The past few years have been difficult for me. My friend committed suicide, and days after i found out he had a mental illness. I went through a lengthy period of unemployment just as I proposed to my girlfriend. Her parents and my church and everyone else added a lot of stress because of that fiasco. My attitude which was on a high had started to decline. It seemed like everyday I got worse and worse. Not just depressed because of the unemployment and other things, but very angry. My relationship with God deteriorated at the same rate as the state of my mind did.
A few weeks ago I had some strange and rare moment of clarity. God likely took pity on me and granted me that moment. Because I realized that something was wrong with me. The way I acted, my thoughts and my emotions... None of it made sense to me. I began tracing back my life and looking at decisions and just reactions and so forth. I realized I never got over my friend dying. I thought just within a few months I did and I began championing outreach in my church. I now see that I was on that high after I grieved so bitterly. That high was never meant to last and eventually I would come back down. Only I didn't know that was what was happening to me, so the crash came unexpectedly. I looked further back and realized I never dealt with my parent's divorce when I was 10. Further back, that I was very quiet, agonized over social situations and delusional even as a child. As a side note, during my time of grief over the loss of my friend, I had an audible hallucination that terrified me.
I was shocked. Something really is wrong here, I thought. That crash I mentioned came after my first semester of college. At the age of 25 I enrolled in college despite dropping out of highschool at age 16. I had my GED, but with the economy I needed something so I could marry my girlfriend and support us. I completed my first semester pretty successfully, I also had a decent part time job. But the plant shutdown for a week around the same time as winter break. That is when it all came to a head; I had nothing to keep my mind busy anymore. I became depressed and angry and struggled with my social relationships. My delusions returned, as I would internally rant and rave about people. Imagining things they would say to me and how I would verbally eviscerate them. That hadn't even done anything and this would become a daily occurrence.
Eventually this behavior would spill over into reality. I stopped going to church, avoided meeting with friends. I avoided my family; I was trying to hide my problem. Quite frankly I don't know what it even is yet. But then my girlfriend wanted me to meet with an older couple at church to discuss marriage. I was angered and told her I didn't want these people interfering with my life. That reaction was partly because I knew something was wrong with me and I was trying to hide it while still seeking help. The other part is because I am paranoid of them being judgmental towards me. Even that they want to ruin my life. In my mind they are an enemy, even though I know they aren't. It is as difficult to explain as it is to deal with.
My sleeping started to deteriorate, even more so than usual. Between the pressure for meeting with church people and her parents forcing me to pick a date and finally on top of that my health insurance being screwed up for nearly all of january. I felt like my mind was beginning to fracture. My behavior has gotten worse as I try to "handle" all of these problems. A few days ago my girlfriend got upset with me over missing church yet again. I finally broke it to her that I thought something was wrong with me. She didn't understand and I explained that something was wrong with me "mentally" or with my mind rather.
And that is where I'm at right about now. My insurance works, but mental health benefits are... nearly nonexistent. On top of that a mental health professional who accepts my insurance is 113 miles from here. I tried making an appointment with a psychiatrist in town (who doesn't accept my insurance) but was informed that they are not accepting patients.
I guess I am asking for advice on how to be diagnosed and seek treatment. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I know something isn't right. I'm having a difficult time finding the help I need.
A few weeks ago I had some strange and rare moment of clarity. God likely took pity on me and granted me that moment. Because I realized that something was wrong with me. The way I acted, my thoughts and my emotions... None of it made sense to me. I began tracing back my life and looking at decisions and just reactions and so forth. I realized I never got over my friend dying. I thought just within a few months I did and I began championing outreach in my church. I now see that I was on that high after I grieved so bitterly. That high was never meant to last and eventually I would come back down. Only I didn't know that was what was happening to me, so the crash came unexpectedly. I looked further back and realized I never dealt with my parent's divorce when I was 10. Further back, that I was very quiet, agonized over social situations and delusional even as a child. As a side note, during my time of grief over the loss of my friend, I had an audible hallucination that terrified me.
I was shocked. Something really is wrong here, I thought. That crash I mentioned came after my first semester of college. At the age of 25 I enrolled in college despite dropping out of highschool at age 16. I had my GED, but with the economy I needed something so I could marry my girlfriend and support us. I completed my first semester pretty successfully, I also had a decent part time job. But the plant shutdown for a week around the same time as winter break. That is when it all came to a head; I had nothing to keep my mind busy anymore. I became depressed and angry and struggled with my social relationships. My delusions returned, as I would internally rant and rave about people. Imagining things they would say to me and how I would verbally eviscerate them. That hadn't even done anything and this would become a daily occurrence.
Eventually this behavior would spill over into reality. I stopped going to church, avoided meeting with friends. I avoided my family; I was trying to hide my problem. Quite frankly I don't know what it even is yet. But then my girlfriend wanted me to meet with an older couple at church to discuss marriage. I was angered and told her I didn't want these people interfering with my life. That reaction was partly because I knew something was wrong with me and I was trying to hide it while still seeking help. The other part is because I am paranoid of them being judgmental towards me. Even that they want to ruin my life. In my mind they are an enemy, even though I know they aren't. It is as difficult to explain as it is to deal with.
My sleeping started to deteriorate, even more so than usual. Between the pressure for meeting with church people and her parents forcing me to pick a date and finally on top of that my health insurance being screwed up for nearly all of january. I felt like my mind was beginning to fracture. My behavior has gotten worse as I try to "handle" all of these problems. A few days ago my girlfriend got upset with me over missing church yet again. I finally broke it to her that I thought something was wrong with me. She didn't understand and I explained that something was wrong with me "mentally" or with my mind rather.
And that is where I'm at right about now. My insurance works, but mental health benefits are... nearly nonexistent. On top of that a mental health professional who accepts my insurance is 113 miles from here. I tried making an appointment with a psychiatrist in town (who doesn't accept my insurance) but was informed that they are not accepting patients.
I guess I am asking for advice on how to be diagnosed and seek treatment. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I know something isn't right. I'm having a difficult time finding the help I need.
