How do you address your IL's?

Yeah, that would be pretty generous, wouldn't it?

First names only.

Never would I call them 'mum and dad' because they aren't my parents. I also refer to them (amongst family and mutual friends) by their first names. DH does the same thing with my parents.

It was never a conscious decision...it just happened this way

My husband calls my parents by their first names, which is nice.

What to call my husband's family is a bit more complicated... I can't pronounce all of their names quite right, I am not entirely sure that I should call them aunt and uncle (he doesn't have parents... just a LOT of aunts and uncles). They have "American" nicknames that they used when they went to school out here, and I know I'm allowed to call them those, but I honestly can't keep them straight (3 names per person here... it's a lot to keep track of) and I'd feel weird calling them their fake names amongst a bunch of people who call them their real names. So usually I just catch their eye and start talking. It's all good, since they rarely called me by my name until my husband and I got married, either, opting instead to refer to me as "white woman" -- haha.

When I feel more confident with my Thai pronunciation, I'll call them what my husband calls them, I suppose.

I use their first names. We don't have a very warm relationship and to call them Mom and Dad would sound and feel so contrived and just...weird.

I call my mil her first name. My fil is deceased, as is my own father.

My husband called my mom her first name too.

But I do call his aunt and uncles by that title, along with their first name.

gracepaints said:

I call my MIL and FIL "mom" and "dad". After almost 8 years, my Dh STILL doesn't call my father by ANYTHING. I have no idea how he has managed this for 8 years, but I swear it is true.

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This reminded me of a "Everyone Loves Raymond" episode where Ray was shown to be the same way....he'd call his mil ...."you" if he had to use some sort of name.

I would think, that basically how you address your IL's should come down to however they want you to address them.

If they want to be called Mom and Dad, that in no way detracts from the relationship with your Mom and Dad, they are all your parents. If they want you to call them by their first name, great, do so, if they perfer a more formal greeting, that is their due.

If you have some sharp dichotomy of thought where you think they aren't your parents, well, I'm not sure how to even get my mind around that.

You married another person, the two became one. To make some sharp distinction of them as opposed to your physical parents seems to me to be a violation at some level of your marriage. To say they aren't your parents really is in conflict with you being one with your spouse. If you two are now one, they are your parents.

If you think and talk separation all the time, don't be surprised if you wake up some day and you are separate. The outside tends to reflect the inside.

Marv

BigNorsk said:

I would think, that basically how you address your IL's should come down to however they want you to address them.

If they want to be called Mom and Dad, that in no way detracts from the relationship with your Mom and Dad, they are all your parents. If they want you to call them by their first name, great, do so, if they perfer a more formal greeting, that is their due.

If you have some sharp dichotomy of thought where you think they aren't your parents, well, I'm not sure how to even get my mind around that.

You married another person, the two became one. To make some sharp distinction of them as opposed to your physical parents seems to me to be a violation at some level of your marriage. To say they aren't your parents really is in conflict with you being one with your spouse. If you two are now one, they are your parents.

If you think and talk separation all the time, don't be surprised if you wake up some day and you are separate. The outside tends to reflect the inside.

Marv

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Becoming "one" with my spouse does NOT make me one with his family in any way, shape or form. I believe the term is "leave and cleave". His mother is NOT my mother any more than my step-mother is my mother. I agree that one should call someone what they wish to be called with this one exception. I will never, ever, ever call someone other than my mother "mom" or my father "dad". It's absolutely disrespectful, IMHO, of the care and aggravation they gave/endured in raising me. His mother did not in anyway have anything to do with the person I am today. My step-mom and step-dad did and I still do not call either of them mom or dad, but rather their first names when talking to them or about them and nan or Pop when talking to my nieces or nephews. I would rather disrespect someone else 100X's over by NOT calling them "mom" & "dad" the disrespect my mother 1 time by calling someone else the term of endearment reserved soley for her in my life.

If one wants to speculate that not calling my in-law's "mom" & "dad" will cause a divorce or separation in my marriage, have at it. I refuse to accept that curse thanks.

Now, I call my MIL (FIL is deceased) Miss Katie or Mrs. G---. I call his Aunts and Uncles's Aunt & Uncle but for me, a 1/2 dozen or so more aunts/uncles do not make a difference to me. I'm aunt to quite a few kids out there I share no blood relationship with. I've called all my mom's sister's hubby's "uncle" and all her brother's wives "aunt" since birth so it's not strange to me. My mom called my dad's parents "granny" & "pappy" but haven't a clue what my dad called her parents, as they were deceased by the time I was old enough to pay attention. the one time dad referred to my mom's mom it was "your grandmother" or "Betty's mom"

I call them mom-in-law and dad-in-law. Seriously.

BigNorsk, I think it is ridiculous to suggest that people who don't want to call their inlaws mum and dad are not fully committed to their spouses and that their marriages won't last.

