Making Marriage Attractive Again?

The Lord has His plans! Thus He made us and has a reason for what He did and does!

One of the things He does is teach us. He is the Teacher. So He made us and He develops us also.

So what of marriages? Not everyone gets married and the Lord talked about their being eunuchs of different types. So if someone is thinking they don't want to get married, fine. Then again, it was also said that what God puts together, let no man tear apart, and that concerning marriages. Also concerning marriages, there was something about God allowing divorce because of our hard hearts.

Considering all that, what are we supposed to do???

The answer is that we are supposed to seek the Lord and listen to what He has to personally say to us!!

Now we don't do that - not like we should. We are rebellious so don't want t listen to Him.

Is 30:9 For this is a rebellious people, false sons, sons who refuse to listen to the instructions of the Lord

So need to try and not be rebellious, and instead seek our Lord and His instructions. Does He tell you to just 'fool around' in relationships with the opposite sex? From my experience His opinions are pretty much exactly like you read in the Bible. He broken into my life when I was going through a divorce. He did not like the fact that I was going trough a divorce. He had made efforts to get into my life before that, but I had just chosen not to pay attention to Him. The divorce gave Him an opportunity for Him to get my attention, but that only meant I should have paid attention to Him early. The divorce cost me and had many effects that I did not want, but at least I learn to seek Him because of my mistakes.

I wanted another person to share my life with, and in time He set it up. He then used that and my current relationship with Him to teach me many things!! Things like the value of telling another person that you love them. I loved my first wife, but I rarely told her. There is great value in speaking the right thing. That doesn't mean that I never have argument with my current wife. But those give me opportunities to learn more about forgiveness, about watching my tongue, about continuing on an developing a relationship. about many faults that I have and need to work on, about how to handle faults in others correctly, and I could go on and on.

So what of someone saying they don't want a relationship because of the problems that they saw other have with those relationships? Are they not missing the fact that they may have something to learn by perusing a relationship.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,"
"So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself."
Ephesians 5:25 & 5:28

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church"
Ephesians 5:22-23

Many problems in marriages are caused by people getting married and refusing to follow these commands. But considering 2nd Timothy 3 describes people in the last days as

"3 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God"

Should we be surprised? These character traits aren't conducive to a good marriage.

Finally, you mentioned observing people at your workplace. That also is contributing to your skewed view of marriage. Here's why:

"Guys: A word of advice. Marry pretty women or ugly ones. Short ones or tall ones. Blondes or brunettes. Just, whatever you do, don’t marry a woman with a career.

Why? Because if many social scientists are to be believed, you run a higher risk of having a rocky marriage. While everyone knows that marriage can be stressful, recent studies have found professional women are more likely to get divorced, more likely to cheat, less likely to have children, and, if they do have kids, they are more likely to be unhappy about it,,,

Many factors contribute to a stable marriage, including the marital status of your spouse’s parents (folks with divorced parents are significantly more likely to get divorced themselves), age at first marriage, race, religious beliefs and socio-economic status. And, of course, many working women are indeed happily and fruitfully married–it’s just that they are less likely to be so than non-working women. And that, statistically speaking, is the rub...

...To be clear, we’re not talking about a high-school dropout minding a cash register. For our purposes, a “career girl” has a university-level (or higher) education, works more than 35 hours a week outside the home and makes more than $30,000 a year.

If a host of studies are to be believed, marrying these women is asking for trouble. If they quit their jobs and stay home with the kids, they will be unhappy (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2003). They will be unhappy if they make more money than you do (Social Forces, 2006). You will be unhappy if they make more money than you do (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2001). You will be more likely to fall ill (American Journal of Sociology). Even your house will be dirtier (Institute for Social Research)."

So you're fishing in the wrong pond.

