Not allowed to have emotions

LovebirdsFlying · Apr 12, 2017

Does anybody besides me find that, because you have a depressive disorder, people assume all of your negative reactions and emotions come from that, and nothing legitimate?

It's like I never have reason to feel even the slightest bit annoyed. If I do, I get shut down, talked over, not allowed to get a word in. Instead of taking the time to listen to why I feel that way, I'm told all the reasons why I shouldn't feel that way, and why I'm wrong. This, of course, makes me want to defend my emotions. All my husband (the primary perpetrator here) sees is that I'm escalating, at which point he will ask me if I need to call my doctor. Because all emotions are crazy, you know.

He's not abusing me. He just doesn't understand. It's difficult to educate him, but once he learns, he learns. When it does sink in that he's hurting me, he will stop. That's the difference between him and an abuser.

So any time I'm starting to show an emotion, he honestly can't see the difference between that and building up to a mental health crisis. He wants to head off the crisis before it gets there, so he shuts me down and won't let me vent--which, if he doesn't stop it, is going to CREATE the crisis he's trying to avoid. Ever see a pressure cooker explode?

381465 · Apr 12, 2017

I bet it's tough for both of you.

We don't have anything diagnosed here, but I'm very flat in affect and my wife is very demonstrable and acts wit a lot of emotion and gesture. Me...you have to check for a pulse to make sure I haven't checked out sometimes.

So 25 years later, I still sometimes can't tell if she's really upset or just being expressive. It's not how I am or anything I was raised in, so I can't read it well.

Example: We were driving to church and all of sudden she gasps and holds her hands up to her mouth. I hit the brakes and I'm looking for another car, deer, meteorite...
She realized she forgot her gloves.

It has actually created arguments because I think I'm being attentive and trying to help and she is just doing her normal drastic thing.

It would irritate me for someone knowing I have a condition to make meds/doctor the first club out of the bag when I'm annoyed.

I know none of this helps, just offering perspective.

Far Side Of the Moon · Apr 12, 2017

Yes ,,yes and yes again. I've held alot in and when I express myself ,mostly here one person accused me of being a narcissist lol.

A friend told me to be careful who you are vulnerable with because some people are mean spirited and want to tear you apart,

Use wise judgement in who you seek comfort from.

Jeshu · Apr 12, 2017

It is a real difficult issue that all depressed people are forced to face in their lives. I think in reality a lot of people are scared of the analytical power of depressed thoughts, for depressed people challenge the paradoxical status quo most people have their existence in, for depressed thoughts a lot of people keep at bay in their own lives, using those insensitive and unfair attitudes we cop as well, usually out of fear for losing their good life. So it is best not to take it too personal I suppose.

Luckily my partner hasn't done this too much, though when I was at my very worst she did as well at times, (perhaps even rightly so,) but my kids did that all the time - especially my sons - for years my opinion was disqualified by default. In the beginning this used to make me angry and bitter which caused me to be more depressed. However when I brought my frustrations to The Lord He taught me to understand that ignorance is blind and how lucky they are not knowing the painful reality that depression is from a personal and a social perspective and how depressingly sick this world around us truly is.

That your husband is the worst culprit must make it much more difficult for you. One of our daughters faces this as well when she cycles in her 'low' mood than such keeps her and her husband apart - while at other times this is no problem at all. It is a real pity when this happens and must be hard to deal with.

It proved to me that depression truly cuts us off from our loved ones, even when they try to understand, like my wife has always done, the reality of depression can only be understood by those who also suffer or have suffered from depression, and even then their response can be hurtful/unhelpful at times because they press the path they had to travel onto you rather than let you find your own way.

In the end I found that no person can truly help or understand us when we are depressed but Jesus. He knows very well how our personal pain goes and always manages to make something good out of our bad times somehow.

It is Him we need to find to help us out time and again.

much love.

LovebirdsFlying · Apr 12, 2017

I find it a true irony sometimes that the person with depression is never allowed to show sadness, the person with anxiety is never allowed to show fear, and the person with a learning disability is never allowed to make a mistake. The slightest sign of any of those, and people rush to the conclusion, "Well, I guess you can't handle this, and you need my intervention dealing with it."

Early in our marriage, my husband sat in on one of my therapy sessions. We'd been having a conflict, and I was upset about it, even more upset by his lack of understanding. During the session, as I was talking about it, I started crying. My husband looked at the therapist like, "See what I mean about how she gets? Here she is, having a freak-out, right in front of you. What should be done about it? Doesn't she need to go to the hospital or something?" The therapist (male, by the way) had to explain to him that I wasn't doing anything over the top. Just because someone is crying doesn't mean they're about to plunge off the deep end and need to be admitted to a psych ward. It's OK to cry. And this information actually surprised my husband.

