I don't know where to start with this conversation, but I feel really bad. My husband works a lot, and I feel like we are disconnected. Money is a big deal to him and his family. We have gone months away from each other (there were a few visits). We get along, but we don't get along. Lately, all I have thought about is us not working out. He doesn't want to hang out with my family, I'm always going to his with him. He gets a day off, I might get an hour out of the house with him, and the TV gets the rest of the day with him.
So we were married 10 months from the first date. It wasn't easy either. I was constantly compared to and educated on every single girl he had dated. It's just awkward. That's the type of thing that I never wanted to speak about in my relationship with him, but it happened on the first date. I didn't want to be asked about mine or hear about his, but I was. He had 4 girls including me that were serious relationships. Then all these in-between exes that were girls he went out with once or twice, or just talked to by text, etc. You would think they all dated him for 2 years. The time frame didn't add up at all, so I thought maybe he was a cheater instead of them being a cheater because he dated them all for a year to two years with a year and a half thrown in there for when he moved out of state. I don't think he's the cheating type at all, honestly. It seems like he had an obsession over exes. This made dating and my whole first year of marriage so hard because I could see him with someone else the whole time. Almost like I couldn't see him with me. I tend to overthink- A KEY FACTOR TO UNDERSTANDING THE REST OF THIS.
Things got better, but it's just been hard lately. It's that relationship roller coaster. Divorce is just on my mind all the time. The past year hasn't looked all that great, but we give it our all, or I hope we are. It was really hard. I ended up working for 4 different places last year (seasonal/temp jobs). The husband recently told me that if I left, he wouldn't fight for us or chase after me. That has hurt me the most. Just knowing that someone is ok with throwing us away- especially if I felt as pushed away as I have lately. I also have someone on my mind a lot. I don't know why he is, but it's someone I went to school with as a little kid, Randal. We reconnected on social media about eight years ago. He lived a few houses down from my uncle. We weren't friends or anything, just acquaintances. I always thought he was just really cute; I'm super attracted to him. I remember seeing him in our small town and passing by his house, seeing him out with his horse and I just always melted when I saw him. I love black hair and brown eyes. That's what I have always been attracted to. It's what I always thought I wanted my babies to look like (spoiler alert: my husband has blue eyes and light brown hair and I'm ok with that). I knew a lot about one of his guardians, his grandfather. Rs background consists of being raised by grandparents, one being great, the other not so much. He and his grandmother were beat by his grandfather who is also known for molesting (children, his children, and his mentally ill sister). R wasn't molested. The man even started a church. R told me "he's no preacher." I was just told he was crazy by most people. He was super unfaithful to his wife too. Married his sister-in-law after his wife passed (he died two years later), but he had already been having sex with her and other women the whole time he was married to his wife (according to Randal). You can tell all of this it killed Randal. He said it's made him a better person. Sure, just knowing this is wrong, makes one smart to not do any of it which is great, but it has broke this man. His mom was barely in the picture. I don't know much about her, but his dad was only in his life 6 times until he was 18. His dad is a successful man. His grandmother was his best friend. They endured that pain together. It breaks me to think of the 10 year old kid I remember getting on the bus going through this. I work with kids who go through things like this, by the way. I just want to cry thinking of a kid going through this. I cry because R doesn't deserve this.
