How Many Years Does It Take?

JAM2b said:

I have been divorced for 9 years, and living without my ex for 11 due to our pre-divorce separation. Yet, I still struggle with the damage that he did to me while we were married.

My self-esteem took a big hit while we were together. Years of put-downs and discouragement had a tremendous affect on my self-worth and self-image. It doesn't help that my family began this destruction before he and I were ever together.

Everyone from my past who was good for me is no longer in my life, most of them because they passed away. I have isolated myself from all the toxic people I had. Everyone who knows me now are relatively new in my life. I just can't shake the negative impact of all the previous harm done to my psyche.

I have sought counseling, read books, tried medications... the problem is that what has been done to me has reached down into my soul and changed who I am as a person.

When I was young I put a lot of effort into my appearance and how I behaved publically so that people would see me as "good" and beautiful. Then after I married, my ex was so critical and controlling, that I stopped. Exhaustion and depression also played a part in my letting myself go.

I'm not able to make myself look professional for work, dress up for church. I struggle with my weight, with even attempting to lose weight. When I try making myself presentable or working on my health, I hear the voice of my ex telling me all these negative things, laughing at me, and accusing me of trying to impress other. I feel undeserving and ugly, and I expect to be laughed at and criticized.

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Awww dear Heavenly Father, our sister is so sore right now, and it's gone on for ages and it's all so mean and unfair.. Oh Lord, the world is mean to the good ones, the ones who live in a way that puts them to shame. Father God, these words weigh heavy on my heart, and I feel so much of the despair that our sister endures, and all I can do is just bring this before you, to join our hearts in a petition toward you, to ask for your help to mend the harms done to her soul. A once beautiful soul and strong spirit is now shattered and dismayed, and it doesn't need to be that way, Lord, but we know that the very essence of who she was is still within her - yet it is drowned out by the negative mindset that has depressed her positive, joyfulness. Father God, we thank you for having brought her to reach out now, and the reason we thank you is because we know it is your work in her to bring her into that place of recovery. Father, what I see in our sister, is she has chosen to isolate herself from the people who hurt her, and that is a good thing to do, but I also see a fear that she has of her self-esteem, that causes her to even isolate herself from the lovely people that are able to help her grow. Part of this, Lord, is because she has lost confidence in her appearance, and yet it is because of the measure by which she rates appearance that causes this. Father, I just ask that you'll help her see the small adjustments she can make to her lifestyle that will bring about a positive view of character .. to begin seeing people not for the curves and sheen of their body, but for the radiance of the life that abides in them - and by opening her heart to trust in the goodness of people, she will come to recognise that there is a flicker of light in all of us. Help her to learn how to bring forth that light the ones who are around her, that is spoken of in John 1:4, and let her begin to experience life with you as a very real and present companion. Father God, we just submit all of this to you in the name of Jesus Christ who loves us and who laid down His life so that we could be reconciled to you, so that our sister here can have no doubt but only a firm testimony to your healing power, for the way you have turned her life around. Raise her up, Lord, we pray. Amen.

Sister, what you wrote really did move me to prayer, and if I had met you on the street, I would have certainly lent more of an ear to you and probably have prayed other things too. I certainly would not have let you go without sharing a copy of the gospel booklet I print, so here, while I am praying with you, I'd like to share a link to the online copy, so that you can read through it and give Him a chance to minister to you through it. I will keep you in mind too, in case The Lord might lay something on my heart for you. Thanks for coming here today and sharing your struggle with us so that He is able to act according to our prayers.

Adonai Reigns : The Gospel : God did not send his son to condemn the world!

JAM ... my heart goes out to you. No one should have to be put down in the way you were. More and more I see people who treat people the way you did are the real sinners. The pain and deep hurt they create are doing so much harm and I very seldom see the church standing and support believers that need to put space between them and the ones that are causing the hurting.
Really look for the positive affirmations in the Bible about how we are believers, over comers, Christ has chosen us(me), and so many more. We are the light etc. Repeat them in your mind, speak them out loud, affirm that you believer them ... etc Let the power and love and light in those words grow in your soul and spirit till there is no room left for the EXs words. EXs words were death, but Christ's words are life.

JAM2b said:

I have been divorced for 9 years, and living without my ex for 11 due to our pre-divorce separation. Yet, I still struggle with the damage that he did to me while we were married.

My self-esteem took a big hit while we were together. Years of put-downs and discouragement had a tremendous affect on my self-worth and self-image. It doesn't help that my family began this destruction before he and I were ever together.

Everyone from my past who was good for me is no longer in my life, most of them because they passed away. I have isolated myself from all the toxic people I had. Everyone who knows me now are relatively new in my life. I just can't shake the negative impact of all the previous harm done to my psyche.

