"Character"

I tried this a few months ago and got almost no response. I still would like answers.

Anybody who listens to Christians discussing dating and marriage hears the word "character" used regularly. But it is not clear if everybody has the same concept in mind when they use the word "character".

I don't know if some other word corresponds to what I have in mind--maybe "character" is not the word for it--but I mostly think of things like determination, perseverance, a strong sense of purpose, strong convictions, a strong will, a strong work ethic, etc.

Other people, it seems, use the word "character" to mean things like honesty, unselfishness, kindness, being respectful of others, etc.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but I would not really be attracted to a woman who is, say, honest. That does not mean that I don't think that honesty is good. That does not mean that I don't think that honesty is important. It does not mean that if a woman is dishonest that I would not care--on the contrary, I believe that it is important for people to be honest in all relationships, and I don't get along well with dishonest people. All that it means is that I am not particularly attracted to a woman who is honest, just like I am not particularly attracted to a woman who, say, has no criminal record.

It seems that people use "character" negatively. They use "character" as a litmus test to reject potential friends, lovers, etc. Either that or people have a strange way of perceiving and evaluating others. Saying that one finds unselfishness "attractive" and "beautiful" makes about as much sense as saying that one finds a good credit rating "attractive" and "beautiful".

But if by "honesty" people mean something deeper and more complex than the mere observable fact of telling the truth all of the time (one can tell the truth all of the time simply out of habit) then I can see how that would be attractive. The fact of telling the truth all of the time is one thing, the energy produced by a conscious effort to be more trustworthy and more responsible is quite another. The latter energy would be attractive.

I don't have a list that I compare people to and evaluate them with. Rather, I find myself subconsciously admiring and appreciating certain things in people and then when I consciously identify those things I see a pattern. That is identifying parts of people's character.

I really don't know what other people mean by "character" in the context of intimate relationships. People could have in mind some formal philosophy of virtues or some set of traits that are Biblically revealed to be good and I would not know it.

What do others mean by "character"? Keep in mind the context. I am talking about the use of the word in discussions about dating and marriage--like when people say things like, "Looks are not important. It is character that is important".

mrkguy75 said:

While I may be mistaken, it appears that your focus is on the "Looks are not important" part, instead of the "It is character that is important" part.

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"Looks" is what "character" seems to most often be contrasted with. But, with respect to the desirability and attractiveness of romantic partners, "character" is also often contrasted with wealth, income, social status, and health, to name a few. ("Money is not important. It is character that is important"; "Popularity is not important. It is character that is important"; etc.).

It is like people have a prejudice against those who are wealthy, earn a relatively high income, are popular/famous, have exceptional health and are physically beautiful and they use "character" as a litmus test to see if there is any good behind those statuses and features.

I think that there is a significant difference between things like wealth, income and social status and character. Wealth, income and social status are often the result of people trying to impress others in order to secure certain social advantages. However, things like honesty, humility and perseverance often develop in other ways. While one can make a marginal choice to be honest in a certain situation because the benefits would be greater than the costs, and while such marginal choices can accumulate into a habit and a pattern, one can also develop honesty out of self-reflection according to ideals and standards, such as ideals and standards revealed in the Bible. And self-reflection is only one other possibility. A person may have, for example, developed perseverance by surviving difficult circumstances. True appreciation, whether one is considering wealth, "looks", "character" or something in between, will be realized when one recognizes how a quality in a person has developed, in my humble opinion. A person's character may have nothing to do with impressing the opposite sex. Therefore, using "character" to evaluate and accept or reject a person as a potential romantic partner may be missing out on a lot of what he/she has to offer.

intricatic said:

I think you're correct in that the idea of "character" is used as a sort of litmus test, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I should think, though, that it's a universal litmus test- if you've ever had a roommate, it's hard to avoid. Much more so if you're considering someone you may end up being married with.

Most of the character traits that I, for instance, find important, would be relatable to how one deals with money, attraction, success, friendship, education, other people in general, etc.. in either a dirrect, or an indirrect way. Those traits aren't stuck in a vacuum from the rest of an individual's personality; they effect the whole just as much as everything else. How they develop is dirrectly related to the decisions a person has made and the values a person holds, so of course the character of an individual is going to be important in understanding that process.

Again, you're correct when you say it may have little to do with impressing the opposite sex, I'd imagine it has everything to do with who a person is and whether they're compatible with your personality because of who they've become through their life, joys, and hardships.

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I just notice that the litmus test--the practical concerns--are not what character means to me. Like you say, that practical approach is not a bad thing. Everybody does it. Employers making hiring decisions and organizations deciding who to award scholarships to do it as much as people choosing a roommate or a partner. It is an important part of a lot of decision making.

I mostly see it as something to appreciate and admire, however. And for whatever reason, I find certain qualities to be especially admirable.

Am I alone with my view of character?

Bump.