I feel evil and twisted on the inside.

Invalidusername · Apr 1, 2019

I fell into a series of willful sins after being saved and now I am completely evil on the inside. I feel cold in the heart with no tenderness. I don't care about anything no matter how hard I try to. I don't have a conscience.

I think about killing myself every single day for the last couple of months. I can't take this anymore. I just want judgement day to come quickly and to bear the wrath of God and get it over with and then suffer in the lake of fire forever. I just want to ask God why He created me and why He bothered to save me to only allow me to fall away. I have no goodness inside of me anymore. No remorse, no love, and nothing. I cannot change it but rather not act on my evil thoughts and emotions. I may be possessed. I can't take this anymore.

trophy33 · Apr 1, 2019

You were not saved, probably.

You must be born again and truly saved. You will always struggle with your flesh, but you cannot be both saved (born again) and "evil inside".

Lost4words · Apr 1, 2019

Invalidusername said:
I fell into a series of willful sins after being saved and now I am completely evil on the inside. I feel cold in the heart with no tenderness. I don't care about anything no matter how hard I try to. I don't have a conscience.

I think about killing myself every single day for the last couple of months. I can't take this anymore. I just want judgement day to come quickly and to bear the wrath of God and get it over with and then suffer in the lake of fire forever. I just want to ask God why He created me and why He bothered to save me to only allow me to fall away. I have no goodness inside of me anymore. No remorse, no love, and nothing. I cannot change it but rather not act on my evil thoughts and emotions. I may be possessed. I can't take this anymore.

You are not evil. You clearly love God.

The devil hates us getting closer to God. He will fill our minds with doubts, temptations, fleshly desires etc etc. Replace those thoughts IMMEDIATELY with an image of Jesus on the cross. The love He has for US. The torment He went through for US.

Be strong my friend. Put all your trust in God.

Offer up your suffering to Him. Keep praying. Dont let the devil try to pull you from God.

May God bless and protect you in His loving arms.

NBB · Apr 1, 2019

The devil the very same bible says, is 'the accuser of the brothers' he is going to try sink you in a pool of guilt because of the things you did, but on the contrary Jesus forgives all that.

Kerensa · Apr 1, 2019

Do you have someone you can talk to in person, friend? A minister or Christian counsellor or any kind of mentor at church? It's just that sometimes it helps so much to have someone there one-to-one who knows you and is there to help and encourage you — to show you God's love for you.

You aren't alone and you HAVEN'T truly fallen away, no matter what wrong you've done or how cold and empty you feel inside. Satan has all kinds of amazing tricks to confuse and bewilder us and lead us astray, but guess what? Satan doesn't actually have power to do anything but LIE. Jesus said so (see John 8). And he promised that no-one has the power to pluck his sheep out of his hand or his Father's (John 10).

You know the story of the Prodigal Son, who squandered his inheritance in who knows what foolish and selfish ways — but when he "came to himself" and turned around, expecting he deserved no better than to be a hired servant, his father RAN to meet him with open arms while he was still a long way off. No matter what he'd done, he had never for a moment lost his birthright and his status as his father's son — and he hadn't lost his father's love. You can't either.

Again, though, do find someone you trust to talk to — especially if those suicidal thoughts are hammering at you. Again, they're Satan's lies about you, not what God is telling you. God will show you where to find whatever help you need to find yourself back on track. He hasn't given up on you. He won't. He can't! He loves you far too much for that. You've seen that before and you WILL see it again.

This is one of my favourite Bible promises — it was originally made when the people of Judah were in exile in Babylon, but it came true for them then and it still applies today for all His children, including you:

paul1149 · Apr 1, 2019

Invalidusername said:
I fell into a series of willful sins after being saved and now I am completely evil on the inside. I feel cold in the heart with no tenderness.

so that no advantage would be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his schemes. -2Cor 2:11

Condemnation is the devil's handiwork. God desires that none should perish, and is the father looking for the return of the prodigal son in the parable (lk 15).

