Biblical and other support for those Hurting badly!

An awesome sermon on Psalms 42

Fight for joy in the hour of discouragement

i suppose i found purpose suffering from a depressive illness, for Jesus to bring good life out of bad life. This gives me much comfort to see The Word go to work within my heart, subtracting bad life and adding good life. His Sword works both ways that is the good part.

For as long as i keep God's love in front of my eyes He makes me over. So much bad life has already disappeared that used to plague me daily. i still fight depressive bouts but come through so much easier than it used to be. So many of my attitudes have changed. God's word is very important fighting depression, especially the psalms. How many times did i catch myself thinking unscriptural thoughts listening to the Scriptures being sung to me? Unbelievable His Word truly is a lamp unto our feet and carries us away from downfalls where we can commune with God instead of darkness.

Faith in God's love brings not only hope but lots of other good life as well. When we see how the Word saves us from our sins then how can we not glory in Him? When what used to be a hard time now becoming okay to handle brings thankfulness alive by the bucket loads.

Sometimes i lay on my bed hardly able to move because depression weighs so heavy upon me during such times. Such times used to be my worst times, but now i can lay there thanking Jesus for His presence and love over me, praying for others hurting their hells. Once the lies i believed kept Him out of sight and i was blind to see Him within me, but now the truth of Scripture revealed Him to me and His love and peace are always with me.

i have learned to admire The Word for His power and might to get things done even if i have been badly overcome by bad life He can get me out with His love. His grace is a powerful weapon in the hands of those who love Him, for with it we can overcome the fiery darts of the evil ones.

So suffering from a depressive illness can shape us spiritually into the kind of people God wants us to be even though we may seem useless in the eyes of the world, Jesus will still make something beautiful out of us. Please be of good courage nice big diamonds are made under lots and lots of pressure out of mere coal

Mentally ill people fear the judgemental tongue a lot, that is because so often judgement comes our way. Our illness stops us from reaching certain stages/goals in life, that others take for granted, and who then talk bad about those people who didn't make it or who did it differently, ('less successful',) than them.

It took me some time into my illness before i understood that my own judgemental mind did me more harm then any one else's. No one judged me so harshly than i did myself. It was a hard lesson. For years i had listened to those gossipers in my heart and mind comparing myself with others and judging myself accordingly. i was always rock bottom in my own analysis of myself, no wonder my depression was so loveless, judgemental eye has no love nor mercy but only wrath by the bucket load.

Sure it was because i knew how much i fell short and because i could see the hurt and frustrations on my loved ones faces, which would always anger me towards myself.

i literally had to repent of that judgemental eye in me and pluck it out time and again before i began to learn to rebuild myself with His love and in His love. Good counselling was needed, and it has made a world of difference.

Still i struggle and quickly get stuck back into myself, especially when others judge me for who i am in Christ. However i'm learning and am doing much better than before.

Like Jesus says; judge not and you shall not be judged - His Words are faithful and true - that is my witness about that.

Peace.

Tempura said:

I shed a tear to that last one, Jeshu. Thank you. And thanks be to God.

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Oh yes thanks be to God! It was God who taught me to understand that He desires mercy not sacrifice.

Self Judgement does bring a lot of misery though doesn't it? Good to know that now but not good being stuck in that. Phew does the fire get hot! The judgement i used upon myself was sure upon myself.

When Jesus convicted me of my judgemental spirit i was rock bottom in my life. Mercy is better than judgement i found out to be true down there first of all. Indeed mercy praises God while judgement dreads Him.

So glad He took you past that fiery dragon as well brother for then you can enter His peace too - time and again.

Blessings

That is what is not understood very often in Christianity. The dragon is a spiritual monster that comes up out of our imagination in conjunction with our guilty conscience. Those deeds where satan got a hold of us. Those goats of our existence. Our life in sin.

Many people do not realise that the Word of God is first and foremost spiritual in its meanings. The Kingdom of Christ is not of this world but of the heart and from there unto the world through our deeds.

Deeds done in the Spirit of Christ are eternal. Each time we heed love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, caring or sharing spirituality in our hearts, we in truly obey Christ. And a little bit of Christ's Spirit grows into our hearts.

