Went home for a visit - feel traumatized

[ChubbyCherub]

I've been back for a few weeks now, after visiting my family in the US and my head has been all over the place.

Let's just say my parents are completely toxic. I thought I grew up in a Christian home. But having been away, and returning after many years, I have viewed my parents through the lens of an adult and my parents house is anything but Christian. There are bible quotes all over the house, crosses hung on the walls etc but my parents are beyond anything I've ever seen with regards to abnormality and dysfunction.

I am having a very hard time forgetting and forgiving what I witnessed there and I really don't know where to go with it. I haven't told them how I feel because they are not emtionally intelligent enough to handle any feedback about anything at all. They seem to so intellectually stunted that there is no way for me to communicate productively so I have pretended that everything is fine. However, the reality is that I really never want to see or talk to them again.

I keep praying about this because I know we are to honor our parents but I don't know how to do that with all that I witnessed. I feel blind sighted.

Thanks for reading this and God bless.

 

[Marie333]

Hi! I’m sorry to hear of your experience. After reading this, it put me in mind of Matthew 10:34-39.

First, you should forgive. Jesus makes this clear as I’m sure you’re aware. Afterwards- perhaps you could look at this with purpose.

Paul wrote letters when he couldn’t be in the presence of others. It sounds as though it’s a bit of a travel for you, and given you don’t want to encounter them face to face right now, maybe you could put it on paper and send it to them. Express your concerns in this format for each instance:
- highlight everything you witnessed
- how they responded or behaved
- make your concerns clear
- then provide solid biblical backing to support how things should have been handled.

Write each word out of love. Express your reasoning for reaching out to them in this manner, make it clear you love them and why you are now praying for a heart change for them going forward.

Your letter may be just what they need to help them correct their walk with the Lord.

 

[SabbathBlessings]

I've been back for a few weeks now, after visiting my family in the US and my head has been all over the place.

Let's just say my parents are completely toxic. I thought I grew up in a Christian home. But having been away, and returning after many years, I have viewed my parents through the lens of an adult and my parents house is anything but Christian. There are bible quotes all over the house, crosses hung on the walls etc but my parents are beyond anything I've ever seen with regards to abnormality and dysfunction.

I am having a very hard time forgetting and forgiving what I witnessed there and I really don't know where to go with it. I haven't told them how I feel because they are not emtionally intelligent enough to handle any feedback about anything at all. They seem to so intellectually stunted that there is no way for me to communicate productively so I have pretended that everything is fine. However, the reality is that I really never want to see or talk to them again.

I keep praying about this because I know we are to honor our parents but I don't know how to do that with all that I witnessed. I feel blind sighted.

Thanks for reading this and God bless.

The best thing you can do is not let it get to you. They are who they are based on circumstances you may or may not ever know. The best way to deal with this situation is not try to hold grudgers or anger in your heart, give it over to God. When you are around them try to be the best representative of God that you can and if it gets toxic just say I love you, but I need to go and keep them in your prayers. This is what I try to do when I am around toxic family members. I know its hard.

 

[ChubbyCherub]

The best thing you can do is not let it get to you. They are who they are based on circumstances you may or may not ever know. The best way to deal with this situation is not try to hold grudgers or anger in your heart, give it over to God. When you are around them try to be the best representative of God that you can and if it gets toxic just say I love you, but I need to go and keep them in your prayers. This is what I try to do when I am around toxic family members. I know its hard.

Thank you. This is exactly what I did when things got crazy and it resulted in things getting extremely hostile (not from my side).

I have compassion, and always have, for their limited education, means and horrendous childhood but I think I didn't realize the extent of dysfunction until I was an adult. Maybe I did which is why I moved 5000 miles away and never regretted it or missed them??

I have prayed for them, and for me and continue to do so. It's just that when my mom texts me, I have anxiety about how I am going to continue to respond without engaging. I've tried to be very detached and superficial but come across as loving and interested. It feels false. Not sure what else to do.

 

[ChubbyCherub]

Hi! I’m sorry to hear of your experience. After reading this, it put me in mind of Matthew 10:34-39.

First, you should forgive. Jesus makes this clear as I’m sure you’re aware. Afterwards- perhaps you could look at this with purpose.

Paul wrote letters when he couldn’t be in the presence of others. It sounds as though it’s a bit of a travel for you, and given you don’t want to encounter them face to face right now, maybe you could put it on paper and send it to them. Express your concerns in this format for each instance:
- highlight everything you witnessed
- how they responded or behaved
- make your concerns clear
- then provide solid biblical backing to support how things should have been handled.

Write each word out of love. Express your reasoning for reaching out to them in this manner, make it clear you love them and why you are now praying for a heart change for them going forward.

Your letter may be just what they need to help them correct their walk with the Lord.