Randal tried to get the chance with me (2012), and I only talked to him via Facebook and text. NOTE: this was a time where I was sexually assaulted, nearly raped by my ex who told me he had respect for my virginity. It was a horrible relationship where something was always wrong and I was trying to save it through prayer and help him. That guy wanted to get closer to God, but seemed to be cruel to me every chance he got. Plus, I had the stress of school and my new job, and all with the harsh words and doings of my ex replaying in my head even though I forgave him, I was still haunted by what had just happened. I wasn't mentally stable for a relationship. Back to R, he started giving me a nickname and making these posts about me like I was doing great things for him like making his day or making him smile. I was only texting him. I was really into who I felt like he was, but he wasn't asking me out. He was inviting me to an auction (like furniture, etc). He also asked me to come to bible school which was probably close to an hour away from me. To me, that every weekend auction wasn't a date. Remember, I hadn't seen this guy in a handful of years. I was so overwhelmed, I ended up talking to him less and less and then kinda went off on him telling him that I felt like he was demanding me to talk to him. The last thing I needed was someone bossing me around and it being a relationship like the last one I had. That's when I had to cut ties with him. It just got really annoying, plus, I was kinda afraid of all the harsh stuff my family that lives down the road from his family would have to say. My cousin told me R was weird, so that scared me away. I told him frequently on his "sad because Im looking for a good girl and shes not I'm gonna give up" posts that I hoped and prayed that he found "the one," because I do hope that, and I still pray for that. It wasn't me. It still isn't. I ended up deleting him as a friend and he tried to readd again.
Months ago, I logged into my old Facebook and found those messages. I reread them, and I noticed how I ended it. I don't think he had actually demanded me to talk to him. I think he freaked out when I dropped the ball on answering right away. I have a feeling that has happened 100x to this guy bcause hes clingy. In the past month, I added him back on my newFB which I call a junk account. Anyone can add me, I use it to promote my side gig. To be honest, I had checked out his page many times because he has crossed my mind a lot. I always wondered where Id be if I gave him a chance. It's almost like I felt like I wanted to date him, but I couldnt. He just kinda gave me the creeps when he nicknamed me even though he was pretty sweet for the most part. Recently, he broke up with his fiance. She really wasn't a winner. He could do 100x better. Just the vulgar language and lifestyle- he said she was proud of it. With him always talking about church and was raised by the "reverend" grandfather, I would expect someone more fruitful to be dating him.
A song took me back to childhood which reminded me of driving down that road and seeing that place he lived in. It just made me think of him a little more. Not to mention, my husband feels MIA 90% of my week. Its like Rs been on my mind ever since. A few days later, the grandfather came up in conversation (I like to think that he was better than I heard, and hope he is really in Heaven), so I asked about that family, and a family friend who lived down the road also said that the grandpa was a molester and that Randal was weird (just like my cousin said). I'd say its probably a social thing that makes him weird because he seems really sweet. On the weird thing- I am glad I dodged that bullet. I also stalked his FB and it looks like the way he talked to me, he talked to other girls in similar ways. He met some at bars, some a church. It was all about impressing someone, really. I think he was so neglected, that he dreamed of having that dream girl and every girl is being wedged into that mold by him. They all came off as part of a crowd that I don't want to be a part of. So, it makes me think that's his crowd, another bullet dodged.
I couldn't stop thinking of him. I did look at a lot of pictures of him online, just wondering. It doesn't help that I live near where he had moved to and I am working at a new school this semester that is in the new place he moved to. Everything out there reminds me of him. It doesn't help that his dad is Police Chief out here, I work with some cops. Good thing the job is temp. I can't stop thinking of him or even looking at his profile picture. Nothing sexual, just wonder. It's like I have a dolled up version of him on my mind and it made me wonder if I am having an emotional affair or what? I have felt tempted forever to message him- I really wanted to apologize for the way that I feel like I ran him off. Looking back at those old messages, I felt like I sounded like a jerk. That has bothered me. The way I just cut him off. He hadn't posted since Jan 3 and I felt like he was depressed from his break-up. He has even posted memes that stated things like "if you're thinking suicide, I am safe to talk to." He posts every day, but when I didn't see things for days, it made me kinda concerned with him. So, I messaged and apologized for the way that I came off as 8 years ago. He ended up telling me a bunch of stuff. I did mention I just wanted him to ask me out back then. Not just invite me to an auction. He claims he did, but I am thinking probable miscommunication- nobody was picking up what the other was throwing down. To think of it, I was kinda nervous about him asking me out. I wanted to talk to him, but didn't. He talked about life a lot, we didn’t stop talking. He hasn't slept in 6 days now. That makes me uneasy and hopeful that he takes care of himself. My thoughts for him are still there. I try to escape a lot of them, like sexual (I have a lot of intrusive stuff that happens, so I dodge those). They really boil down to thoughts of it working out with him back then and where we could be today. Would we have kids? Good careers? A nice home? A good family life? An amazing church family? I don't want to think sexual thoughts about him, but I feel like they kinda creep in so I shut them down. I know God has a plan. We wouldn’t have worked out. I’d still be here with my husband, J.