[we will assure ourselves] in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things. -1John 3:20

The devil wants to keep you from the word, because he knows your answer is in it. Get back into the Word and let it work on your heart. God's mercy and grace are very large.

1am3laine · Apr 1, 2019

Invalidusername said:
I fell into a series of willful sins after being saved and now I am completely evil on the inside. I feel cold in the heart with no tenderness. I don't care about anything no matter how hard I try to. I don't have a conscience.

I think about killing myself every single day for the last couple of months. I can't take this anymore. I just want judgement day to come quickly and to bear the wrath of God and get it over with and then suffer in the lake of fire forever. I just want to ask God why He created me and why He bothered to save me to only allow me to fall away. I have no goodness inside of me anymore. No remorse, no love, and nothing. I cannot change it but rather not act on my evil thoughts and emotions. I may be possessed. I can't take this anymore.

Do you hear/feel blasphemous thoughts? You need to just pray til that feeling comes off your body.
Long as you have the fight left in you to win you can.

Invalidusername · Apr 1, 2019

It's weird because I have an empty heart and no conscience anymore. There's no pangs of guilt or feelings of remorse. There's just nothing but wickedness...

1am3laine said:
Do you hear/feel blasphemous thoughts? You need to just pray til that feeling comes off your body.
Long as you have the fight left in you to win you can.

I get lots of bad thoughts. Perverse thoughts and sinful desires.

Invalidusername · Apr 1, 2019

Lost4words said:
You are not evil. You clearly love God.

The devil hates us getting closer to God. He will fill our minds with doubts, temptations, fleshly desires etc etc. Replace those thoughts IMMEDIATELY with an image of Jesus on the cross. The love He has for US. The torment He went through for US.

Be strong my friend. Put all your trust in God.

Offer up your suffering to Him. Keep praying. Dont let the devil try to pull you from God.

May God bless and protect you in His loving arms.

I try to exert faith in the cross again but I just don't feel the regeneration that I had once. I was so full of joy and deeply repentant when I found Jesus and now there's just nothing.

Kerensa said:
Do you have someone you can talk to in person, friend? A minister or Christian counsellor or any kind of mentor at church? It's just that sometimes it helps so much to have someone there one-to-one who knows you and is there to help and encourage you — to show you God's love for you.

You aren't alone and you HAVEN'T truly fallen away, no matter what wrong you've done or how cold and empty you feel inside. Satan has all kinds of amazing tricks to confuse and bewilder us and lead us astray, but guess what? Satan doesn't actually have power to do anything but LIE. Jesus said so (see John 8). And he promised that no-one has the power to pluck his sheep out of his hand or his Father's (John 10).

You know the story of the Prodigal Son, who squandered his inheritance in who knows what foolish and selfish ways — but when he "came to himself" and turned around, expecting he deserved no better than to be a hired servant, his father RAN to meet him with open arms while he was still a long way off. No matter what he'd done, he had never for a moment lost his birthright and his status as his father's son — and he hadn't lost his father's love. You can't either.

Again, though, do find someone you trust to talk to — especially if those suicidal thoughts are hammering at you. Again, they're Satan's lies about you, not what God is telling you. God will show you where to find whatever help you need to find yourself back on track. He hasn't given up on you. He won't. He can't! He loves you far too much for that. You've seen that before and you WILL see it again.

This is one of my favourite Bible promises — it was originally made when the people of Judah were in exile in Babylon, but it came true for them then and it still applies today for all His children, including you:

Thank you for your post but I don't think the prodigal son is talking about a born again Christian wandering off. It's about unregenerate people coming to Jesus after a lifetime of sin. I hope you're right though about Jesus not giving up on me.

Lost4words · Apr 1, 2019

God never gives up on anyone.

Remember that the devil likes to confuse us. Plant thoughts into our minds. Make us doubt him and even God. The devil is a liar. He is scared of your love of God.

