I'm a very conflicted and tormented man.

Unmedicated · Dec 20, 2015

I have many questions and burdens and I really need to reach out to someone. I don't go to church for personal reasons I'll discuss in my post. I'll do my best to provide as many details as I can as to why I feel this way and hopefully find some answers.

I guess I'll start with my current state before I get into specifics - some background: I feel no peace. I feel utterly empty and hopeless. I've addicted to Ativan and I've been on and off different types of Benzos and anti-depressants, I just don't have peace and it's a horrible feeling to want to die, but be too afraid of death. You're stuck in limbo. Every single day I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate who I am. I live in a constant state of paranoia and fear, sometimes I don't even like leaving the house. It makes it impossible to hold a job.

I was a very devoted Christian when I was a little boy. I was raised by my grandparents in a Baptist home. I was baptized when I was in 5th grade and accepted Christ as my savior in church officially at this time. I felt very warm and extreme happiness. I remember that feeling, even though I haven't felt it in a long time. I wanted to go to church every time the doors were open, I read my bible - but I was always afraid. I came across passages of Hell and damnation and then finally the unforgivable sin of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. I can't tell you how many times I cried in absolute terror and fear. It drove my grandparents crazy. I was never able to relax. I was a kid, so maybe I didn't understand or I wasn't ready for what I read. I don't know what the reason was. It seems like I was in constant war inside my head - constantly telling myself things and talking to myself. Not in a schizophrenic kind of way, but just talking to myself. For example, I would read a passage about blasphemy and how it's not forgiven and then I would freak out and repeatedly repeat to myself I haven't done it, or I would have "bad thoughts" and think that I did it. Then I would go into hysterics. It's hard to describe but I'm trying. I was only a kid.

As my teenage years came, I became more angry - anti-social outcast from school and bullied. I didn't have the best relationship with my parents. My mother abandoned me when I was little and my father didn't really raise me or have much to do with me growing up outside of criticisms.

I turned to music and felt at peace. I abandoned Christ when I was a teenager and the strangest thing is, I wont lie, I felt like a prisoner that had been released from chains. I lived as an Atheist and I was extremely angry against God. I blasphemed him, burned my old bible... anything horrible you can say about God, I probably said it. I don't say that with pride, but I say it because it is a fact. When I was 17, I almost died from alcohol poisoning. The impending dread I felt and the realization when I thought I was dying made me come back to God... but I didn't feel the same peace I did. It felt empty.

I tried to go back to church to seek help, but it was different. I was basically told I was going to Hell, which obviously led to extreme hysteria and depression. I felt like there was no escape - there was no salvation. I was dead already. I wanted to die but didn't want to kill myself because I knew it would just speed up what already awaited me. I really was wrong for what I did and I'm so sorry and I hate it happened... but now that it has happened, I don't know what to do. I can't change the past, as much as I pray and wish I could.

Well, I'm now a man of 26 and I can't live like this anymore. I struggle daily with life and I'm honestly not happy at all. I can't sleep, I can't focus or function. I just feel dead inside. So I had some questions and I hope you can answer them or at least give me peace.

How can the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit not be forgiven? I thought Christ's sacrifice on the cross was sufficient enough that his blood covered all sins when you became a Christian... why can't He forgive this if you are truly repentant? I've had people tell me that this since is just the rejection and hardening of your heart against Christ, but if that is so, why does the passage in Luke say "speaketh" it gives a specific definition... and if this is true, then that means the sacrifice is void for me because you can commit this sin. Why would Jesus even go to the cross if every sin couldn't be forgiven... Why would he create man, knowing the fall would take place. Why would there even be a Hell, a place of excruciating torment and pain... why not just die into nothingness if they are not children of God?

I mean no disrespect to God, please believe me... but why would God, if He is all knowing, create someone that He already knows is damned to Hell? Why would He even allow me to be born if He knew I was going to Hell when I died? I don't feel a God of love in my heart at the moment, but I feel like a condemned prisoner about to go before a judge that already knows the sentence that will be carried out... It's the most bleak and hopeless feeling imaginable. I felt like my time as a Christian is absolute torment inside - a conflict I can't win.

I cry as I type because I really do want peace and forgiveness from God, but I don't feel it. I feel empty and conflicted with this problem that no one can seem to help me. I decided to turn to this forum for guidance... I need help bad. Desperately. I want God's forgiveness. I don't want to die and go to Hell. What can I do?

Please explain this sin to me and why it says "speaketh" if it's just constant rejection against the will of the Holy Spirit. And if so, why isn't Christ's sacrifice sufficient enough to cover this sin... Please answer my questions and give me peace. I know I'm asking a lot but I need guidance and help from a man who studies the Bible - a man of God.

You have no idea how tormented I am. Please help me.

Thank you.

Goodbook · Dec 20, 2015

hold on..well, ok I'm not a 'man of God' as I'm female.

You are saved by Jesus if you believe him and you just wrote that you did. You just need to be closer to him that's all. The people that told you were going to hell are wrong. It sounds like you sorry for what you did, I would just buy another Bible to replace the one you burned..there's always more copies available its not like you burnt the only surviving scripture in the entire world.

