Forgiveness

step_by_step · Jan 10, 2019

I'm having a really hard time forgiving someone I thought was a friend. He hurt me greatly and refuses to take responsibility for his actions. My first instinct is to totally go off on him and make him see the error of his ways, but I know to act out like that in anger is wrong.

However, there is a serious problem with the way that this person treats others and I feel like I need to express to him that what he did to me was wrong. How do I do that in a loving way, putting my emotions aside so that I'm not getting back at him for what he did but instead instructing him so he can understand what to do better?

And after that, if he still refuses to acknowledge his part in what happened, how do I forgive him? I struggle with forgiving people who aren't sorry, even though I know I need to.

Thanks

“Paisios” · Jan 10, 2019

In my experience, it seems that forgiveness comes from within and has little bearing on what the other person’s response will be, and forgiveness is healing for the one forgiving, as much as the one forgiven. (As an example, I have long since forgiven the man who killed my mother, even though I do not know if he is contrite or repentant or accepts any responsibility for her death. I could meet him face to face and hold no grudges, wish him no harm, and pray for him, regardless of his feelings or inner state.) I am not sure how one gets to the point of forgiveness (it usually takes me a long time), but I have found that it helps me to remember my own failings and Christ’s love and sacrifice for me, unworthy as I am. Prayer, contemplation and talking with someone I can trust who has some spiritual maturity has helped me along the way.

As for confronting your friend, that is a separate issue than forgiving him, but is important as well. I am not good at conflict, but if I had to approach such a situation, I would describe the behavior I saw was wrong, explain why I felt it was wrong, how it made me feel, and explore his reasons for doing that. I hate it when people come to me and either label me (“you’re a liar” rather than “you lied when you said”) or when they say something like “you always” or “you never”, so I would not do that, but would try to bring up a specific behavioral example of the problem I notice.

(But what do I know? Outside of work and church, I don’t have much occasion to interact with other people...and I skip out of Church right after the service)

Tharseo · Jan 10, 2019

step_by_step said:
And after that, if he still refuses to acknowledge his part in what happened, how do I forgive him?

Why do you want him to acknowledge his part? What will you gain from that?

step_by_step said:
How do I do that in a loving way, putting my emotions aside so that I'm not getting back at him for what he did but instead instructing him so he can understand what to do better?

No, don't do that. Unless you are able to set aside the thinking that you are more righteous than him, there is really no way you could do it.

How many hours did you spend your time with him? And how many hours did you, well, spend time with yourself? (Everyone spend time with oneself 24 hours a day, unless you are crazy.) Why would you then, focus on his one fault, but not focus on your own faults because they harm you more than any other people harmed you?

maintenance man · Jan 10, 2019

step_by_step said:
However, there is a serious problem with the way that this person treats others and I feel like I need to express to him that what he did to me was wrong. How do I do that in a loving way, putting my emotions aside so that I'm not getting back at him for what he did but instead instructing him so he can understand what to do better?

You simply need to get in a safe place with him and tell him how you've been hurt. Let him know that there's something that's been bothering you that he needs to know, share it with him, and let him know it's up to him to decide what he wants to do with the information.

If he takes responsibility for his actions that will be nice. If he gets defensive and wants to argue, just let him know you don't want to argue about it, that you just wanted him to know how you feel - then walk away.

step_by_step said:
And after that, if he still refuses to acknowledge his part in what happened, how do I forgive him?

You have to try to understand why he is the way he is. Most people act bad because something bad happened to them somewhere in their life. He has been hurt at some point and he's still reacting to that pain. Pray that he finds a way to move beyond his pain and is able to respond to people in a loving way.

sunshine100 · Jan 10, 2019

maintenance man said:
You simply need to get in a safe place with him and tell him how you've been hurt. Let him know that there's something that's been bothering you that he needs to know, share it with him, and let him know it's up to him to decide what he wants to do with the information.

If he takes responsibility for his actions that will be nice. If he gets defensive and wants to argue, just let him know you don't want to argue about it, that you just wanted him to know how you feel - then walk away.
I agree

You have to try to understand why he is the way he is. Most people act bad because something bad happened to them somewhere in their life. He has been hurt at some point and he's still reacting to that pain. Pray that he finds a way to move beyond his pain and is able to respond to people in a loving way.

sunshine100 · Jan 10, 2019

step_by_step said:
I'm having a really hard time forgiving someone I thought was a friend. He hurt me greatly and refuses to take responsibility for his actions. My first instinct is to totally go off on him and make him see the error of his ways, but I know to act out like that in anger is wrong.

However, there is a serious problem with the way that this person treats others and I feel like I need to express to him that what he did to me was wrong. How do I do that in a loving way, putting my emotions aside so that I'm not getting back at him for what he did but instead instructing him so he can understand what to do better?

And after that, if he still refuses to acknowledge his part in what happened, how do I forgive him? I struggle with forgiving people who aren't sorry, even though I know I need to.

Thanks

I would also say to be honest with him,and to tell him how you feel about what he did to you,the best thing for you to do is to be honest to him.

paul1149 · Jan 10, 2019

For me the process of forgiving large offenses is largely one of transferring expectations from man to God. Once that is accomplished man cannot hurt you so much. So lots of prayer in that regard is a good basis for whatever action you will take.

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. -Gal 6.1

This says a lot about what is needful. I've been party to too many confrontations where everyone was dragged down rather than healed. I think the best strategy is to place the relationship on the altar, so you are free no matter how the other person responds. Keeping our peace is so important:

But the wisdom from above is, indeed, first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, and without hypocrisy.
And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those making peace. -Jas 3:17-18

My last point pertains to the definition of forgiveness. It is not equivalent to reconciliation or restored trust, which is contingent on repentance. It is possible to forgive and then keep a healthy distance so you're not hurt again.

redleghunter · Jan 10, 2019

step_by_step said:
I'm having a really hard time forgiving someone I thought was a friend. He hurt me greatly and refuses to take responsibility for his actions. My first instinct is to totally go off on him and make him see the error of his ways, but I know to act out like that in anger is wrong.

However, there is a serious problem with the way that this person treats others and I feel like I need to express to him that what he did to me was wrong. How do I do that in a loving way, putting my emotions aside so that I'm not getting back at him for what he did but instead instructing him so he can understand what to do better?

And after that, if he still refuses to acknowledge his part in what happened, how do I forgive him? I struggle with forgiving people who aren't sorry, even though I know I need to.

Thanks

The first step in forgiveness from personal experience is to put yourself in the shoes of the offender. What is driving them to be the way they are? Next is to pray for them and acknowledge to God the beams in your own eyes and ask to soften the heart of the one who offended you.

If the offender is not a Christian then pray God takes the stony heart out and replace it with a heart of flesh. That He brings His salvation to the person.

Jesus said it was easy to love the people who love us but loving those who are enemies or offend us not so much.

God Bless.

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Forgiveness

step_by_step

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“Paisios”

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Tharseo

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maintenance man

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sunshine100

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paul1149

that your faith might rest in the power of God

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redleghunter

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