either psychotic or manic. I cannot keep getting 3-4 hours of sleep every single night or I WILL go manic. I'm actually surprised I haven't had any mania and psychotic symptoms yet.

Anyway, apparently yesterday was a holiday and nobody was in my bipap suppliers office. A technician was supposed to get back to me yesterday on an emergency basis and never did so now I have to wait until at LEAST Monday because they're closed all weekend yet, of course. It probably will go on for even longer than Monday too because the Technician is going to have to drive over an hour to get to the town I live in and service my machine. And that's even if he can even diagnose the problem. I might have to go through another day or two getting a replacement bipap machine if mine is in fact, busted. If my medicaid would even cover it.....

I'm also afraid of having a heart attack, I am of heart attack age and my heart was just so pounding and racing last night that it wasn't even funny.

I know that God hasn't abandoned me and that he's seeing me through this crisis and that he's there. I know he's completely sovereign and wanted this to happen. I know that something better will come out of this. But, right now I'm just so terrified and afraid and I could care less about God's sovereignty. I cannot trust God like I ALWAYS cannot trust God to get me through times like these. I swear, if I have another psychotic episode like the one I had to go to a mental hospital in Utica for almost a week I'm just going to lose it.

I hate being schizophrenic and bipolar because they're the most deadly combination ever. When you go manic your symptoms of schizophrenia just get worse and worse. I could handle just being schizophrenic because I'd only occasionally lose my mind but when you go manic and are "psycho" your episodes seemingly last forever. You ever get the sensation of time taking forever instead of it flying? Yeah... most of my year long episodes seem like 50 year long episodes, it just sucks. I'm supposed to trust God, I'm commanded to trust God I just... REALLY struggle in this area. I've had panic disorder for virtually my entire life, I don't know any different. It's just... *sigh*. Can someone please just talk to me through this? I'm really scared.

Have you considered the possibility that you are being attacked by an evil spirit? God has not given us a spirit of fear, so it is not from Him. When you start to feel fear come upon you, command it to leave. Lord Jesus came to set the captives free. He gave us His authority and power to deal with the enemy of our souls.

Another thing we need to be aware of is that we need a revelation of God's love for us. Perfect love casts out fear. You could ask God for the Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation so that you can know God's love. Mental agreement is not enough. We need to know in the depths of our being. God's love, mercy and grace is always there to help.

SarahsKnight · Jun 20, 2020

Neostarwcc said:
I'm supposed to trust God, I'm commanded to trust God I just... REALLY struggle in this area. I've had panic disorder for virtually my entire life, I don't know any different. It's just... *sigh*. Can someone please just talk to me through this? I'm really scared.

I don't know what good mere words on my part can do for someone who appears to suffer from this many problems as you do - especially this combination of mania and sleep disorder - but if just seeing a post from us can do anything for you, make you feel the least bit better, as indicated by your heartfelt plea above to "just talk to me through this", then I hope this will help.

Please try to calm yourself, no matter how hard it must be to even try to at this point, and take slow, deep breaths. I know it is really hard to trust God - and trust that He is for you and not against you - in really bad and painful, fearful times like this, but please try. Somehow, He always seems to ultimately come through, no matter how long and unfortunately often painful the wait for Him to come through is. It is really difficult sometimes to have a full, complete trust in Him at heart, so perhaps consider praying as (I believe it was, though I might have two people confused) the doubting Thomas did in the four gospels, for God to help even your unbelief (or your occasional feeling that your faith is slipping). He did believe, mind you, but still, he needed help from the Lordwith even just that much. So perhaps, when you have come to a moment when you are feeling a bit more calm than youapparently were at the time of your OP post, pray to the Lord for Him to help you trust.

Neostarwcc · Jun 20, 2020

Thanks for your replies and prayers I dont have time to respond or read them right now I'm going to try to get some sleep tonight. But when I wake up tomorrow morning I'll try to reply. I kind of wanted to make a topic tomorrow morning anyway. I'm kinda excited about it. See ya'll then! GN!

Neostarwcc · Jun 21, 2020

SarahsKnight said:
I don't know what good mere words on my part can do for someone who appears to suffer from this many problems as you do - especially this combination of mania and sleep disorder - but if just seeing a post from us can do anything for you, make you feel the least bit better, as indicated by your heartfelt plea above to "just talk to me through this", then I hope this will help.

Please try to calm yourself, no matter how hard it must be to even try to at this point, and take slow, deep breaths. I know it is really hard to trust God - and trust that He is for you and not against you - in really bad and painful, fearful times like this, but please try. Somehow, He always seems to ultimately come through, no matter how long and unfortunately often painful the wait for Him to come through is. It is really difficult sometimes to have a full, complete trust in Him at heart, so perhaps consider praying as (I believe it was, though I might have two people confused) the doubting Thomas did in the four gospels, for God to help even your unbelief (or your occasional feeling that your faith is slipping). He did believe, mind you, but still, he needed help from the Lordwith even just that much. So perhaps, when you have come to a moment when you are feeling a bit more calm than youapparently were at the time of your OP post, pray to the Lord for Him to help you trust.

That did help me thanks! I'm actually feeling a little better this morning and definitely feel good after reading your post. I was freaking out last night but my panic attack didn't last very long thank God.