Gentle Lamb · Dec 20, 2015

God did NOT create Hell for human beings!!!! Had satan, that sneaky evil snake, never sought to place himself above the throne of God, had satan never misled a portion of the angels in heaven to transgress their duties towards God, then Hell would NOT exist. God did NOT create anything to go to damnation. Satan CHOSE damnation for himself, the angels who followed him CHOSE damnation for themselves.

We humans were created to be with God, we were created for His glory, and we are made in His image and likeness. See how in Genesis the nasty evil snake deceives Eve and Eve unfortunately brings the fruit to Adam too? Satan has earned his eternal place in hell because he led humanity astray. But God never abandoned His creation and never will. He has not abandoned you either. Maybe the reason why you felt like you broke out of chains when you became an atheist is because you shed the chains of RELIGION. Jesus > Religion. Jesus condemned the Pharisees, time and time again. They were RELIGIOUS men, people who were very concerned with what they were doing/showing people what they were doing. But they did not have an ounce of love in their hearts! They were twisted, sick, perverse men, so when Jesus was condemning them, it was because he knew they were truly the children of satan, the children of hell, people who LOVE to do evil.

That is not you. You are a child of God. I've been in a very similar place as you and the Lord set me free last year when I cried out to Him and let me tell you, my life has not been the same since. I too grew up with the Christian religion, but knowing God as a child and growing up in a religious home is different than having a personal relationship with God your whole life. When you have a relationship with someone, you speak to them. When you are angry with them you tell them why and how they have hurt you. When you do not understand their actions, you ask them to explain. When you love them, you tell them, when they make you happy, you tell them, so on and so forth. But always, it's about communication. So communicate with God. Talk to Him starting now, just talk as if He were right there in the room with you because He is Deut. 4:7. He has loved you since before you were even conceived, and He has never abandoned you, I promise you that. There comes a point where the place we are is so terrible that the only thing we can do is cry out to God, and I think that is where you are. I urge you to speak to Him, I urge you to ask Him to help because I promise you, the Lord God of Heaven & Earth is a personal God, and He will come to help you when you call on Him. Just talk to Him and keep doing it, write in a notebook to Him, but just open that pathway of communication. That is the first step, and He will show you what comes next. I hope this helps you, God bless you brother.

Gentle Lamb · Dec 20, 2015

Also, about the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, I think that is talking about what the anti-Christ will do, the anti-Christ (and his followers I think) will blaspheme the Holy Spirit because they are the children of satan and want to usurp the throne of God.

paul1149 · Dec 20, 2015

Unmed,

The Lord is FAR more gracious than you think. I've seen it time and again, where a person is on fire for God at a young age, but then reality hits and they fall away. Then they find out there's no life outside of God, but at that point they believe they've gone too far to come back. I can tell you from experience that it is NEVER too late to come back.

No matter what you've said against God, you can be forgiven. The unforgivable sin won't be forgiven because it will never be repented. To commit that sin, your heart must be absolutely, totally and willfully hardened, and only God is the judge of that. It's not a sin of word, even including the worst blasphemy, as the text makes clear, it's a sin of spirit, and it is judged in the spirit, not according to appearance. Quite clearly you have repented of whatever you did. And if that is correct, in the precious Name I can tell you your sin is forgiven.

And remember, "justified" means "just as if I'd" never sinned.

I believe your torment comes from not understanding the astonishing love of God in Christ, which drives the mercy and grace so freely and lavishly extended to us. It's too good to be true, we think. But it's so good that it is true. If God is so high above us that we could never approach Him on our own merits, then why wouldn't His gracious ways also be far beyond our understanding? It's not a one-way street.

Christ came and gave Himself to a brutal fate so that you could be reconciled back to the Father. Never forget that. That's how much He valued you. He is not going to allow an immature mistake on your part to separate you from Him, not after giving so much to have you, if only you turn to Him and say you want to come back.

The devil is a liar, and will do anything to keep you from God. His weapon is the lie. He tries to convince us that we are hopeless and beyond God's grace. Do NOT believe him. Don't give him the victory, when Christ has ALREADY won it for you. His victory on the Cross on your behalf is immeasurably beyond ANYTHING the devil can mount against it. Align yourself with that truth. Put on the full armor of God, and deflect the enemy's lies, and you will begin to have the manifest victory Jesus wants you to have. You will become a trophy of grace and bear witness to His love.

Read Rom 8. Read 1Cor 5 about a certain sinner, then turn to 2Cor 1-2 and see how tenderly Paul treats him after he repents. That discourse on God's tender mercy leads to the next chapter, 3. That is, the most astounding passage on the nature of the New Covenant, 2Cor 3, comes as a result of a man sinning and then repenting!

Put away your torment and believe. The mistakes of the past have NO more authority over you. Give yourself totally to Christ and He will receive and protect you. "The NAME of the Lord is a strong tower. [Those made righteous in Him] flee to it and are safe."

pinkjess · Dec 20, 2015

The fact that you came on here for help is a good sign. I'm going to write more later.