Deeds done from the flesh always demand sacrifice, there is a cost, something one must do or not do to be able to get a piece of the land.

The whole of God's Word can be spiritually explained and has spiritual value as God's truth in action. That is why reading the bible, while we observe our hearts to as it goes because of what we read, is of utmost importance. As a matter of fact once The truth of God's word gets into our hearts it starts to cut us up according to deed.

Zechariah saw it as one gigantic scroll flying through our world of being. And indeed that is what God's Word does when you know it and search your hearts motives out with it, it convicts us of our wrongs. It slays us sinners where we die being as we are, and then The Word raises us to newness of life in Jesus and sets us free through Christ's blood to be a child of our Heavenly Father again. (time and again this process happens within us until all the elect have entered in.)

This is the biggest mistake modern Christianity makes it doesn't see a person as many in one, true image of God the Father to be, spiritually. Indeed when i first began to explore myself as many in one it became very confusing.

What i found really helpful was God's Word. David already in Psalms 86 asks God to give him an undivided heart. Sin divides us, so we need to be united of heart before we can truly praise Jesus again. Luckily The Word promises us that The Word will cut our spirit according to our motives and attitudes. A fully trustworthy guide to be.

Please believe me when i say the election of the heart is very real. For in some parts of ourselves we are not invited to enter the wedding feast but washed off before the event.

Those dishonest, envious prideful, arrogant, selfish, hateful, greedy, perverted times we have stuck to our spirit, for example, will never enter the kingdom of Christ as such. The Word of God cut them all of me and continues to do that. i'm so very happy about that for such times in my life used to bring me my guilt, shame, regrets and fears. So much more peace in my heart with out those spiritual forces lording it over my decisions making processes. Unbelievable!

The Word of God makes so much more sense when we begin to read it to our own spirit. It helped me understand prophecies that before were totally out of my comprehension. Also finding the false prophet, the great prostitute, the dragon and the son of lawlessness and the beasts of the sea and the earth all within my own heart and mind powerfully at work to try and stop me from seeing that and trying to make me loose my salvation not looking at the truth of Gods' word doing the exposing within.

i know if you struggle with a mental illness understanding the power of God's word can be essential to survival. For the word of God gives us vision in the darkness and helps us to stay away from inner spiritual forces that hurt us and lead us to life giving spirituality instead. Faith in God's love sure brings hope back to life.

Anxiety has always been a part of my life. Even as a little kid of 3 years old i struggled to believe in Jesus when my fear attacks would grill me. Under the sheets i used to sweat it out. All the time trying to believe that Jesus could help me but not trusting that He could. Hours i lay awake in bed - for i wasn't allowed to come out of bed - so i suffered those early years all by myself.

The anxiety became worse when i realised that our family was not liked in the village i lived in. Anyone doing us a harm was a good person it seemed. i had to run past certain houses and always be on guard for someone to try and bash me up when i was playing outside. My early childhood i lived in often paralysing fears and often times had to run for it.

Not till my late teens did the fear for being bashed pass by. i grew up into a big strong young man. The bullies of the past now wanted to be my friends. Yet anxiety remained. Being an undiagnosed schizophrenic and having been sexually assaulted and almost murdered meant i developed evil voices in my head. Voices who told me to do evil things all the time.

i used to have a whole commentaries running in my head which constantly brought up images that would fire my anxiety. Because of those evil voices i thought myself to be an evildoer who had no chance of getting into heaven. The accuser of the brethren grilled me so. i feared hell a lot at first but in the end i didn't care any longer for i couldn't get out of it any way so i might as well make the most of my life.

However Jesus did arrest me an potential evildoer and stopped me in my tracks and got me into a bible preaching Church where i met my wife Yvonne and got married at the age of 22
However none of this took my anxiety or my evil voices away. Often times anxiety would keep me awake whole nights, it would render me useless for work for i be so nauseated. Panic attacks didn't happen as regularly as before but i still got them. Hiding my fears for wife and children that is what i did, or rather tried to do. i often made a fool of myself because i would speak out of my fears and not out of reality.

Not until i realised that fear always lies about the situation did i begin to get a handle on my panic attacks. One of my greatest fears was being murdered. Twice in my life i have been threatened by that. Once by my assaulters who impressed on my that my life would become worthless if i ever opened my mouth about what they had done to me, and once by a very incompetent man who we had sacked for mismanagement of youth accommodation funds and who then lost an unfair dismissal claim against our decision. (He even tried running me over with his car after i won the case.)

