christians having sex BEFORE marriage???

karly54321 · Aug 10, 2002

Hi

I'm a 17yr old Christian and have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. We are both Christians and struggle allot with the idea of sex.
We have used our self control so many times under the hardest circumstances... 3 of my closest friends have made love to their long-term boyfriends, more than a third of my friends (guys AND girls) have also done it too, and sex is talked about openly and freely between people I am usually around. SO we start thinking, they can do it, why can't we?!
They haven't been damned to hell or anything, they're relationship hasn't broken up with mistrust... if anything it has strengthened their relationships. What I'm saying is that sex has really had no negative effect on any of my 3best friends lives, one of them is Christian and still goes to church. (The other two just have the typical teenage view "can't be bothered to think about that boring stuff") but all three live happy, healthy lives.
Basically, sex has become a less formal event and instead is generally known (between my group of friends especially) to be practically inevitable between any serious relationship.

So I think to myself, why not us.
And I came online to check it out...

First I went to one of the many sites with the complete bible and searched for every reference to the word sex. Surprisingly to me, it occurred quite a few times! And still, I found no actual verse or chapter that said do not have sex out of marriage.
There are heaps of passages that say, "do not commit sexual immorality", but there is a passage that explains exactly what that is... Leviticus 18. Basically it says not to have sex to any of your relations, any married person, with animals or with a women who are having their period. Nothing about sex out of marriage.
There are also many passages that say "do not commit adultery" but what exactly is adultery? So I searched for the word and read every passage that mentions it. I found that almost every time it was written, it was linked to the words "unfaithfulness" and "prostitution". Now I know what they are. They are sex to another person whilst you are married. In Proverbs 5:20, the bible Sais "Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?" It then goes on to clarify this with "Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?" So there we have a definition of adultery: a married person having sex to someone who is not his or her spouse. There are many other references to this definition, but nowhere does it give the meaning that it is just sex without being married to the person. Again, nothing about sex out of marriage.

During my searches I found 1 Corinthians 7. All about marriage. Supposedly. The thing that started me thinking was the footnote under it all, referring to the very first verse. The verse goes "Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry", but the footnote underneath (bible.gospelcom.net, the New International Version) reads " Or 'It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.'" This started me thinking, if one word "marry" can be replaced with "sexual relations" why can't the word likewise be changed if it is written again by the same person, in the same piece or writing, in the same context. I know the bible has been translated, and how hard it is to interchange some words between languages. Words could be replaced with words that have a similar meaning, but change the whole context of the piece.
Verse 28 in the same chapter says
"But if you do (have sexual relations/marry), you have not sinned; and if a virgin (has sexual relations/marries), she has not sinned. But those who (have sexual relations/marry) will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this."
Verses 37-38 say
"But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to (have sexual relations with/marry) the virgin--this man also does the right thing.
So then, he who (has sexual relations with/marries) the virgin does right, but he who does not (have sexual relations with/marry) her does even better"
Hmmmm... interesting.

After I'd checked out the Bible for myself, I thought it'd be good to see some other people's interpretations. On Christian answers I found the article "Why should I save sex for marriage?" (http://christiananswers.net/q-sum/sum-f001.html)
I read it all and my first impressions were that it is trying very hard to scare people out of sex before marriage: it talks about STDs breaking through protection, sex breaking relationship with God, sex breaking the relationship with the partner, relationship with other Christians, and any further relationship or marriage in your life. Now seriously, it can't be all that bad! My friends are actually doing pretty damn fine without any of the above happening. As far as I can tell that is. The thing is, I don't know about their relationship with God. And that's the one I'm worried about.
Although I found all these verses in the bible, I still don't know all, and that's why I'm writing to you.
But anyway, back to my search...
In this article, I found no reference to any direct verses in the bible that talks about sex out of marriage. Again.