Finally, with all the nonsense going on currently, you never want to put yourself in a position where you get involved with a woman who (1) works in the same company or (2) goes to the same post-secondary school to help protect yourself from false allegations.

when one gets married in the church before God, we know we're together for life, so we work through things

we've each been in a car accident & hit by another driver, had financial hard times, went through 4 plus long years waiting to adopt a child, etc


we work together and solve problems that can be solved, cope with those that can't, and support each other
we're a team, on each other's side, with God to help us through the rough times

sometimes we're at the bottom of the mountain and sometimes we're at the top
it's definitely worth it to have a loving spouse on the journey

Endeavourer said:

My husband and I are BFFs, as if we are one soul wearing two bodies

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We call it the hive mind.

Messerve said:

Is love really just as vulgar as hormones?

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I dont want to sound too dramatic, but it's a total lie of the enemy to say that Love is "just hormones." It's that kind of godless naturalistic attitude that is making depressing you, and for good reason, because it's a lie.

For one thing, God is Love. God is not just hormones. That would be ridiculous for all sorts of reasons. Our relationship with God and with others (Mark 12:30-31) is the most important part of our walks, and we are so much more than mere animals. We were made in God's image and we were designed to reflect His glory.

Your friends are wrong to pursue sexual escapades and you shouldn't join them. Meaningless sex often does come with consequences be they interpersonal, financial and bodily. Present your body to the Lord, for this is your proper worship. Romans 12:1

Don't rush into find someone, wait on the Lord's timing. There's nothing wrong with actively seeking a partner though. God bless

Messerve said:

I've been single my whole life, though I have had transient crushes on various girls over the years (and vice versa). But nothing has come from any of it - no one made any moves, or the moves weren't recognized - mainly because I was just blind to it.

All my life I've struggled to desire a close relationship with a woman. Just when I think I might be interested in seeking that, I happen to be around a married couple who's yelling at each other or just saying hurtful things or there's just a lot of drama. I loathe that and would rather die than have to live with emotional ups and downs the rest of my life. My childhood was full of that between my grandparents and parents and my friends' parents... So much tension and yelling and hurtful words and I began to hate the very idea of marriage. Now if I just hear one harsh word between spouses, my heart sinks and I'm grateful to be single.

Nowadays, as I work in the secular world I'm surrounded by people my age who have also rejected marriage but have instead opted for "swinging" and sleeping around and even polygamy. They see marriage as a joke, and they treat sex like it's purely an animal instinct as normal as eating food.

So now in addition to hating the drama and hurt that comes with marriage and relationships, I also see it as something dirty and banal - just pheromones making people "love" each other for the sole purpose of having children and preserving the "species".

I know that's not how God sees it. But I'm struggling to see it any other way... Is love really just as vulgar as hormones? For what good reason should I give myself up to a life of hurt and drama?

Suggestions? How can marriage be redeemed as a worthy goal for me?

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Messerve said:

Are you sure though? Doesn't every married couple have times when the yell at each other?

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It seems that you are good at looking for and finding the bad in things and situations. If you seek it, you will find it. Until you change you, you will always see negativity outside of you.

Start trying to look for good marriages.....Start seeking out couples that love each other and whose lives are better together than apart. Start listening for kind words being shared between couples.


Until you are willing to do this, you will always see negativity in marriage......e.g. you will continue to see what you look for and expect to see.......

Messerve said:

I've been single my whole life, though I have had transient crushes on various girls over the years (and vice versa). But nothing has come from any of it - no one made any moves, or the moves weren't recognized - mainly because I was just blind to it.

All my life I've struggled to desire a close relationship with a woman. Just when I think I might be interested in seeking that, I happen to be around a married couple who's yelling at each other or just saying hurtful things or there's just a lot of drama. I loathe that and would rather die than have to live with emotional ups and downs the rest of my life. My childhood was full of that between my grandparents and parents and my friends' parents... So much tension and yelling and hurtful words and I began to hate the very idea of marriage. Now if I just hear one harsh word between spouses, my heart sinks and I'm grateful to be single.