Thanks but there is no way this would be accepted with the grace intended. There is some serious dysfunction at this home. During this visit, my dad called me obscene names when he asked me why I thought a specific thing and I referred to the bible. I can't explain the level of toxicity and maybe insanity that is present. I am just shaken by it all.

I know that Jesus says we will be enemies of parents etc but how does that align with honor your mother and father? How can you do both?

 

[SabbathBlessings]

Thank you. This is exactly what I did when things got crazy and it resulted in things getting extremely hostile (not from my side).

I have compassion, and always have, for their limited education, means and horrendous childhood but I think I didn't realize the extent of dysfunction until I was an adult. Maybe I did which is why I moved 5000 miles away and never regretted it or missed them??

I have prayed for them, and for me and continue to do so. It's just that when my mom texts me, I have anxiety about how I am going to continue to respond without engaging. I've tried to be very detached and superficial but come across as loving and interested. It feels false. Not sure what else to do.

Its the best thing to do. When texts messages get toxic just say hey mom, I am busy right now and just don't respond further. As I have matured, I try to not let other people's drama take me down with them.

 

[ChubbyCherub]

Its the best thing to do. When texts messages get toxic just say hey mom, I am busy right now and just don't respond further. As I have matured, I try to not let other people's drama take me down with them.

Thank you. She's very normal when we text/video chat but, in person, there was just a whole new side and dimension that was so ugly and disconcerting. I can't get it out of my head so all the chats she now tries to instigate are marred with the reality I saw, if that makes sense?

Thanks for listening. It means a lot. There is a lot I want to say, to make things clearer, but I won't out of embarrassment and horror. I'm still trying to process everything.

 

[SabbathBlessings]

Thank you. She's very normal when we text/video chat but, in person, there was just a whole new side and dimension that was so ugly and disconcerting. I can't get it out of my head so all the chats she now tries to instigate are marred with the reality I saw, if that makes sense?

Thanks for listening. It means a lot. There is a lot I want to say, to make things clearer, but I won't out of embarrassment and horror. I'm still trying to process everything.

I have found I have to step back emotionally with toxic people. If you get too involved you are exactly where they want you to be. Once they understand they can't hurt you anymore, you are in control of how you handle situations, they at some point usually stop trying. Its best to let it go, give it to God and rejoice in the small moments they are normal (even if from texts). Sorry, this is just how I had to deal with similar situations and what has worked for me. I know everyone is different.

 

[ChubbyCherub]

I have found I have to step back emotionally with toxic people. If you get too involved you are exactly where they want you to be. Once they understand they can't hurt you anymore, you are in control of how you handle situations, they at some point usually stop trying. Its best to let it go, give it to God and rejoice in the small moments they are normal (even if one texts). Sorry, this is just how I had to deal with similar situations and what has worked for me. I know everyone is different.

Thanks so much! What you say makes sense and I think is what I have been doing all these years by creating an emotional and physical distance. I think not seeing them more than two times in 20 years meant I forgot what I was truly dealing with and it came back and slapped me right in the face!

 

[Delvianna]

Thank you. This is exactly what I did when things got crazy and it resulted in things getting extremely hostile (not from my side).

I have compassion, and always have, for their limited education, means and horrendous childhood but I think I didn't realize the extent of dysfunction until I was an adult. Maybe I did which is why I moved 5000 miles away and never regretted it or missed them??

I have prayed for them, and for me and continue to do so. It's just that when my mom texts me, I have anxiety about how I am going to continue to respond without engaging. I've tried to be very detached and superficial but come across as loving and interested. It feels false. Not sure what else to do.

I can totally understand where you're coming from. I grew up in a house that I thought was Christian too until a major event happened that opened my eyes to how bad my parents truly are. My Mom, I would classify as a narcissist. I know that word is thrown around a lot, but honestly, she is the biggest emotional manipulator I've ever met. I've tried to be neutral and explain salvation to them (because they don't consider obedience apart of it) and was called self-righteous and... it just... didn't go well. Because of my mother, (who also tends to get hysterical when she doesn't get her way) talking to her also gave me anxiety. I don't know the ins and outs of your family dynamic, but I can tell you what I did in the hopes that something helps.

1) "Honor your Father and Mother" is often misunderstood. You can honor them from a far, you can also honor them while you don't talk to them. What IS honor? Honor is defined (by Bible Study Tools [Link]) as "The root of kabod [d/b'K] literally means heavy or weighty. The figurative meaning, however, is far more common: "to give weight to someone." To honor someone, then, is to give weight or to grant a person a position of respect and even authority in one's life." We all know that authority is beneath God so if they want you to do something unGodly, we are allowed to refuse. So, when you talk with your parents, this is how you treat them. But, that does not mean you have to stick around them forever...
2) Boundaries are allowed. Jesus chose who he wanted around him and when he didn't want anyone around him. People don't automatically get access to us whenever they want, just because they want it. Even Paul taught to give people over to their depraved minds by kicking them out of the church if correction didn't work so that maybe their souls will be saved later. So with this in mind, you can absolutely take a break from them. Don't talk, don't communicate and just let yourself recover. Your body around toxic people keeps a fight or flight response which does take a toll internally. Your nervous system can be stressed to the point where your body can produce random pains, digestion issues, headaches and even increase the risk for a stroke.

