Do you feel guilty for not reconciling to others?

quintessentialramble said:

do you feel guilty for being the person not willing to reconcile when the other party is sincere in wanting to make things work? particularly in a friendship

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Why would you not want to reconcile?

It depends on the situation. If both of you have something that can't be reconciled, let it go. Friends come and go and are not something permanent in your life. You don't have to feel guilty about it.

quintessentialramble said:

do you feel guilty for being the person not willing to reconcile when the other party is sincere in wanting to make things work? particularly in a friendship

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I share @Aussie Pete's puzzlement as to why one would not wish to reconcile. It seems you may be asking one of two contrasting questions:

• Do you feel guilty if you choose to ignore a sincere attempt at reconciliation?
• Do you feel guilty if, despite attempting reconciliation, with sincerity on both sides, you still feel unable to reconcile?

Which of these is intended by you, or is there another alternative I am missing?

If it is either of the two alternatives I have offered, the answer would be "No" in each case. In the unlikely event that reconciliation was possible it would be because of the extreme nature of the offence that had caused the breach. One might choose to view this as a refusal to forgive, but that is arguable.

quintessentialramble said:

more or less i'm trying to see from the other side; as far as i can recall i'm always willing to reconcile; however for any fractured relationships I have the other party has never been willing; in some cases sin was involved; in some cases it was just ex girlfriend; in some cases it was just complicated.
I do get there are some serious sins out there that I would completely understand a full removal of contact; not really what i'm referring to here though. I'm generally referring to friendships that were ended for not so serious things, like a person being annoying; or perhaps an argument of sort. For me, the fractured relationships tend to come up due to me being annoying more than anything else.
So, in that sense, I suppose I would be more on the front of asking if you ignore reconciling with someone who genuinely wants to try to work out whatever is wrong.

As far as I can see, biblically, it has never made sense that you can forgive without reconciling. I don't know one instance where God forgives without reconciles, or reconciles without forgiving. Jesus made it abundantly clear that our relationships are so important that they should take priority over tithing; he says to go and be reconciled to your brother before giving your gift at the altar. Paul said let there be no divisions among you. I sense a very strong tinge of guilt from Paul here considering these sentiments were echoed following his split with Barnabas.
However, there is also the story of the immoral man in Corinth and how he was removed until he repented--but even in this case of one of the most horrible sins; Paul told them to reconcile if he repented....which he did.
If we think about it; we have all committed horrible heinous sins; so I don't think there is any just cause to hold that against someone by casting them away from our presence. Paul himself was a murderer and then preached to the families he murdered....I dare say if Paul preached today he would probably be (unjustly) excommunicated from them because churches think they understand better than he.

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OK, I agree with you. Reconciliation and forgiveness go hand in hand. That's our basis for salvation. God forgives and reconciles us to Himself. If God does that, who are we to do differently?

In my opinion, reconciliation begins and ends with God. We can pray and present our desire to the other person. But we can't enforce a bond. They must agree to our desire for friendship.

The idea of knocking on a door that refuses to open is futile. That gives the impression they're the lone option I have for companions. God can bring others who are more compatible.

I'm not going to beg anyone to be my friend. And I won't keep hounding them for reconciliation either. There's comes a point when you have to let go and accept the situation. Remaining in that place is unhealthy and causes a stasis. You're frozen. Moving on is the solution.

~Bella

quintessentialramble said:

more or less i'm trying to see from the other side; as far as i can recall i'm always willing to reconcile; however for any fractured relationships I have the other party has never been willing; in some cases sin was involved; in some cases it was just ex girlfriend; in some cases it was just complicated.

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quintessentialramble said:

For me, the fractured relationships tend to come up due to me being annoying more than anything else.

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Now of course I don't know you personally. So, this is for however any of this goes for you . . . and all of us.

In general, reading what you share here, which is so personal . . . I suppose being annoying can mean relating in an un-Biblical way. And I understand God expects us to relate with humility and gentleness and feeling for one another. And we have scriptures about how to practice this >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

This is one scripture, which I take to mean how God has us mutually submissive, so we are sensitive and prayerful to God while with each other. So, no one is taking over the relating, and doing all the steering! No one is taking over everyone's attention, but we share together.

So . . . in case a person is being un-subject and about oneself and there is breaking-up, there is nothing to reconcile back to, because there was not mutual submission in the first place. But if we have not been relating right, we need to go on to how we are submissive to God and staying this way while sharing with one another.

So, our relating needs to not be like gunning the accelerator of our car while no one is holding the steering wheel; but we need God to do the steering, so our relating mutual is "in the fear of God" . . . in His peace ruling our relating >

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

I now get this > let God's peace role play in our hearts > let God's peace in us be our role model of how to be and relate while we are with one another.

