Is it OCD or the devil, or is it ME

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pkhaney said:

What do you do when you know you've given into the thoughts and taken ownership of them after five years of struggle to overcome them. They have brainwashed my mind against God as they have become me instead of just thoughts and it's all my fault. Knowing it was satan from the beginning of time didn't help me in overcoming it. I had to correct every bad thought in my mind and make it a good thought before I was satisfied. Then it became a temptation to me to curse God, the holy spirit, Jesus his precious son, holyghost and I gave into those temptations thus cursing God myself. Then I would lay at night and worry about my salvation and try and use fear as a driver to make me do good. Then I had thoughts that God would forgive me and I would get away with it............. I hate life, I hate living, I hate life....................... Im tired of being sick everyday of my life. Im wore out from it, exhausted. I have spent days where I repeated good thoughts inside my mind like stuck record to right the wrong I had done until I"m exhausted. I can't take it anymore but what is my choice?

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What if none of these thoughts mattered to anyone but you? What if you are just tormenting yourself for no good reason? Then maybe you would be able to choose to forgive yourself and stop wasting your own time and energy.

This is me right now. I told my uncle that I feel possessed by something or someone who isn't me. I was just diagnosed with Pure O but it's starting to feel like all these thoughts that OCD give me are real and true and I keep praying and praying to God to help me, to bring me back to his love and salvation and safe like I once was but he's not answering. I've asked my uncle who is going into the seminary (my family are very strict catholics and we know alot of priests) to ask a priest is a exorcism is necessary because this isn't me. I'm you right now...not feeling the need or will to live. I think all we can do is keep praying and believing some day soon God will answer our prayers. I've noticed keeping my mind occupied like listening to classical music sometimes helps me stop thinking of the thoughts. Try something like that..try to keep your mind clean.

Dear brother,

I have soo been there with the whole-day trying-to-change-bad-thoughts-into-good-thoughts to the point of exhaustion thing. For me I would get these blasphemous thoughts against the Holy Spirit and then I would have to pray and pray for forgiveness until I felt I had prayed right, by which time the next thought would already be there so it was a never-ending cycle some days.

However, you need to understand how OCD works. Every time you try to change the bad thought into a good thought you are performing a compulsion. The compulsion will feed the OCD and make it worse. That's why you will never feel better by compulsively trying to make good thoughts. What you have to do instead is just ignore the thoughts, no matter how bad they seem or how you may worry that they are actually coming deliberately from you (I had this worry too and so have many on this board so it seems to be typical OCD). Just try to be completely unphased when a thought comes and just say to yourself: "Oh look, another OCD thought. What a boring waste of my time." Then redirect your attention to something else. I know it's really hard to ignore the thoughts because you will feel anxious and guilty: this is part of the OCD. However, if you can manage to do so, you will see that the frequency of thoughts will become less and so will the anxiety. If you really don't feel you can manage without changing the bad thoughts to good thoughts, you could set yourself a 10 minute slot every day when you allow yourself to do so, but do NOT do it outside of the allotted time. When you're feeling better you could then get rid of the 10 minutes.

Try it. You will see a difference. And don't worry that you are now doing these thoughts deliberately. As mentioned, most of us feel the same. If you were doing it deliberately you wouldn't be the least bit worried about it. I have been free of OCD for 4 years now after suffering with it for 16 years and the only way I could get free was ignore the thoughts as described above and to TRUST that God knows better than me whether each thought is my fault or not and to give it over completely to Him instead of trying to control my own salvation, which I am powerless to do.

Hope this helps.

HeatherG

The only way I know to stop or lessen intrusive thoughts is to totally de-value them and not attend to them at all. This doesn't mean you don't care that you're having them. It simply means you stop the compulsion of trying to stop them, block them or counter them. That compulsion reinforces the intrusive thoughts. Praying for you. Glad you are seeking professional help. I encourage you to continue to do so.

I agree with kaykay. If you are feeling suicidal you must get some professional help right away. You are too important to put yourself at risk.

pkhaney said:

My mind is so sick you wouldn't understand. I've tried to keep my mind clear and not think the thoughts but I always think the thoughts no matter what. I just give up, and give in and repeat the thoughts over and over and over. One thing I've noticed is I want to think the way I feel inside. I have no love, respect, fear of God anymore, I don't pray anymore haven't for about three years there just doesn't seem to be any point in it.

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If you ask me, there really is no point in it. Trust your feelings.

I spent four years of my life trying to overcome this and cleaning up my mind, praying and begging God to deliver me from this, to help me lay it down at the feet of Jesus, to help me not to be addicted to the thoughts, to not feel like I want to think the thoughts but all to no avail. I finally gave up and just tried to fight one day at a time. But I'm in the worst shape I've ever been in. I've said I f the hs in my mind so many times that I do believe I've blasphemed the hs, the hg, Jesus, God all of it. I have no remorse for my sin any longer, can't repent, nothing, no love for God or Jesus. Even though I know it's satan doesn't help me to stop doing it.