So how long have we been messaging? Since Tuesday morning. I asked if he remembered me before I apologized for being a jerk (or what looked like one to myself) to verify he wasn't some player who didn't know who I was. He came back with exactly who I am, who my family was, etc. He made comments about how we could've been together, how he wishes he could've dated me. I don't buy into that stuff. I did explain to him about what life was like when he tried dating me (how I was damaged by my ex) and that I did like him, but I had fear and was really overwhelmed. I left the part out where he ended up nicknaming me and kinda crossed the line by creeping me out. He says I am flirting, I am not, I just kept responding and trying to help him be more positive. He said he's giving up on love and I told him to, so she can find him. So that God can guide. He ended up telling me he doesn't believe in God anymore (another bullet dodged). I cried tears. He explained about how crappy his life has been. I was telling him how life is hard and how God has His hand on me and I am making it. I spilled out how I felt about my marriage in part of it, so he focused on that. I did tell him things that I probably shouldn't but I just have been wanting to vent to another person. That's why I am kinda worried I am if this is an emotional affair because I can't stop thinking of him (his story just really breaks me), and I did share something kinda personal about marriage, but I have vented to my mom, cousin, and aunt about this too. Would that be an emotional affair to them? I’m not going out with anyone or spending time with someone else over my husband. I just want my husband back instead of tired husband who doesn’t care. R’s just really chill and seems like an easy person to talk to about anything. I don't believe in affairs/adultery. That's not where I am wanting to go with this. I've just been laying around sick for days and I messaged him ultimately just to apologize. I tend to open up to people all the time because I feel so broken. And here I am again venting to you guys on here. About 11:00 today, I dwindled down the messages because I thought I went too far telling about my marriage and I have ended it with vague messages because I don't want to be guilty of an emotional affair because that isn't what I want. I prayed and I feel like many thoughts of him have gone away.
I feel hopeless with this marriage. My husband, J, came off as this glorious person when we started dating. He told me he wasn't cocky, he was confident. He lied a lot to me. J made me think that he was all into church and bible. He believes and he really loves The Lord, but I can't get us into a church. There's something wrong with every one of them, there's not any complaints when we don't go. This is something that I often forget about, but when I remember, it hurts. He'd pull my pants down and touch me (I was a virgin, so I didn't know a lot- not even what he was doing down there). He did something where it was like sex, he [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Maybe like he wasn't all the way in me or he was sandwiched somewhere. It wasn't like when we did finally have sex, but it makes me feel so bad about myself that someone who says and does things for me to show me that they really love me would do that to me. He told me it wasn't sex. He said he was just teasing me, but I didn't want it. I just kinda took it and accepted the fact that no man will ever respect my body. J eventually got me to have sex with him. He apologized after we were married. I just forgave him for what he did, but I hate what he did in the beginning when he knew I wasn't interested in that. Randal told me he doesn't have sex, he has respect. Hope that's true. I wish these other guys were like that. If you are reading this, please don't be that guy, and if you are, seek God and stop, please. Randal ended up telling me that he felt like I loved J, but not in love with him. From time to time, I feel like that. I can't see myself leaving my husband, but I get a feeling that I should. I want it to be better. I am just so over the barely in my life thing with him. He's usually too tired to talk to me and too tired to even spend the day with me on the weekends. He can go bowling after work with his friends just fine. He can't go to things with my friends and family invites us, but I can go over to the in-laws and be treated like crap with no taking up for me (and that's got its ups and downs, not always treated like crap, but it's been made known that I am not blood and we're not treated like a couple, but rather, just J, the golden boy). He talked himself up a lot, just to be someone else. He lies to me all the time. He had an STD and told me he had something but didn't know what it was. It was Chlamydia. How can you not know or remember that? I mean he lies to me about brushing his rotting teeth! We live in a dump with black mold that he won't fix. I can't do it because it's his mom's house and I don't want to upset her since she's already upset 24/7. We can't have kids unless we do IVF. He seriously gave me the ultimatum of having kids or a new house. That crippled me considering most people get to do both. We can afford both.
