- Feb 3, 2020
- 22
- 22
- 24
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Hi, my name is Megan. I don’t think God loves me because He chose me to be an Esau. And in the scriptures, it says He hated Esau. And that He has mercy on whom He has mercy and chooses to harden who He wants to harden. (Romans 9) I remember reading that when I was a teenager and I didn’t like that about God. I never had an encounter with God before. I never heard Him speak to me. Never really felt His presence of what I can remember. And my life never changed after I got into Jesus and the Bible. I never changed. I am a mentally ill person. Messed up in the head. My life was just darkness and full of weird messed up sin. I was anorexic when I was 11. Then it went away. Then when I was 16 I got mentally ill again I was obsessed with climate change and veganism. Then Jesus and the Bible got thrown into it. I was crazy. Then I got really scared of the unforgivable sin thinking I did it and then I had the worst satanic and blasphemous thoughts against the Holy Spirit. My legs and heart would burn and I went to the mental hospital for 21 days. They say I’m schizophrenic so they put me on more antipsychotics than I was on before. I knew Jesus was Lord. And I didn’t understand why God created me to go to hell. As time went on I got boy obsessed and didn’t get scared of unforgivable sin anymore and I don’t think I had any fear of the Lord anymore. I did sexual sins a bunch when I was 18 and 19 but I had no sexual feeling cuz of my meds so idk why I did it. And I had many hell experiences after I smoked weed 2 times 1 year apart. I felt what hell was like while I was on earth. I knew I was separated from God all things good. I was already in torment. And I knew God wouldn’t forgive me after this and oh my gosh my worse fear is happening to me. I’m in this soul and I’m stuck in it to suffer forever. and now all they can do is give me drugs to calm me down and I’ll die and go to hell. And that’s what’s happening. And this year when it was excruciating I cried out to God that he’d forgive me but I found no relief. Now I have no emotions anymore. I never cry. I think I’m a sociopath. I think I did deliberate sins too much and I can’t be forgiven that or I was given over to a reprobate mind and I committed the unforgivable sin because I don’t even have any fear about it anymore. I pray but nothing happens. I see everyone else’s lives with Jesus and I’m jealous. I don’t understand why Jesus didn’t do the same for me. I guess it’s simply because He doesn’t love me and He didn’t choose me. Sometimes I get so confused I don’t know what’s real anymore. I know Jesus is out there I see the miracles for other people. I knew so much truth and light yet I sinned and I think that increases my condemnation. I remember going to the international house of prayer conference in 2016 and I wanted to have an encounter with God and my friend I brought to have one too but nothing happened. I was just always messed up in the head. I never truly had a relationship with Jesus. And I want one but I try and He doesn’t respond at all to me. He doesn’t tell me He loves me or anything. I don’t think He loves me. And I know He’s coming back soon and He’s going to take His holy people with Him and I’m not one of them.