I'm sure when he sees an eye roll or hears a heavy sigh, he pictures me building up to slamming doors and throwing things (which is highly unlikely to happen, but he has PTSD too) and he wants to nip it before it gets there. So, even that much, I am not allowed. He himself (as my daughter observed this morning) reserves the right to sigh and roll his eyes all he wants when he feels annoyed or exasperated, but when I do, his instant reaction is to talk in terms of "being like that." He'll tell me he "doesn't need this" and to "lose the attitude." Yes, at the slightest *trace* of emotion.

Unless.... (light goes on) I am empathizing with something HE feels annoyed and exasperated by. If my feelings are in agreement with his, he doesn't see anything unusual, and he has no problem with letting me express it freely. If I feel more strongly than he does, then surely I must be overreacting, because only his feelings are correct, and mine are irrational. Right?

We're going to have to work on that.

chaoticfirefly · Apr 13, 2017

I recommend couples counseling, or therapy with both of you in the sessions more often.

Aside from that, yup. When I get legitmately upset, it's brushed off as "it's your bipolar acting up" or "quit acting so crazy". One of my friends does this to me all the time, or did, until I started doing it to him. He quit very quickly.

Far Side Of the Moon · Apr 13, 2017

LovebirdsFlying said:
I find it a true irony sometimes that the person with depression is never allowed to show sadness, the person with anxiety is never allowed to show fear, and the person with a learning disability is never allowed to make a mistake. The slightest sign of any of those, and people rush to the conclusion, "Well, I guess you can't handle this, and you need my intervention dealing with it."

Early in our marriage, my husband sat in on one of my therapy sessions. We'd been having a conflict, and I was upset about it, even more upset by his lack of understanding. During the session, as I was talking about it, I started crying. My husband looked at the therapist like, "See what I mean about how she gets? Here she is, having a freak-out, right in front of you. What should be done about it? Doesn't she need to go to the hospital or something?" The therapist (male, by the way) had to explain to him that I wasn't doing anything over the top. Just because someone is crying doesn't mean they're about to plunge off the deep end and need to be admitted to a psych ward. It's OK to cry. And this information actually surprised my husband.

I'm sure when he sees an eye roll or hears a heavy sigh, he pictures me building up to slamming doors and throwing things (which is highly unlikely to happen, but he has PTSD too) and he wants to nip it before it gets there. So, even that much, I am not allowed. He himself (as my daughter observed this morning) reserves the right to sigh and roll his eyes all he wants when he feels annoyed or exasperated, but when I do, his instant reaction is to talk in terms of "being like that." He'll tell me he "doesn't need this" and to "lose the attitude." Yes, at the slightest *trace* of emotion.

Unless.... (light goes on) I am empathizing with something HE feels annoyed and exasperated by. If my feelings are in agreement with his, he doesn't see anything unusual, and he has no problem with letting me express it freely. If I feel more strongly than he does, then surely I must be overreacting, because only his feelings are correct, and mine are irrational. Right?

We're going to have to work on that.

I totally agree with the first half... If you have anxiety you can't show fear, a disability you can't make a mistake. My friend had depression and because of it her mom wouldn't let her drive.,even though she's an excellent driver.

Imo, normal is so overrated,,,but I wish I was so I can just get people off my back,,uhg.

Far Side Of the Moon · Apr 13, 2017

chaoticfirefly said:
I recommend couples counseling, or therapy with both of you in the sessions more often.

Aside from that, yup. When I get legitmately upset, it's brushed off as "it's your bipolar acting up" or "quit acting so crazy". One of my friends does this to me all the time, or did, until I started doing it to him. He quit very quickly.

Yeah sometimes you have to show them how dumb they're acting.

Press On · Apr 13, 2017

I got treated like this sometimes over the years by my wife. We have a good marriage....almost 33 years now.......but not until she started having serious depressive episodes in mid life did she finally "get it". The light bulb came on quite brightly.

She will sometimes text me from work: "I'm having a bad day....depressed and anxious....pray for me". And of course I do. She has the benefit of having someone who knows exactly what she's experiencing. I didn't have that.