In case any of us have been immoral or isolating ourselves mainly with only one person we use for whatever . . . this surely can fall apart or break, because God will not honor selfish and isolated loving and pleasure seeking; and so there won't be His grace and love to keep that. So, there is nothing to get reconciled back to, if our relating has been wrong. And each person needs to get with God, then test and find out who and what He is committed to.

And I would say He will have people get with other maturing Christians, not isolating only with certain favorites who like what we like. And learn how to relate with seniors and younger maturing children of God.

"For if you love those who love you," Jesus says in Matthew 5:46, "what reward have you?"

So, we need to discover who else is all-loving while being God's family, so we can learn how to relate as family while helping each other also to love and pray with hope for any and all people > 1 Timothy 2:1-4. And therefore do not isolate in order to use anyone. Even marriage is not for only making your own dreams come true, but marriage needs to include being a workshop for learning how to relate in an intimate relationship . . . so we grow in how to love intimately with our other Jesus family people > Philippians 2:13-16, Ephesians 4:31-32.

So, of course, by intimate I do not mean physical marital sharing, but deeper with God and one another.

So . . . while you are not reconciling with people (maybe, like I mean, because it isn't what God might want to restore you to, anyway) . . . pray for God to develop you so you are ready for mutual submission and prayerfully being sensitive with people. And then you might discover people who are gentle and humble, and it could turn out how ones you broke from are not really ready to share in a mutual and humble and honest relationship . . . especially if they were breaking from you because they found they could not use you for what they want.

After all, an unconditionally loving person won't give up on you. The person might get away . . . but in order to pray with hope for you > love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7). So, it may be your girlfriends and others do not know how to love; and now you need to become their example, and for others, too, then see what God does >

"And I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved." (2 Corinthians 12:15)

I see from this, how once Paul became ready for love, others were not ready for him. But God's love had Paul love more and more abundantly, anyway, and not give up on love. Then, I would say, he discovered what Barnabas had been doing by not giving up on Mark. So, as you get more with God and loving, you will discover others, but do not get conceited so you associate only with the real ones; because Jesus left Heaven itself in order to reach us and save us and share all His good with even us. And this is our example >

"And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma." (Ephesians 5:2)

So God bless you and all of us, more and more abundantly so we are sharing with Him

quintessentialramble said:

I couldn't reconcile (no pun intended) how I would just have to keep going from different church to different church every time I had a conflict that couldn't be resolved.

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If disagreements required someone to move from place to place that's a problem. It's an extreme example of conflict. That isn't healthy. Differences shouldn't require removal unless they're to a degree where remaining would be disruptive for all involved. That may occur in limited instances. But a pattern of the same is another matter.

Just because I'm a believer doesn't mean I can behave like the Tazmanian devil and get upset when others withdraw to shield themselves. If there are medical reasons why I can't behave in acceptable ways, I should address them. Operating beyond appropriateness and expecting tolerance and non reaction is unreasonable. Wounding causes problems.

We're not doormats. We shouldn't trod upon others. It's unloving. Christ-like love considers the other. That means turning our gaze inward to determine how we're contributing to the strife we're experiencing. We can't demand perfection from others while excusing ourselves under the guise of grace. That goes both ways.

Do unto others. Not, do what you want and expect them to uphold the Golden Rule on your behalf. Mistakes happen. But few will subject themselves to constant mistreatment. That's irrational.

There are people who wound others and feel guilt and sorrow about the consequences of their behavior afterward. They rarely change. They have a long list of broken relationships. We should pray for them and provide counsel and support as needed.

~Bella

quintessentialramble said:

do you feel guilty for being the person not willing to reconcile when the other party is sincere in wanting to make things work? particularly in a friendship

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I'll usually try to reconcile, maybe even go out of my way to do so, if I see that the other person is making a genuine effort to re-connect with me.

quintessentialramble said:

this isn't the crux of what I'm talking about. I'm talking about basic, mundane things, like maybe someone texts too much...so they're too annoying. maybe they accidentally said a bad word once.

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QR,

Thank you for clarifying.

Everyone in the church is sick. We excel in some areas and we[re weaker in others. Sometimes those weaknesses rub against another person's and uncomfortable situations are the result.

This, more than anything, is my issue with church--they have gotten to the place where they are so ok with cutting friends off and setting boundaries, that they see no need to extend grace, mercy, and mentorship to a new believer.

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I suspect many don't feel a need (or want in some cases) to develop bonds with members of the church. They go and enjoy the service and participate in activities. But it isn't the source of their closest relationships or friendships.

I wasn't raised in Christian culture. Although we were Catholic, I don't recall church members visiting our home or joining us in activities we enjoyed. My grandparents were the same. There were a few occasions when someone dropped by but they weren't a fixture.