So I just feel guilty like I've done some sort of emotional affair because I am an emotional person and I feel like I don't feel anything for my husband and Randal crosses my mind too much and that gives me the feels. Turns out he's related to my husband's mom....
I don't plan on meeting up with anyone or having a relationship with someone else, I really just want to work on my relationship with my husband even though it doesn't look like it's gonna work out, it can. I’ve hoped all week with the 3-day weekend that we can reconnect. I've been skeptical of R, but also interested. I know I find him very attractive, but I think all kinds of people look good! Many men run through my mind a lot. Like when we have sex, I hate it. I just want to feel something for my husband. Even though I don't feel anything at times, I still do for him because it's in there somewhere even if it feels like a tiny love. I had a guy friend who friend zoned himself to find out where I was working and told me to meet up with him, I thought a double date would be wonderful since we were both married and were just friends like before (we only went on one date and he’s on the same construction site as J) and he went on to tell me how he felt about me. Oh. Too late, buddy. I had talked to him before how marriage was hard because I posted something sad on FB- it was a meme. I open up easily. That time, this guy took up for my husband and explained how the job he has is hard on him (they do similar jobs). I ended up blocking him. I always get sucked into conversations like that. I fall for men as friends like they are respectful friends (like a brother) and they're not. I ran one off last summer, a coworker. I just like people too much and am too friendly. Currently feeling like a bad wife/Christian. Like an adulterer because I shared my life with someone.
Thoughts? I feel like I have a dolledup version of R in my mind. A man who looks like him with everything I want in life, but different than what he actually is.
So we were married 10 months from the first date. It wasn't easy either. I was constantly compared to and educated on every single girl he had dated. It's just awkward. That's the type of thing that I never wanted to speak about in my relationship with him, but it happened on the first date. I didn't want to be asked about mine or hear about his, but I was. He had 4 girls including me that were serious relationships. Then all these in-between exes that were girls he went out with once or twice, or just talked to by text, etc. You would think they all dated him for 2 years. The time frame didn't add up at all, so I thought maybe he was a cheater instead of them being a cheater because he dated them all for a year to two years with a year and a half thrown in there for when he moved out of state. I don't think he's the cheating type at all, honestly. It seems like he had an obsession over exes. This made dating and my whole first year of marriage so hard because I could see him with someone else the whole time. Almost like I couldn't see him with me. I tend to overthink- A KEY FACTOR TO UNDERSTANDING THE REST OF THIS.
