- Feb 1, 2018
- 34
- 36
- 28
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Recently, I have been praying and reading my bible more to grow in my relationship with God.
However, I have always struggled with surrendering my life to Him. Not as in holding onto sin, but letting go of everything- my hobbies, free time, dreams, etc. I’ve been praying and wanting a new heart that lets go of these things.
Lately I’ve been feeling insane s amount of condemnation. I have generalized anxiety disorder (infrequent but present panic attacks too) and OCD too, and what I’ve been struggling with is being filled with the Spirit. I get thoughts of being controlled and not being able to enjoy anything. I know this is wrong, and the Holy Spirit is good and perfect, yet my heart keeps telling me it is wrong and evil to follow Him but I know that’s wrong.
And when I turn to Jesus I can’t get fully over these feelings, and when I pray to be 100% filled with the Spirit and led by Him I feel hesitant and can’t do it 100% sincerely. I’m trying to trust in His grace to overcome my heart, and to open my eyes to the beauty of Being led fully by the Spirit, but these feelings of condemnation make me afraid. I try to force myself to fully receive Him and surrender over my fears of my willpower but it leads to more fear and condemnation and resentment. I want to love Him more but I am overwhelmed by an evil heart. My will means nothing. All I can do is turn to Him, even when my heart wants to run away and cry out for mercy and love and change.
Just wanted to post my struggles. Right now it’s really bad and I feel like I’ll die from it (anxiety/ fear talking).
However, I have always struggled with surrendering my life to Him. Not as in holding onto sin, but letting go of everything- my hobbies, free time, dreams, etc. I’ve been praying and wanting a new heart that lets go of these things.
Lately I’ve been feeling insane s amount of condemnation. I have generalized anxiety disorder (infrequent but present panic attacks too) and OCD too, and what I’ve been struggling with is being filled with the Spirit. I get thoughts of being controlled and not being able to enjoy anything. I know this is wrong, and the Holy Spirit is good and perfect, yet my heart keeps telling me it is wrong and evil to follow Him but I know that’s wrong.
And when I turn to Jesus I can’t get fully over these feelings, and when I pray to be 100% filled with the Spirit and led by Him I feel hesitant and can’t do it 100% sincerely. I’m trying to trust in His grace to overcome my heart, and to open my eyes to the beauty of Being led fully by the Spirit, but these feelings of condemnation make me afraid. I try to force myself to fully receive Him and surrender over my fears of my willpower but it leads to more fear and condemnation and resentment. I want to love Him more but I am overwhelmed by an evil heart. My will means nothing. All I can do is turn to Him, even when my heart wants to run away and cry out for mercy and love and change.
Just wanted to post my struggles. Right now it’s really bad and I feel like I’ll die from it (anxiety/ fear talking).