The article talks about the fact that God made us, our bodies, He sent his son to die for us and we should respect it. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20...
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body."
And that is true; it's a very good point. But who said having sex out of marriage is defiling our bodies? If you Love the person, if it is a show of intimacy and passion rather than a just mad rush of hormones, an act of Love and not of lust, who said we were disrespecting our bodies? Not the bible.
Didn't god create us to be happy? Why would he make our bodies ready for sex at the age of 12 and wanting sex by the age of 16 if we couldn't act on it until we were 20 or so? Did he really aim to torture us this way?

I think not. I think the warnings in the bible are just that: warnings.
1 Corinthians 7:38 says "But those who (have sexual relations/marry) will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this."
The rest of the bible talks of sexual immorality that could harm people: gross stuff like sex with animals, sex with family or with a girl who has their period, and hurtful stuff, like sex to someone who already has a partner behind their partner's back.

I have still found not real evidence in the bible of God not wanting us to have sex out of marriages.

This is where I need your help. If I am wrong, PLEASE prove me wrong!
I am a Christian, I Love God, and I Love Jesus. And I would not want to disrespect him purposefully. But as far as I can see, the evidence has been proven. I started with an open mind and this is what I have found.
I just don't want to be wrong.

Thanx for listening

* Luv Karly.A*

PrinceJeff · Aug 11, 2002

Try another. I hope it helps.

http://diskbooks.org/p2.html

Auntie · Aug 11, 2002

Karly,

IMHO, having sex=getting married. Period. Maybe that's why the Bible interpretations you posted look so similar. Once two people have "become one in the flesh", they have become married in the eyes of God(just my opinion).

So if you have sex with your boyfriend, consider yourself married to him.

After all, many binding contracts have been created only with a "handshake" between two people. Two people agree on something, and then they shake hands with each other to seal the deal.

I would think that intimate relations would be much more binding than a mere handshake.

EDIT: To insure that you understand me, I don't think you should be having sex with your boyfriend, unless you are READY to walk down the isle of your favorite church!

Havoc · Aug 11, 2002

You are right that the bibole does not forbid sex before marriage, it suggests avoiding it, warns od possible bad consequences, but does not forbid it.

Havoc

tericl2 · Aug 11, 2002

A better word for you to look up may be "fornication". I have posted the definition from the dictionary here for you with a word history. The Greek word is transliterated "inappropriate contenteia", which you can probably see is the root of our word "inappropriate contentography". Young's Literal Translation consistently translates this word as "whoredom". Keep your body pure for its intended purpose. See Genesis 1 for the description of that purpose, which is to become "one flesh" with your partner.

for·ni·ca·tion (fôrn-kshn) n.
Sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other.

Word History: The word fornication had a lowly beginning suitable to what has long been the low moral status of the act to which it refers. The Latin word fornix, from which fornicti, the ancestor of fornication, is derived, meant a vault, an arch. The term also referred to a vaulted cellar or similar place where prostitutes plied their trade. This sense of fornix in Late Latin yielded the verb fornicr, to commit fornication, from which is derived fornicti, whoredom, fornication. Our word is first recorded in Middle English about 1303.

When you have sex before marriage you are in essence prostituting yourself. You have given up your temple, which is your body, to fleshly desires. Your friends may not be seeing the ill effects of illicit sex right at this moment but I promise you they will. I say that because I know from personal experience. When i was your age I was involved in illicit sex. It has caused me no end of grief and problems throughout the years. Please don't make the same mistake.

1Th 4:3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication (NAS)

Rom. 1:28
And, according as they did not approve of having God in knowledge, God gave them up to a disapproved mind, to do the things not seemly;
29 having been filled with all unrighteousness, whoredom , wickedness, covetousness, malice; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil dispositions; whisperers,
30 evil-speakers, God-haters, insulting, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,
31 unintelligent, faithless, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful;
32 who the righteous judgment of God having known -- that those practising such things are worthy of death -- not only do them, but also have delight with those practising them. (YLT)

1 Cor. 6:19 Have ye not known that your body is a sanctuary of the Holy Spirit in you, which ye have from God? and ye are not your own, 20 for ye were bought with a price; glorify, then, God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's. (YLT)

You might also want to look up some information and teaching on "soul ties". Sex isn't just a physical act for our pleasure. It has physical and spiritual consequences.