As you can imagine after i got really sick these fears became very real and often grilled me for hours on end, while i would hide in the bush like a weasel. The stupid things i have done because i was driven by my fears and not by a rational mind.

Little by little Jesus began to show me that i believed the lies of my fears and that therefore i would get panic attacks. i began to read the bible each time anxiety would raise its ugly head. Instead of heeding my fears i would recite scripture pieces to myself and let Jesus teach me to stay in His rest an anxious person.

One day my anxious mind was struggling with the murderer and Jesus took me by the hand and so with my hairs standing up in the back of my neck i walked outside to greet my would be killer. It was awesome for of course the murderer wasn't there and my fear proved to be a liar and i proved to be stronger than my anxiety ever after that. i still get anxiety but i don't suffer from panic attacks any longer. His Word, good counselling and medications got rid of my evil voices as well so they don't plaque me any longer either.

Praise The Lord.

Psalms 27
The Lord is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?


When the wicked advance against me
to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.


One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.


Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the Lord.


Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the Lord will receive me.
Teach me your way, Lord;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.


I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

Psalms 34
I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
I will glory in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt his name together.


I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.


Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.


The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.


The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.


The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.


Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
The Lord will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

In my walk with God i learned many things about the spiritual workings of my heart. The more i applied Scripture to my life the more apparent it became that the Gospel talks about first and foremost is a spiritual kingdom and many prophecies in Scripture read really well when we trial it past the heart.

Sometimes Scripture is crystal clear in its spiritual usage of the word. Cut of your hand and pluck out your eye most scholars like to interpret spiritually, and we all agree that the physical application is rather gruesome and certainly don't encourage people doing that but spiritually Christ's truth stands up 100 percent in its application.

At other times we are at a loss what scripture might mean. Like when it talks about scorpion stings and locusts devouring the greener, and horses trampling everything to dust, what is meant physically then (- apart of depression?) Surely Scripture is purely spiritual about those enemies of a fallen sinner?

Each time the accuser rakes up a 'hot' sin in our hearts scorpion stings and locusts precede the horses and desolation follows close behind. Scripture is completely accurate about that. We can see such take place in our fallen reality all the time. When we let our sin bring us down the dumps and we wallow in our guilt and shame and hide behind the bushes out of fear

Revelation 9:1-11
The fifth angel sounded his trumpet, and I saw a star that had fallen from the sky to the earth. The star was given the key to the shaft of the Abyss. When he opened the Abyss, smoke rose from it like the smoke from a gigantic furnace. The sun and sky were darkened by the smoke from the Abyss. And out of the smoke locusts came down on the earth and were given power like that of scorpions of the earth. They were told not to harm the grass of the earth or any plant or tree, but only those people who did not have the seal of God on their foreheads. They were not allowed to kill them but only to torture them for five months. And the agony they suffered was like that of the sting of a scorpion when it strikes. During those days people will seek death but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them.

The locusts looked like horses prepared for battle. On their heads they wore something like crowns of gold, and their faces resembled human faces. Their hair was like women’s hair, and their teeth were like lions’ teeth. They had breastplates like breastplates of iron, and the sound of their wings was like the thundering of many horses and chariots rushing into battle. They had tails with stingers, like scorpions, and in their tails they had power to torment people for five months. They had as king over them the angel of the Abyss, whose name in Hebrew is Abaddon and in Greek is Apollyon (that is, Destroyer).


Can you see brothers and sister how spiritual this is? Here we are in our pits of depression completely desolate and godforsaken as fallen creatures carrying our own sins and eating our own dung. As you can see the king of that desolate place is Apollyon -- the destroyer!

Anyone who has not crowned Jesus as king - even within their own broken lives - experience the bottomless pit without a doubt at some point in their lives. We as depressed people know the place really well. In the end i saw it as the black smith's room forging under enormous heat and heavy force a new me. A me who learned to rely on grace instead of good deeds and God's love instead of a nice feeling within, and letting Christ wash me with His blood, instead of letting the accuser grill me, and instead of dinning on sin to dine on Him.