I do sympathize with you, Lovebirds. Your husband is a good man, but could stand to walk a mile in your shoes. :hug:

LovebirdsFlying · Apr 13, 2017

I haven't actually been hospitalized in several years now, and I've been off medication for a good three or four. This is under medical supervision. I didn't go off meds. My *doctor* discontinued them. I still go to therapy, but not to a psychiatrist, and the only medication I take now is for diabetes.

Psychiatric opinion is that the depression and anxiety I have is part of PTSD from childhood abuse. As the psychiatrist said when she discontinued my meds, "I don't think it's about you being sick and needing pills. You're dealing with genuinely stressful events." My reactions to the situations, she said, were normal.

TRIGGER WARNING: CHILD ABUSE. You might want to skip this paragraph if you're easily disturbed. There was a time in my life when that parental standby, "I'll give you something to cry about" was played just a little too often. Major shakeups and trauma would happen--alcoholism and drug addiction, multiple divorces and remarriages, domestic violence from step-fathers and live-in partners that didn't make it to the altar, molestation by one of those step-fathers, moving all over the country, dozens of school changes, not being able to keep friends once I did make them--and still, none of that was anything to cry about. It was easier to deny what was going on and threaten the children into silence than to acknowledge it and make changes toward a more stable, sane, productive lifestyle.

So, essentially, I grew up as a Stepford Smiler. Then for a good chunk of my adult years, no matter what happened (including the death of one of my children) I was flat out unable to cry. Not that I was holding it back because I was too embarrassed. It wouldn't happen. I felt every bit of the pain, but nothing sprang up that even needed to be held back. And I just can't go back to those days. I know how unhealthy it is to be so squelched.

But now, here I am, having my every sigh and eye roll rebuked. My daughter offers the advice, "Express your feelings whether he approves or not. What does it matter how he reacts, or what he says about it?" But we both know it's easier said than done. I can't talk about how I feel if he's just going to interrupt, cut me off, and talk over me about how I shouldn't feel that way. And my daughter and I both agree that continuing to talk anyway even after he's cut me off wouldn't help. For one thing, he's got a louder voice than I do. For another, if I tried that, he'd be the first to say, "Let me finish. Let me finish. Let me finish!" And I still couldn't get a word in edgewise. He thinks he's preventing an escalation, but he's going to doggone create one if he keeps doing that.

Yes, some kind of couples counseling may be the only way to work that out.

Far Side Of the Moon · Apr 13, 2017

LovebirdsFlying said:
I haven't actually been hospitalized in several years now, and I've been off medication for a good three or four. This is under medical supervision. I didn't go off meds. My *doctor* discontinued them. I still go to therapy, but not to a psychiatrist, and the only medication I take now is for diabetes.

Psychiatric opinion is that the depression and anxiety I have is part of PTSD from childhood abuse. As the psychiatrist said when she discontinued my meds, "I don't think it's about you being sick and needing pills. You're dealing with genuinely stressful events." My reactions to the situations, she said, were normal.

TRIGGER WARNING: CHILD ABUSE. You might want to skip this paragraph if you're easily disturbed. There was a time in my life when that parental standby, "I'll give you something to cry about" was played just a little too often. Major shakeups and trauma would happen--alcoholism and drug addiction, multiple divorces and remarriages, domestic violence from step-fathers and live-in partners that didn't make it to the altar, molestation by one of those step-fathers, moving all over the country, dozens of school changes, not being able to keep friends once I did make them--and still, none of that was anything to cry about. It was easier to deny what was going on and threaten the children into silence than to acknowledge it and make changes toward a more stable, sane, productive lifestyle.

So, essentially, I grew up as a Stepford Smiler. Then for a good chunk of my adult years, no matter what happened (including the death of one of my children) I was flat out unable to cry. Not that I was holding it back because I was too embarrassed. It wouldn't happen. I felt every bit of the pain, but nothing sprang up that even needed to be held back. And I just can't go back to those days. I know how unhealthy it is to be so squelched.

But now, here I am, having my every sigh and eye roll rebuked. My daughter offers the advice, "Express your feelings whether he approves or not. What does it matter how he reacts, or what he says about it?" But we both know it's easier said than done. I can't talk about how I feel if he's just going to interrupt, cut me off, and talk over me about how I shouldn't feel that way. And my daughter and I both agree that continuing to talk anyway even after he's cut me off wouldn't help. For one thing, he's got a louder voice than I do. For another, if I tried that, he'd be the first to say, "Let me finish. Let me finish. Let me finish!" And I still couldn't get a word in edgewise. He thinks he's preventing an escalation, but he's going to doggone create one if he keeps doing that.