If my husband and I are one, does that mean that his boss is my boss, too? That his trousers are mine, too? Then why don't they fit me?

It's first names here too, or if I'm speaking to my husband, it's usually "your bloody mother"...

TankGirl said:

It's first names here too, or if I'm speaking to my husband, it's usually "your bloody mother"...

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LOL

When Mrs. Redguard is speaking to me about my mom, she always draws it out and says, "Your mooooooommmmmm...." and during the 17 seconds that it takes for her to finish saying "mooooommmmm", she usually rolls her eyes about 4 or 5 times.

And then when she complains about my mom to her friends, she'll draw it out again, but this time she'll say, "My motherinlaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww....." (she says it all like it's one word or something...)

Redguard said:

LOL

When Mrs. Redguard is speaking to me about my mom, she always draws it out and says, "Your mooooooommmmmm...." and during the 17 seconds that it takes for her to finish saying "mooooommmmm", she usually rolls her eyes about 4 or 5 times.

And then when she complains about my mom to her friends, she'll draw it out again, but this time she'll say, "My motherinlaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww....." (she says it all like it's one word or something...)

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The crosses we girls have to bear, all in the name of the love of our fellas...

RebekkaH said:

BigNorsk, I think it is ridiculous to suggest that people who don't want to call their inlaws mum and dad are not fully committed to their spouses and that their marriages won't last.

If my husband and I are one, does that mean that his boss is my boss, too? That his trousers are mine, too? Then why don't they fit me?

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It's not so much the exact word used, but the attitude behind it. It is dangerous to think in terms of his family and her family. It should be in terms of their families.

And note that I didn't say you should necessarily call them Mom and Dad, the answer was you should call them what they desire to be called, out of respect for their position. It is not the name, but the respect for them that is in view.

In some very real ways, your husband's boss is your boss, and indeed, you, as his wife have the full legal right to sell those trousers, use them for patches, give them away. They are your trousers. That they don't fit you is not an indication they don't belong to you. Matter of fact, some women must not have any clothes that fit them based on what they wear.

In any case, in our culture we tend to overdo leave and cleave.

Take Ruth and her mother-in-law Naomi. Even when Naomi told Ruth to leave, Ruth would not. Was Ruth wrong? I don't think so, she continued to honor and care for her mother-in-law even after her husband had died and it would have seemed to be a route to an easier life to leave.

I would also not that conflict between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law is one among many of a list showing the sinfulness of Judah.

Mic 7:6 ESV
(6) for the son treats the father with contempt, the daughter rises up against her mother, the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; a man's enemies are the men of his own house.
In short, I see no biblical basis for treating our in-laws with contempt. I see nothing in the Bible that says respect or love is a limited resource and that even calling them Mom and Dad in any way is a sign or disrespect to our physical parents.

I believe disrespect to in-laws today is rampant, and just like it was a sign of the sinfulness of Judah it is a sign of our sinfulness.

Marv

BigNorsk said:

And note that I didn't say you should necessarily call them Mom and Dad, the answer was you should call them what they desire to be called, out of respect for their position. It is not the name, but the respect for them that is in view.

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I see no disrespect in calling my parents-in-law by their first names, even though they would prefer to be called mum and dad. (At least that is what I think - because they never actually said this out loud.) When I asked them if it was alright if I called them by their first names, they said that was fine. Still I suspect that they would prefer mum and dad. But they never said so. Not ever. I am not disrespectful in how I address them.

In some very real ways, your husband's boss is your boss, and indeed, you, as his wife have the full legal right to sell those trousers, use them for patches, give them away. They are your trousers. That they don't fit you is not an indication they don't belong to you. Matter of fact, some women must not have any clothes that fit them based on what they wear.

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LOL! Point taken.

In any case, in our culture we tend to overdo leave and cleave.

Take Ruth and her mother-in-law Naomi. Even when Naomi told Ruth to leave, Ruth would not. Was Ruth wrong? I don't think so, she continued to honor and care for her mother-in-law even after her husband had died and it would have seemed to be a route to an easier life to leave.

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I see my husband's family as my family, too. I just don't call them mum and dad.
Ruth was by no means wrong - but IMO neither was Orpah when she decided to return to her own family.

I would also not that conflict between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law is one among many of a list showing the sinfulness of Judah.

Mic 7:6 ESV
(6) for the son treats the father with contempt, the daughter rises up against her mother, the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; a man's enemies are the men of his own house.
In short, I see no biblical basis for treating our in-laws with contempt. I see nothing in the Bible that says respect or love is a limited resource and that even calling them Mom and Dad in any way is a sign or disrespect to our physical parents.

I believe disrespect to in-laws today is rampant, and just like it was a sign of the sinfulness of Judah it is a sign of our sinfulness.

Marv

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I agree with you that we shouldn't treat our inlaws with contempt, but I don't see not calling them mum and dad as contempt. If someone has a problem with calling them mum and dad but otherwise treat their inlaws with respect and charity I don't see the problem.