God Bless

coastie · Aug 11, 2002

Auntie Belle Um... great answer.

There is a certain and huge resposibility with having sex with someone. You better be sure he is the one.

I don't know how Biblically based my ideals were on this because I never really checked it out in the Bible, but I decided early on that I would only ever make love to one woman because I wanted it to be perfect with my wife so that I would never have that thought in the back of my mind that I was committing adultry by being intimate with my own wife because I had been with someone before her.

I don't know for certain if that is considered adultry, but it certainly isn't worth the risk.

Zach

Soul_Searcher · Aug 11, 2002

Karly, it's nice to see you have done your homework. It is still a big decision though, and you're not only fighting morals but biology. We were created with these bodies for many reasons, and one of those reasons is reproduction. This is a very basic urge in everyone. Some suppress it for religious reasons, moral reasons, fear (pregnancy, STDs, etc.). Others indulge joyously, not just for love, but for the pleasure itself.

We in this culture are still leaning toward suppression, and in many ways that has done more damage to our society than most realize. Rape, pedophilia, sexual harrassment, inappropriate contentography are all symptoms of this suppression.

On top of that we see sex all over television and advertisements; it's not always open, but it's always there. This all puts pressure on teens like you and your friends, and also adults, and confuses people as to 'is it ok to have sex outside of marriage or not?' It seems that everyone else is doing it, so why should you or I not?

Now, you went through the Bible and found nothing truly to support the 'no sex before marriage' rule. Others will read the same passages and conclude that it does say don't do it. It's all up to interpretation anyhow. What I never found was where Jewish society went from a polygamous society to a monogamous one. Solomon had many wives and he was supposed to be favored by God. (And speaking of Solomon, the "Song of Solomon" is about as sexual and erotic as one can get.) The Bible speaks of adultery, but not monogamy, so in essence a man can have more than one wife and therefore not commit adultery.

Ok, I'm rambling a bit, but the bottom line is this is your choice to make. There are three good reasons to have sex/make love with someone. 1 - to share love and intimacy with your chosen mate; 2 - to create new life; 3 - to enjoy and revel in the gift God gave us that is sexual/physical pleasure.

If you and your boyfriend choose to be sexual, PLEASE use birth control. If you choose not to, then more power to you--channel that energy into other creative outlets, either shared with him or alone. And remember, you can be intimate without being sexual (or naked) by kissing, touching, walking hand-in-hand, sharing thoughts and dreams and aspiriations.

Just remember, sex does not equal love; in the context of you and your boyfriend it is an outgrowth of your love, one part of the whole. It doesn't 'prove' anything. And remember too, you still have many years in which to explore life; you don't have to cram everything into a short time.

I wish you well; have a wonderful journey.

Sharky · Aug 11, 2002

Dear Karly. Please don't throw away your virginity just because you can't wait until then.

Adultery is having sex with someone who isn't your spouse. True. But could you live with the guilt that you've just lost your virginity before your marriage? God wants us to be pure and use our intimacy correctly. Not just go for it.

Sex is a powerful thing God has given us and when you do have sex before marriage, you have turned something beautiful into something ugly. Sex is not love i always hear. Never is. Your friends may be doing well now but later of they will probably depart from each other. That's not love. Trust me, it's good to stay clean until marriage. Don't look for answers that won't meet your eyes otherwise chances are you will twist the commandments into sinful rules.

Do not commit adultery. There is no love in between.

Don't let the devil push you into doing the wrong. I'll pray for you my friend

.

coastie · Aug 11, 2002

Whoa... a few problems there.

1. It's plain and simple that sex with more than one partner is adultry unless you are widowed.

2. Sex is not a past-time.

3. No one EVER said sex was a bad thing. It's just a sacred thing and should be treated with at least some reverance.

You can decide for yourself what's right here, but I will tell you one thing for certain. Promiscuity is a bad idea. Having sex with more than one guy is adultry. Don't get caught up in the world's own morals, stay on the right path and do what God says is right.

