I have a deep hatred for my mom

katyajane said:

I just started realizing that the only person she ever cared about was herself.
She didn't try to be a mother to me and my brother our whole lives. We didn't have fathers that took care of us either, they abandoned us...The only people that "raised" my brother and I were my grandparents..but since they were old, even they couldn't do a lot to teach my brother and I important life lessons or help with school, even though I'm thankful for them because they did more than my mother ever did for us. When I was a teenager I was okay with my mom being that way because I had my freedom to do whatever I wanted, since she didn't care...once I started growing older I started realizing how important it was to have a mother that cared enough to push me in school. I've wasted a lot of time doing whatever I wanted instead of being serious about my future.
I have always been angry at my mother. I wasn't able to learn any important lessons from life, I was socially awkward because I wasn't sure who I was, and I still have trouble knowing what I want out of life.
When I was little I would even imagine what it would be like to have a real mother that cared for me. I had a mother, but she was never a mother and still isn't. I feel extremely sad now because I've realized how important a mother/father figure is in someones life. It's very important to have one or both to help build the child's personality and psyche. So much time has been wasted....now I have no one to blame but myself, since I'm all grown up.
The important lesson I learned is that when I have a child, I will be there for him/her through everything no matter what.

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Ouch. That doesn't sound very good.
You aren't the first, and you wont be the last to say those words about a parent.
It'll get better sister. Just be patient.

katyajane said:

Ouch to who? She's not a parent. She even admits it herself. What I said on here would not hurt her feelings because she knows that she screwed up, but she doesn't care.
She is and was a horrible influence on my brother and I. I would go into details but it would be so many bad things that she's done.

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It sounds strange, I know, but for your own sake, try to forgive her at least in the sense of not grieving over what you know was and is a sore loss. In the normal human way of things, we have a right, or at least feel we have a right, to loving parents.

But in his Providence - which is never derailed - he considered that heavy cross was a fit cross for you to bear. Unfortunately, I don't believe he ever gives us the kinds of crosses we would choose for ourselves.

One day, God may put some one in your path - maybe He has already - who, if you can release your bitterness and try to forget it all, may make up for all that with his love for you. I've read of it happening before, for a girl with similar unloving parents.

As a Christian it's helpful to ponder that we don't know all the factors that made them turn out the way they did. Pray for them anyway. Always remember that it's more their loss than yours. I can't think of a more epic vocation than to bring up a family, and they royally blew it. Yet so many parents do struggle more or less successfully - there can't be any perfect parents - so in a way their own lives are the punishment they've deserved. Let's hope they can learn a little selfless love and sorrow for the selfishness of their lives, before they die.

Hi. I know exactly what you're feeling because I have the same issues with my father. Not only was he never really interested in mine or my sister's lives, he could be downright cruel when he did interact with us. I am beginning the long process of forgiving him, and in praying for him, God has revealed to me the reasons why he is the way he is, which has helped tremendously. I don't know your situation, but many times parents are what they grew up with. Were these grandparents your mom's parents or your dad's?

In forgiving those who have hurt us, it does not mean in any way that what happened to us was ok, acceptable, or justified. There have been plenty of times when I thought the reason why God would never do anything to make my dad face the consequences was because in his eyes it was ok, by now I know that's a lie from the enemy. And like another said, you hurt yourself by not forgiving. To do so is an act of love, which is an action, not a feeling. I've learned that feeling follows deed, and now I have more peace living with a clean conscience after offering up forgiveness that many days I do not want to give instead of tearing myself apart holding onto what only God can take and remedy. I would distance yourself a bit from your mom and ask God to help you process the anger and abandonment issues before anything else. It will hurt, but lifesaving surgery always does until the wounds are healed. Thankfully we as believers can rest in Him knowing that one day all wrongs will be made right, and God is a God of perfect justice to which every one will have to give account to. I am also thankful that God has gotten me to the place where I realize that even though my dad doesnt seem to care about what he did, deep down he only does the things he does because he was treated that way himself, and is a very broken, hurt, and abandoned person himself.

And remember, "Though my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up." --- Psalm 27:10. KJV

Paul Becke's message is right in that viewpoint should be what you should aim for in the long-term.

I also have a narcissistic personality mother. Yours sounds like the abandoning/ neglectful type. Mine is the engulfing/covert type (until I moved a long way away). Right now you're in the first stages of realising of what you've missed out on. It is normal to grieve, to feel anger, resentment etc.

