Jokes thread

What do agnostic, dyslexic insomniacs do?

They lie awake at night and wonder if there is a dog.

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Chrystal-J said:

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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Cute!

A priest, a preacher, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up as says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

A knockabout bloke was down on his luck and couldn't find any work, so he caught the bus to Vaucluse, a very wealthy Sydney suburb, to knock on people's front doors, asking for odd jobs. He walked up the driveway to a huge mansion and rang the doorbell.

When a bloke came out, he asked "Got any odd jobs need doing?"

"Actually" said the gent, " I need my porch painted. It's around the back."

"No worries" said the bloke.

So the man gave him a 4 gallon tin of green paving paint and sent the bloke around to paint the back porch. About three hours later, the bloke came around the front and rang the doorbell again.

"I've finished" he said. "Nice job too. Two coats".

"Fine" said the gent, and gave him twenty bucks.

"Thanks" said the bloke and started to leave.

As he was walking down the driveway he turned and shouted "By the way, I don't think it was a Porch. It looked more like a Ferrari."

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

Chrystal-J said:

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

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That reminds me of how Kentucky Fried Chicken advertises that their chicken is delivered fresh daily. It's true. One day they deliver to one group of stores, the next day to another group and so on through the week.

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his friends and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared home Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally the wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her.

I said, “No. I can’t deal with high maintenance women.”

And God said to John, “Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

What jokes are allowed during the time of quarantine?

Inside jokes!

When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to eat, I do NOT want to hear “I don’t know.” YOU HAD 45 DAYS!

If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t touch your face.

Before coronavirus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.

charsan said:

I don't know (running away now )

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Lol!