Nowadays, as I work in the secular world I'm surrounded by people my age who have also rejected marriage but have instead opted for "swinging" and sleeping around and even polygamy. They see marriage as a joke, and they treat sex like it's purely an animal instinct as normal as eating food.

So now in addition to hating the drama and hurt that comes with marriage and relationships, I also see it as something dirty and banal - just pheromones making people "love" each other for the sole purpose of having children and preserving the "species".

I know that's not how God sees it. But I'm struggling to see it any other way... Is love really just as vulgar as hormones? For what good reason should I give myself up to a life of hurt and drama?

Suggestions? How can marriage be redeemed as a worthy goal for me?

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Marriage is tough.... real tough. Any relationship is hard but marriage is the closest you will ever get to another human. Even long hard diligent searches for a mate are not going to guarantee a happy marriage.

Let's face it... divorce rates are high... even in churches. Why? Are people less committed? More selfish? Less tolerant? Less forgiving?

Probably all of these... Plus.. people think that it is all calm lakes and sunrises. Roses and tea by a stream.... Wrong. It's life...And.. it gets into ruts.. boring.. repetitive...

Marriage is a team venture through this life.. partners and shoulders to cry on.. a hand to pull you up when your down.

Start looking at your partner to make you happy..... stop.. If your not happy now.... you cannot put that job on someone else.

If you want to find someone to share your life with and share in your happiness... now your on the right track.

I find, these days, people are looking for people to better their lives... instead of someone to share their good times with.. see the difference? Some are sponges sucking up that from others.... while they should be sponges being wrung out and spilling over into someone else.

Messerve said:

For what good reason should I give myself up to a life of hurt and drama?

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Jesus gave himself up to a life of submission, hurt, and drama in order to save and purify a bride for himself.

We should give ourselves up to these things, taking up our crosses, because:

(1) It's how disciples of Jesus are called to live.
(2) Marriage is a living picture of the gospel and our relationship with Christ.
(3) Marriage is one of God's favorite tools to sanctify us and help us to live no longer for ourselves but for him who died and was raised for us.
(4) Marriage is God's design for raising up godly offspring. God calls us to be fruitful and multiply.

Marriage is difficult and it hurts and our sinful nature will want to eschew it for those reasons - whether we are married or not married. The single life is its own gift and has its own blessings and reasons to be pursued. But there are so many good reasons to get married in spite of the fact that marriage is cursed because of sin.

Endeavourer said:

My marriage doesn't. Ever.

My husband and I are BFFs, as if we are one soul wearing two bodies. The joy and fulfillment we experience really is only a short distance from what I'd imagine heaven to be.

Here is the essential building block of my marriage:
The Giver & Taker (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
The Policy of Joint Agreement (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)

Once you mutually realize that YOU are responsible for whether the other person is in love with you, and your own behaviors control your own happiness (i.e. a happy marriage with a spouse who loves you, or a miserable one with a spouse who doesn't), then the sky is the limit.

We've been married for almost 5 years and are still as glowingly in love as the day we first met, when we fell for each other, unreservedly, head over heels, and have never looked back.

There are guidelines you can follow to enjoy this type of a marriage:
The Policy of Undivided Attention (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts (Marriage Builders®,...

We follow these guidelines very carefully and they are part of the ah!mazing foundation to our blissful marriage.

Any marriage can do the same!!

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I sense trouble on the horizon.

Tree of Life said:

I sense trouble on the horizon.

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How so?

Endeavourer said:

How so?

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Is this your first marriage?

Newtheran said:

We call it the hive mind.

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Ah, but I have a career and always have had one. (I just read your earlier post.)

I was a very good wife for a 25 year marriage, married to an abuser (also an unbeliever) who controlled me in fear with his anger outbursts and threats to leave me. I tried to respond in submission, in the spirit of the 1 Peter verse that says wives might save their husbands ...yadayadayada. All it did was enable his abuse to continue without consequences until it affected my health in what seems will be a permanent way. He even bragged to his family that he could treat me however he wanted and I'd never divorce him because of my faith.