You can't rush the healing process. Looking for good websites that don't make *any* excuses for the
N parent/s and focus on the victim/ survivor of an Nparent (NOT the narcissist) dealing with will be very helpful to you right now. e.g. secular one: (Google address if link won't work) http://narcissisticmother.com/

Christian one: Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families

I have actually found some personal blogs more helpful than more objective professional websites because they are personal accounts and therefore focused on the survivor's story only. Be careful to avoid ones that dwell excessively on personal pain and rage though. Scratching a terrible itch feels great at first but done for too long can lead to further pain and injury.

Reading the story is actually sort of irrelevant. She could have done you wrong a gazillion times over- but as long as YOU hold hatred in your heart you must pray for her and for yourself. This is THE recourse for the Christian. It is not trite advice. It is absolutely what you must do for your own benefit as well as your mother's.

You had grandparents who loved you. That is more than so many children have, even if they are "old" and could not help you with homework. In fact, they did teach you about one life lesson - independence, and that is a very valuable lesson. Your mom - she has admitted her inability to parent you, which is also more than so many children have. She didn't totally abandon you; she left you with grandparents who loved you and took care of you, met your needs and provided for you. There are a lot of reasons someone can't look after their children, and this may or may not make sense to you. Whatever her reasons are, they are legitimate reasons to her, and she was aware enough to recognize her limitations and inability to care for you the way you deserved to be cared for. Imo, these are amazing strengths that should be admired and respected.

I am not saying that to invalidate your pain over the situation. It must be very, very painful for you; I did say it though, because often understanding is the key to forgiveness, and seeing the strength in a situation rather than the negatives is the key to healing. You recognize that you have issues as a result. Part of those issues may be about the ability to trust, the ability to rely on someone else, maybe unhealthy attachment patterns, or even something as drastic as using drugs to self medicate the deep pain of your feelings of abandonment. Your hatred is not really hatred; it is pain.

If you are able, find someone who will counsel you and/or mentor you. A qualified therapist will help address some of the pains in your life, while a mentor will help you work through these "life lessons" and fill the void of an appropriate female role model. Maybe get to know some of the ladies in your church and see if there is one who is able to take you under wing, and disciple/mentor you. A significant part of this discipleship/mentor relationship should be about character development, including the humility to forgive your mother for not "being enough" of a mother for you, and your grandparents for being "too old" to help with your homework.

I pray you are able to work through these very significant issues, as it will impact your ability to have long-term, functional relationships.

katyajane said:

I just started realizing that the only person she ever cared about was herself.
She didn't try to be a mother to me and my brother our whole lives. We didn't have fathers that took care of us either, they abandoned us...The only people that "raised" my brother and I were my grandparents..but since they were old, even they couldn't do a lot to teach my brother and I important life lessons or help with school, even though I'm thankful for them because they did more than my mother ever did for us. When I was a teenager I was okay with my mom being that way because I had my freedom to do whatever I wanted, since she didn't care...once I started growing older I started realizing how important it was to have a mother that cared enough to push me in school. I've wasted a lot of time doing whatever I wanted instead of being serious about my future.
I have always been angry at my mother. I wasn't able to learn any important lessons from life, I was socially awkward because I wasn't sure who I was, and I still have trouble knowing what I want out of life.
When I was little I would even imagine what it would be like to have a real mother that cared for me. I had a mother, but she was never a mother and still isn't. I feel extremely sad now because I've realized how important a mother/father figure is in someones life. It's very important to have one or both to help build the child's personality and psyche. So much time has been wasted....now I have no one to blame but myself, since I'm all grown up.
The important lesson I learned is that when I have a child, I will be there for him/her through everything no matter what.

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Jane, you are not alone. I too, had a dysfunctional childhood and grew up in a hostile environment of domestic violence and emotional abuse. I too, struggled for a while with anger and hate towards my parents for their failure to give me a healthy growing up environment, but God made me realise I need to forgive them for all their faults.

As Christians, we need to guard our hearts against hatred and bitterness, because these sins will entangle us and separate us from God's healing and love. Lord Jesus said if we do not forgive others, our God will also not forgive us. This world is full of debts that we owe to each other, but all of us owe God more than anyone else. Since God has decided not to hold our debts toward Him, we also ought not to hold other people's debts towards us. It doesn't matter who owes us, we need to release their debts just like God released ours.

I advise you to seek God in prayer about forgiving your mother, and ask God to help you come out of your anger and bitterness. Ultimately, this world will come to an end, and God will wipe any bitter memories from us when He brings us into His new kingdom. Why are you holding onto a momentary grudge and forsaking the joy you will have in the future when God gives us new bodies to live with Him? Seek forgiveness from God, and learn to forgive your mother too. Remember that our eternal destiny is to be with God, therefore let nothing in this world hold us back from seeking God's kingdom and righteousness.