Concentrate on your faith. Never divert your gaze away from Jesus.

Yes, the devil will win many battles but, he aint going to win the war my friend!

May God bless you

1am3laine · Apr 1, 2019

Invalidusername said:
It's weird because I have an empty heart and no conscience anymore. There's no pangs of guilt or feelings of remorse. There's just nothing but wickedness...

I get lots of bad thoughts. Perverse thoughts and sinful desires.

Read 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV.
Also read Psalms 18 at least 3 times daily it will strengthen you.

Calling some prayer lines also helps like TBN, Daystar etc.

Mountainmanbob · Apr 1, 2019

myst33 said:
you cannot be both saved (born again) and "evil inside".

Well speaking for this born again man we still suffer with some evil thoughts from time to time. I would place that in the category of the flesh. We are still Sinners and evil thoughts can be sinful.

We do our best with the help of Jesus not to give in to the flesh. Fight the good fight and finish the good race that's what we are called to do.

Jesus said we would have many troubles.

M-Bob

Invalidusername · Apr 1, 2019

Mountainmanbob said:
Well speaking for this born again man we still suffer with some evil thoughts from time to time. I would place that in the category of the flesh. We are still Sinners and evil thoughts can be sinful.

We do our best with the help of Jesus not to give in to the flesh. Fight the good fight and finish the good race that's what we are called to do.

Jesus said we would have many troubles.

M-Bob

I'm thinking he's coming from an OSAS perspective.

Kerensa · Apr 1, 2019

Invalidusername said:
Thank you for your post but I don't think the prodigal son is talking about a born again Christian wandering off. It's about unregenerate people coming to Jesus after a lifetime of sin. I hope you're right though about Jesus not giving up on me.

Well, no-one can claim to have "the" definitive interpretation of that parable, really (Jesus himself didn't give one). But it always strikes me that he chose the imagery of a father and his sons. The prodigal was already, and always, a member of that family — not by anything he did to deserve that status, but by birthright. Nothing wrong he did could take that away from him, or change his father's love for him. He was punished for his sins through the suffering that sin inevitably brings on itself. But his father didn't punish him, or even let him get as far as pleading to be taken on as a hired servant. His father's love was unearned, unconditional and unchangeable. It wasn't based on what right or wrong things the son had done, but on him being his father's son, a fact that nothing could change, not even the worst of sins. And there's nothing in the parable to suggest that if the son fell away again, his father's attitude would (or could) change in the slightest. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?..."

Many of us as Christians have been through some kind of "dark night of the soul" time, in one way or another — I certainly have, and I do know how empty and useless it sounds when people keep telling you "it's going to be OK" when you can't feel OK and can't even imagine being able to feel OK ever again. But there IS a way forward for you, even if you can't see it from here — and you're only going to come through this trial stronger than ever. The very fact that you're reaching out to God, to Christ — rather than tossing all that out the window — proves that you haven't lost Him. And He certainly hasn't let go of you.

God bless

Invalidusername · Apr 1, 2019

Kerensa said:
Well, no-one can claim to have "the" definitive interpretation of that parable, really (Jesus himself didn't give one). But it always strikes me that he chose the imagery of a father and his sons. The prodigal was already, and always, a member of that family — not by anything he did to deserve that status, but by birthright. Nothing wrong he did could take that away from him, or change his father's love for him. He was punished for his sins through the suffering that sin inevitably brings on itself. But his father didn't punish him, or even let him get as far as pleading to be taken on as a hired servant. His father's love was unearned, unconditional and unchangeable. It wasn't based on what right or wrong things the son had done, but on him being his father's son, a fact that nothing could change, not even the worst of sins. And there's nothing in the parable to suggest that if the son fell away again, his father's attitude would (or could) change in the slightest. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?..."