My career had nothing to do with my ex-H's maniacal anger. My faith had everything to do with why I stayed in the marriage so long. My career did not affect the way I responded to my xH with a soft answer (which didn't turn away his wrath), or the way I esteemed him better than self, etc etc.

Your post seems to say that career women lose their fruits of the spirit when they have careers! I actually heard a sermon that preached that same message. It's a real shame to rest the blame of marital failures on stereotypes instead of on each situation.

Tree of Life said:

Is this your first marriage?

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No. It's my second. I praise the Lord that I had an opportunity to enjoy sweet marital communion with a believer after I spent 25 years in an abusive marriage. When you live under what doesn't work for so long, you get a pretty good sense of what you need instead of that.

The links I posted put practical and actionable words to the ways I sensed a marriage could be wonderful. My husband and I been living with those methods for almost 5 years. They've helped us navigate some very tender, tricky differences of opinions and desires as we blended families, and also when his pattern of faith was abruptly changed in a way that caused a profound and devastating loss of unity to me with respect to our faith journey together (when we married I thought I'd finally be able to share a faith journey with my husband and best friend!). During our challenges I stuck with those methods. We didn't have any arguments, yelling, disrespect or mean words at each other. I realized I can't force him to sacrifice for me because it would just double the problem down the road. We incrementally solved our distant desires, only taking each next step when we were mutually enthusiastic about it.

Blended marriages present one of the toughest marital environments. Statistically few of them survive, especially when the kids are teenagers. Our combined youngest 5 were all teenagers. We used those methods to stay romantically and deeply in love with each other through the process of the blending. Still today we are very much in love, almost pinching ourselves to make sure it's real.

We also had significantly different styles of spending that we needed to blend. And premarital assets. Definitely a second marriage has many challenges a first marriage doesn't have.

The links I included provide a methodology where each spouse is respected and loved, even as you work through challenging differences of desire.

Endeavourer said:

No. It's my second. I praise the Lord that I had an opportunity to enjoy sweet marital communion with a believer after I spent 25 years in an abusive marriage. When you live under what doesn't work for so long, you get a pretty good sense of what you need instead of that.

The links I posted put practical and actionable words to the ways I sensed a marriage could be wonderful. My husband and I been living with those methods for almost 5 years. They've helped us navigate some very tender, tricky differences of opinions and desires as we blended families, and also when his pattern of faith was abruptly changed in a way that caused a profound and devastating loss of unity to me with respect to our faith journey together (when we married I thought I'd finally be able to share a faith journey with my husband and best friend!). During our challenges I stuck with those methods. We didn't have any arguments, yelling, disrespect or mean words at each other. I realized I can't force him to sacrifice for me because it would just double the problem down the road. We incrementally solved our distant desires, only taking each next step when we were mutually enthusiastic about it.

Blended marriages present one of the toughest marital environments. Statistically few of them survive, especially when the kids are teenagers. Our combined youngest 5 were all teenagers. We used those methods to stay romantically and deeply in love with each other through the process of the blending. Still today we are very much in love, almost pinching ourselves to make sure it's real.

We also had significantly different styles of spending that we needed to blend. And premarital assets. Definitely a second marriage has many challenges a first marriage doesn't have.

The links I included provide a methodology where each spouse is respected and loved, even as you work through challenging differences of desire.

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I mistakenly assumed that you were a newly married person with no kids who had not yet encountered any bumps in the road.

Newtheran said:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,"

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The above is a wonderful verse - but do we take time to think about it?

How did Christ love the church??????

Jesus said He did and said only what the Father told Him --- that's how!

If we seek the Lord we find Him. If we find Him we can ask Him what we need to say to our spouse, and what we need to do for our spouse! Did we think about that?