It is a painful thing to go through, and for so many years you probably didn't have the sympathy or support of others. There is no screening process to become parents -- people just find themselves in that position, and move forward with it.

Just so you know, I considered my parents good ones, but they never helped with homework -- they believed kids needed to take responsibility. They sent us out to play by ourselves for hours, and peeked out the window to make sure we were still there.

When I got stung by a bee, I'd have to run inside to find help. When siblings or friends bullied, I had to work it out myself. And we spent about 20 hour per week with household chores.

A different generation.

I am grateful for the foundations they laid and the overall sense of care and security, but being under good parents involved a lot of work and self-determination. Sometimes dejection comes more from harsh words that were spoken, year after year.

The reality these days in a two-parent working middle class household, shows parents out of the house for work about 100+ hours, taking kids to sports and music and activities in the remaining hours, and not much time left for quality relationships. Some parents are also caring for elderly grandparents.

It's wonderful that your experiences compel you to be a better parent, and a better person. I hope that you have adequate places to talk about your experiences, and vent the frustration. It sounds like you will be a thoughtful, loving parent some day.

I have a father who was less than ideal, and spent a significant period of time in resentment over it. The bad part of holding on to resentment is that it doesn't really hurt the other person, it hurts you. There is a process for grieving what you didn't have but should have had. Part of that is anger, which seems to be where you are now. I encourage you to seek ways to move past that to a place of forgiveness for your own sake. VG has given some wonderful suggestions on what resources you might find helpful to do that.

I'd also like to say that in some cases, it is possible for God to bring about repentance and reconciliation. Not all cases, though, and you reaching a place of forgiveness should not be dependent upon that. Remember, forgiveness is about changing your own heart. If the act of forgiveness changes the other person's heart, it's a bonus.

The bad part of holding on to resentment is that it doesn't really hurt the other person, it hurts you.

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So true.
Pay attention to the thought patterns -- do you hit points in a day where you feel like you can't move forward because someone always blocked your progress. Echoes of blame. Or hear voices of "you can't do that," as though your glass ceiling is extremely low, due to these echoes.

There's a point where we need to cut off the inner things that deter us. Refuse to listen to them. The healing process is long, but this resistance to being dragged down has to be part of it at some point.

(Also the brain can delay dealing with things and form a mental block.)

The only excuse you should ever use is one used to fly higher than your parent thinks you can.

My mother did not actually leave me, but she was pretty absent the first 7 years and after that was always kind of looking for some place else for me to go to. My father totally abandoned me and my sister. This I am saying to let you know that to some extent I understand as I hated my mother also.

It is such a burden to hate! Try to push those angry thoughts away from you. Get off that emotional treadmill. It takes lots of practice, but you can do it and when you do you will feel so much better. It may be that, without trying, you also forgive. This has happened to me, too.

You do have a Father! He is infinitely better than any human father. This I also know from experience. I pray you will leave the hurt with him and be healed of it. He can teach you more than she can imagine and will, more and more, as you let Him through His Word and the Holy Spirit. Praying for that for you, too.

I know some "normal" adults who are like that, mostly looking out for themselves, so I believe you. It can be difficult when all their friends think they're great, and you have no one to turn to for understanding.

katyajane said:

I just started realizing that the only person she ever cared about was herself. . . .
I have always been angry at my mother. I wasn't able to learn any important lessons from life, I was socially awkward . . . .
When I was little I would even imagine what it would be like to have a real mother that cared for me. . . .
The important lesson I learned is that when I have a child, I will be there for him/her through everything no matter what.

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Katya, I understand what you wrote here too well, having hated both Mother and G-d from my earliest memories and for years.

Mother was narcissistic to nth degree. Fortunately for me, I married twice, and each time, I got wonderful mothers-in-law. It took years for me to understand my first mother-in-law's kindness, until I asked a friend regarding my in-laws, "They make me so nervous! What do they want out of me?" My friend, surprised, responded that they wanted nothing. That was a major revelation, and I believed her, but I had to think about it for quite awhile. Only then did I realize that they just wanted to love me. So when my first husband died, and I married again 10 years later, they had taught me much about love, and they prepared me to love my next in-laws.

