In the thread about if you would date a girl who wasn't a virgin because she had been raped it was an easy 'no' for me because I know married people with those dynamics and the end game seems to be the wife refusing to have sex with her husband, while it wasn't a problem before they got married. Eventually the issue came back and BAM! sexless marriage after a few years. With that in mind, I'm meeting women with kids, crazy ex's, crazy parents, weird job schedules, odd religious beliefs etc... How much is too much baggage? Did God address this in the Bible or is it something we have to decide on our own?
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How much baggage is too much?
- Thread starter Gabe7
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Thunder Peel
You don't eat a peacock until it's cooked.
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SneakerPimp53
Becoming X
Any amount of baggage that will not allow her to act as if her only purpose in life is to service my needs is too much.
/sarcasm
/sarcasm
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kingoffools13
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K9_Trainer
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Alan Scot
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Tough call.
This is honestly one of those questions where there's no "right" answer, but I'll try to give you one or two anyway.
First off, not to sound pessimistic, but whatever a particular person's "baggage" is, if you don't think you can handle it, chances are you're right
(and in a case like that, you probably wind up hurting both of you if you try)
But let's say you've met someone and you're already heavily attracted to them, but they've been hiding their "baggage" (no surprise, most people will) and now - after already committing your emotions to this person - you find out about it.
This is the point where you have to be strong, and wise. And honestly, the first thought that runs through your head when you find out will be telling.
If your first thought is "oh Lord, how awful; I want to comfort you", then you've got a shot at being strong enough to handle it.
If your first thought is "whoa, how is this going to affect me", then - not to be critical - but chances are you're not ready for this.
One thing to keep in mind if you do choose to have a relationship with someone who's been victimized in the past: Some people - and sad to say women especially seem prone to this - have emotional attachments to the one that hurt them that can be extremely difficult to overcome. Be aware that you might treat your significant other like a king or a queen, only to ultimately have them dump you for that person that made them feel like scum. They may even justify it by saying that "God is leading them" back to that person.
I know it doesn't make sense, but trust me, it happens a lot, so be prepared
This is honestly one of those questions where there's no "right" answer, but I'll try to give you one or two anyway.
First off, not to sound pessimistic, but whatever a particular person's "baggage" is, if you don't think you can handle it, chances are you're right
(and in a case like that, you probably wind up hurting both of you if you try)
But let's say you've met someone and you're already heavily attracted to them, but they've been hiding their "baggage" (no surprise, most people will) and now - after already committing your emotions to this person - you find out about it.
This is the point where you have to be strong, and wise. And honestly, the first thought that runs through your head when you find out will be telling.
If your first thought is "oh Lord, how awful; I want to comfort you", then you've got a shot at being strong enough to handle it.
If your first thought is "whoa, how is this going to affect me", then - not to be critical - but chances are you're not ready for this.
One thing to keep in mind if you do choose to have a relationship with someone who's been victimized in the past: Some people - and sad to say women especially seem prone to this - have emotional attachments to the one that hurt them that can be extremely difficult to overcome. Be aware that you might treat your significant other like a king or a queen, only to ultimately have them dump you for that person that made them feel like scum. They may even justify it by saying that "God is leading them" back to that person.
I know it doesn't make sense, but trust me, it happens a lot, so be prepared
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Alan Scot
Writer of Words, Slave of Parrots
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Lemme define one thing here while I'm at it.
(not being critical of the OP; just wanted to be clear on something)
In my definition, a woman who's been victimized by violence, mental abuse or infidelity doesn't have "baggage". You don't get "baggage" from something that's done to you. "Baggage" is something you create in and of yourself.
The heart and mind of a woman who's been a victim of betrayal can be very fragile things. Even kindness can sometimes be received negatively because you're dealing with someone whose trust has been abused. You may have to explain - and even apologize for - things that were meant with good intentions.
If you really love someone, understand that, accept it, and work to heal it. But also know you might not be able to. We're men. Our gut instinct is to "fix" anything that's wrong, but one of the hardest lessons any man has to learn is that there are some things you just can't "fix" and you have to allow a woman time to heal on her own.
(not being critical of the OP; just wanted to be clear on something)
In my definition, a woman who's been victimized by violence, mental abuse or infidelity doesn't have "baggage". You don't get "baggage" from something that's done to you. "Baggage" is something you create in and of yourself.
The heart and mind of a woman who's been a victim of betrayal can be very fragile things. Even kindness can sometimes be received negatively because you're dealing with someone whose trust has been abused. You may have to explain - and even apologize for - things that were meant with good intentions.
If you really love someone, understand that, accept it, and work to heal it. But also know you might not be able to. We're men. Our gut instinct is to "fix" anything that's wrong, but one of the hardest lessons any man has to learn is that there are some things you just can't "fix" and you have to allow a woman time to heal on her own.
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