So no matter what you decide to do, you absolutely have the option to pull away from them because not talking to someone isn't "dishonor", it's just boundaries. Pray for them, protect yourself and maybe later down the line you might get to a point where you don't get anxiety when you talk to them. I personally took breaks for months at a time from my parents and it did me the world of good. I can now talk to my mom without it inducing anxiety and know when to draw a boundary if she gets out of line again, all while honoring them in the process. You aren't stuck... I hope you don't think you are.

 

[Marie333]

Thanks but there is no way this would be accepted with the grace intended. There is some serious dysfunction at this home. During this visit, my dad called me obscene names when he asked me why I thought a specific thing and I referred to the bible. I can't explain the level of toxicity and maybe insanity that is present. I am just shaken by it all.

I know that Jesus says we will be enemies of parents etc but how does that align with honor your mother and father? How can you do both?

You can honor your parents by acting in accordance with your faith, which includes praying for them, treating them with respect, forgiving them, and showing love and gratitude, even when their actions or beliefs differ from yours. Jesus's statement about bringing a division is about the choice to follow him, or not, which may create a division within a family. It does not however, negate the commandment to honor your parents, as honoring them is also an act of honoring God. You can still honor them by praying for them, treating them kindly, forgiving them, and showing them love, but you don’t have to conform to their beliefs or actions. God comes above all.

 

[Richard T]

Family is tough cause we always have expectations there but rarely do most live up to what we hope. But just forgive and do your best to care for them with the fruit of the spirit.
I will say too that there is a easy road to just reject them. But there is a hard road that lets your own iron be sharpened regardless fo their response. I would argue that because they are family that rejecting them too rejects your own roots. In the sower sows the seed, it says they could not produce because they have no root in themselves? While there are spiritual roots I believe that God gave me a revelation that I was running from my family and I had to accept my natural roots too, which when I thought about it for as far back as I knew, those roots were not all terrible. Those roots help me understand who I am today and include both weaknesses to work out and strengths to abide in. In your case for instance, maybe it was their toxicity that took you 5000 miles away? Perhaps that was part of the plan all along because God works all things together for good?

So I would choose the hard road, yes you can limit contact but you can also create contact that will help you grow in Christ because you can face them without judging, or expecting anything, except to give as God has given to you unconditionally.

 

[timf]

There was an interview with the Beatles after their trip to India to see a holy man. One of the interviewers asked about some scandal concerning the supposed holy man. John Lennon answered that he was just a guy encapsulating that while they went with high expectations, they returned with not a disillusioned view but a more accurate one.

Children grow up with a sort of cartoon version of their parents in mind. As adults this view tends become more accurate even to the point of seeing your parents as just kids themselves when they started their married life.

Some parents are actually heroes or villains, but most are simply people making their way through life as best they can.

 

[ChubbyCherub]

Thanks all. I know it's hard to formulate advice with bare minimum information that I have provided. I am not young or naive and I never saw my parents as good or bad, very damaged and limited, but always felt they did the best they could given their very difficult childhoods, lack of education etc.

What I saw on this visit went beyond lack of education, finesse, ability to communicate etc. They are doing extremely damaging things to one another, myself and others. They are, in my eyes, intolerable and unforgiveable in some respects.

However, I continue to pray for them and will continue to try to heal from the shock of what I learned.

Thank you all so much for reading and assisting. It means the world to me.

 

[bèlla]

I‘m going to be the voice of dissent on the subject. The most important thing you need to do at the moment is heal, recenter yourself and restore your peace. Forgiveness will come when you’re in a better headspace. There’s more to the act than the statement and as you decompress and process your experiences from a less emotional place you’ll move in that direction.

As for seeing them, it depends. Just because you love the Lord doesn’t mean you have the mental fortitude to endure what you did on a regular basis. It depends on your heart, wounds and if you replay offenses in your head or let them go. Seeing them more frequently could be damaging. Monitor your mind and heart and see how you feel a month from now. Journal as needed if you’d like to get it out so things don’t remain bottled up within.

And give yourself permission to build relationships with others who’ll give you the things they don’t. It’s okay to have an older woman who’s like an aunt or second mom or an older man who plays a similar role. Don’t limit the possibilities to be loved because it doesn’t come from them and let God fill the void.

~bella