an affair, true love, overly judgmental parents and fear :(

KayJones87 · Jul 10, 2013

Hi all.
I pose you a question and would greatly value any opinions i can get. I have fallen in love with a wonderful man and can't go any further than dating him in secret. i am recently divorced (finalized in April) and he is single (never been married). We are also in a long distance relationship and live 400 miles apart in different states.

So that and the fact that we met online make things difficult. The worst part is that we met and started talking a few months before i had the money saved up to actually file for divorce from my husband that i never had feelings for at all (we were only married because we were high school sweethearts- each other's first everything- and we were just comfortable and thought it was the next step in life).

We did meet and sleep together before the divorce was filed once and again after my ex moved out and we were just waiting on the divorce papers to be finalized (in my state you are required to wait 60 days) Well. We've been together a year now and i would like to be Facebook friends and get to know his siblings and parents because things are getting serious. Like very serious. we're deeply in love and i can't imagine life without him. He is a very good Christian man and came from a very strict religious household. I was raised Christian too, but had been away from the church for about 12 years (This man actually talked me into going back and im happy to say i love my new Church family!!)

The problem is, he is TERRIFIED to tell anyone about me at all. No one knows he even has a girlfriend and its been a whole year. I understand he couldn't tell anyone while i was still married, but now that we're both single, he still won't. His fear is that his very religious parents will judge us too harshly for the way we met (online and had an affair) and will force us to break up.

How do we go about talking to them and telling them about me without him losing the trust and love of his family and for both of us not to be completely shunned by his family, friends, and everyone who finds out. Do we come completely clean about everything? (We've already repented and have agreed not to sleep with each other until we get married and never commit adultery again) Is it necessary to tell everyone everything? We're both so conflicted about this, but cannot move on with our lives until we do it. thanks for reading.

Life2Christ · Jul 10, 2013

Your wall of text is killing me. Can you break it into paragraphs? Ok that being said I am not going to condemn you even though I feel your relationship is headed over a cliff. If you both love each other then you have take the judgement that will be coming your way and drink it down like bathwater. People will get over it... in time. You have to be a unit ( like Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian) and stand as one.

Oh and for what it is worth, your new boyfriend is now a biblical adulterer by his association with you. Dont be surprised if his parents arent jumping with joy.

You say you repented but...have you read what Jesus says about marriages and adultery? It aint pretty at all.

dayhiker · Jul 10, 2013

Well, Kay, I suspect there is more going on than he is telling you. Like it wouldn't surprise me to learn that he is married. The web has produced 100's of stories like yours where either the woman or the man ends up being married.

But it things are as you say, I don't think you rally know each other. When almost all of the relationship is thru the web the dimensions of that relationship are narrow, there are whole aspects of each other that you don't know yet.

Just what what I've seen being on the web for 25 yrs now.

Life2Christ · Jul 10, 2013

Thanks for fixing! :clap:

it invites more people to read and respond.

KayJones87 · Jul 10, 2013

dayhiker said:
Well, Kay, I suspect there is more going on than he is telling you. Like it wouldn't surprise me to learn that he is married. The web has produced 100's of stories like yours where either the woman or the man ends up being married.

But it things are as you say, I don't think you rally know each other. When almost all of the relationship is thru the web the dimensions of that relationship are narrow, there are whole aspects of each other that you don't know yet.

Just what what I've seen being on the web for 25 yrs now.

He is not married. i know this for a fact. i have visiting his home multiple times. besides i trust him. i find trust an important factor in a relationship and although it is tempting to mistrust your lover when they live in another state, it can also drive you crazy and further apart for no reason than your own insecurities. and im sure im gonna hear the "once a cheater always a cheater" story too. I think our story is a bit different than that though. we didn't cheat for a physical lust filled affair. I was in the process of divorcing my husband and we fell in love and still very much are.

And we spend one night a week asking questions and getting to know each other. Of course we don't know everything about each other. who does in 1 year?

Life2Christ · Jul 10, 2013

OP: if you are looking for validation for this relationship on a christian website you probably wont find it. And if you get support from a christian they are leading you away from God. My heart goes out to you because this is a tough situation. I am not perfect either, I am a former adulterer. So I wont judge but in all fairness this relationship is all wrong compounded by your boyfriend's reluctance. My sincerest advice is to go off in prayer and meditate on God's word about marriage.

KayJones87 · Jul 10, 2013

yeah were probably breaking up which sucks. Yes, we started out wrong, but we are TRYING to do what's right now. Why should we have to end something that might turn out beautiful just because of a mistake that was made in our past. That mistake is between us and God so why does everyone judge so harshly?? The only thing we can do is to break up. Then the general public is satisfied and he will be away from me. And i have read Gods word about marriage. It is a holy union. it should not be taken lightly, divorce is sin, remarriage is continuous adultery. i know all of this. i screwed up a lot in life. I turned away from God at 14. i was not living a Christian lifestyle when i met this man, but were both trying our hardest, but it never seems to be enough. SO much for a forgiving God.

blackribbon · Jul 11, 2013

I would say that there is some reason he isn't telling anyone. He is a grown man. His parents don't have the power to break you up unless he gives them that power. If he gives that kind of power as a grown man, trust me, this isn't even worth trying to save.