Okay, I am back. I want to start off by telling you God loves you more than you can feel right now. It sounds to me like your struggles with the unpardonable sin are actually OCD related and is called "scrupulosity"; I struggle with it as do many others on a daily basis :groupray:

I was in your shoes once, feeling cut off from God, feeling like you've sinned so bad He cannot redeem you. But He can. I want you to glaze over a post I put on here when I was around fifteen years old and feeling tormented like you are now.

http://www.christianforums.com/threads/should-i-leave-christianity.7409685/

I was in a very dark place during the time I posted that. I felt so far from God I felt "what is the use? God is only causing me pain. I don't want to be a Christian anymore. This is burdening me and causing me stress" those were the exact thoughts I was having at that time. I know exactly how you feel. I have been there.

If I could tell my old self anything, it would be this, "God loves you more than you feel right now. Your brain has a misfire that makes you feel things that are not true. God is not out to get you, and He does NOT hate you. Jesus loves you so much He willingly died to bring you back to Him. God is not who you think He is."

Feelings are not always indicative of the truth. You may not feel like God is with you now, but the more you choose to spend time with Him (praying, reading Bible) the more inches you get closer to Him. I am still struggling with this because it is hard for me to stay still :sorry:

Like I said before, you have scrupulosity and it is not your fault the pain caused you to rebel. God wants to welcome you back with OPEN ARMS. It's going to hurt coming back to Him, but let the light back in.

Gentle Lamb · Dec 20, 2015

Encouragement, hope it helps:

http://www.tscnyc.org/media_center.php?pg=sermons&spg=mp3&ma=44010&size=audio

Winken · Dec 20, 2015

Unmedicated said:
I have many questions and burdens and I really need to reach out to someone.

I was a very devoted Christian when I was a little boy. I was raised by my grandparents in a Baptist home. I was baptized when I was in 5th grade and accepted Christ as my savior in church officially at this time.

I would read a passage about blasphemy and how it's not forgiven and then I would freak out and repeatedly repeat to myself I haven't done it, or I would have "bad thoughts" and think that I did it. Then I would go into hysterics. It's hard to describe but I'm trying. I was only a kid.

When you confessed Jesus as Savior His Righteousness was imparted to you. No "unpardonable sin" can pierce that Righteousness. You were forgiven the instant you received Jesus as Savior. You are forgiven right now. Your eternal home is Heaven.

No more doubt, no more fears, no more tears. Praises to the Great I AM, you will live in the Light of the Risen Lamb.

katerinah1947 · Dec 20, 2015

Unmedicated said:
I have many questions and burdens and I really need to reach out to someone. I don't go to church for personal reasons I'll discuss in my post. I'll do my best to provide as many details as I can as to why I feel this way and hopefully find some answers.

I guess I'll start with my current state before I get into specifics - some background: I feel no peace. I feel utterly empty and hopeless. I've addicted to Ativan and I've been on and off different types of Benzos and anti-depressants, I just don't have peace and it's a horrible feeling to want to die, but be too afraid of death. You're stuck in limbo. Every single day I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate who I am. I live in a constant state of paranoia and fear, sometimes I don't even like leaving the house. It makes it impossible to hold a job.

I was a very devoted Christian when I was a little boy. I was raised by my grandparents in a Baptist home. I was baptized when I was in 5th grade and accepted Christ as my savior in church officially at this time. I felt very warm and extreme happiness. I remember that feeling, even though I haven't felt it in a long time. I wanted to go to church every time the doors were open, I read my bible - but I was always afraid. I came across passages of Hell and damnation and then finally the unforgivable sin of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. I can't tell you how many times I cried in absolute terror and fear. It drove my grandparents crazy. I was never able to relax. I was a kid, so maybe I didn't understand or I wasn't ready for what I read. I don't know what the reason was. It seems like I was in constant war inside my head - constantly telling myself things and talking to myself. Not in a schizophrenic kind of way, but just talking to myself. For example, I would read a passage about blasphemy and how it's not forgiven and then I would freak out and repeatedly repeat to myself I haven't done it, or I would have "bad thoughts" and think that I did it. Then I would go into hysterics. It's hard to describe but I'm trying. I was only a kid.

As my teenage years came, I became more angry - anti-social outcast from school and bullied. I didn't have the best relationship with my parents. My mother abandoned me when I was little and my father didn't really raise me or have much to do with me growing up outside of criticisms.

I turned to music and felt at peace. I abandoned Christ when I was a teenager and the strangest thing is, I wont lie, I felt like a prisoner that had been released from chains. I lived as an Atheist and I was extremely angry against God. I blasphemed him, burned my old bible... anything horrible you can say about God, I probably said it. I don't say that with pride, but I say it because it is a fact. When I was 17, I almost died from alcohol poisoning. The impending dread I felt and the realization when I thought I was dying made me come back to God... but I didn't feel the same peace I did. It felt empty.

I tried to go back to church to seek help, but it was different. I was basically told I was going to Hell, which obviously led to extreme hysteria and depression. I felt like there was no escape - there was no salvation. I was dead already. I wanted to die but didn't want to kill myself because I knew it would just speed up what already awaited me. I really was wrong for what I did and I'm so sorry and I hate it happened... but now that it has happened, I don't know what to do. I can't change the past, as much as I pray and wish I could.