I have sought counseling, read books, tried medications... the problem is that what has been done to me has reached down into my soul and changed who I am as a person.

When I was young I put a lot of effort into my appearance and how I behaved publically so that people would see me as "good" and beautiful. Then after I married, my ex was so critical and controlling, that I stopped. Exhaustion and depression also played a part in my letting myself go.

I'm not able to make myself look professional for work, dress up for church. I struggle with my weight, with even attempting to lose weight. When I try making myself presentable or working on my health, I hear the voice of my ex telling me all these negative things, laughing at me, and accusing me of trying to impress other. I feel undeserving and ugly, and I expect to be laughed at and criticized.

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I know exactly the feeling you are talking about here. Granted the situations and circumstances are different, but the feeling and outcome are the same. I've been divorced for 8 years and I'm still struggling with it. Just know you're not alone in it. I don't have any advice or recommendations, mainly because I still haven't figured it out. But again, you're not alone in the type of situation you are in; obviously that doesn't make it better at all, but hopefully we can all eventually get to a place of healing at some point. God bless.

JAM2b said:

I have been divorced for 9 years, and living without my ex for 11 due to our pre-divorce separation. Yet, I still struggle with the damage that he did to me while we were married.

My self-esteem took a big hit while we were together. Years of put-downs and discouragement had a tremendous affect on my self-worth and self-image. It doesn't help that my family began this destruction before he and I were ever together.

Everyone from my past who was good for me is no longer in my life, most of them because they passed away. I have isolated myself from all the toxic people I had. Everyone who knows me now are relatively new in my life. I just can't shake the negative impact of all the previous harm done to my psyche.

I have sought counseling, read books, tried medications... the problem is that what has been done to me has reached down into my soul and changed who I am as a person.

When I was young I put a lot of effort into my appearance and how I behaved publically so that people would see me as "good" and beautiful. Then after I married, my ex was so critical and controlling, that I stopped. Exhaustion and depression also played a part in my letting myself go.

I'm not able to make myself look professional for work, dress up for church. I struggle with my weight, with even attempting to lose weight. When I try making myself presentable or working on my health, I hear the voice of my ex telling me all these negative things, laughing at me, and accusing me of trying to impress other. I feel undeserving and ugly, and I expect to be laughed at and criticized.

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Hi, I know you posted this in September. I hope that things have gotten a bit better. I can't offer you a guarantee you mention it's been years. (I'm having a hard time putting this in words). I don't want to give you a so story. I am sure you know how divorced people feel. It's hard on all accounts. I am dealing with it now and still at times resentment builds like a toxic I feel it rising in me. I have exhausted Google with searches on how to forgive or let go or "feel like God is not listening" no matter how I word it or reword it it's always the same answers I get. As I struggle I have gotten enough glimpses of hope and is my life line. It's hard to explain but during these past two years and half if I hadn't turn to search for God. I might have been done something stupid. It's not easy and I'm not saying I'm better look at me now but that the burden and pain is at times lessen because of the father. Mainly the reason I replied to your message, was you personally. I don't know you or your age or your likes dislikes or your lifestyle. But from what I read times your in the same place I am. So here it is something that I feel I need to tell you.

Your not worthless or a waste of space.
Your not alone in the sense that here you find the food that the father can only offer : his love manifested through others. Sometimes reading that other people have gone through what your going or are worse is just human desire to feel relieved like "oh it's just me"
You know the cliche thing where they tell you to move not just stay home or in bed...well that works even a shower helps sometimes.
It's been quite sometime I have not been on the wait as long but it's a fear of what if Lord? If I ask you now what do you want right now what would you answer. Where is your heart at your mind. I don't know how you feel and for me hate resentment boil and fester inside but I have learned and still learning to pray for that person. Even if I didn't mean a word but I envision my word as I prayed. I tell my self to forgive them on daily basis. I try to be honest with my self "you made mistakes too, and even though I feel it was no where near as bad as how I got the worse end of the stick. I still pray to help me forgive. It's time for you to pick up your Matt and walk. Love the person who hurt you, but realized that you don't have to be there or listen. All the hurt they caused you before you even think about it change it say nope and pray for them then there 77x7 that's how many times. As for you remember to be you I have lost my identity but truth be told the old me got me into a life style that I wasn't so proud of. 9year that's how long it has taken you to heal and that's ok. God wants you to take the time to get to know the person you have become now. What did you learn even if all it was was to use a screwdriver. Think on that. And thrive, when darkness of your own thoughts overwhelmed you again pray for that person. And in your prayers pray for your self, to get strength to open your eyes to learn the new lesson you need. You mention over weight use that as a platform to get out the house and join a gym. Don't be discouraged by your limitations. Entertain the idea use things like YouTube such as good work out routines for ages so and so. Look up a new lifestyle change even if your mind is fighting you to fall. Idk if you have children if they are around or what you do for a living. Be detail oriented keep your mind occupied I'm learning to do this my self distract your mind with a movie a book cleaning your house rearrange your furniture change it throw things out. I am sure almost positive you started journals where you have prayers or just vented. Burn your oldest one set all those things free. It's more empowering for you. When you feel at your lowest break down it's ok sob but sob with purpose as your breaking down talk to God and pin point the reason say it out loud as you cry "father I feel alone, I don't think you have any one for me. Where are you Lord I have been broken beyond my own understanding do you not see do you not care" again I think you have done some of these things so keep doing them. There's nothing you can do about the past as much as it hurts I know the feeling it haunt me and I get angry but I say Lord it's done with they did what they did you saw your aware I leave it up to you know help me forgive them help me let it go.

