In my first marriage, my husband had a schedule where he worked 4 12-hour days, 3 12-hour nights, starting at 7. If the days he worked nights fell on the weekdays, which they often did, I wouldn't see him for pretty much those three days... I worked 8-5, but lived an hour from my work, so I'd be gone by 7. He worked an hour away, so he wouldn't be home until 8. If I left at 5, I wouldn't get home until 6, but for a shift at 7, he'd be gone by 6. We'd have zero face-to-face time. First day off he'd want to sleep, so I really didn't see him either. Then during his 7 days off, because I worked for 5 of them, I'd only see him in the evening. During hunting/fishing season, it got worse... On his days off he may be out the door super early, or go out just as I was getting home... We didn't get a lot of time together.
I used to say constantly "I'm really lonely" and he totally wouldn't get what I was saying... I guess I didn't express it right, either. He'd say "I saw you last night" or "we spent Saturday together." He'd get super, duper frustrated because, as far as he was concerned, we saw eachother contantly. In truth, I guess we did, but we had zero quality time together.
In a brief phase of selflessness, he changed his behavior and was home more... And he was home... But he'd either be on Facebook, talking with his friends about the hunting trip he missed, on the phone making plans for when he could go out again, reading books/magazines about hunting, going out to the garage to build/repair/create something to help him hunt, or sitting and talking to me about hunting... So he wasn't really there. I'd sit watching TV while he was nose deep in his phone texting his friends about the trip that he'd have gone on, if only he didn't have to stay home with his lonely wife.
When this didn't fix the problem, he finally just told me that what I wanted wasn't making me feel better, so what was the point. He went back to what he always did. Then I fell truly ignored as, when given the active choice, I didn't do enough to make him want to be with me. So now not only is he not around, he's not around because of me. Let's talk for a moment what a toilet bowl that made me feel like.
So, from your husband's point-of-view, I can say that if both of you work, a Sunday (which represents maybe 25-50% of a 9-5ers days off) and two nights a week, yeah, that means you're gone a lot. More importantly, it means there's a big part of your life that he feels is unavailable to him. I can see why he'd be upset (especially if it's time spent with your father... Does he run the church you're a part of?). He may feel like you're more dependent on that then him, and you know, it is a terrible feeling.
And I get you say that you've stayed home to appease him, but did you have quality time together? Or were you just home? Being home and talking about church, what you're missing, what they're doing, talking to others about they did in church after... Again, I get the frustration. You're scratching your head saying "I was home, I don't get it" and he's saying "she was at home and still managed to go to church." He didn't get the quality time he wanted, and the message that was sent wasn't "I gave this up to be with you because I'd rather spend the evening with you," the message was "I didn't go to church because it bugs my husband and he won't let me/doesn't want me to go." Sarcastic comments and the silent treatment, yeah, it's rude, it's uncalled for... But it's usually a response to something else. One doesn't pop out with "I'm sure they're getting by at church without you" as a conversation starter, out of nowhere. It's an solicited comment, either through behavior or actions, like fixating on church and what you're missing.
What I tend to suspect is happening here is he feels he's not getting quality time with you, and he feels like church is the problem, so he gets irritated. You stay behind physically to appease him, but mentally you're off at church and you guys still aren't having quality time. Your act of contrition is actually interpreted as a negative, because you're still showing you would rather be elsewhere and not with him. He gets similarly or more irritated. Instead of turning to him and having the discussion or argument and finding out what you two can do to help each other, you feel like you need fortification... So you go to church. And thus the cycle goes around again.
I'm not sure that the guy is abusive, just a poor communicator of his emotions, and through either mutual poor communication of emotions, people make the wrong choices and/or act out... Her by going to church, him by lashing out.
Is your father at church? He may feel threatened or irritated at the idea that you've not given up your life as a daughter and accepted your role of life as a wife. Or he may thing that you badmouth his non-attendance/beliefs to your father, relying on your father and the church, not your marital relationship, for strength. All legitimate issues to be discussed.
In the end, finding a way to communicate is a big key. My first husband and I could spend the whole day at home together, but him doing one thing and me doing the other, then I'd say "I feel really lonely" and he would get so irritated. My husband now... Well, yesterday we had the kids overnight and through the morning. He dropped them off at 9, I worked 8-12 in my office, taking two 1-hour breaks. We went to one of the other kid's school events together from 12-1, I fell asleep on the couch at 2. When we went for our run at 4, I said "Man, I feel like I haven't seen you all day. I really miss you." He said "Me too, we've barely been together all day." Realistically, we were together from 9am for the whole day. In terms of quality time, it wasn't until 4 or 5 when we went for our run that we had a moment to look at each other and BE together in terms of quality time. He understood and agreed, and we fixed it by having a ton of quality time that night. And all was good with the world.
Ugh. >.< He should be thrilled you love God more then him. Some spouses feel denied if their spouse does more christian activity then they do. And admittedly you can be so busy with your christian life that you forget about your spouse. Whatever the reasoning or feeling he has saying he will end it is just immature and shows his lack of understanding what a christian marriage is.
I'm pretty sure a Christian marriage isn't telling your husband that you're going to church however you want and if you don't like the fact that we don't spend time together then suck it up. Love of God is great, loving God so much you ignore your husband... Not good. And a spouse feeling like their other spouse is so wrapped up in God that they could be there or not be there is hardly a sign that they're immature... It's a sign there's a very real problem that they're feeling has broken the marriage. Probably better to address it then say "You're immature and should be grateful I love God more then I love you."