Well, I'm now a man of 26 and I can't live like this anymore. I struggle daily with life and I'm honestly not happy at all. I can't sleep, I can't focus or function. I just feel dead inside. So I had some questions and I hope you can answer them or at least give me peace.

How can the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit not be forgiven? I thought Christ's sacrifice on the cross was sufficient enough that his blood covered all sins when you became a Christian... why can't He forgive this if you are truly repentant? I've had people tell me that this since is just the rejection and hardening of your heart against Christ, but if that is so, why does the passage in Luke say "speaketh" it gives a specific definition... and if this is true, then that means the sacrifice is void for me because you can commit this sin. Why would Jesus even go to the cross if every sin couldn't be forgiven... Why would he create man, knowing the fall would take place. Why would there even be a Hell, a place of excruciating torment and pain... why not just die into nothingness if they are not children of God?

I mean no disrespect to God, please believe me... but why would God, if He is all knowing, create someone that He already knows is damned to Hell? Why would He even allow me to be born if He knew I was going to Hell when I died? I don't feel a God of love in my heart at the moment, but I feel like a condemned prisoner about to go before a judge that already knows the sentence that will be carried out... It's the most bleak and hopeless feeling imaginable. I felt like my time as a Christian is absolute torment inside - a conflict I can't win.

I cry as I type because I really do want peace and forgiveness from God, but I don't feel it. I feel empty and conflicted with this problem that no one can seem to help me. I decided to turn to this forum for guidance... I need help bad. Desperately. I want God's forgiveness. I don't want to die and go to Hell. What can I do?

Please explain this sin to me and why it says "speaketh" if it's just constant rejection against the will of the Holy Spirit. And if so, why isn't Christ's sacrifice sufficient enough to cover this sin... Please answer my questions and give me peace. I know I'm asking a lot but I need guidance and help from a man who studies the Bible - a man of God.

You have no idea how tormented I am. Please help me.

Thank you.

Hi,

I have read your entire post. It will take me awhile to handle all your pain and agony. The tears are there. The pain is there for and with you.

The Bible also says nothing shall be impossible for God, and it says the mere belief is all that you need in God, to fulfill the minimum requirements for God.

Hatred of God for Humans is actually liked by God. It is Apathy that He does not like.

Do you not know yet that for humans (yes I am one also) love is love and hate is love?????????

We call erroneously pleasure love, and displeasure hate, on the subject of caring.

When a person we care about acts in a manner we expect, thus pleasing us, that is what we call love, rather than what it actually is, which is pleasure in another person.

Hate is actually displeasure, in a person we care about.

For humans, I hate God, is really I love God.

As hard or ridiculous as that sounds, in time you will find that is true.

God seems to know that, which is why He stated, I dislike the lukewarm, not those that hate Me or love Me.

For several reasons, including my feelings with content, You are loved by God, not condemned by Him.

Did you not say above, "I mean no disrespect?" That dear, is what fear of the Lord is also indicated by. You cannot fear hurting God, and not be told that by The Holy Spirit.

You cannot be afraid of hurting or having hurt God too much, if The Holy Spirit is not telling you that.

God only said to Job in The Old Testament, not the New one with Mercy and Truth, that Job would die if he cursed God. Remember to hate for humans is to love, but they don't know that.

Apathy, something that you have none of is not caring, it is not hate. You can only hate/be-displeased-by someone you care about.

Can you or anyone say that caring is not really love?

Caring is a high form of love. It means the other person is important to you.

You have loved God mightily all those years that you were violated by your family condition and conditions and your lack of guidance so far.

You loved God always so far, the word definitions of love have given you an improper understanding so far.

Are you just and right now, as much as you can be?

Do you try to do what is right?

If you do that also, you are actually doing the Will of God.

God in actions of His Son has shown us that doing the will of someone is loving them. That actually is how the Bible defines love.

Love, Biblically, is doing the Will of the one or the object or the cause that you say you love.

Being as just and righteous as you can be, where those two words mean the same thing, is doing the Will of God. Therefore that is also loving God, but by God's definition of love, not the human one.

If you have always loved God in anyway including what you thought of as hate, then you need to know that.

If you have, not, there actually is no unforgivable sin, that you are not being actively protected from doing.

No one really understands but God, what Jesus meant, and your rough life so far is the stuff of saints, not the damned.

The choice is yours, to keep choosing God, or to rail against Him.

Do you want a free will type of item?

Do this or do not do this. Tell no one, as prayers are done that way. Jesus told us that. Give up your free will to God like Jesus actually did in actions, by doing His Fathers Will and not His Own will, but for you like some others have done also, do this, turn your life over to Jesus, to do whatever He wishes with it rather than what you wish, from today in, always, everywhere and in all things. Do that in writing, or do not do that.

LOVE,
I will post the way Catholics are to do that if they wish next, in an edit here.

In writing: "From today on, I do the Will of God everywhere, always and in everything" Do this or do not do this. Tell only your spouse as you and they are one person to God. Otherwise tell no one whether you have done that or not.