The whole of Scripture is spiritual. Reading it to yourself, while monitoring your heart, can really open the doors of insight and comprehension. When we read the word are we scared of God? Do we think He is going to destroy us like he did other sinful people? Does reading the bible rake up guilt and shame or makes you go into hiding? Does what you read make you angry because of what people do with it it? Or do you hear longing for God's goodness and blessings? Longing to see Him up close? Longing to find rest from lives burdens? Oh the heart gives it all away each time i read Scripture. It is a mirror, mirror on the wall who is really me at this time of call? We people can be so fickle suffering bi-polar has only amplified that in me.

See for yourself what happens when you read scripture to your own heart.

Zechariah 5
I looked again, and there before me was a flying scroll.

He asked me, “What do you see?”

I answered, “I see a flying scroll, twenty cubits long and ten cubits wide.”

And he said to me, “This is the curse that is going out over the whole land; for according to what it says on one side, every thief will be banished, and according to what it says on the other, everyone who swears falsely will be banished. The Lord Almighty declares, ‘I will send it out, and it will enter the house of the thief and the house of anyone who swears falsely by my name. It will remain in that house and destroy it completely, both its timbers and its stones.’”

Then the angel who was speaking to me came forward and said to me, “Look up and see what is appearing.”

I asked, “What is it?”

He replied, “It is a basket.” And he added, “This is the iniquity of the people throughout the land.”

Then the cover of lead was raised, and there in the basket sat a woman! He said, “This is wickedness,” and he pushed her back into the basket and pushed its lead cover down on it.

Then I looked up—and there before me were two women, with the wind in their wings! They had wings like those of a stork, and they lifted up the basket between heaven and earth.

“Where are they taking the basket?” I asked the angel who was speaking to me.

He replied, “To the country of Babylonia to build a house for it. When the house is ready, the basket will be set there in its place.”


The Word will fly through your world of inner being and destroy the thieves and the liars living there and gather all the unfaithfulness of your heart together and place it in Babylon/This World for its destruction in Revelation 18

Eat the Scroll the bible says - digest its truths and let them set you free.

Mental illness means that spiritually that is where you will be attacked. From within. In your walk with God it will be clearly visible. In spirit of need it plays itself off the clearest to see. Our human desires wage war against desires that come from God. Hence forth we enter the battle maimed when we are mentally ill. For often our desires have gone all weird or have become unattainable and then they set us back, hem us in and overcome us, often at will, and we fall all over the place like a spiritual drunken person. Without the sanity to sort out our desires truly fallen to be.

Like for years my rage was focussed outside of me. After my sexual assault i raged at the whole world my inner misery. Psychosis fuelled the rage. i was prisoner to it even from a very young age. Yet change came! unexpected at 29. A way to calm the rage and subdue it. Good medication did that for many years for me. With the rage out of the way infiltrating my inner world with its chaos i have became an ordered person and put everything neatly in the right place. The rage has gone. My inner world has become much calmer. i sleep better as well.

And although i still struggle almost daily with anxiety the panic attacks have finally gone. i worked hard on that one. Holding onto Christ while in fear and letting His truth be true instead of fear's lies, for that is how it works. i overcame my greatest fear by walking out to face it head on. My hairs were standing straight up in my neck, but i still followed Jesus' truth and came through fine. Ever since that day i have been strong enough to hold panic attacks at bay. Thank God for that!

My message? Please don't be intimidated going to God a broken person. He is fine with that. He will give you a completely different perspective of yourself. Putting everything upside down.

Trusting in God has been my greatest weakness when i was in my pit but became my strongest asset climbing out of it. The truth is God is trustworthy. Learning to love Him instead of dread and fear Him has made all the difference that is for sure.

What to do with repetitive sinning? One thing i, and i know a lot of mentally ill people, struggle with was sins that i could not seem to overcome and which made my depression worse.

It often seemed that God would not help me in my troubles and that i just had to be pure in my own strength and things like that. Guilt, shame, confusion and fear where the four rulers within me.

Then one day i realised something while i was in my mood for sinning and that was that i didn't love God in that self and even often hated Him. This came as a big shock to me at the time but in every sin i couldn't overcome in my life this pattern seemed to be so.