Many of us as Christians have been through some kind of "dark night of the soul" time, in one way or another — I certainly have, and I do know how empty and useless it sounds when people keep telling you "it's going to be OK" when you can't feel OK and can't even imagine being able to feel OK ever again. But there IS a way forward for you, even if you can't see it from here — and you're only going to come through this trial stronger than ever. The very fact that you're reaching out to God, to Christ — rather than tossing all that out the window — proves that you haven't lost Him. And He certainly hasn't let go of you.

God bless

The reason why I don't take that to mean a believer falling away and then coming back is because of an obvious infamous passage that would contradict it(Hebrews 6:4-6).

I hope you are right about God not cutting me off the vine. I feel severed though. I certainly did enough to be cut off. So much anger and bitterness for years.

Kenny'sID · Apr 1, 2019

Invalidusername said:
I hope you are right about God not cutting me off the vine. I feel severed though. I certainly did enough to be cut off. So much anger and bitterness for years.

Invalidusername said:
The reason why I don't take that to mean a believer falling away and then coming back is because of an obvious infamous passage that would contradict it(Hebrews 6:4-6).

There are several passages of scripture that contradict what you think that one is saying (and BTW it isn't saying what you think)

I would start with the parable of the prodigal son...God not only will take you back, but is thrilled at your return. Open arms all the way.

The lost sheep.
The lost coin.

And probably some I cannot think of right now. Seems God wanted to make the point very clear. I know just how you feel, and you need to get rid of that feeling ASAP. Just stop what your doing, ask forgiveness, and in as little as a few days, I believe you will feel better. Hang in there a few weeks...much better yet, and so on. Fall a bit in between and take care of that right away so you don't get to this point again.[/QUOTE]

ericastewart · Apr 1, 2019

All you have to do is ask Christ to come into your life and heart confess Jesus is Lord and the sins that is separating you from God mourn and repent and beg God for forgiveness and he will forgive you. Repentance mean your really sorry and you don't have a motive to repeat it and you work on living a clean living life for Christ. You don't have to entertain those thoughts in your head that your evil adn this just respond to them and say May my God rebuke you satan I am a child of God I am forgiven I am free God is my redeemer I will not die I will live again In Jesus name. Even when you feel there is no change keep doing it continously read your bible looking for verses to fight the enemy with so you can respond in scripture to your own thoughts and emotions when he attack you pray without ceasing pray and beg God every day until your deliverance Don't let this be the end of you God didnt bring you this far to leave you . Seek God with all your might until Jesus delivers you don't give up on hope . You are not saved by works but by grace so you might do good works In Jesus name amen believe with your heart that you cannot change because of yourself but the only way to change is through Christ which all is POSSIBLE because those who humble themselves and know their worthless and knows God worth will be exhalted God will renew your joy for your salvatiomn

Kenny'sID · Apr 1, 2019

No one here needs to turn you from the error of your ways because you are clearly well aware of that, however, the following is just a bit more proof, you can come back, and most likely as many times as it takes. Seems God is very forgiving in this area, as long as someone is sincere, and I have no doubt you are.

James 5:19-20 New International Version (NIV)
19 My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, 20 remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.

trophy33 · Apr 2, 2019

Mountainmanbob said:
Well speaking for this born again man we still suffer with some evil thoughts from time to time. I would place that in the category of the flesh. We are still Sinners and evil thoughts can be sinful.

We do our best with the help of Jesus not to give in to the flesh. Fight the good fight and finish the good race that's what we are called to do.

Jesus said we would have many troubles.

M-Bob

I agree with that. I just do not think that being born again is compatible with the OP description (if its a true description).

trophy33 · Apr 2, 2019

Invalidusername said:
It's weird because I have an empty heart and no conscience anymore.

On the other hand, you are here. That indicates that you have at least some pieces of rationality that say to you something is really wrong with what you are.

You can call it "conscience". Therefore there is still hope.

I feel evil and twisted on the inside.

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