LightBearer · Aug 11, 2002

Hi Karly.

Tericl2 is correct when he says to check under the term "Fornication".

Basically it means Illicit or Illeagal sex. What makes it illicit or illeagal but that you are not married to the person you are having sex with.

I know this is a basic and short answer, sorry, but do a little research on Fornication and maybe it will give you food for thought.

Keep in mind the council at Jer 17: 9. "The heart is more treacherous than enything else and is desperate, who can know it".

Please don't let your heart rule your head. I,m confident you will make the right decision.

LouisBooth · Aug 12, 2002

"I have still found not real evidence in the bible of God not wanting us to have sex out of marriages."

No one can stop you from having sex before marrage, but that is not what God designed marriage to be. He designed it to have 4 elements
1. One man
2. One women
3. one flesh (this is the sex part)
4. for life

If you miss anyone of these them you are having an imperfect marrage. Does that happen? Yes. Did God want it that way? No. Are you are terrrible terrribe going to hell person because you do it? No, not at all. These "warnings" in the bible are not just warnings. If you want to look at them as warnings let me show you the level they are on. They are warnings with just as much ergency as warnings about being condmened without believing in Christ. They are on that level of a "warning". I would say that look up in your phone book for a place called crisis pregency centers. http://www.pregnancycenters.org/

This is a great place to go and get a persepctive on it. My advice would be that 1. you can get pregent, there is NO such thing as 'safe" sex.
2. There are some STDs that you can get regardless of weather you wear a condom or not and 3. God made sex to be between a husband and wife in a commited relationship for life.

MatthewDiscipleofGod · Aug 12, 2002

"it suggests avoiding it"

I guess you can take most of God's laws as suggestions then? No good reason to listen to God, why not listen to our sinful flesh?
How about these passages, just mere suggestion correct? I beg to differ.

Like I have done before here is a definition of a key word in many passages here:

Main Entry: for·ni·ca·tion
Pronunciation: "for-n&-'kA-sh&n
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other -- compare ADULTERY

1Th 4:3 For this is the will of God, [even] your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
1Cr 6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body
Mat 19:9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except [it be] for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

1 Cor. 6
9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Cor. 10
8 We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did--and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died.

Gal. 5
19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality , impurity and debauchery;
20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions
21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies , and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.
25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

2 Peter 2
14 With eyes full of adultery, they never stop sinning ; they seduce the unstable; they are experts in greed--an accursed brood!
15 They have left the straight way and wandered off to follow the way of Balaam son of Beor, who loved the wages of wickedness.

2 Peter 2
18 For they mouth empty, boastful words and, by appealing to the lustful desires of sinful human nature , they entice people who are just escaping from those who live in error.

LightBearer · Aug 14, 2002

Originally posted by LouisBooth
"I have still found not real evidence in the bible of God not wanting us to have sex out of marriages."

So, then, is living in sin no longer a sin? God tells us in no uncertain terms how he feels about such conduct. His Word, the Bible, states: Let marriage be honorable among all, and the marriage bed be without defilement, for God will judge fornicators and adulterers. (Hebrews 13:4)

Sex before marriage (fornication) may not be a sin in the view of liberal churchgoers, but it is a serious sin in Gods eyes!) God requires that we refrain from such practices, which he views as unclean.

Note how the scripture distinguishes between Fornication and Adultery. If adultery is sexual relations with another while in the marriage, what is Fornication but sexual relations before the marriage

LouisBooth · Aug 14, 2002

*sigh* light, please notice I was quoting someone. Thanks.

good post though.

AFI · Aug 14, 2002

In my eyes, there's a difference between making love and having sex.  Having sex is giving into very natural, biological urges.  Animals have sex all the time.  It's fine to have sex.

