The post is a lot to process in a single chunk, so for now I'll just direct comments to two portions:
Yes, you have Biblical grounds to divorce on the basis of adultery. I provided a more in-depth comment to this above about how it was sexually based betrayal and accordingly would interfere with your marriage bed for the rest of your marriage.
It is a lot to process if your prior convictions believed that actual sexual penetration is required to rise to the level of "adultery". However, Jesus gives your conscience latitude and discretion when he says that looking at a woman to lust after her is already adultery in your heart. Obviously most consciences wouldn't construe this to be one single, simple look and most women would not want to end their marriage over such, but your situation is at the far other extreme side of this comment - exactly the situation most consciences would apply his comment towards.
The Bible does not say Jesus hates divorce. That is a distortion of a comment in Malachi 2 which is used often to perpetrate spiritual abuse. In Malachi 2, God states that he hates the treacherous behavior of husbands that cause a divorce. His hatred is at the behavior not the divorce.
Malachi 2:
14 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet
is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
15 And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.
16 For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for
one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.
NOT TRUE!!!!! Jesus gave several exceptions allowing for divorce. Do not listen to anyone trying to tell you otherwise because they are simply imposing their doctrines of man upon you; giving you a heavy burden to bear that they themselves do not have to bear (living with a spouse who has betrayed them in this way and who has the addiction yours does).
If your church is taking this position with you, leave it. Do not allow them to subject you to spiritual abuse. Do not allow anyone else to be your conscience.
A great web site for support for exactly this situation is cryingoutforjustice.com.
Further, to insist this type of forgiveness and reconciliation is an enormous twist on the Bible's teaching of forgiveness. There is a huge and very harmful error that many churches perpetrate upon victims by telling them that God insists they forgive and reconcile with their abuser. Some churches even say you have to forgive your abuser before he(or she) even asks you to!
This is not Biblical but we've all heard it so many times that we simply accept it to be true. It's not true, and it's not in the Bible! For example, read the story of Joseph and how he tested out his brother's hearts before he considered forgiveness.
That's just the start of a study of many, many instructions in Scripture that contradict the popular heresy that Christians are mandated to forgive and reconcile with their abusers.