Communication and Feelings in Marriage

I agree, Chaz. For those who have fallen so out of good habits, they need to start creating new ones. This is a way to do that, and it just gives structure.

I wish I knew in my past (marriages) what I know now about communication. Well, at one time I did, but then built my own wall of protection from those who also chose not to communicate properly. Now I am in the process of knocking bricks down so I can do it right again with my God-given spouse.

If truth needs to be spoken, just man up and speak it. Don't let fear squelch the rightness of truth. The issue when there is a CONFESSION that needs to be made is the infraction itself, not the wife's reaction. To focus on that takes all the focus off where it needs to be...the sin that has caused the hurt in the first place.

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Most people can not handle the truth, not even about ourselves. There has been alot of talk here about anger, but little about hurt. When married people hurt each other how to they work out amends. It is hurting people who shut down communications.
When you hurt someone to you get to just "confess" & say I'm sorry, or is there not some legwork that has to be done to restore the relationship.

Honesty is key..But who wants to admit they are mean, hateful, self centered or
that they regret the marriage choice they made? These things are the nature of sin as well as being controlling, manuniplating or needy or a doormat using God for an excuse to do any of it.

Is part of learning to ^reason not learning to be honest? Now then what do we do
with making up for the hurt we have caused? Nothing just demand forgiveness? OR
is there action that should be taken? Thoughts?

If Not For Grace said:

Most people can not handle the truth, not even about ourselves. There has been alot of talk here about anger, but little about hurt. When married people hurt each other how to they work out amends. It is hurting people who shut down communications.
When you hurt someone to you get to just "confess" & say I'm sorry, or is there not some legwork that has to be done to restore the relationship.

Honesty is key..But who wants to admit they are mean, hateful, self centered or
that they regret the marriage choice they made? These things are the nature of sin as well as being controlling, manuniplating or needy or a doormat using God for an excuse to do any of it.

Is part of learning to ^reason not learning to be honest? Now then what do we do
with making up for the hurt we have caused? Nothing just demand forgiveness? OR
is there action that should be taken? Thoughts?

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True, people cannot handle the truth, and while we proclaim, often unbelievably so, some motive steeped in purity of integrity, pretty much things are white washed. Threads here in the past have stated that no matter what the single most horrible thing ever ever ever is a lie. But, it takes about 3 minutes to show that every single person lies every single day.....zero exceptions. This infatuation with lie hatred , not intentionally, is really an infatuation with demanding to hear the things we feel we want to hear....or say.

Frustrated people also shut off communications. This is why its so important to have couples understand how there are virtues in all manner of communication, and to at the very least have a rudimentary understanding of both the so called feelings based, and logic based modes.

That's why I struggle with those lists, they flat exclude any factual things, that they are made absolutes makes them problematic. I could no more follow those scripts than take on a Victorian character for communication.

My MIL and FIL were tasked with being marriage mentors in theor church, married 55 years, it kinda makes sense. The training started with these rules and lists, and these two bicker and jab all the time.....they both cracked up telling the story of how they tried to follow these and couldnt, so they quit

CoolMom6 said:

Hi Jane and everyone! I have to take some time again to review all the sections and posts, but I'm an oldster on here who just returned...

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HI!!!!!!!!!!!
You are SOOO much not an oldster, lol. Good to see you here B.

TW is doing fine, although he is having surgery this morning, so I know he would appreciate prayer.

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Conservativation said:

True, people cannot handle the truth, and while we proclaim, often unbelievably so, some motive steeped in purity of integrity, pretty much things are white washed. Threads here in the past have stated that no matter what the single most horrible thing ever ever ever is a lie. But, it takes about 3 minutes to show that every single person lies every single day.....zero exceptions. This infatuation with lie hatred , not intentionally, is really an infatuation with demanding to hear the things we feel we want to hear....or say.

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I disagree. Some people CAN handle the truth and want it more than anything. I'm one of them. This "infatuation with lie hatred" is a godly one...God is not one who puts up with fakeness and dishonesty so why should we? I'm not saying I've never lied, but I do strive to be honest, and I expect the same from anyone I have a relationship with. You can't be truly intimate without granting the basic respect of honesty. If I wanted to hear the things I want to hear, I wouldn't have pressed for the whole truth from my husband which was completely devastating...but necessary for rebuilding to occur. Had he not given me the whole truth I would have thrown in the towel. It was not the easy way, but it was the right way for both of us.