This is why i was going through the sin and repent and repent and sin syndrome all the time i realised.

i began to realise i had to repent to God in my sinful self not just in my sorry for sins self (priestly self)

i then began to realise that in my sinful self i was often unfaithful to love's ways - as a matter of fact love for God wasn't present. Fear but not love.

This deeply sadden me. That in those selves where i did so much sin i didn't love the Lord. He forgave me all my sins and trespasses and i treat Him like that? i just keep going being selfish and unclean in my thoughts and actions? It cut me deep that i would treat my Lord like that.

So i began to repent in my sinful selves wherever The Word convicted me. Often so much more was wrong than just the sin i was stuck with. i began to thank the Lord for His grace and love over me so undeserved. i confessed my sinful desires to Him and pleaded Him to change me into Newness of life. i began to love The Lord with more and more parts of my heart.

The good thing is that love for God doesn't desire wrong. That is what i had been missing all these years love that is why i couldn't stop my sins because i didn't love God enough, i had been scared of Him instead.

So i learned to love God and overcome some really big strongholds in my life. Today repetitive sins are no longer a trouble in my life. Sure i still fall at times, i still sin and fall short of the glory of God, but it is great to be free from compulsive sins, and i wish it to everyone.

So if you are struggling with sin you can't overcome please go to Jesus while you are in the mode of such sin - you want to do it and tell Him all about it. Keep sharing yourself with Christ openly and fearlessly. Christ's love will do the work all you have to do is learn to love Him for doing so. Love Him for his grace instead of eating guilt and shame dine on gracious love. God's gracious love will transform the heart and bring the ability to abstain from sin. So no matter if you fall or stand thank Him for His gracious love and keep doing that. Serve Him with joy because you know He is going to set you free sooner or later.

i'm so happy i learned to understand this within my heart and Jesus has set me free from compulsive sins through His loving grace.

All praise to Jesus

Anxiety and mental illness walk hand in hand. Not being able to trust your own mind makes us insecure and this opens the door to anxiety in a big way. i go through bouts, often times with little or no anxiety for weeks on end and then suddenly anxiety is back again. Usually before my mood goes sour again.

As with depression our anxiety lies to us about our fears. All you ever hear in a anxious mind is speculations about events that lead to more anxiety. Anxious bouts can attack for days on end and interrupt good sleep. Anxiety tests our trust in God in a big way for an anxious mind finds it hard to trust God when the going is hard.

When i go through my anxious bouts i always put scripture music on. i like Sherri Youngward the best because she sings scripture pieces that are very helpful fighting an anxious mind. The truth is for as long as we stay in Scripture's truth our anxiety can't get us and we stay free from panic attacks.

That is the battle to trust God and not our feeling world. It can be done brothers and sisters we can overcome our anxious mind and be set free from it in the loving truth of Jesus Christ.

Yusuphhai said:

When a friend of mine suffered by the demons, Psalms 121 helped him a lot.

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Yes The Word is the best weapon against those fiends. Psalms 121 is an awesome Psalm that brings steadfastness and hope.

i found in my battle with the demons that knowing who you fight helps a lot. Personally i reckon Church talk to little about the wicked - while they attack all of us without mercy!

See i decided that God's Word was perfect in my fight against my enemies. Take the accuser for example. i thought that the accuser was from God because he always used God's truths against me the sinner that i was. Bringing me guilt and shame which i thought i deserved and making me scared of God.

Yet from the Word i learned that the accuser is satan - the dragon - an abomination - that has been raised within me because i fornicated with the great prostitute and helped her killing the chosen by making anti God decisions in my life. The accuser resides in my guilty conscience - my sinful deeds brought him about.

See once you see how unfaithful love acts then it is not hard finding that back in Scripture - it is a spiritual book after all. However once i got to know the great prostitute and her deadly ways i began to resist temptation so much the more. For i have watched in horror when unfaithful love inside of me slew me dead in my faith and tempted me to do wrong - time and again! After which the accuser would come to fire me with my sin and smite me with guilt, shame, fear, hopelessness, and inability to stop doing it wrong. See the catch 22? This is when i was stuck in the sin repent, sin repent syndrome.

However once we know how it goes when we are in the lie ruling, then we also know how it goes in God's truth ruling seeing with His light into our darkness. That is how it was for me.