I've followed suit for the most part. I've shared meals and phone calls. But nothing beyond that. Unlike the early church, we lack the proximity to really know someone beyond Sunday interactions. The majority are on their best behavior. You're not seeing the real person. You're seeing them at their best.

In the current day, the majority forge meaningful friendships outside of church. Work and school provide opportunities for greater access than a weekly service. You're able to see the person in a different setting and get a sense of who they are. When difficulties arise within the church there's little motivation to push through. Apologies are made but that may be the whole of it.

The absence of need in fellowship is why its lacking. Some people need to bond because they have no engagement elsewhere. They make a greater effort and want the closeness you mentioned. But that isn't true for most and that's why many feel ignored or left behind.

The Internet expanded our circle. Your local neighbor isn't the lone source for interaction. You can find Christians with similar interests and develop bonds with them. Many are doing that. We naturally gravitate to people like ourselves. Virtual communities have the bridged the gap for what's lacking real time.

You may benefit from an environment that's more insular. Like the Mennonites. Where you'll experience love and community and won't feel left out. But the greater church isn't like that. We're familiar strangers for the most part.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

sometimes I do feel guilt, but let us re!ember that reconciliation and making amends have always been about the heAling of the relationship between us and that person. sometimes I have get guilty but then it has been pointed out to me that there was a reason I didn't want to still associate with that toxic person. If a 'relationaship isn't helpful to you, why try get it back? If you have sinned against that person confess it to God and he will forgive you . sometimes making amends is the right thing to do but not always

quintessentialramble said:

the Bible does address serious sins--this isn't the crux of what I'm talking about. I'm talking about basic, mundane things, like maybe someone texts too much...so they're too annoying. maybe they accidentally said a bad word once. But truly, at the heart of this is the fact that in almost every single case, there is hypocrisy attached. In my example, I was forbidden from Bible studies because I was annoying, after being verbally insulted by the pastor's family...even in spite of this, I was the one to apologize, to try to work things out...this is just one example. How about my very first week in church my only Christian friend saying we don't have to be friends, while I'm sitting there reading all about "love one another." and "let there be no divisions among you." Obviously such things would cause divisions.
This, more than anything, is my issue with church--they have gotten to the place where they are so ok with cutting friends off and setting boundaries, that they see no need to extend grace, mercy, and mentorship to a new believer. It's almost as if Christians believe that Christianity is exclusive to those born into it...and this, this is my issue. I have counted my FB messages of people who wanted to give Christianity a try...and virtually every single one says the same---totaling 789 people..all saying Christians betrayed them in very similar fashion....this is not ok.

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I

Re: texting too much,I just wait and then respond to texts when am free to respond. I have some very needy friends who text multiple times a day or call multiple to.as a day and I just wait maybe leave a while before I get back to them. That way I don't let it get to me too much. They don't mean any harm and are lovely people so I just wait Nd make sure my needs for rest Nd space are met and then get back to them when am ready.

Never give time or money or energy to others that you can ill afford... You've what you have...if you need a rest then give yourself that. The Enemy likes to install guilt into us but this isn't God's will

quintessentialramble said:

I'm generally referring to friendships that were ended for not so serious things, like a person being annoying; or perhaps an argument of sort.

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So your saying if someone was annoying, and my feelings of annoyance concerning them caused a fracture in our friendship but I made a full faith attempt at reconciliation only to be met with the annoying person absolutely rejecting my attempt at reconciliation and preferring instead to end the friendship?

Is that the scenario?

In that case the annoying person just proved they were an annoyance and nothing more and I would move along with an eye toward those who were legitimately desirous of friendship with me.

I've never refused anyone reconciliation... as a beside... other than a man who would have killed me (quite literally) had I stayed. But even him I forgave.

Hazelelponi said:

So your saying if someone was annoying, and my feelings of annoyance concerning them caused a fracture in our friendship but I made a full faith attempt at reconciliation only to be met with the annoying person absolutely rejecting my attempt at reconciliation and preferring instead to end the friendship?

Is that the scenario?

In that case the annoying person just proved they were an annoyance and nothing more and I would move along with an eye toward those who were legitimately desirous of friendship with me.

I've never refused anyone reconciliation... as a beside... other than a man who would have killed me (quite literally) had I stayed. But even him I forgave.

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If someone is abusive you can forgive them and just leave them to God...don't compromise your safety and allow them.to sin by abusing you.again

quintessentialramble said:

do you feel guilty for being the person not willing to reconcile when the other party is sincere in wanting to make things work? particularly in a friendship

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It depends on the situation. Sometimes parting ways is the healthiest move, and it doesn’t at all mean that you do not wish the person well. That you don’t still care about them.