That said. Your relationship needs to live a lot closer to determine if it has what it takes to make it for the long haul. Can I suggest that maybe one of you consider relocating...not living together, but actually getting a job and a home so that you can show the world you are a couple and start working on seeing if this is a good fit. That is how you show the world that this is real. "True love" is easy from 400 miles away..."real love" is finding out about the not so pretty side of each other and knowing that you still want to be together.

And no, you are not obligated to share all your secrets with anyone who asks. Beyond what is already public (like you are divorced), much is nobody else's business. If you do pre-marital counseling (which I would HIGHLY advise), make sure your counselor is required to protect your privacy and this would need to be addressed. I honestly can't see how meeting "online" should be seen as an issue once you two actually live in the same area and are really dating in real life.

KayJones87 · Jul 11, 2013

Yes, that's exactly the plan IF i can get him to 'man up' before my lease is out in March. Once my lease is up and we're 'publicly dating' then i plan to move down there in the same city and get a job and just be closer. Im pretty sure he's the one, though, or i wouldn't relocate my life and leave my family and friends and a great job if he was just a fling or i wasn't sure.

MorkandMindy · Jul 11, 2013

Just a possibility but could he be taking the 'children obey their parents' bit incorrectly? It is in the Bible but like everything can easily be misunderstood.

If he is no longer at home and fed by his parents then he is no longer a child of theirs in any functional way, therefore the rule is not applicable. There is also a legal definition and once of age his biological or other parents have no responsibility for him nor he to them.

If his parents hold his remote control then there are two steps to make, firstly to understand that they shouldn't have it, and that means to be 100% convinced they shouldn't have it. People who were once our parents often hold the threat of disinheritance over their offspring. Parents who do that aren't worth keeping.

And second the habit of obedience to them must be broken. If the first step is fully achieved then the second will follow.

I don't believe in dumping just every potential spouse who happens to have any fault, and from what you've written so far he sounds a lot better than most so I would say you can and should overcome the problem.

Life2Christ · Jul 11, 2013

KayJones87 said:
Yes, that's exactly the plan IF i can get him to 'man up' before my lease is out in March. Once my lease is up and we're 'publicly dating' then i plan to move down there in the same city and get a job and just be closer. Im pretty sure he's the one, though, or i wouldn't relocate my life and leave my family and friends and a great job if he was just a fling or i wasn't sure.

Relocate for him? He's already giving you red flags.

dayhiker · Jul 11, 2013

OK, sounds like you guys have hung out together more than I understood from your OP.

blackribbon · Jul 11, 2013

Life2Christ said:
Relocate for him? He's already giving you red flags.

If she is talking about wanting to spend the rest of her life with him, one of them has to relocate. You can't build a relationship from 400 miles away. Relocating is nowhere as big as marriage and is reversible if necessary...(though the job might not be...jobs shouldn't control your life...they are a ways to a means).

Red flags don't mean stop..they mean look carefully and see what the cause is. The red flags may only be caused by issues related to the long distance thing. I moved once to give a relationship a try. It was a much bigger move than this. The relationship did not work out. How much worse would I have been if I had listened to others who thought I should have a "promise" of some sort first? What I have is that I know I gave it the best chance possible of working (I can't imagine trying to go to sleep with the "what ifs" if I hadn't tried and it fell apart)...and I also ended up exactly where God wanted me to be because he has blessed us abundantly in our new area. I believe that he was the crook (as in big pole with hook on it) that pulled me where I wouldn't have gone on my own. She wouldn't be relocating "for him"...but rather "for her...to give this a try." Some of the worse kind of regrets are from not taking a risk.

(However, you don't mention if you have children...but if you do have minor children that you would be leaving behind, I think you need to spend some long hours in prayer over that. Leaving would mean that you are choosing a man over seeing them on a regular basis...and that kind of decision would leave scars that might not ever heal. Our happiness should never be their sacrifice.)

If you have the kind of relationship you believe you have, you need him to be answering straight forward..."why don't you want to tell people about us and what can be do to correct this situation?" That isn't really that hard of a question. But listen carefully because you want to eventually marry a man and not a little boy in man's clothing. It is only charming until life gets hard.

Life2Christ · Jul 11, 2013

I get your points, BR, and they are totally valid. This will definitely be my last comment on this thread but Christians (if you take the bible seriously, that is) should not be endorsing this relationship. Yes, they might in love and all and love is nice. But if his Christian parents are ashamed, they have a right to be.

This life is finite (with the potential for everlasting life) and if you had cancer and I was your doctor I wouldn't say, "just go out and keep living a life and hopefully it will go away." I would be telling you the truth, even if it hurt you. But I know it would be saving your life. The past is the past; you are divorced. But two wrongs don't make a right.