The word exposed the evil ones one by one and then began to cut them out of me replacing the deadness with real life and solid truths.

i still struggle with the false prophet at times, especially when i'm in my anxious moods. But understanding that speculating with truth doesn't bring truth about is very handy to know. i used to speculate all the time! While now hardly ever do i fall for those traps any more. All the false prophets have been stoned to death in me (lol) i build with God's truth revealed and will not add speculation to my design. Amazing how much clearer my vision of God's Kingdom has become because of it.

The best to get rid of though was the son of lawlessness. This selfish arrogant stuck up part of me where i thought highly about myself while i was steeped in sin. My big I in me. It was awesome to see the rider on his white horse cut him down in me and set me free to learn to be humble and meek.

So yes The Word living within is what we need to fight the wicked successfully.

Peace.

The worst part of my depression was this deep big black hole i was in for so many years. My faith had run cold calling for help but not receiving anything, or so it seemed to me at the time. i was convinced my faith was all lies and God had ordained me to perish in hell. i knew hell was into this direction for my life was hellish.

Looking at my worst time in retrospect i can easy see my depression feeding depression but at the time i didn't understand that. i thought my thoughts were all true - my life was that miserable, sad, lonely, godforsaken, guilt ridden and full of fear and insecurities. i didn't see that my self hate upped my torture a hundredfold or me doubting God's love and even trying out unbelief, deprived me of God's goodness big time. i did not know the power faith in His love would have until after Christ convicted me of my bad life.

He said through His Word and in my heart 'what you sow you shall harvest' showing me how much time i had spend feeling hopeless, sad, lonely, angry, bitter, guilty, shameful, fearful, regretful and agreeing with those feelings even if they did not agree with the truth of God's word. He showed me how i had no faith, no love and no hope because the truth of my reality was full of lies and misery about God, myself and my neighbour. He showed me how to utilise His loving truth to rebuild me anew. Stronger than my depressive illness could bring to bear.

And so i started sowing the good seeds. Times of love, kindness, gentleness, self-control, caring, sharing, supporting and praying to name but a few building blocks of my good life. All the gifts of the Holy Spirit to use - what a delight to see God's word do the work i couldn't do. It has marvelled me time and again.

Anyway

The first year i ate what came up

The second year i ate some of what came up from first years harvest

But the third year the first fruits came through and life started to become plentiful.

In just three and half years Jesus took me from my suicidal depression to someone who could fight his depression and stay on top of it. And from someone who hardly ever read his bible to someone who was devouring it.

Jesus had spoken to my heart through the word and i heard Him and it had brought me instead peace and love from God seeing Him. The truth of God is stronger than depression i realised.

So when the bad thoughts and feelings came i began to fight them with God's truths. It worked brothers and sisters. Each time i believed a truth of Scripture over against the lies of my depression. My inner world lifted a little.

i must admit it took me more than 3 years to learn to use Scripture and to have faith in His truth and to act out of that faith - that is the most important part of it all. The moment we do the loving we get more love.

It was very hard at first. To learn to trust in God against your thoughts and feelings is a difficult thing to do. However when i saw what God's truth was doing inside of me and how my suicidal depression was beginning to fade away then it brought me courage and lots of faith.

At first i had only bad life in my inner reality but soon times of good life started to come around. Sometimes for a few seconds sometimes for a few minutes. i would thank God and ask Him to increase such times and bless them so they would multiply.

Love for God began to grow. Sin i had not been able to stop began to go away as well. Sure i was still often depressed but the difference was enormous for good life comforted me now and helped me get through the bad times.

Now years later i look back in wonder. So much has changed. i have become myself again, i found myself back. i can be depressed but have so much more inner ability to withstand the onslaught. i haven't been suicidal for years. i have developed a deep love and awe for God. His ways are marvellous to my eyes. His Word is His Sword nothing better than to feel it cut and separate bad life from me bring me good life instead.

So even though God did not heal my illness for i'm still mentally ill He still came to my aid. And what seemed like years of meaningless suffering became valuable ad taught me heaps about God's truth in action. God can really turn something bad to our benefit. i love Him for that and keep fighting with the weapons He gave me.

Hallelujah