We like to say, "Jesus is the answer" and "What did Jesus do", but we really don't consider what we are saying, or what the Bible is telling us>

Now I don't do that all the time. In fact, I confess to not only doing and saying what Jesus says to me a majority of the time. However - when I see that I am making mistake with my wife I have learned to turn back to the Lord and ask Him what I now need to do, and the results are fantastic - though very strange! I could give you thousands of examples of you well seek the Lord, listening, and do what He told me has worked for me. It's not a religious thing, it is a practical thing.

Sometimes He has told me to just leave the room and give Him 15 minutes to handle it. So I did and 15 minutes later my wife came in an apologized to me with hugs and kisses. Other times He just tells me something to say. Like once I was driving with my wife when I said something and she got offended. I tried and just made it worse, so I then remember the Lord and asked Him by faith what I should say and heard that little voice of His to tell her "She was like the snow on the mountains." which just seemed silly to me, but I told her that.

She started to wrinkle her face to get mad at what I said, but she didn't know what I was saying. So she had to ask me what I meant. I told her the truth, which was I didn't know what it meant, that I had just asked the Lord and He told me to say that. That caused her to stop, consider, and start to laugh.

So yeah - we need to love our wife like the Lord loved the church, but that means seeking the small voice of God and listening! It's not doing what you think needs to be done with your great wisdom and understanding, not even with your great wisdom and understanding of the bible, unless you finally have understood that the Bible was pointing you to Jesus Christ and to listening to Him like the Father commanded on the mountain.

Messerve said:

I know that's not how God sees it. But I'm struggling to see it any other way... Is love really just as vulgar as hormones? For what good reason should I give myself up to a life of hurt and drama?

Suggestions? How can marriage be redeemed as a worthy goal for me?

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You're right, that is not how God sees the marriage He created it to be. I used to hate marriage to for a lot of the same reasons, also from my own parents. God showed me how He views it and it changed my mind on what I used to think. You have to allow God to wash your mind through His Word because the world will pollute it.
You should ask God if He has someone in mind for you and He will lead you to that person, if it's in His will for your life. First pursue God as He pursued us first. We have to love Him and be content with only Him before anything else.

K2K said:

The above is a wonderful verse - but do we take time to think about it?

How did Christ love the church??????

Jesus said He did and said only what the Father told Him --- that's how!

If we seek the Lord we find Him. If we find Him we can ask Him what we need to say to our spouse, and what we need to do for our spouse! Did we think about that?

We like to say, "Jesus is the answer" and "What did Jesus do", but we really don't consider what we are saying, or what the Bible is telling us>

Now I don't do that all the time. In fact, I confess to not only doing and saying what Jesus says to me a majority of the time. However - when I see that I am making mistake with my wife I have learned to turn back to the Lord and ask Him what I now need to do, and the results are fantastic - though very strange! I could give you thousands of examples of you well seek the Lord, listening, and do what He told me has worked for me. It's not a religious thing, it is a practical thing.

Sometimes He has told me to just leave the room and give Him 15 minutes to handle it. So I did and 15 minutes later my wife came in an apologized to me with hugs and kisses. Other times He just tells me something to say. Like once I was driving with my wife when I said something and she got offended. I tried and just made it worse, so I then remember the Lord and asked Him by faith what I should say and heard that little voice of His to tell her "She was like the snow on the mountains." which just seemed silly to me, but I told her that.

She started to wrinkle her face to get mad at what I said, but she didn't know what I was saying. So she had to ask me what I meant. I told her the truth, which was I didn't know what it meant, that I had just asked the Lord and He told me to say that. That caused her to stop, consider, and start to laugh.

So yeah - we need to love our wife like the Lord loved the church, but that means seeking the small voice of God and listening! It's not doing what you think needs to be done with your great wisdom and understanding, not even with your great wisdom and understanding of the bible, unless you finally have understood that the Bible was pointing you to Jesus Christ and to listening to Him like the Father commanded on the mountain.

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All true...there's also the aspect of self-sacrifice for her well being.