Making love on the other hand... that's something reserved for marrige.  Making love is when two soulmates become one.  Most people don't ever make love.  It's a beautiful thing.  Even not being a Christian in the smallest sense of the word, I believe you don't make love until you're married.  It's not a moral thing, it's simply I believe you aren't capable of it.

It's important to ask yourself, are you ready for sex.  If you are, accept the possiblity (however slim) that you could have a child.  And remember, just because you're friends are having sex, that doesn't mean you should.  It's a matter of wanting it.

 

Did that make any sense?

MatthewDiscipleofGod · Aug 14, 2002

"It's a matter of wanting it."

Because you want sex before marriage doesn't make it right. Sex and love, how easily we can just rename it and make it not seem so bad. Sex gets just as emotional as making love. I been there and made the mistake. I wish I waited for marriage. I know plenty of girls that got pregnant when they didn't want too and they were not married and ended up raising it on their own, many in person that I know, so it's not so slim of a chance even if you use protection. I don't want the girl that started this thread to make the same mistakes I did. Once you start having sex it can become addicting. There are many reasons why God wants us to wait for marriage. He's knows what's best for us, we don't.

admozart · Aug 14, 2002

1.  The laws of sexual morality are clearly explained in Deuteronomy 22:13-30. 

2. Aren't these laws still valid?

Solomon did have 700 wives - Egyptians, Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians, and Hittites.  ( 1 Kings  chap11)

He thus violated two of God's rules.

1. Do not inter marry with these people.  Deut 7:1-3

    1 Kings 11:2 reminds of these instructions.

2. Don't have more than one wife.  Deut 17:17

Read all of 1 Kings chapter 11.  There were consequences for Solomon's actions.

LightBearer · Aug 15, 2002

Originally posted by LouisBooth
*sigh* light, please notice I was quoting someone. Thanks.

good post though.

 

So you were, my sincerest aplogies.

 

To whoever did made that comment, take note.

Thanks for the comment by the way.

Kookaburra · Aug 15, 2002

There will always be consequences for sin, and fornication is a sin.

It's funny to me how we humans seem to 'rate' our sins, from least bad to worst, for example, a white lie would be about a one, and murder a one-hundred. When in reality they're all the same in God's eyes, and all have consequences, since it's disobeying God.

And pushing the limit, even if your opinion that 'making love' is the sin, not the sex, is doing it to the letter of the law, which isn't truthfully and willingly obeying God...you're testing Him, so to speak.

It's like, someone says not to swear, but you do it mentally--that's pushing the line, and it's as bad to think it as to say it. It's all sin.

And I believe that sex should be reserved totally for marriage--that's where God intended it to be, and He doesn't change his mind.

e4God · Aug 18, 2002

Sex is like scotch tape. It helps hold a married couple in relationship.

Did you ever notice that the more times scotch tape is stuck to something,, then pulled off, that it does not stick as well to the next thing? Now do this 2 or 3 times. It hardly sticks at all.

Sex outside marriage may not be a deadly sin, but it RUINS forever that one chance to have the best sexual bond with your one true spouse.

Now let's look at adultery. The word comes from wine-making. Pure wine is wine from one harvest of grapes. Adulterated wine is mixed with other wines, or water or juices not even of the vine... While this is to be avoided, some wines turn out so bad that they can only be used if mixed with other wines...  A real winemaker would never do this without indicating the mix.

In this same way, pure married love is from one season of love blossomed and bearing fruit.

The Bible says that once you join with someone in sex, your soul and theirs mingle.  

This is like making a new wine.... if you part, and then you have sex with somebody else later, your new spiritual wine is adulterated with some of the spiritual wine you made previously.

You carry in your spirit a part of the spirit of every person you join with in sex.  What if you find out later that this spirit was not as lovely and pure as you thought?  You can never be rid of it. 

Once you get a little bit of mud in pure water, you can never add enough water to make that water pure again. It will always be adulterated water. or muddy water.

Sad but true for those who use their liberty to have sex before marriage.

Or precious and true for those who wait!

christians having sex BEFORE marriage???

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