Sorry, this is long.
First, I know that "trigger warning" gets thrown around a lot on the internet, but I don't use the term loosely. Some of my post is going to cover the topic of child abuse, and while I'm not going to go into details, I'm not going to sugar coat it, either, so please protect yourself and move on if this is a triggering topic for you. It's a triggering topic for me, as well, so on that note, please be kind. I'm putting myself and the worst of my sins out here, and I would be lying if I said it doesn't make me pretty nervous.
Second, the question weighing on my mind is a potentially controversial topic, so I request that people please be respectful to each other and not flame each other if you disagree, but please just let me know your perceptions based on understanding of scripture.
Third, I have asked my new pastor about this in an email, though I did not go into detail at all, I just asked him how the Bible defines marriage, basically, but I also asked him for some clarity on a long list of other scripture things (he had offered this help), and chances are that he is a very busy person, given that he is a pastor, and I also mentioned that I understand that and that it's okay if I don't hear from him for several weeks, since it's not an emergency. So I might not hear from him on this or other matters for several weeks, but this particular issue is weighing on me heavily, anyway.
So all of that said,
Straight to the point I was sexually abused as a very young child, to the point that it left me with scarring and also gave me physiological disorders. I actually don't even remember any of it, but only found out when I was an older teenager and thought I was a virgin, and had my first exam, and that is when the scarring was found, I had incoherent flashback problems, and wound up diagnosed with severe vaginismus and PTSD later on.
Now making matters even worse, is that throughout my late teens through my mid-twenties, I had all sorts of psychological issues, let alone the spiritual issues. Substance abuse, self-harm and so on. But also I had issues with men. I had a relationship that lasted a year, and we never had sex (I was unable due to the vaginismus). I had another relationship that lasted 3 years, and we had sex once, but we were never able to again, on account of my problems with the disorder and also he was never able to be affectionate or patient enough to make it work. I still very much so loved this man and thought we would marry someday, but understandably he got frustrated with me, became even colder and distant and eventually he got together with my coworker, and that was the end of that. I stayed single for years after that, but then while I was homeless for a short while, I basically allowed a man to have sex with me in exchange for his help with surviving on the streets. It felt like rape but if I'm honest with myself and anyone else, I could have stabbed him and run away, but I didn't, because I didn't want to die alone on the streets. I spiraled even more after that, and did sexual things with two other men while I was a complete wreck and just very lonely and wanting to be able to experience sex as enjoyable instead of as a painful or desperate thing. That was a couple of years ago.
So then only months ago, I received a calling by the Holy Spirit and am becoming a disciple of Christ. I am to be baptized soon at a church I have joined, and it has and continues to be a truly amazing and wonderful thing for me to dedicate my life to Christ and to actually feel the Holy Spirit, like there is faith, and then there is also experiencing it, so both together.
But one of the many topics I was reading about in the Bible, was the topic of marriage. So first it seems that many perceive that the Bible defines marriage as sex, due to the becoming one flesh part, which if I'm completely honest makes me about throw up thinking that I was Biblically married to a very sick person when I was a little kid and then can't even remember it.
Then there is all this history of fornication in my late teens to mid-twenties where I was basically going around like a tripped out Borderline Personality Disorder woman and doing all manner of self-destructive and sinful things.
So in God's eyes, have I basically been "married" multiple times, and have committed adultery (in addition to fornication) multiple times?
The reason I need to know is because now that I have been called by the Holy Spirit and am about be baptized and dedicate my life to being a disciple of Christ, the situation is different somewhat in regards to sin. Like now sinning would be even worse if I am doing it willfully and disobeying Jesus/God despite having been called by the Holy Spirit. So now it seems there is a bigger responsibility than ever before to make sure I know what is sin and what is not, and to make sure I am not willfully sinning or being willfully ignorant about sin.
So that is why this is important. Because the Bible does say pretty explicitly in several areas, including Jesus' words, Himself, that God/Jesus are extremely against divorce, and that if you get divorced and then marry someone else, that is adultery.
So does that make sense? My concern, I mean. If I have been married in God's eyes, then it would mean I should stay single for the rest of my life, because otherwise I would be knowingly committing adultery, which would be to knowingly commit a huge sin while being a disciple of Christ, and so obviously I shouldn't let that happen.
I do believe in Jesus' words that I will be forgiven for all of these past sins, but again that doesn't mean that I should just keep willfully sinning going forward.
Now even if it were okay for me to legally marry, I don't think I should be with someone who has been a Christian their whole life, they deserve better and I'm kind of a train wreck that was patched back together to be healthy and healed only in recent years. But what should happen if say I am gaining fellowship with other Christians over the future years, and I meet a Christian man who has the same sort of past as me, as far as having a bunch of sinful blunders, including fornication, but now we are both saved Christians, even if we were late bloomers, and say we developed feelings for each other. Would we need to both just ignore it and stay single? Lest we would both be committing adultery?
Is it at least true that I haven't been "married" in God's eyes since I was a kid, and that only the sins I committed as an adult would count? So that in God's eyes I was married to the guy I was with for a few years? (Not that I intend to track this guy down to proclaim us married or anything, he is long gone and might even be legally married now, I don't know, but just as far as my own understanding of where I'm at in God's eyes.)
Please give it to me straight, your perceptions of scripture, (but please don't flame each other). I am okay with the outcome regardless. I just want to do what God wants me to do, and so it's going to be very confusing if I meet a Christian man in the future and it seems like God is bringing us together, if I don't first know God's stance on whether I should remain single or not. Knowing God's stance first will help me in the future to discern the difference between God's plans for me, and just plain old temptation.
Thanks to anyone who read through all of that and has any insight to offer.