Now, I worry that I am, myself, narcissistic, although I have fought that most of my life, trying to be a decent human being. Oh, I hope that someday, I grow up and have all the answers.

katyajane said:

I just started realizing that the only person she ever cared about was herself.
She didn't try to be a mother to me and my brother our whole lives. We didn't have fathers that took care of us either, they abandoned us...The only people that "raised" my brother and I were my grandparents..but since they were old, even they couldn't do a lot to teach my brother and I important life lessons or help with school, even though I'm thankful for them because they did more than my mother ever did for us. When I was a teenager I was okay with my mom being that way because I had my freedom to do whatever I wanted, since she didn't care...once I started growing older I started realizing how important it was to have a mother that cared enough to push me in school. I've wasted a lot of time doing whatever I wanted instead of being serious about my future.
I have always been angry at my mother. I wasn't able to learn any important lessons from life, I was socially awkward because I wasn't sure who I was, and I still have trouble knowing what I want out of life.
When I was little I would even imagine what it would be like to have a real mother that cared for me. I had a mother, but she was never a mother and still isn't. I feel extremely sad now because I've realized how important a mother/father figure is in someones life. It's very important to have one or both to help build the child's personality and psyche. So much time has been wasted....now I have no one to blame but myself, since I'm all grown up.
The important lesson I learned is that when I have a child, I will be there for him/her through everything no matter what.

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You will never be able to justify hating your mother to God. Maybe she was not a perfect mother, but be grateful u had loving grandparents to help. What are u gaining by hating her, and trying to justify it? Choose to forgive, learn from her mistake, and do a better job of parenting when u get the chance.

I understand how you feel to some extent. Both of my parents I have not the best relationship with because of things that have been said and done that have been so hurtful. Recently, as in a few months ago, God started changing my inner life, and I had to start praying to God to put love in my heart for my parents because I kept thinking to myself, God, is it okay for me to hate some people? It's not okay for us to hate anyone. Jesus said to Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. God knows how you feel about your mother. Maybe by doing what I did did, which is to pray for God to put love in your heart for your mom, you will be able to start understanding, and moving past and through this. God will help you for sure. He's brought you to this point and can most certainly carry you further. Pray about the hurt, bring it to God, pray about the hate, bring it to God. He can take it, and He can help you out of it. He's the only one capable of doing that. I hope our words here can help you.

A Christian with an agenda against certain women is a mocker.

paul becke said:

That is a strange question for a Christian to ask? A good job the Good Samaritan didn't take that kind of attitude, noting that no one else was bothering about the man who'd been beaten and robbed.

What's more sharing expenses through taxation is a marvelous gift to our modern society. In the old days the money went, almost always to, at best, sociopathic kings, emperors, earls and the like. Even today much of the world is (mis)governed by psychopaths, who spend more on their palaces than their annual GDP. Not that you taxes in the US would often be well-spent. But this a digression from the point I made in the first paragraph, which is seminal to Christianity.

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katyajane said:

I just started realizing that the only person she ever cared about was herself.
She didn't try to be a mother to me and my brother our whole lives. We didn't have fathers that took care of us either, they abandoned us...The only people that "raised" my brother and I were my grandparents..but since they were old, even they couldn't do a lot to teach my brother and I important life lessons or help with school, even though I'm thankful for them because they did more than my mother ever did for us. When I was a teenager I was okay with my mom being that way because I had my freedom to do whatever I wanted, since she didn't care...once I started growing older I started realizing how important it was to have a mother that cared enough to push me in school. I've wasted a lot of time doing whatever I wanted instead of being serious about my future.
I have always been angry at my mother. I wasn't able to learn any important lessons from life, I was socially awkward because I wasn't sure who I was, and I still have trouble knowing what I want out of life.
When I was little I would even imagine what it would be like to have a real mother that cared for me. I had a mother, but she was never a mother and still isn't. I feel extremely sad now because I've realized how important a mother/father figure is in someones life. It's very important to have one or both to help build the child's personality and psyche. So much time has been wasted....now I have no one to blame but myself, since I'm all grown up.
The important lesson I learned is that when I have a child, I will be there for him/her through everything no matter what.

Click to expand...

Whatever your mom has done to you, you have done worse to God. We all have. Read the parable of the unforgiving servant, which is Matthew 18:21-35 because it addresses your situation. Bear in mind this scripture as well:

Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,
Matthew 6:15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

God won't forgive us if we won't forgive others. Whatever your mom did, God expects you to forgive her like He has forgiven you for your sins and to love her. Ask God to give you His love for your mom, and to help you to forgive her from your heart. Seek this out through prayer, and keep seeking until you have truly forgiven her.