Yes, some kind of couples counseling may be the only way to work that out.

I'm so sorry you endured such abuse, that's insane. I'm glad God held you together throughout it all.

alsughasoughaiuyfygh · Apr 13, 2017

chaoticfirefly · Apr 14, 2017

LovebirdsFlying said:
But now, here I am, having my every sigh and eye roll rebuked. My daughter offers the advice, "Express your feelings whether he approves or not. What does it matter how he reacts, or what he says about it?" But we both know it's easier said than done. I can't talk about how I feel if he's just going to interrupt, cut me off, and talk over me about how I shouldn't feel that way. And my daughter and I both agree that continuing to talk anyway even after he's cut me off wouldn't help. For one thing, he's got a louder voice than I do. For another, if I tried that, he'd be the first to say, "Let me finish. Let me finish. Let me finish!" And I still couldn't get a word in edgewise. He thinks he's preventing an escalation, but he's going to doggone create one if he keeps doing that.

Yes, some kind of couples counseling may be the only way to work that out.

This isn't best or most mature way to dealing with this: but do the same. Roll your eyes, sigh, interrupt him. Say, "Let me finish! Let me finish!" as he starts talking. People tend to get the picture that way, I've had to do stuff like that a few times so people would stop treating me like crap and interrupting me.

Otherwise it's time to make an appointment for couples counseling, because the counselor will let you talk and be a third party. Maybe your current therapist would be willing to counsel both of you.

Jeshu · Apr 14, 2017

The problem is that your husband needs to understand that rightly or wrongly we feel what we feel and so expressing our feelings is not wrong in itself ever as such. However if they know a better way to deal with our emotions than we are doing then such is good, not bad, not need to rail road us with that.

I reckon people who stop other people from being themselves have major psychological hang ups themselves - doing within themselves against themselves what they do to you - and are therefore not truly themselves doing that but bad life ruling is creating their reality. It is about making them aware how horrible it is to treat another person like that sick or not sick and that there are far better ways to do deal with people than cutting them off or belittling or denying them their feelings.

It could also be that in the past the trauma your husband suffered with you still very ill is now still triggering him to act as he does, because such times haven't been resolved/dealt between the two of you. My wife and me also had to deal with a lot of this in our relationship. Especially my anger. For for years I raged when psychotic also at her when I was at my worst. My wife naturally responded in cutting me off angrily each time I got angry and taking off. Precisely as she had done when I was psychotic. The problem was that we could never deal with anything I felt angry about - ever - no matter how justified my anger was. The moment she would notice a rise in my voice she would balk, attack angrily verbally and run. It took us years to sort out this behaviour between us so that I could finally express my anger without her cutting me off and taking off on me and we could sort out whatever needs to be sorted out between us even if I did feel angry or aggravated.

counseling for both of you could be very advantageous at this point in time I reckon.

Lucas Sleasman · May 31, 2017

LovebirdsFlying said:
Does anybody besides me find that, because you have a depressive disorder, people assume all of your negative reactions and emotions come from that, and nothing legitimate?

It's like I never have reason to feel even the slightest bit annoyed. If I do, I get shut down, talked over, not allowed to get a word in. Instead of taking the time to listen to why I feel that way, I'm told all the reasons why I shouldn't feel that way, and why I'm wrong. This, of course, makes me want to defend my emotions. All my husband (the primary perpetrator here) sees is that I'm escalating, at which point he will ask me if I need to call my doctor. Because all emotions are crazy, you know.

He's not abusing me. He just doesn't understand. It's difficult to educate him, but once he learns, he learns. When it does sink in that he's hurting me, he will stop. That's the difference between him and an abuser.

So any time I'm starting to show an emotion, he honestly can't see the difference between that and building up to a mental health crisis. He wants to head off the crisis before it gets there, so he shuts me down and won't let me vent--which, if he doesn't stop it, is going to CREATE the crisis he's trying to avoid. Ever see a pressure cooker explode?

Well I'm no expert in this field but I would like to send you hugs. Hopefully I'm not out of line here to assume that you are already saved and have a church of your own. If not it would be okay to tell me so. If you do have a church, have you checked with Pastor about marital counseling?

The bible is a day to day guide on how to live your life. Please trust that the bible was written in a way that all of life's most important problems can be answered through reading the bible. Turning to your religious leader will give you the best counseling you can receive. Just make sure it is someone you can trust, and they will guide you in the right direction.

Be well my friend. I will pray for you and your husband.

Not allowed to have emotions

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