LOVE,

Unmedicated · Dec 21, 2015

I appreciate all of your kind words and time to post in my thread. I think the reason I refuse to go to church is it constantly feels like a judgement, almost sadistic in a way, by fellow Christians. Not all, but a good deal. I've dealt with the issue of blasphemy of the Holy Spirit and Hebrews 6:4-6 most of my adult life.

There are so many conflicting statements in The Bible that I don't know what to believe or do anymore. I feel so twisted out of shape and stagnating. Once saved, always saved - losing your salvation for eternity. I felt like I understood it all but I never did. Hopefully I can figure it out and all of your words of encouragement certainly help... I guess no one knows for sure though about the verses. If your salvation is eternally secure, I don't understand apostasy and blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. The only time I've been able to find any peace these past few days is just to take pills and dope myself up.

I was saved when I was a kid and no one can tell me otherwise. I know exactly what I felt when I did it. And I also know exactly how I felt when I was a teenager and abandoned the faith. I am guilty of apostasy as well as blasphemy.

Sometimes I think being a Christian was just too hard for me because I don't know what to believe - what translation, what interpretation, etc.

I can't change the past. So I guess I have to accept it.

Thanks for all of your words.

paul1149 · Dec 21, 2015

Someone has said that the Bible is pure enough to drink from, and deep enough to drown in. History is full of people who got lost in doctrinal or religious confusion or disputes. Ironic, since the Bible itself focuses on the comfort of the scriptures.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” -Matt 11:28-30

I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life. -1John 5:13

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. -1Cor 13:4-8

God is love. -1John 4:8

This is why Jesus insists we come as children in order to see and enter the kingdom. Theology has its place later, to understand the reality and to help others. But the childlike trust factor of the heart is central.

Before you accept condemnation, make sure you are considering the whole counsel of God, not one passage by itself. And make sure you really understand that one passage before you accept your understanding of it. Even the Apostles themselves were stumbled, at the crucifixion. Yet Jesus sought them out afterward, and restored them. Whatever it is saying, Hebrews 6 does not stand alone. Paul justified himself to the Ephesian elders by saying: Therefore I testify to you this day that I am innocent of the blood of all, for I did not shrink from declaring to you the whole counsel of God. -Acts 20:26-27

There is not one case in scripture of Jesus rejecting anyone who came to Him with a sincere heart. Not one. Indeed, He took it upon Himself to seek out the lost in the forgotten and despised dregs of humanity. I am absolutely sure He will do the same for you, and indeed am fully confident that your heart is inclined toward Him. You now, though, are in a place where your past presents an obstacle to faith. It has shut out the previous feelings of salvation. This is a place that demands a level of maturity that places God's word above feelings. If you let the feelings drive you, you will not progress, because feelings don't change on their own. People can stay stuck in feelings their whole lives. Some feelings are good to hold onto. But when feelings do not reflect the Truth they are destructive and must be examined and rejected and exchanged for truth. After a while new feelings will follow.

God has said that if you trust in Him He will save you. He has made an astonishing provision for that in the atoning work of Christ. It is now up to you to believe, honor and accept it. It never was about your good works, or your ability to obey. It always was about the completed work of Christ on your behalf. When God cut the covenant with Abraham, in direct contrast to the normal covenantal rite, God alone walked through the divided pieces of the sacrifice. Abraham had nothing to do but watch in awe, as God signified that He was taking full responsibility for the covenant upon Himself, without Abraham's help. We are not equal partners with God in our salvation covenant with Him. He has done it all.

What is our job then? The same as Abraham's. We are to prepare and present the sacrifice - in this case, ourselves. This means making a decision to believe, and placing ourselves in God's hands with full trust in HIS ability. He is both Author and Perfecter. And He who has begun a good work in you will complete it to the day of Christ Jesus. Accepting your past does not mean accepting the future it implies.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies.
Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?
As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,
nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Rom 8:31-39

Take Heart · Dec 21, 2015

Unmedicated said:
Thanks for all of your words

Hello brother : )

I'm 26 years old as well and I can relate a bit to your struggles.
I can't really add more to what's already been said by our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, but I can share with you a video that I think is worth your time and will help answer some of your questions in your heart.

This video is probably.. THE only video I will watch again and again and again. This guy..is down to earth and he makes his messages fun to hear.

This is something that may help strengthen your belief, your faith, and hope like it has for mine time and time again.
I intentionally skipped it to the time in the video that I wanted you to view it from [should start at 52:22]. I've probably watched this about 8 times already.. it's super powerful and far from boring ♥ I highly recommend it

Goodbook · Dec 21, 2015

Im going to add something.
Read the parable of the prodigal son.
Also. It seems like maybe your baptist church has a reformed view and teaching calvinism. Im sorry but the calvinists are wrong. Nobody is condemned if they are in Christ. God does not prejudged ppl before judgement day!!! In the bible, predstiny means Jesus was predestined to be our saviour, and anyone who believes in him ..will have the sAme destiny Jesus has...eternity with God.

Our Lord is merciful and gracious and will always forgive when we are repentant.
Another thing is Jesus goes after the lost sheep and finds a way to bring you back. This may be his way of lighting your path.