Things got better, but it's just been hard lately. It's that relationship roller coaster. Divorce is just on my mind all the time. The past year hasn't looked all that great, but we give it our all, or I hope we are. It was really hard. I ended up working for 4 different places last year (seasonal/temp jobs). The husband recently told me that if I left, he wouldn't fight for us or chase after me. That has hurt me the most. Just knowing that someone is ok with throwing us away- especially if I felt as pushed away as I have lately. I also have someone on my mind a lot. I don't know why he is, but it's someone I went to school with as a little kid, Randal. We reconnected on social media about eight years ago. He lived a few houses down from my uncle. We weren't friends or anything, just acquaintances. I always thought he was just really cute; I'm super attracted to him. I remember seeing him in our small town and passing by his house, seeing him out with his horse and I just always melted when I saw him. I love black hair and brown eyes. That's what I have always been attracted to. It's what I always thought I wanted my babies to look like (spoiler alert: my husband has blue eyes and light brown hair and I'm ok with that). I knew a lot about one of his guardians, his grandfather. Rs background consists of being raised by grandparents, one being great, the other not so much. He and his grandmother were beat by his grandfather who is also known for molesting (children, his children, and his mentally ill sister). R wasn't molested. The man even started a church. R told me "he's no preacher." I was just told he was crazy by most people. He was super unfaithful to his wife too. Married his sister-in-law after his wife passed (he died two years later), but he had already been having sex with her and other women the whole time he was married to his wife (according to Randal). You can tell all of this it killed Randal. He said it's made him a better person. Sure, just knowing this is wrong, makes one smart to not do any of it which is great, but it has broke this man. His mom was barely in the picture. I don't know much about her, but his dad was only in his life 6 times until he was 18. His dad is a successful man. His grandmother was his best friend. They endured that pain together. It breaks me to think of the 10 year old kid I remember getting on the bus going through this. I work with kids who go through things like this, by the way. I just want to cry thinking of a kid going through this. I cry because R doesn't deserve this.
Randal tried to get the chance with me (2012), and I only talked to him via Facebook and text. NOTE: this was a time where I was sexually assaulted, nearly raped by my ex who told me he had respect for my virginity. It was a horrible relationship where something was always wrong and I was trying to save it through prayer and help him. That guy wanted to get closer to God, but seemed to be cruel to me every chance he got. Plus, I had the stress of school and my new job, and all with the harsh words and doings of my ex replaying in my head even though I forgave him, I was still haunted by what had just happened. I wasn't mentally stable for a relationship. Back to R, he started giving me a nickname and making these posts about me like I was doing great things for him like making his day or making him smile. I was only texting him. I was really into who I felt like he was, but he wasn't asking me out. He was inviting me to an auction (like furniture, etc). He also asked me to come to bible school which was probably close to an hour away from me. To me, that every weekend auction wasn't a date. Remember, I hadn't seen this guy in a handful of years. I was so overwhelmed, I ended up talking to him less and less and then kinda went off on him telling him that I felt like he was demanding me to talk to him. The last thing I needed was someone bossing me around and it being a relationship like the last one I had. That's when I had to cut ties with him. It just got really annoying, plus, I was kinda afraid of all the harsh stuff my family that lives down the road from his family would have to say. My cousin told me R was weird, so that scared me away. I told him frequently on his "sad because Im looking for a good girl and shes not I'm gonna give up" posts that I hoped and prayed that he found "the one," because I do hope that, and I still pray for that. It wasn't me. It still isn't. I ended up deleting him as a friend and he tried to readd again.
Months ago, I logged into my old Facebook and found those messages. I reread them, and I noticed how I ended it. I don't think he had actually demanded me to talk to him. I think he freaked out when I dropped the ball on answering right away. I have a feeling that has happened 100x to this guy bcause hes clingy. In the past month, I added him back on my newFB which I call a junk account. Anyone can add me, I use it to promote my side gig. To be honest, I had checked out his page many times because he has crossed my mind a lot. I always wondered where Id be if I gave him a chance. It's almost like I felt like I wanted to date him, but I couldnt. He just kinda gave me the creeps when he nicknamed me even though he was pretty sweet for the most part. Recently, he broke up with his fiance. She really wasn't a winner. He could do 100x better. Just the vulgar language and lifestyle- he said she was proud of it. With him always talking about church and was raised by the "reverend" grandfather, I would expect someone more fruitful to be dating him.