OP, whatever you decide, I wish you luck because I know that you just want to be loved (who doesn't?). You have the God-given right to proceed however you choose. I know life is tough but please be biblically centered about this. Not worldly.

blackribbon · Jul 11, 2013

IF she was still married, I would not be saying what I am...but the marriage is over and the divorce is finalized. There is no way to correct the wrongs committed up to this point, and luckily our God is a forgiving one. I am thinking about the Samaritan woman whom Christ sat and talked to at the well...she was living with a man who was not her husband and yet He never once condemned her for this, instead He offered her Life. We can focus on our past sins or we can focus on living a righteous life this day forward. There is nothing especially righteous about leaving this man at this point. The part that matters is how they handle today and tomorrow not what happened yesterday. I am extremely grateful for a God who truly does wipe our sins away when we ask. She is no longer a married woman. He is not a married man. I say that the focus needs to be on making sure that they get it "right" this time before they get married.

God takes marriage and divorce seriously...but divorce is not the unforgivable sin. It does carry with it a lot of consequences that complicate every relationship afterwards and it hurts people. It is better than we never divorce but even God acknowledged that it happens.

Life2Christ · Jul 11, 2013

blackribbon said:
and luckily our God is a forgiving one. I am thinking about the Samaritan woman whom Christ sat and talked to at the well...she was living with a man who was not her husband and yet He never once condemned her for this, instead He offered her Life.

So where does repentence come in? I know there is no condemnation for those IN Christ but repentence has to come into play at some point in time. Yes our God is a forgiving one and Jesus knew that when he proclaimed his warning in Matthew 19.

memoriesbymichelle · Jul 11, 2013

I would not take very kindly to a man that wants me to be his little secret. You said you have visited him at his house. Did you do this in the dark of night? How did no one see you? IMO, and JMO, I think if he really cared about you the way you want him to, he would be telling everyone and anyone that will listen.

God IS a forgiving God. He DOES forgive you when you ask Him and as you stated you are now trying to make it right. I don't have any issues of the relationship going forward EXCEPT that he doesn't want anyone to know! That is HUGE in my mind, and should be in yours.

As for the issue of trust. There have been many men and women that have been duped for YEARS before finding out their spouse is not who they claim to be and they just didn't know. I would have more trust IF he were willing to show you to the world, but he is not and besides that fact, you just don't know him. One way to "know" if he is really who he says he is, is by meeting his family, friends, co-workers, but since he conveniently wants to keep you from them, there is a reason, trust me on that.
I wish you the best, but I would not make any moves until you are out in the open. I don't think the parents or anyone else needs to know all the details of WHEN you had sex and all that, but how you met shouldn't really be an issue because lots of people meet that way nowadays.

blackribbon · Jul 11, 2013

Life2Christ said:
So where does repentence come in? I know there is no condemnation for those IN Christ but repentence has to come into play at some point in time. Yes our God is a forgiving one and Jesus knew that when he proclaimed his warning in Matthew 19.

John 4:1-26

Tell me where Jesus even asked this woman to repent. He offered Living Water to her even within her current situation and didn't say anything about it.

As for the OP situation, what do you consider "repentance"? Does she need to reconcile with her now EX-husband? what if he doesn't want to reconcile? Does repentance mean she has to be alone forever ... or has to pick an entirely different man?

If I had a baby out of wedlock, "repentance" might include actually marrying the child's daddy... I think she is claiming repentance...and if they are acting honorable now that should be enough.

As for Matt 19, this was a "legal" divorce...there was sexual immorality. If she remarries....or any one else who got divorce for whatever reasons, do you consider a remarriage an infinite state of adultery?

And what about Matt 19, which implies that maybe it is better that no one ever get married because of the fear of divorce...what do you do with this statement?

I do not think that this particular group of verses is the end all of Jesus's stance on marriage. I do not believe that God expect women (or men) who are physically abuse to stay just because there is no sexual immorality. There are verses that say that as married couples our sexuality belongs to the other, so I am not so sure that God would condone a marriage where one person has sexually freezes out the other. Same with someone who does not provide necessities that he is able to provide..food, shelter, etc.

There are people who are divorced who are blameless...but more often there are many little sins that led up to the state where the marriage dissolved. God doesn't call certain sins "big" and others "small"...sin is sin. And luckily, God doesn't keep a tally of all our past downfalls after we come to him with repentance. Clean is clean. God can take what was soiled and turn it into something beautiful. That said, this relationship is starting off with lots of trust issues and other consequences that are the result of its beginnings that the OP will have to address. This isn't a "sin and you get away scott free" ... but really, it isn't our place to determine if she is or isn't repentant. She said she is. Without evidence to the contrary, as Christians we should accept that she is. It isn't our place to judge.

Life2Christ · Jul 11, 2013

blackribbon said:
it isn't our place to determine if she is or isn't repentant.

Agreed. But I would be remiss if I didn't remind her of what the gospel says. I am not going to go against the gospel and that has nothing to do with judging someone. I'm sure if I knew the OP personally I would be friends with her, would not look my nose down at all for cheating. Everyone has cheated at one point.

dayhiker · Jul 11, 2013

I know I'd not move if the guy hadn't introduced me to family and friends. I also don't know what his reason is as my original guess apparently isn't a possibility, yet as stated there is a reason and his family being ashamed of him or his choice seems strange to me. If he is representing his family truthfully, then I'd say he has to move to my area to put distance between me and his family!

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