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I would stop beating yourself up. It is what you are doing to yourself that is the issue. There are no others involved. No one is being sinned against. No one is influencing your thoughts. Take ownership, stop being afraid of yourself and forgive yourself. Once you realize you are entirely in control and nothing can hurt you but yourself, your anxiety will recede. You may feel you deserve to punish yourself but you do not.

I've tried to commit suicide 4x over this. But now I'm afriad to do it becasue I know where I'm going I dont' know why but I can't seem to focus on good things and keep my mind there. It's become a habit in my mind and I'm really struggling with it. Sometimes I lay in bed all day trying to repeat good thoughts I feel like it's teh only way I can control my thoughts is by not doing anyhting but laying there.

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As others have said it may be better to try to forgive yourself than to try to fight yourself. It is just fear that is making you compulsive. It feels real and is very hard to live with. But you can be your own worst enemy or your own best friend. You do have the ability. It is not your fault - you do not deserve to have OCD. You may need someone else to help you see things more clearly and to help you help yourself.

pkhaney said:

The blasphemous thoughts for me are not random and just come every now and then. They are constant the whole time Im awake. I've tried clearing my mind and telling myself to keep my mind clear, to stop all thoughts. I've tried scaring myself with scriptures to fear God and be afraid of going to hell only to give back into the thoughts. They have been an active part of my life everyday for 5 years. I've tried to commit suciide 4x I believed the only way I could stop cursing him was to be dead. I was willing to die to stop doing it.

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There is no one listening to your thoughts.
What you think does not matter to anyone but you.
Killing yourself does no one any good because no one is affected by your thoughts.
So let go of this cross straight away.

But then I realized by killing myself would put me into hell right away so now I won't do it. I've been to psychiatrist and currently seeing one right now, I've tried cognitive behavior therapy for six months but it doens't work with cursing OCD only the handwashing, and fear of doing things. etc ......... I've been to two therapist both christians. I've tried analyzing why would I want to curse God in my mind, I've spent days where I just repeated good thoughts in my mind and at the same time the cursing thoughts are there, two thoughts in my mind at the same time. the cursing thoughts brainwash me against God they become who you are.

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Try a therapist who is not religious. This may give you a fresh perspective. The focus of your obsession is god so maybe you need to give yourself a break from this. OCD is a trick the mind plays on itself - there is always a focus of obsession and it can be all sorts of things, none of which actually matter at all. Your therapist needs to diffuse your obsession and not legitimize it.

The bible says as a man thinks so is he, that's me. Even though I know inside I don't want to curse God it doesn't stop me from doing it. I no longer have any hope, Im tired, really tired and exhausted from this sin. A part of me is angry with God for putting this on me. He had the power to stop satan but he didn't just like Job.

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What are you really worried about? Is it offending an abstract idea or is it that you cannot seem to control yourself? Forget the former. Like I say, no one but you will take offence at your thoughts. So you are just left with feeling scared of yourself. Well, you should not be scared of yourself - be good to yourself and forgive yourself. It's not your fault. If you stop feeling guilty and scared and give yourself a break then, with help, you'll end up feeling so much better.
Good luck and you are very important so go easy on yourself.

pkhaney said:

I am amazed at the replies from everyone seem to the same. It's not my fault I have OCD or that I curse God in my mind against my will. I hate it. I wrote to my pastor also and he said to me if it did not matter to God would I still be upset this is the same as the first reply I received and made me think it had to be from God I am going to church on Sunday and am going to try and turn things around. I've been avoiding church because of my fear of God and the eternity. I didn't want to put myself thru it. I've been to church before and the fear would overwhelm me and I would beg God to forgive me and pray for him to help me not to be addicted to the cursing thoughts and to lay it down at the feet of Jesus all to no avail, eventually I gave up and for the past two years just fought it one day at a time but always failing in the site of God. Why does there have to be this great fear of him, I hate this side of God I really do.

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Well, as you gather I don't believe gods or devils exist at all. I think it is all in peoples' humble imaginations.
But, even if there were a god, I simply cannot imagine any god worth your attention would give a rats backside about your thoughts. Any loving god will only be concerned for your happiness.

Thoughts are just thoughts - they are born of your own imagination. They are, quite literally, your own thoughts. You are clearly distressed and punishing yourself far more than any benevolent deity ever would!

So give yourself a break and try not to be afraid of anything because if there is a god he will love you and forgive you whatever you do and if there isn't you have nothing to fear anyhow. Focus on managing yourself and do what you need to do and not what you think anyone or anything else expects. It won't matter to anyone but you if you go back to church or not - so if you do, do it only because it is something you think will make you feel better.