There are lots of bible believing churches you dont have to go back to the same one you grew up in. Just rest a while in God and may the Lord bring you peace that passes all understanding. He is a forgiving God.

Goodbook · Dec 21, 2015

please also look up Isaiah 40:30-31

Isaiah55:6 · Dec 21, 2015

Most bible scholars agree that a believer cannot commit the unforgivable sin. Here is a cool article about it. I suggest you read the whole thing, it should give you peace in regards to this problem anyway.

https://carm.org/what-blasphemy-holy-spirit-can-christian-commit-it

com7fy8 · Dec 21, 2015

Pray, trust God who knows about you

What you have tried has not worked because it doesn't work.

So, now trust God

Purge187 · Dec 21, 2015

A good rule of thumb: if you're worried about whether or not you've committed the Unpardonable Sin, odds are good you didn't.

graceandpeace · Dec 21, 2015

Unmedicated said:
I have many questions and burdens and I really need to reach out to someone. I don't go to church for personal reasons I'll discuss in my post. I'll do my best to provide as many details as I can as to why I feel this way and hopefully find some answers.

I guess I'll start with my current state before I get into specifics - some background: I feel no peace. I feel utterly empty and hopeless. I've addicted to Ativan and I've been on and off different types of Benzos and anti-depressants, I just don't have peace and it's a horrible feeling to want to die, but be too afraid of death. You're stuck in limbo. Every single day I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate who I am. I live in a constant state of paranoia and fear, sometimes I don't even like leaving the house. It makes it impossible to hold a job.

I was a very devoted Christian when I was a little boy. I was raised by my grandparents in a Baptist home. I was baptized when I was in 5th grade and accepted Christ as my savior in church officially at this time. I felt very warm and extreme happiness. I remember that feeling, even though I haven't felt it in a long time. I wanted to go to church every time the doors were open, I read my bible - but I was always afraid. I came across passages of Hell and damnation and then finally the unforgivable sin of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. I can't tell you how many times I cried in absolute terror and fear. It drove my grandparents crazy. I was never able to relax. I was a kid, so maybe I didn't understand or I wasn't ready for what I read. I don't know what the reason was. It seems like I was in constant war inside my head - constantly telling myself things and talking to myself. Not in a schizophrenic kind of way, but just talking to myself. For example, I would read a passage about blasphemy and how it's not forgiven and then I would freak out and repeatedly repeat to myself I haven't done it, or I would have "bad thoughts" and think that I did it. Then I would go into hysterics. It's hard to describe but I'm trying. I was only a kid.

As my teenage years came, I became more angry - anti-social outcast from school and bullied. I didn't have the best relationship with my parents. My mother abandoned me when I was little and my father didn't really raise me or have much to do with me growing up outside of criticisms.

I turned to music and felt at peace. I abandoned Christ when I was a teenager and the strangest thing is, I wont lie, I felt like a prisoner that had been released from chains. I lived as an Atheist and I was extremely angry against God. I blasphemed him, burned my old bible... anything horrible you can say about God, I probably said it. I don't say that with pride, but I say it because it is a fact. When I was 17, I almost died from alcohol poisoning. The impending dread I felt and the realization when I thought I was dying made me come back to God... but I didn't feel the same peace I did. It felt empty.

I tried to go back to church to seek help, but it was different. I was basically told I was going to Hell, which obviously led to extreme hysteria and depression. I felt like there was no escape - there was no salvation. I was dead already. I wanted to die but didn't want to kill myself because I knew it would just speed up what already awaited me. I really was wrong for what I did and I'm so sorry and I hate it happened... but now that it has happened, I don't know what to do. I can't change the past, as much as I pray and wish I could.

Well, I'm now a man of 26 and I can't live like this anymore. I struggle daily with life and I'm honestly not happy at all. I can't sleep, I can't focus or function. I just feel dead inside. So I had some questions and I hope you can answer them or at least give me peace.

How can the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit not be forgiven? I thought Christ's sacrifice on the cross was sufficient enough that his blood covered all sins when you became a Christian... why can't He forgive this if you are truly repentant? I've had people tell me that this since is just the rejection and hardening of your heart against Christ, but if that is so, why does the passage in Luke say "speaketh" it gives a specific definition... and if this is true, then that means the sacrifice is void for me because you can commit this sin. Why would Jesus even go to the cross if every sin couldn't be forgiven... Why would he create man, knowing the fall would take place. Why would there even be a Hell, a place of excruciating torment and pain... why not just die into nothingness if they are not children of God?

I mean no disrespect to God, please believe me... but why would God, if He is all knowing, create someone that He already knows is damned to Hell? Why would He even allow me to be born if He knew I was going to Hell when I died? I don't feel a God of love in my heart at the moment, but I feel like a condemned prisoner about to go before a judge that already knows the sentence that will be carried out... It's the most bleak and hopeless feeling imaginable. I felt like my time as a Christian is absolute torment inside - a conflict I can't win.

I cry as I type because I really do want peace and forgiveness from God, but I don't feel it. I feel empty and conflicted with this problem that no one can seem to help me. I decided to turn to this forum for guidance... I need help bad. Desperately. I want God's forgiveness. I don't want to die and go to Hell. What can I do?