What's really stupid is, as a Calvinist I believe that God is completely sovereign. But yet, there's so many times when I don't trust him to take care of things. Stupid, right? How can God be sovereign and in control of everything that happens and yet not take care of my every need? I used to doubt my salvation this way too until I finally learned to rest on the promises of God in his word and what God has personally revealed to me over the years. Not to mention the fruit, I've grown a lot since first becoming a sheep of God. This suffering was in God's plan so I should just accept it, you know? Peter said that we should rejoyce in our suffering because it leads to many blessings later on.

What I didn't mention yesterday though was that while I didn't get quality sleep yesterday I did sleep most of the afternoon and from 10 PM last night until almost 5 AM. I woke up several times but that's to be expected. I didn't get that much sleep before. From Tuesday night to yesterday morning I was lucky if I got 20 hours sleep total and between yesterday and yesterday night I probably slept a good 13 hours or so. So, God is looking out for me.

As for a heart attack, I've did plenty horrible to my body over the years. Hence the reason I even need a bipap machine in the first place. You'd think if I was going to have a heart attack, I would have had one by now. Plus even if I did have a heart attack my odds of survival are actually quite high these days of medical science. And they could give me good medicine like asprin to help increase the odds of survival of my second one if I have one plus reduce the risk of having one in the first place. So... yeah...

Odds are something better is going to come out of this than my current suffering. We can't see the future like God can. Whether its rewards in the next life or a blessing in this life, God will provide. I shouldn't worry about going manic or psychotic because even if it does happen it's not like it's going to be the end of the world. I've had many episodes over the course of the last 10 years almost since my diagnosis. I got through every single one of them, none of them permenantly hospitalized me. In fact, I only really needed to be hospitalized for one of them. So... yeah. Bright side!

Neostarwcc · Jun 21, 2020

Aussie Pete said:
Have you considered the possibility that you are being attacked by an evil spirit? God has not given us a spirit of fear, so it is not from Him. When you start to feel fear come upon you, command it to leave. Lord Jesus came to set the captives free. He gave us His authority and power to deal with the enemy of our souls.

Another thing we need to be aware of is that we need a revelation of God's love for us. Perfect love casts out fear. You could ask God for the Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation so that you can know God's love. Mental agreement is not enough. We need to know in the depths of our being. God's love, mercy and grace is always there to help.

It could be possible that demons want to get to me and people like me because we're more suspectible to listenening to them.

But, honestly like I said I've been suffering from panic disorder since I was a very little kid. It's nothing new and when I'm manic or experiencing psychosis I'm more abpt to ignore God and go on my own feelings. Which ofc, is only going to make me freak out even more.

Peace does come from God and I've felt peace before. There's times I like to focus on God and his peace and there are times where I just completely freak out and go crazy lol. Not good.

But, whether it's demons attacking me or not I need to rest more in God's many multiple promises. Not only am I a chosen child of God but I am also very loved by God. I know these truths no matter what Satan tries to get me to believe. Lol, even during my episodes I like helping others and doing God's work depending on the severity of the episode. Sometimes I don't even know who I am or what's going on. Lol, can't do God's work when that happens.

But yeah, it could be demons. I just need to learn to ignore them and start listenening to the voice of God lol.

Aussie Pete · Jun 22, 2020

Neostarwcc said:
It could be possible that demons want to get to me and people like me because we're more suspectible to listenening to them.

But, honestly like I said I've been suffering from panic disorder since I was a very little kid. It's nothing new and when I'm manic or experiencing psychosis I'm more abpt to ignore God and go on my own feelings. Which ofc, is only going to make me freak out even more.

Peace does come from God and I've felt peace before. There's times I like to focus on God and his peace and there are times where I just completely freak out and go crazy lol. Not good.

But, whether it's demons attacking me or not I need to rest more in God's many multiple promises. Not only am I a chosen child of God but I am also very loved by God. I know these truths no matter what Satan tries to get me to believe. Lol, even during my episodes I like helping others and doing God's work depending on the severity of the episode. Sometimes I don't even know who I am or what's going on. Lol, can't do God's work when that happens.

But yeah, it could be demons. I just need to learn to ignore them and start listenening to the voice of God lol.

You can ignore them, better still get free. Lord Jesus came to set the captives free. Someone who knows their authority in Christ can deal with them easily. Kick em out and keep em out!

Neostarwcc · Jun 23, 2020

Great news guys! We got a hold of the technician finally and my wife and I have an appointment to see him at 10:00 on Friday. So Friday night it should be resolved.

I asked him about getting another machine and he said that they'd need a doctors note and my doctor cant write a note without seeing me (he cant see me until July 8th hes booked up) so this might not be resolved if he cant fix my machine. I dont even think I could pay $200 a month and rent one without a note from my doctor either and to buy these machines they're over $3,000. So that's not realistic (my wife and I are pretty poor and my mom just had to buy another car because the car that she bought thats only 5 years old crapped the bed on her.

So... hopefully the technician can fix it. Otherwise I'm waiting nearly 3 weeks. Lol. But... we're trying to be happy! It's making progress!

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I'm just so terrified...

Neostarwcc

We are saved purely by the work and grace of God.

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Aussie Pete

Well-Known Member

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SarahsKnight

Jesus Christ is this Knight's truth.

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Neostarwcc

We are saved purely by the work and grace of God.

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Neostarwcc

We are saved purely by the work and grace of God.

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Neostarwcc

We are saved purely by the work and grace of God.

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Aussie Pete

Well-Known Member

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Neostarwcc

We are saved purely by the work and grace of God.

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