The good news is no one will ever punish you as much as you are punishing yourself right now. The other good news is that you can and will learn to take full responsibility for your problem and learn to be good to yourself.

pkhaney said:

I want to tell you a story that is true event. Years ago I was in my twenty's I had this problem with blasphemous thoughts. It made me sick, scared and besides myself. My pastor told me to go on a fast. I tried and at first it was just too hard but eventually I pushed myself to do it and I fasted three days. During the fast the thouhgts would come and I would just say no to them I want no part of it and they would subside. During the fast I spent three days in the evening praying to God and I would just praise him during the fast and tell him I loved him. That was it that was all I did. When the fast was over that night the demons came to me again with the blasphemous thoughts and again I said NO. I felt something lift off of me. I truly believe the blasphemous thoughts are demonic related and that is why I can't belive a therapist that I have OCD.

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Demonic related? I get those too. I feel as if someone who isn't me is inside of my body taking hold of me. I've asked my Pastor for an exorcist and he said I'm exaggerating and no demon is inside of me. My uncle, who is a theology teacher down at one of the college's here said that I might have an Obsession by a demon and I need to get it checked, I know how you feel though. I feel so empty inside...no love from anyone not even God in my heart. I'm praying for you though

pkhaney said:

Twenty years ago this issue started with me and my preacher told me I needed to fast. At first it was hard to me but I eventually did it for three days. Every day I would have the blapshemous thoughts and I would say no Jesus I don't want them. The third night I had these thoughts while I was asleep and again I replied the same, I felt a spirit lift off me. The reason I am still having the problem is one day I sensed the thoughts and said OK I can handle this and immediately I felt the spirit come back. I should have realized that only God did it, not me. I hope this helps you.

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I've been praying and asking God,Mary,Jesus,Joseph and everyone else in Heaven for help with this but no one seems to want to answer me. Last month I went ghost hunting with friends and used this app on his phone to see if there were any ghosts. My pastor said that coulda been used as a gate way to demons to me. He said I'm not possessed though...but my uncle thinks a demon is obsessed with me. But thank you for the help, im going to try to fast and read my bible every night.

Nickieb03 said:

I've been praying and asking God,Mary,Jesus,Joseph and everyone else in Heaven for help with this but no one seems to want to answer me. Last month I went ghost hunting with friends and used this app on his phone to see if there were any ghosts. My pastor said that coulda been used as a gate way to demons to me. He said I'm not possessed though...but my uncle thinks a demon is obsessed with me. But thank you for the help, im going to try to fast and read my bible every night.

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I'm not in heaven but I'll answer you. Trust me, there are no ghosts and there are no demons. It is extremely unhelpful for your uncle to tell you a demon is obsessed with you and it is nonsense. Perhaps you want there to be demons and ghosts but at some point you really need to take responsibility for yourself. The idea that a mobile phone can be a gateway for demons is fantasy. So relax, keep eating and don't take your own imagination so seriously.

PkHaney, these blasphemous thoughts about God are demon-related. I have had these types of thoughts in the past as well. I still have horrible thoughts that come into my mind and sometimes it is hard for me to tell where they came from, but most, if not all, are demon-related. Sometimes I still get upset over thoughts that come into my mind.

I didn't have a problem with thoughts coming into my mind until I was about sixteen years old. I had watched one of the Omen movies with some friends and from there on I began dealing with bad thoughts. Do you remember a point in time when the thoughts began for you?

If you are truly saved you have an eternity in Heaven with God. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He does not want you to commit suicide.

Sometimes I think of this Bible verse: Ephesians 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."

Don't give up on praying to God for help.

Dear PK,

I don't know whether the thoughts are demon related or not. To me there is no conflict in saying you have OCD and also that Satan is attacking you because I believe Satan uses all kinds of means to attack God's children whenever he can. However, he is a defeated enemy.

It seems you had some success before when you praised God during your fast. How about if every time you have a blasphemous thought you deliberately praise and worship God in your heart. I reckon Satan would soon get fed up with that. It's a form of spiritual warfare, and anyway, it's always good to praise our mighty God. The devil comes to kill and destroy and would love for you to have suicidal thoughts. Don't let him have a foothold but respond by praising God, no matter how you feel.

Remember, these thoughts are not who you are. Don't claim them as your own. You don't need to give them any attention at all.

HeatherG

pkhaney said:

I want to tell you a story that is true event. Years ago I was in my twenty's I had this problem with blasphemous thoughts. It made me sick, scared and besides myself. My pastor told me to go on a fast. I tried and at first it was just too hard but eventually I pushed myself to do it and I fasted three days. During the fast the thouhgts would come and I would just say no to them I want no part of it and they would subside. During the fast I spent three days in the evening praying to God and I would just praise him during the fast and tell him I loved him. That was it that was all I did. When the fast was over that night the demons came to me again with the blasphemous thoughts and again I said NO. I felt something lift off of me. I truly believe the blasphemous thoughts are demonic related and that is why I can't belive a therapist that I have OCD.

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What Heather said above is pretty much what I believe as well.

satan is not bigger than God. ocd is not bigger than God. nor are our tendacies bigger than God. i used to think about this all the time, spend so much energy but all i knew was the Lord had the power to deliver and did my best to keep my eyes on Him. God loves us and knows we hate these thoughts, we are lovely in His eyes for saying no to them and yes to Him, even when it hurts us. praise Him