Opinion: How long to heal?

Most experts say and i agree after having went through it 1 year for every 4 you were married

it depends upon you in all reality.

Estimated guesses are just that...estimated guesses.

but there are some benchmarks...

first off...get a life...and I don't mean that in a mean way or joking way either.

Get settled in being single...become stable...a solid group of friends and relationships and routines for yourself...including your children...

Then...if and when you are stable enough to begin giving of yourself once again consistantly on a regular basis you can date. Mind the kids...they are fragile...much more so than you and any relationships they form with a "dating partner" can end up disasterous if all of a sudden one day they are removed from their lives. They will be hurt much more so than you by a relationship that went south.

from someone who has been there and done that...

iambren said:

I dated my wife for 5 years ,married 15 years, two children around age 10.

What is your average time-estimate to be emotionally healed from this spouse after divorce?

How about after 5 years, 10 years, 25 years?

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Time becomes super relative here. The key is to make sure you are being productive in your healing. For me it took several years before I could talk to my ex wife and NOT get emotionally riled up. But I worked through it. Its okay to mourn, and cry and to hit rock bottom. But you must move forward in life and in Love. 8 Years later I have a good sense of closure and healing, a lot of that came from my ex-wife. No matter how alone you feel no matter how far along in the process you are.. you will never be doing this alone.

Warrior Poet

Well, there are no hard and rigid rules on how long it takes to heal.

People say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" - ehhh - I think the opposite is true (fortunately). I believe absence makes the heart grow apathetic. Carry on with your life - and you'll find that the more you focus on what truly is - the less you'll spend worrying about "what should've been".

lets put it this way...I know you don't want to wait...but you really need to.

Friends with benefits...well...yeah...hey it is understandable...but not wise at all.
If you need to get a restraining order against your ex..do so. LOL

The older you get the more "hot property" you become...(fewer men your age)

So women will always be available for you...(they live longer)

like I said originally...set more about setting up your single life and being stable in it than worrying about dating.
IF I were you I just wouldn't...too much can happen eh?

"The key is to make sure you are being productive in your healing."

That's my overall input, put better than I could have done myself.

You were in a long term relationship with kids nonetheless. It's going to take some time. You get sick of hearing that, but in the end when you can look back while looking up, you'll see it was right.

I encourage all to try and work it out, but it takes two and if that was the most approachable obstacle, most of us wouldn't have ended it to begin with. But do try. Another thing I want to add to the "productive healing" thing, is to stop and think about every decision. You will be such a better and happier person if you can look back during this period and know you gave it all you had and that you have no regrets on how you did it.

Make the right decsions now, and the path is much smoother later.

Good luck to all involved.

ummm yeah.

Don't go to her house except the front porch to pick up kids...anything more than that and it is going to cause trouble.

I won't step foot in my Ex's house and she knows she is not welcome in mine. For a whole list of reasons.

Being amicable with an ex spouse is good for the children though. Do be pleasant enough to keep conversations going about the children. They need that! Don't belittle their mother nor should their mother belittle you. (within their earshot)
They love both of you equally.

As far as the pool goes...I wouldn't have done it. but since you have...make it your last trip.

I'm sorry if I'm being redundant over a point that may have been discussed before.

But...

I know that you (Iambren) have toyed with the "friends with benefits" thing with someone else...so that might be what you're referring to. What I'm confused on is - are you also having sex with your ex wife right now?

Yeah - that's why I was asking...lol

I wanted to know if something had changed!

It's only been 6.5 months since I left him, and 3 since the divorce.

I determined today would be a bit of 'spring cleaning' if you will for my Facebook and was going to try to download all my albums so I could edit them, but couldn't I still have up all the pictures of our 'happy family' from the time we were married and before...

We have a 16 month old together, and I want to ensure all the photos of the three of us, and even my ex and I, remain in tact for my son, as I want him to form his own opinions about his father, and not those I have formed for myself.

This is a good topic, one which I certainly am interested in finding the answer for...

Did it matter in the duration for any of you whether or not it was an unhealthy marriage (not to think a healthy marriage would end in divorce, but perhaps more of the epitome of bad...) or not?

iambren said:

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No one, no one can discern HER issues so creates an impasse. I WISH it was my issues because then I could do something about it. It has been my "food for thought" for 14 years. Just this evening at her home I talked with her. I said "Hon, I still love you, this week as we worked together so well I felt you draw closer to me, we have a history and 2 great kids together. Of all the women in the world I would choose you to make love to. It hurts me deeply to not have a relationship with you but I want sex in my life. I want touching and affection in my life. So I can see that you want to keep that wall there; I'll move on to seek love elsewhere but for me it's very,very sad"

Now, MK, given my history with you I know you would love to find so many ways that I could have done wrong, or could have done better, or how she might be touched this way or that....and you would be wrong.
Ministers,psychologists,best friends and relatives, cannot understand her. This is one where you'll have to gulp really hard and say affection/sexuality left the husband abandoned and it was NOT HIS FAULT.

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I am sorry if I have given you the impression that I would like to blame you, because that isn't the case.

What you said to her was wonderful. Maybe it will get her thinking...I don't know. I can't think of anything more you could have done. I pray she will realize what is going on, because it really is up to her now.

It actually sounds as though you are close to "being healed". I believe that once feelings are kind of neutral--you don't hate, but you also don't have that strong desire to be with that person anymore--then it is all healed. You can wish them well, you still want what is best for them, but you realize you have tried & it just didn't work for you as a couple. Once you have loved someone, you will never NOT love them anymore. It is just that love changes as the relationship has changed. That love will never go away; and that is good, because you have children together, so you will always be in eachother's lives.

I keep asking you personal questions, but I am just kind of baffled by her behavior (as I know YOU really are). What was her response when you said those things the other night? (If that is too personal, please don't feel you need to answer me).

EbonNelumbo said:

It's only been 6.5 months since I left him, and 3 since the divorce.

I determined today would be a bit of 'spring cleaning' if you will for my Facebook and was going to try to download all my albums so I could edit them, but couldn't I still have up all the pictures of our 'happy family' from the time we were married and before...

We have a 16 month old together, and I want to ensure all the photos of the three of us, and even my ex and I, remain in tact for my son, as I want him to form his own opinions about his father, and not those I have formed for myself.

This is a good topic, one which I certainly am interested in finding the answer for...

Did it matter in the duration for any of you whether or not it was an unhealthy marriage (not to think a healthy marriage would end in divorce, but perhaps more of the epitome of bad...) or not?

Click to expand...

People like to give mathmatical formulas for healing time...but a heart really isn't built upon mathmatics now is it...
If so...I really would like to know the calculus formula for Love...unless it is trigonometric or Algebraic...then whatever form it is...I want it.

The time for healing really isn't up to any formula...

Here are the stats though.

Those that get remarried inside of two years past divorce...80-90% chance of being divorced again with the person you newly married.

Of all those that remarry after being divorced: 65% chance of failure.

The reason being is that most think they are above the odds or can beat the odds.
"I am smarter than that...
I can pick a good one this time...
I have learned...
it was all their fault anyway...
I am so lonely I have to do something...
I need a spouse to help me..."


Every last one of those 65% and 90% thought the very same things as these and never once addressed or barely addressed any issues that they brought to the marriage that might have contributed to it's subsequent failure.

So...If I were you I would worry more about the children and raising them than finding another mate.
The risks of what are very likely going to happen are way too high at this point.