*Disclaimer- (I have no filter, negativity below)
I get to lows like now, where I just see the world and everyone around me as weak. If you; reading this right now had any idea what I'm going through.. If I could put my mind into yours. I would stake my own life that you would not be able to handle it. The pain that I live with outweighs that of anybody, even Christ himself. When you live in this type of pain, blasphemy, all of this is nonsense. I would love for God to strike me down, at this point I've said everything I can to provoke God. For him to show me he's real.. And it is not a lie when I say that my pain is greater than Christs himself.
You can classify me as narcissistic, self absorbed, ignorant. That's easy, but the truth is I'm just in pain. That's all I know. I live by my emotions, trying to understand every one of them that I feel. When you are finally disillusioned by all of your former beliefs collapsing on your head. To the point where you no longer know what brings you happiness. When what you once loved the most turned against you. That's when life happens. That's when all you know is pain. I've lived in this pain for soo long and i'm exhausted..
I prayed, honestly and sincerely. And part of that prayer is that I want to strangle God if I ever see him. Because I put all my trust in him. When you put all of your trust in something, all of your misery and all of your happiness is within that something. If you couldn't tell already, my misery is within God right now. This desire to strangle him, tell him that my pain far surpasses his. Is the complete detachment of what I put my trust in. And I desperately want to be in unity with trust again, but where I put it is where I lost it.
What I've learned is that pain has nothing to do with circumstance. Having your life threatened, being abused. At the very heart of pain is distrust. Pain and suffering is a complete loss of trust. You can carry the same amount of pain by losing a toenail as you can with losing a loved one. You can carry the same amount of pain living in a prison camp as you can living at home with your loving parents. Pain isn't circumstantial. It's evidential. Your own evidence and former beliefs are what bring the pain. It's how pain is measured..
At times where I'm living in pain, it's as if I'm begging someone to understand me. I'm calling for misery to meet me. Because the trust that I lost, must meet me inside of misery for me to accept it again. What you accept, must be accepted within yourself at any given moment. And I accepted misery as I lost my trust. To the extent you attached love to someone/something, you've attached hatred to someone/something below the surface of your conscience. When the surface melts, or breaks then what's below the surface arises. In my case, the loss of trust brought anger and hatred. And at any moment it's either hope or fear. Trust or distrust. While Rebellion is a passionate attempt to gain back your trust. Chaos is demanding peace. And hatred/isolation is demanding love/unity. These emotions I feel are demanding balance. And I'm so close yet so far..
I get to lows like now, where I just see the world and everyone around me as weak. If you; reading this right now had any idea what I'm going through.. If I could put my mind into yours. I would stake my own life that you would not be able to handle it. The pain that I live with outweighs that of anybody, even Christ himself. When you live in this type of pain, blasphemy, all of this is nonsense. I would love for God to strike me down, at this point I've said everything I can to provoke God. For him to show me he's real.. And it is not a lie when I say that my pain is greater than Christs himself.
You can classify me as narcissistic, self absorbed, ignorant. That's easy, but the truth is I'm just in pain. That's all I know. I live by my emotions, trying to understand every one of them that I feel. When you are finally disillusioned by all of your former beliefs collapsing on your head. To the point where you no longer know what brings you happiness. When what you once loved the most turned against you. That's when life happens. That's when all you know is pain. I've lived in this pain for soo long and i'm exhausted..
I prayed, honestly and sincerely. And part of that prayer is that I want to strangle God if I ever see him. Because I put all my trust in him. When you put all of your trust in something, all of your misery and all of your happiness is within that something. If you couldn't tell already, my misery is within God right now. This desire to strangle him, tell him that my pain far surpasses his. Is the complete detachment of what I put my trust in. And I desperately want to be in unity with trust again, but where I put it is where I lost it.
What I've learned is that pain has nothing to do with circumstance. Having your life threatened, being abused. At the very heart of pain is distrust. Pain and suffering is a complete loss of trust. You can carry the same amount of pain by losing a toenail as you can with losing a loved one. You can carry the same amount of pain living in a prison camp as you can living at home with your loving parents. Pain isn't circumstantial. It's evidential. Your own evidence and former beliefs are what bring the pain. It's how pain is measured..
At times where I'm living in pain, it's as if I'm begging someone to understand me. I'm calling for misery to meet me. Because the trust that I lost, must meet me inside of misery for me to accept it again. What you accept, must be accepted within yourself at any given moment. And I accepted misery as I lost my trust. To the extent you attached love to someone/something, you've attached hatred to someone/something below the surface of your conscience. When the surface melts, or breaks then what's below the surface arises. In my case, the loss of trust brought anger and hatred. And at any moment it's either hope or fear. Trust or distrust. While Rebellion is a passionate attempt to gain back your trust. Chaos is demanding peace. And hatred/isolation is demanding love/unity. These emotions I feel are demanding balance. And I'm so close yet so far..