A song took me back to childhood which reminded me of driving down that road and seeing that place he lived in. It just made me think of him a little more. Not to mention, my husband feels MIA 90% of my week. Its like Rs been on my mind ever since. A few days later, the grandfather came up in conversation (I like to think that he was better than I heard, and hope he is really in Heaven), so I asked about that family, and a family friend who lived down the road also said that the grandpa was a molester and that Randal was weird (just like my cousin said). I'd say its probably a social thing that makes him weird because he seems really sweet. On the weird thing- I am glad I dodged that bullet. I also stalked his FB and it looks like the way he talked to me, he talked to other girls in similar ways. He met some at bars, some a church. It was all about impressing someone, really. I think he was so neglected, that he dreamed of having that dream girl and every girl is being wedged into that mold by him. They all came off as part of a crowd that I don't want to be a part of. So, it makes me think that's his crowd, another bullet dodged.
I couldn't stop thinking of him. I did look at a lot of pictures of him online, just wondering. It doesn't help that I live near where he had moved to and I am working at a new school this semester that is in the new place he moved to. Everything out there reminds me of him. It doesn't help that his dad is Police Chief out here, I work with some cops. Good thing the job is temp. I can't stop thinking of him or even looking at his profile picture. Nothing sexual, just wonder. It's like I have a dolled up version of him on my mind and it made me wonder if I am having an emotional affair or what? I have felt tempted forever to message him- I really wanted to apologize for the way that I feel like I ran him off. Looking back at those old messages, I felt like I sounded like a jerk. That has bothered me. The way I just cut him off. He hadn't posted since Jan 3 and I felt like he was depressed from his break-up. He has even posted memes that stated things like "if you're thinking suicide, I am safe to talk to." He posts every day, but when I didn't see things for days, it made me kinda concerned with him. So, I messaged and apologized for the way that I came off as 8 years ago. He ended up telling me a bunch of stuff. I did mention I just wanted him to ask me out back then. Not just invite me to an auction. He claims he did, but I am thinking probable miscommunication- nobody was picking up what the other was throwing down. To think of it, I was kinda nervous about him asking me out. I wanted to talk to him, but didn't. He talked about life a lot, we didn’t stop talking. He hasn't slept in 6 days now. That makes me uneasy and hopeful that he takes care of himself. My thoughts for him are still there. I try to escape a lot of them, like sexual (I have a lot of intrusive stuff that happens, so I dodge those). They really boil down to thoughts of it working out with him back then and where we could be today. Would we have kids? Good careers? A nice home? A good family life? An amazing church family? I don't want to think sexual thoughts about him, but I feel like they kinda creep in so I shut them down. I know God has a plan. We wouldn’t have worked out. I’d still be here with my husband, J.
So how long have we been messaging? Since Tuesday morning. I asked if he remembered me before I apologized for being a jerk (or what looked like one to myself) to verify he wasn't some player who didn't know who I was. He came back with exactly who I am, who my family was, etc. He made comments about how we could've been together, how he wishes he could've dated me. I don't buy into that stuff. I did explain to him about what life was like when he tried dating me (how I was damaged by my ex) and that I did like him, but I had fear and was really overwhelmed. I left the part out where he ended up nicknaming me and kinda crossed the line by creeping me out. He says I am flirting, I am not, I just kept responding and trying to help him be more positive. He said he's giving up on love and I told him to, so she can find him. So that God can guide. He ended up telling me he doesn't believe in God anymore (another bullet dodged). I cried tears. He explained about how crappy his life has been. I was telling him how life is hard and how God has His hand on me and I am making it. I spilled out how I felt about my marriage in part of it, so he focused on that. I did tell him things that I probably shouldn't but I just have been wanting to vent to another person. That's why I am kinda worried I am if this is an emotional affair because I can't stop thinking of him (his story just really breaks me), and I did share something kinda personal about marriage, but I have vented to my mom, cousin, and aunt about this too. Would that be an emotional affair to them? I’m not going out with anyone or spending time with someone else over my husband. I just want my husband back instead of tired husband who doesn’t care. R’s just really chill and seems like an easy person to talk to about anything. I don't believe in affairs/adultery. That's not where I am wanting to go with this. I've just been laying around sick for days and I messaged him ultimately just to apologize. I tend to open up to people all the time because I feel so broken. And here I am again venting to you guys on here. About 11:00 today, I dwindled down the messages because I thought I went too far telling about my marriage and I have ended it with vague messages because I don't want to be guilty of an emotional affair because that isn't what I want. I prayed and I feel like many thoughts of him have gone away.
