As a child, I had an unfortunate incident which caused some damage to my bones, particularly my skull, and causing my head to look somewhat different from your average person. This damage did not heal as expected, and so I grew up with the injury that I had sustained as a child.
Growing up with this injury was an absolute nightmare because I was verbally bullied all throughout school, up until the point of graduation. I was called an Alien, weird, ugly, and every other name you could think of and the amount of tears I shed over this could've filled up a bath tub. I was absolutely miserable and there was nowhere I could turn. Everywhere I went, I had people looking, children laughing, and absolute heartbreak for my family who had to witness me being picked on.
I remember this one time whilst walking home, I noticed 3 older guys standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross. As I waited with them, I heard one of them laughing at me, and the guy next to him told him to shut up because "God made him that way". Despite that being the usual, what I heard at that moment crushed my soul and made me question my worth as a Human being because I was the centre of the worst type of attention, like I was a clown at a circus, except people weren't laughing at an act, they were laughing at me!
The bullying had gotten so frequent, and so harsh, that I am now scarred by my childhood. I am in such a anxious state, that I cannot leave the house without dressing a certain way to hide my "shame". Everyone asks why I dress the way I do in both summer and winter, but I simply cannot answer the question in fear of being treated with Kid-glove, something that I despise. I've opened up to a few people before but I was immediately given some ridiculous pep talk that only made things worse.
So far I have missed --
Job opportunities,
College/Uni opportunities,
Family activities,
friends -- Lost a few friends because I couldn't commit to certain plans
General family gatherings - Relatives don't care enough to ask about me, even though they're really close to everyone else around me.
Basic entertainment -- aka Birthdays, swimming, weddings, or sports.
... and many more
All because of the way I dress, and that is because of my injury. I'm truly ashamed to be seen the way I am because of my injury, something that I had no control over. I have a few other health issues, albeit minor, but I feel like a frail bag of meat that simply exists to breath and serve as a laughing stock to others.
In fact, I am so scared of being laughed at, I completely refuse to take photos with anyone simply because I am worried I might be made fun of if someone were to upload the photo on social media. All the bullying about me being ugly caused me to be so self conscious as well.
I feel like such a failure because of the weak, disgusting body that I am living in. I cannot enjoy life like the rest because of my scars and injuries, I cannot do simple activities because I'm ashamed to dress differently in fear of having my issues seen by others. I cannot commit to jobs, unis and colleges because they all expect me to dress a certain way or partake in a certain activity that my anxiety and depression prevents me from doing.
And just recently, I went through some of the craziest stress and depression possible, so much so that it has turned parts of my beard white, despite me being in my early 20s.
I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and shed a few million tears on the way, but all I heard was silence. And to make matters worse for me, many people in my life have had their prayers answered, whether immediately or soon after, and many of them witnessed powerful miracles that changed their perspective on God, despite them being Atheists/Agnostics, and yet there is absolutely nothing for me.
I've Prayed for healing, change of mind, for God to change whatever he doesn't like in my life, and everything else in between. But here I am, still in the same situation as before. Except this time I am more worried than before because I am highly dependant on my family to survive. If I get kicked out or forced to work, I might die because I simply cannot do anything.
Perhaps God doesn't care about me? The same way people on Earth don't care about me?
When I log on social media, all I see are people from my school all going about their lives, getting married, having children, succeeding in whatever it is they're doing, and here I am simply existing and not being able to achieve anything because of what had happened to me.
Same applies to my family, they're all busying about their lives, making plans, going on trips, enjoying their lives and none of them care enough to ask if I'd like to attend because they too are ashamed of me (Yes, I've heard 2 of them say that).
So, what's my purpose in life? What do I do now? I've tried all possible solutions, but none of them were sufficient enough to ease the pain and suffering.
Growing up with this injury was an absolute nightmare because I was verbally bullied all throughout school, up until the point of graduation. I was called an Alien, weird, ugly, and every other name you could think of and the amount of tears I shed over this could've filled up a bath tub. I was absolutely miserable and there was nowhere I could turn. Everywhere I went, I had people looking, children laughing, and absolute heartbreak for my family who had to witness me being picked on.
I remember this one time whilst walking home, I noticed 3 older guys standing at the traffic lights waiting to cross. As I waited with them, I heard one of them laughing at me, and the guy next to him told him to shut up because "God made him that way". Despite that being the usual, what I heard at that moment crushed my soul and made me question my worth as a Human being because I was the centre of the worst type of attention, like I was a clown at a circus, except people weren't laughing at an act, they were laughing at me!
The bullying had gotten so frequent, and so harsh, that I am now scarred by my childhood. I am in such a anxious state, that I cannot leave the house without dressing a certain way to hide my "shame". Everyone asks why I dress the way I do in both summer and winter, but I simply cannot answer the question in fear of being treated with Kid-glove, something that I despise. I've opened up to a few people before but I was immediately given some ridiculous pep talk that only made things worse.
So far I have missed --
Job opportunities,
College/Uni opportunities,
Family activities,
friends -- Lost a few friends because I couldn't commit to certain plans
General family gatherings - Relatives don't care enough to ask about me, even though they're really close to everyone else around me.
Basic entertainment -- aka Birthdays, swimming, weddings, or sports.
... and many more
All because of the way I dress, and that is because of my injury. I'm truly ashamed to be seen the way I am because of my injury, something that I had no control over. I have a few other health issues, albeit minor, but I feel like a frail bag of meat that simply exists to breath and serve as a laughing stock to others.
In fact, I am so scared of being laughed at, I completely refuse to take photos with anyone simply because I am worried I might be made fun of if someone were to upload the photo on social media. All the bullying about me being ugly caused me to be so self conscious as well.
I feel like such a failure because of the weak, disgusting body that I am living in. I cannot enjoy life like the rest because of my scars and injuries, I cannot do simple activities because I'm ashamed to dress differently in fear of having my issues seen by others. I cannot commit to jobs, unis and colleges because they all expect me to dress a certain way or partake in a certain activity that my anxiety and depression prevents me from doing.
And just recently, I went through some of the craziest stress and depression possible, so much so that it has turned parts of my beard white, despite me being in my early 20s.
I prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and shed a few million tears on the way, but all I heard was silence. And to make matters worse for me, many people in my life have had their prayers answered, whether immediately or soon after, and many of them witnessed powerful miracles that changed their perspective on God, despite them being Atheists/Agnostics, and yet there is absolutely nothing for me.
I've Prayed for healing, change of mind, for God to change whatever he doesn't like in my life, and everything else in between. But here I am, still in the same situation as before. Except this time I am more worried than before because I am highly dependant on my family to survive. If I get kicked out or forced to work, I might die because I simply cannot do anything.
Perhaps God doesn't care about me? The same way people on Earth don't care about me?
When I log on social media, all I see are people from my school all going about their lives, getting married, having children, succeeding in whatever it is they're doing, and here I am simply existing and not being able to achieve anything because of what had happened to me.
Same applies to my family, they're all busying about their lives, making plans, going on trips, enjoying their lives and none of them care enough to ask if I'd like to attend because they too are ashamed of me (Yes, I've heard 2 of them say that).
So, what's my purpose in life? What do I do now? I've tried all possible solutions, but none of them were sufficient enough to ease the pain and suffering.
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