Please explain this sin to me and why it says "speaketh" if it's just constant rejection against the will of the Holy Spirit. And if so, why isn't Christ's sacrifice sufficient enough to cover this sin... Please answer my questions and give me peace. I know I'm asking a lot but I need guidance and help from a man who studies the Bible - a man of God.

You have no idea how tormented I am. Please help me.

Thank you.

First, I would suggest seeking professional help with a counselor or therapist. We can't give medical advice on the forums, but the depression, fear, etc are all worrying, so please seek professional help. I would not stress over religious questions until you find physical & mental health & peace.

Second, I believe God is merciful & I share in the hope that He will forgive all repentant people. So, I believe God can forgive anything He chooses, & I would not worry.

I find it troubling you were told you would "go to hell" - I consider that to be a spiritual threat, & thus abusive. Christians do not agree about what "hell" is, either. Perhaps when you have found some help for the depression, etc, you might be in a better place to research the different perspectives in the Christian community on this topic.

Good luck to you.

com7fy8 · Dec 21, 2015

I suppose you should have some understanding about what God desires to do with you . . . not only to try to get out of your suffering, but trust God for where He desires to take you.

Our pastor was talking about how repenting is not only turning from our sins, but to repent means to change to be with the LORD in joy.

And he said we need to evaluate who is our "king". We can be our own king, and this can result in a lot of misery and trouble and confusion. We need for Jesus to be our King, including how He is ruling us with His peace in us.

paul1149 said:
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” -Matt 11:28-30

And . . . about what can be forgiven > Jesus does say >

"'And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.'" (Mark 11:25-26)

So, if God desires for us to be so generously forgiving, God is so more and better than we are; so, then, surely we can count on our Father to be more able to forgive us, than how well we can forgive others

Goodbook said:
Our Lord is merciful and gracious and will always forgive when we are repentant.

"casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

But forgiving is in prayer, in love for people . . . not only in order to make sure we ourselves are forgiven, but because we really do care for others as ourselves. So, it is like being in a warm room; in order for you to have warmth of that room, you need to be able to share this nice and warm room with the rest of us who are here

aiki · Dec 21, 2015

Unmedicated said:
I was a very devoted Christian when I was a little boy. I was raised by my grandparents in a Baptist home. I was baptized when I was in 5th grade and accepted Christ as my savior in church officially at this time. I felt very warm and extreme happiness. I remember that feeling, even though I haven't felt it in a long time. I wanted to go to church every time the doors were open, I read my bible - but I was always afraid. I came across passages of Hell and damnation and then finally the unforgivable sin of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. I can't tell you how many times I cried in absolute terror and fear. It drove my grandparents crazy. I was never able to relax. I was a kid, so maybe I didn't understand or I wasn't ready for what I read. I don't know what the reason was.

I think that, fundamentally, you did not properly understand the Gospel and how a life "in Christ" works. Sadly, this is true of many adults, not just children, within the Church. And when you understand neither the Gospel nor how to walk with God, kooky fears and obsessions can result.

Unmedicated said:
It seems like I was in constant war inside my head - constantly telling myself things and talking to myself. Not in a schizophrenic kind of way, but just talking to myself. For example, I would read a passage about blasphemy and how it's not forgiven and then I would freak out and repeatedly repeat to myself I haven't done it, or I would have "bad thoughts" and think that I did it. Then I would go into hysterics. It's hard to describe but I'm trying. I was only a kid.

What you're describing here sounds very much like obsessive-compulsive thinking, which is typically the result of fear. As young man I used to struggle with OCD. I know what it is like to go 'round and 'round endlessly in my mind arguing and obsessing over things I feared. Not fun. But not inescapable, either.

Unmedicated said:
As my teenage years came, I became more angry - anti-social outcast from school and bullied. I didn't have the best relationship with my parents. My mother abandoned me when I was little and my father didn't really raise me or have much to do with me growing up outside of criticisms.

Ouch. It can be hard to trust God when you find yourself in such circumstances. He doesn't seem very loving or kind when He has allowed your life to be filled with such unhappiness and loneliness, does He? This kind of thinking is a lie, though. It misunderstands God and a person's freedom to make choices for good or evil.

Unmedicated said:
I turned to music and felt at peace. I abandoned Christ when I was a teenager and the strangest thing is, I wont lie, I felt like a prisoner that had been released from chains.

Well, honestly, you were in chains. Clearly, you did not have a relationship with God and when you tried to live like you did when you didn't, the result was an inevitable sort of resentful, obligatory ritualistic going-through-the-motions that bound you rather than brought you joy. A fairly common story among "Christians."

Unmedicated said:
I lived as an Atheist and I was extremely angry against God. I blasphemed him, burned my old bible... anything horrible you can say about God, I probably said it. I don't say that with pride, but I say it because it is a fact. When I was 17, I almost died from alcohol poisoning. The impending dread I felt and the realization when I thought I was dying made me come back to God... but I didn't feel the same peace I did. It felt empty.

