As I wrote in my other post, I have been seeking salvation for ten years. One of the things that stymies me is the requirement to deny oneself. I, so far, just "cannot" seem to bring myself to do this. Just today, I was trying to get saved, repeating certain verses, as I often do. I had thought that I am just not looking beyond myself. I'm tied up in myself.
When seeking salvation, I try to do as little else as possible. But I have to do some things. Just today, after realizing I can't see beyond myself, I was taking care of a necessary task, all the while saying to Jesus, "You say to deny oneself." Because I had to concentrate on the task, I didn't think I was actually getting closer to denying myself; I just kept saying that to Jesus. I had the thought, can I deny myself and get saved while doing this task? But then I realized that even when I have no task to do, and can concentrate 100% on seeking salvation, I STILL do not deny myself and get saved even then. So, of course, while having to concentrate on a task, I'm not going to deny myself and get saved.
I have big tasks to attend to today, and possibly beyond. It has always bothered me, having to do some task, because I cannot concentrate on getting saved while doing it. When concentrating on getting saved, I do various things, such as repeating certain verses, and trying to "give my life to Christ." One verse I tend to repeat, for instance, is "this is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners. So, sometimes, i say, "Jesus, I'm a sinner. Save me!" But I know He can't save someone who won't repent.
At other times, I consider and repeat the verse, "God now commands all men everywhere to repent." Then I try to repent, asking Jesus to "take me," because I know I can't do what He wants me to do on my own. But afterwards, I figure, "what if my words do not match what's going on in my heart? What if I say 'take me!" but in my heart I am not really yielding, submitting to the real Jesus? What if in my head I am 'submitting' to an imaginary Jesus?"
For a good while, during my ten year search, I had one or more misconceptions. A friend of mine cleared up one of them. I had the idea that, since people are sinners, God is into tormenting them. It was either become a Christian in this life, and let God torment you unbearably NOW, or don't become a Christian and He will torment you unbearably after death. It was natural to choose delayed torment. But a Christian friend, with whom I have communicated with for most or all of those ten years, cleared up that misconception. Christians may suffer, but God is not punishing them for their sins if they do.
Jesus says, count the cost. While realizing that suffering, persecution might or WILL come, I have THOUGHT I took that into account, then given my life to Christ. But I always doubt, later. I have OCD and this contributes to the problem.
But today, when I realized I could not see beyond myself, I temporarily gave up for the moment. It's like denying self is having to throw all your effort into having to move a huge weight. I just stopped trying to move it this morning, for the time being.
I'm afraid that I have been trying to approach Jesus and the Kingdom of Heaven, all the while having self on the throne. It's as if my number one thing is that Self has to rule. I filter everything, including the gospel, through the filter of self. I'm afraid that that's what's in my heart. Therefore, asking me to repent is like asking me to walk through a brick wall.
It's been a ten year frustration. Self has to get rid of self, and self is totally unwilling to do so. It's like being told to jump over a ten story building or you're going to hell. But you can only jump three inches.
Self has to get rid of self, but self is the Immovable Object.
When seeking salvation, I try to do as little else as possible. But I have to do some things. Just today, after realizing I can't see beyond myself, I was taking care of a necessary task, all the while saying to Jesus, "You say to deny oneself." Because I had to concentrate on the task, I didn't think I was actually getting closer to denying myself; I just kept saying that to Jesus. I had the thought, can I deny myself and get saved while doing this task? But then I realized that even when I have no task to do, and can concentrate 100% on seeking salvation, I STILL do not deny myself and get saved even then. So, of course, while having to concentrate on a task, I'm not going to deny myself and get saved.
I have big tasks to attend to today, and possibly beyond. It has always bothered me, having to do some task, because I cannot concentrate on getting saved while doing it. When concentrating on getting saved, I do various things, such as repeating certain verses, and trying to "give my life to Christ." One verse I tend to repeat, for instance, is "this is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners. So, sometimes, i say, "Jesus, I'm a sinner. Save me!" But I know He can't save someone who won't repent.
At other times, I consider and repeat the verse, "God now commands all men everywhere to repent." Then I try to repent, asking Jesus to "take me," because I know I can't do what He wants me to do on my own. But afterwards, I figure, "what if my words do not match what's going on in my heart? What if I say 'take me!" but in my heart I am not really yielding, submitting to the real Jesus? What if in my head I am 'submitting' to an imaginary Jesus?"
For a good while, during my ten year search, I had one or more misconceptions. A friend of mine cleared up one of them. I had the idea that, since people are sinners, God is into tormenting them. It was either become a Christian in this life, and let God torment you unbearably NOW, or don't become a Christian and He will torment you unbearably after death. It was natural to choose delayed torment. But a Christian friend, with whom I have communicated with for most or all of those ten years, cleared up that misconception. Christians may suffer, but God is not punishing them for their sins if they do.
Jesus says, count the cost. While realizing that suffering, persecution might or WILL come, I have THOUGHT I took that into account, then given my life to Christ. But I always doubt, later. I have OCD and this contributes to the problem.
But today, when I realized I could not see beyond myself, I temporarily gave up for the moment. It's like denying self is having to throw all your effort into having to move a huge weight. I just stopped trying to move it this morning, for the time being.
I'm afraid that I have been trying to approach Jesus and the Kingdom of Heaven, all the while having self on the throne. It's as if my number one thing is that Self has to rule. I filter everything, including the gospel, through the filter of self. I'm afraid that that's what's in my heart. Therefore, asking me to repent is like asking me to walk through a brick wall.
It's been a ten year frustration. Self has to get rid of self, and self is totally unwilling to do so. It's like being told to jump over a ten story building or you're going to hell. But you can only jump three inches.
Self has to get rid of self, but self is the Immovable Object.