If Not For Grace said:

Most people can not handle the truth, not even about ourselves. There has been alot of talk here about anger, but little about hurt. When married people hurt each other how to they work out amends. It is hurting people who shut down communications.
When you hurt someone to you get to just "confess" & say I'm sorry, or is there not some legwork that has to be done to restore the relationship.

Honesty is key..But who wants to admit they are mean, hateful, self centered or
that they regret the marriage choice they made? These things are the nature of sin as well as being controlling, manuniplating or needy or a doormat using God for an excuse to do any of it.

Is part of learning to ^reason not learning to be honest? Now then what do we do
with making up for the hurt we have caused? Nothing just demand forgiveness? OR
is there action that should be taken? Thoughts?

Click to expand...

I think there is usually action that can be taken beyond an apology, I guess it depends on the situation involved. In our case, the confessions involved infidelity so actions taken to restore/rebuild included going to counselling, willingly demonstrating openness and transparency in all aspects of day-to-day life, listening to and showing empathy for my feelings, expressing remorse, etc. A simple, "Yeah, I did that, I'm sorry," followed by no change in behaviour wouldn't have accomplished anything...I would know, bc we did that dance many times before that wasn't good enough anymore. If a confession is worth anything it will be followed by repentance...which will be evident in word and deed and attitude, imo.

dreamer1982 said:

I disagree. Some people CAN handle the truth and want it more than anything. I'm one of them. This "infatuation with lie hatred" is a godly one...God is not one who puts up with fakeness and dishonesty so why should we? I'm not saying I've never lied, but I do strive to be honest, and I expect the same from anyone I have a relationship with. You can't be truly intimate without granting the basic respect of honesty. If I wanted to hear the things I want to hear, I wouldn't have pressed for the whole truth from my husband which was completely devastating...but necessary for rebuilding to occur. Had he not given me the whole truth I would have thrown in the towel. It was not the easy way, but it was the right way for both of us.

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ITA. I have always wanted the truth. (Jack Nicholson is springing to mind right now yelling YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH, lol.) In our relationships, honesty is vital. I don't care about day to day scenario or work, where I try to be honest, and don't deliberately lie, but probably some lies of omission, or whatever, but with my h - I want him to tell me the truth, and I want to be able to tell him the truth. I hate the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]-footing around and walking on eggshells nonsense. Just tell me how it is and allow me to tell you how it is.

I think its more likely ..just as likley not that "most people cant handle the truth"..but in marriage..the liar chooses to lie becasue they dont WANT to handle the consequences of the truth being known to the other one.They dont want to DEAL with the truth themsleves as it pertains to thier spouse being made aware.

So instead of most people cant "handle" the truth..I would say MANY people cant HANDLE being HONEST..Even though I dont like the term "cant"..its more like many people choose to hide for their own comfort and to avoid any negative consequences.Saying the other one cant "handle" the truth is a cop out..They very well CAN handle it..you just may not like HOW they handle it..there is a clear difference.

Dallas

Edial said:

I am curious about you married folks.

We all know that according to Genesis 3 each woman's sinful nature has a tendency to "desire" her husband (Hebrew word means to manipulate, know which buttons to push) and each man's sinful nature has a tendency to bluntly rule over her.

If each side realizes his her weaknesses, wouldn't the marriage be an easy(er) thing to fix?

What am I missing here?

Thanks,
In Christ,
Ed

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Genesis 3:16
I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you."
NIV

OT:8669

OT:8669 teshuwqah (tesh-oo-kaw'); from OT:7783 in the original sense of stretching out after; a longing:

(Biblesoft's New Exhaustive Strong's Numbers and Concordance with Expanded Greek-Hebrew Dictionary. Copyright © 1994, 2003 Biblesoft, Inc. and International Bible Translators, Inc.)


That word just means desire. You could insert the word want in there just as easily. It's actually the man with the ruling tendency as part of the curse, and her longing for her husband, is what enabled him to have the power to rule over her.