Again, you did not, I think, properly understand the Gospel. And until you do, "coming back to God" is not going to get you what you need. You fear God's judgment but you don't appear to have any love for Him. But love between God and you is at the heart of being His child.

Matthew 22:35-38
35 Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying,
36 "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?"
37 Jesus said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.'
38 This is the first and great commandment.

Unmedicated said:
I tried to go back to church to seek help, but it was different. I was basically told I was going to Hell, which obviously led to extreme hysteria and depression. I felt like there was no escape - there was no salvation. I was dead already. I wanted to die but didn't want to kill myself because I knew it would just speed up what already awaited me. I really was wrong for what I did and I'm so sorry and I hate it happened... but now that it has happened, I don't know what to do. I can't change the past, as much as I pray and wish I could.

Well, here's something to consider:

1 John 1:9
9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Philippians 3:12-14
12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.
13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,
14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Unmedicated said:
How can the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit not be forgiven? I thought Christ's sacrifice on the cross was sufficient enough that his blood covered all sins when you became a Christian... why can't He forgive this if you are truly repentant? I've had people tell me that this since is just the rejection and hardening of your heart against Christ, but if that is so, why does the passage in Luke say "speaketh" it gives a specific definition... and if this is true, then that means the sacrifice is void for me because you can commit this sin. Why would Jesus even go to the cross if every sin couldn't be forgiven... Why would he create man, knowing the fall would take place. Why would there even be a Hell, a place of excruciating torment and pain... why not just die into nothingness if they are not children of God?

Matthew 12:34-35
34 Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
35 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.

Out of what sort of heart does the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit come? In the Gospels, the ones who were attributing the work of God to Satan (which is what the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is) were the Pharisees. They hated Jesus. They loved their power and position as the spiritual leaders among their people and felt he threatened both. Jesus also regularly publicly rebuked them. He called them hypocrites, and white-washed tombs, and the brood of vipers. It was, then, out of a heart of hatred, and hypocrisy, and selfishness that the Pharisees blasphemed the work of God's Spirit; the blasphemous things they said were the product of their foul, rebellious hearts. The real issue, then, wasn't really their words but the heart out of which those words arose. Because their hearts were so against the Messiah, their Saviour, so determined to reject everything he did - even so far as to call his good deeds the work of Satan - they cut themselves off utterly from the one and only Source of forgiveness for their wickedness and their sole means of adoption into God's family. The blasphemy they spoke was unforgivable only because it arose from a heart that totally refused the forgiveness of God that was extended to them in Christ.

Unmedicated said:
Why would there even be a Hell, a place of excruciating torment and pain... why not just die into nothingness if they are not children of God?

Because God is a God of justice. There is no justice if punishment for sin is escaped by annihilation. Punishment is only punishment if it is consciously experienced.

Unmedicated said:
I mean no disrespect to God, please believe me... but why would God, if He is all knowing, create someone that He already knows is damned to Hell? Why would He even allow me to be born if He knew I was going to Hell when I died? I don't feel a God of love in my heart at the moment, but I feel like a condemned prisoner about to go before a judge that already knows the sentence that will be carried out... It's the most bleak and hopeless feeling imaginable. I felt like my time as a Christian is absolute torment inside - a conflict I can't win.

The thing is, only God knows who is and who isn't going to reject Him and go to hell. And bad behaviour and a hard heart are no sure indicator that God has destined a person to hell. Stories of such people being redeemed by God from their sin abound! The question you ought to be asking yourself isn't "Has God destined me for hell?" but "Will I receive the gift of life in Christ Jesus or won't I?"

The wicked always feel condemned under the scrutiny of a holy God. That's exactly how it should be. But God isn't only holy, He isn't only just; He is also loving, which is why He holds out to all of us salvation from His judgment and wrath in the person of His Son. Will you take it?

Unmedicated said:
I cry as I type because I really do want peace and forgiveness from God, but I don't feel it. I feel empty and conflicted with this problem that no one can seem to help me. I decided to turn to this forum for guidance... I need help bad. Desperately. I want God's forgiveness. I don't want to die and go to Hell. What can I do?

Would it be reasonable to say, when the sun passes behind dark clouds and you can't feel its heat or see its light any more, that it has ceased to exist? Does what you feel determine what is real in this instance? Obviously not. In the same way, your feelings don't determine what is true about God and His truth, either. If God says you are forgiven, you are forgiven regardless of what you may or may not feel.

Salvation is not simply God's offer of escape from hell but an offer of loving fellowship with Himself. In fact, salvation is a Person, Jesus Christ. It is not divine fire insurance, a sort of spiritual certification, or get-out-of-hell pass given to you by God.

1 John 5:11-13
11 And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son.
12 He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.
13 These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life, and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.

Do you want Jesus? Do you want to submit your life to his lordship and walk in obedience to his commands? Do you see the love that he has for you and love him in return? He is the Way, the Truth, and your Life. Will you open the door of your heart and let him in to rule and reign in you?

John 3:16-17
16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
17 For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

Revelation 3:20
20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.

Selah.

I'm a very conflicted and tormented man.

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There she goes...at the speed of sound

"Let there be sheep!"

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that your faith might rest in the power of God

Be encouraged ♥

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