Motivate your self in the sense that what ever small task you did you did it. You mention looking professional. Do it because you have to because there's part of you still fighting to regain your life 9 yrs and you didn't do the unthinkable and endyourlife for whatever reason you still have hope so cling to that I'm sure Thought like that cross your mind but no there's part of you that knows your worth something that someone will see that. Hold on to that in the mean time work on everything you can you ask how many years does it take? It took the Israelites 40yrs. You however have the word of God and a relationship with the father directly. Work on your self build a foundation with God understand what that actually means read Genesis how God made Adam and Eve and companion ship. Read Ephesians because that is instructions for how a marriage should be a marriage after God's own heart that's what we all need that's what I want myself. But learning to be happy with myself is understanding that the happiness I was looking for was through god. I don't know if this will help you but for me there's was an incident where I broke down sobbing crying in my room alone as much as I want to tell you of a miraculous moment it wasn't like that but something did happen as I cried and finally made it to bed...i felt sad alone but the difference was that I had been in that same spot before just that now something in me didn't feel empty. A void I had had now been filled God made his home in me. We take think day by day or minute by minute if need be and believe me when I say minute by minute. Feel free to ask me anything

JAM2b said:

I have been divorced for 9 years, and living without my ex for 11 due to our pre-divorce separation. Yet, I still struggle with the damage that he did to me while we were married.

My self-esteem took a big hit while we were together. Years of put-downs and discouragement had a tremendous affect on my self-worth and self-image. It doesn't help that my family began this destruction before he and I were ever together.

Everyone from my past who was good for me is no longer in my life, most of them because they passed away. I have isolated myself from all the toxic people I had. Everyone who knows me now are relatively new in my life. I just can't shake the negative impact of all the previous harm done to my psyche.

I have sought counseling, read books, tried medications... the problem is that what has been done to me has reached down into my soul and changed who I am as a person.

When I was young I put a lot of effort into my appearance and how I behaved publically so that people would see me as "good" and beautiful. Then after I married, my ex was so critical and controlling, that I stopped. Exhaustion and depression also played a part in my letting myself go.

I'm not able to make myself look professional for work, dress up for church. I struggle with my weight, with even attempting to lose weight. When I try making myself presentable or working on my health, I hear the voice of my ex telling me all these negative things, laughing at me, and accusing me of trying to impress other. I feel undeserving and ugly, and I expect to be laughed at and criticized.

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No one on this earth has the ability to make you happy. Only you have that ability because nobody knows you like you do. When you realize this? Everything else will come easy. All men are to you and every other woman on this planet are sperm donors. That's literally all we were designed to do. Drop off the seed in your womb. Certain components of our humanity cater to the act of procreation such as companionship, love and a sense of friendship because these components play a role in sexual arousal. Do not get these components confused in relation to your own happiness.

Love yourself because nobody else will. Not even your parents can love you the way you can love yourself. Your parents and other next to kin may understand you more than any other human on the earth but still the reality is that you are ultimately your own worse critic or your own best friend/lover. It's when you learn to love yourself that you then see the role people play in your life socially. You no longer put the burden on others to please you, rather, now you have the freedom to simply love them because you know how good your love feels via..

Loving yourself.

What I have found is that I need to get my identity and my self worth from a more reliable source. To the extent my self worth and my identity depend on people who are unsafe or unreliable in that regard I will struggle. The only truly unchangeable source is relying on who God says I am. To a lesser degree I can build relationships with people who are safe. I am attaching an image that I find helpful in beginning to understand who God says I am, but this is only a beginning. There is so much more.