Messerve... being with my girl.. my wife.. like 5 years before and 33y married. Whats sad.. is I never understood LOVE. There is a love that ONLY comes from the Father. A love where ..you never think of self..only the other. But I never gave the future a thought.. just wanted to be with her. Never thought of being married. I didnt like her.. knew her for over a year. But I cant explain it.. one day.. everything I disliked.. I loved. Never wanted kids.. the second that baby came out.. it all changed..

The two leave there parents and become one. When Christ said.. I and the Father are one. We understand that...like me and my wife are one. You look at us and KNOW were not. Yet..when Christ said I am in the Father and the Father in me.. its exactly as He said. If you saw Christ.. you did see the Father. So this marriage.. you really do become one. There is something so spiritual about it. But.. CHRIST has to be the center.. has to be lord of each for this to work.

So.. I don't think of myself what I want.. or need. Love never thinks of self. I truly leave that give it to the Father.. And I will love her as if she treated me like a king. Do everything it takes to make her happen. Something I am always working on. And.. since Christ gave this love.. it does not ever get boring. We in all things have to keep our eyes on HIM... like being lost.. just go back to the start..

Ask Jesus.. your question.. KNOW He hears you.. and HE WILL make marriage attractive Again. Not a hope.. a fact..a truth. He promised you.. what ever you ask the Father.. what ever you ask Him.

Messerve said:

I've been single my whole life, though I have had transient crushes on various girls over the years (and vice versa). But nothing has come from any of it - no one made any moves, or the moves weren't recognized - mainly because I was just blind to it.

All my life I've struggled to desire a close relationship with a woman. Just when I think I might be interested in seeking that, I happen to be around a married couple who's yelling at each other or just saying hurtful things or there's just a lot of drama. I loathe that and would rather die than have to live with emotional ups and downs the rest of my life. My childhood was full of that between my grandparents and parents and my friends' parents... So much tension and yelling and hurtful words and I began to hate the very idea of marriage. Now if I just hear one harsh word between spouses, my heart sinks and I'm grateful to be single.

Nowadays, as I work in the secular world I'm surrounded by people my age who have also rejected marriage but have instead opted for "swinging" and sleeping around and even polygamy. They see marriage as a joke, and they treat sex like it's purely an animal instinct as normal as eating food.

So now in addition to hating the drama and hurt that comes with marriage and relationships, I also see it as something dirty and banal - just pheromones making people "love" each other for the sole purpose of having children and preserving the "species".

I know that's not how God sees it. But I'm struggling to see it any other way... Is love really just as vulgar as hormones? For what good reason should I give myself up to a life of hurt and drama?

Suggestions? How can marriage be redeemed as a worthy goal for me?

Click to expand...

That's been my experience as well. I remember meeting this 'happy couple', and the guy fully admitted that he always made sure to take a job that worked second shift, so that he was rarely home when his wife, that worked first shift, was home.

Two people setting up their lives to avoid each other as much as possible.

Had a pastor whose wife would publicly humiliate him. Pastor's daughter divorced her husband without reason or cause. Had a wife co-worker that would spend the entire day bad mouthing her husband.

Had another wife co-worker, who would sit there and talk about how dumb her husband was. One day she said he was retiring after 40 years at such and such job. I said he must have loved it, to which she said he hated his job. I asked why he worked there so long. "For us of course!" Referring to herself, and her daughter.

I remember just staring at her, and thinking this guy wasted his whole life working for people, that trash talk him every single day. Then she said a month or two later, that he had a heart attack, and will be confined to a hospital for most of the rest of his life.

Where are these 'happy married people' that others claim exist? I'm sure some people here will claim to be, but it's kind of like blessings of G-d.... I'm sure they exist, but I have had nothing but failure in life. Neither have I met any of these supposedly happy couples.

Similarly, I've never had a woman's involvement in my life, that had anything positive as a result.

So I don't know what to tell you, except I understand your position... I'm right there myself.