I feel hopeless with this marriage. My husband, J, came off as this glorious person when we started dating. He told me he wasn't cocky, he was confident. He lied a lot to me. J made me think that he was all into church and bible. He believes and he really loves The Lord, but I can't get us into a church. There's something wrong with every one of them, there's not any complaints when we don't go. This is something that I often forget about, but when I remember, it hurts. He'd pull my pants down and touch me (I was a virgin, so I didn't know a lot- not even what he was doing down there). He did something where it was like sex, he [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Maybe like he wasn't all the way in me or he was sandwiched somewhere. It wasn't like when we did finally have sex, but it makes me feel so bad about myself that someone who says and does things for me to show me that they really love me would do that to me. He told me it wasn't sex. He said he was just teasing me, but I didn't want it. I just kinda took it and accepted the fact that no man will ever respect my body. J eventually got me to have sex with him. He apologized after we were married. I just forgave him for what he did, but I hate what he did in the beginning when he knew I wasn't interested in that. Randal told me he doesn't have sex, he has respect. Hope that's true. I wish these other guys were like that. If you are reading this, please don't be that guy, and if you are, seek God and stop, please. Randal ended up telling me that he felt like I loved J, but not in love with him. From time to time, I feel like that. I can't see myself leaving my husband, but I get a feeling that I should. I want it to be better. I am just so over the barely in my life thing with him. He's usually too tired to talk to me and too tired to even spend the day with me on the weekends. He can go bowling after work with his friends just fine. He can't go to things with my friends and family invites us, but I can go over to the in-laws and be treated like crap with no taking up for me (and that's got its ups and downs, not always treated like crap, but it's been made known that I am not blood and we're not treated like a couple, but rather, just J, the golden boy). He talked himself up a lot, just to be someone else. He lies to me all the time. He had an STD and told me he had something but didn't know what it was. It was Chlamydia. How can you not know or remember that? I mean he lies to me about brushing his rotting teeth! We live in a dump with black mold that he won't fix. I can't do it because it's his mom's house and I don't want to upset her since she's already upset 24/7. We can't have kids unless we do IVF. He seriously gave me the ultimatum of having kids or a new house. That crippled me considering most people get to do both. We can afford both.
So I just feel guilty like I've done some sort of emotional affair because I am an emotional person and I feel like I don't feel anything for my husband and Randal crosses my mind too much and that gives me the feels. Turns out he's related to my husband's mom....
I don't plan on meeting up with anyone or having a relationship with someone else, I really just want to work on my relationship with my husband even though it doesn't look like it's gonna work out, it can. I’ve hoped all week with the 3-day weekend that we can reconnect. I've been skeptical of R, but also interested. I know I find him very attractive, but I think all kinds of people look good! Many men run through my mind a lot. Like when we have sex, I hate it. I just want to feel something for my husband. Even though I don't feel anything at times, I still do for him because it's in there somewhere even if it feels like a tiny love. I had a guy friend who friend zoned himself to find out where I was working and told me to meet up with him, I thought a double date would be wonderful since we were both married and were just friends like before (we only went on one date and he’s on the same construction site as J) and he went on to tell me how he felt about me. Oh. Too late, buddy. I had talked to him before how marriage was hard because I posted something sad on FB- it was a meme. I open up easily. That time, this guy took up for my husband and explained how the job he has is hard on him (they do similar jobs). I ended up blocking him. I always get sucked into conversations like that. I fall for men as friends like they are respectful friends (like a brother) and they're not. I ran one off last summer, a coworker. I just like people too much and am too friendly. Currently feeling like a bad wife/Christian. Like an adulterer because I shared my life with someone.
Thoughts? I feel like I have a dolledup version of R in my mind. A man who looks like him with everything I want in life, but different than what he actually is.
