So yes I have two posts going on here. But since I am back (been gone since Covid), might as well talk about whats on my mind.
So as you know I am in my 40s. Raised Christian, though the denomination varied (Evangelical, Presbyterian...etc) as we switched churches a few times. I always was close with God. Prayed every night, read my bible...etc. I also have had major health issues my whole life. We also haven't been to church or even watched a online service in years. Not because we don't believe. We can't drive, and her work shift ends Sunday morning, so we are usually asleep when church is normally going on. We don't really pray together. Or read together. We are both super stressed becauyse of financialty debt that every waking moment is spent figuring out how to earn money, how to pay one bill, while saving for the next...etc.
I don't even take my pills most times because I am overwhelmed and forget. Mind you even when I was single I was this way. I was always busy just trying to survive and make something of myself.
Which meant around at 16 when I had grand mal seizure and brain injury, I started to get mad at God. I also wanted to end my life, but didn't because I truly believe it leads to hell.
However all this stuff also made me at times stronger in my beliefs because I knew God had plans. Like helping people on here (like the early 2000s and before). Those who were also sick and felt like maybe God didn't care. However in the back of my mind I always had this fear of death. This fear of "what if".
As time went on and I started having health issues, I read my bible less, I stopped doing devotions..etc. Long story short I maybe read my devotions a few times a year. Never really read my bible other than looking up verses. Praying comes in spurts, sometimes I may pray a few times a week. Or just a few times a year.
So... part of me believes God is real. But I always see things online that make me question. Like when people say prayers don't do anything as people's situations never really change. Much of anythink that happens seems to be luck or coincidence. For example I've never seen anyone with stage 4 cancer cured. I remind myself miracles of such scale aren't really a thing and of coruse we have free will so God can't really answer prayers like "God give me a home a for free!"
Then I see people say things about evolution, history...etc. LIke historical events and people that existed before Adam and Eve would have. I don't know how to explain that. Like I know about carbon dating is flawed, but it seems alot of what people tell me is true and I can't explain it. Though in my mind I think maybe its the devil who made things seems a certain way so we can question God on purpose.
But my biggest problem is death. I fear it. Many nights I can't sleep and wake up crying and screaming. If God isn't real, I will just cease to exist. Not even knowing I am gone. It terrifies me. The only thing that keeps that thoughts at bay is knowing that heaven/hell exists. So when I die, I will instantly see heaven and things aren't over. But as I age and get closer the death, its harder to not think about death. Even my dad, a prayer warrior, when I asked about this was unsure and said he really doesn't know what to say.
On the other hand I see Israel still existing and it makes me think if God wasn't real, there is NO way they would not have been taken over/taken out by now. Sadly there is not alot of this stuff to prove God is real. Most everything is based on faith. But I wonder what if God isn't real, what if the whole point of the bible is to fool people into a false sense of comfort. Or as some people have yelled at me "Only naive people believe it because they lack critical thinking skills when evidence is all aroudn them to suggest its not real!"
Again, I don't know what to do or to think. Do I think God is not real? I do wonder. But deep down I still believe of course. Part of me wishes I was dumb, so I wouldn't even be able to understand half of what people try to scare me with into thinking He's not real. This also makes me question am I really saved? Am I destined for hell? I've also done some horrific things in my life. THings I know God would disapprove of. Things I'd probably be in prison for (I didn't kill anyone if your wondering lol).
When I pray for forgiveness, I often can't forgive myself for things I've done. For decades on end. I may sometimes pray again for forgiveness for the same thing. Thinking I'm pure evil and God hasn't forgiven me. I guess I'm harder on myself about not being perfect for God.
I always have felt I am a failure in Gods eyes. When I pray and most often nothing happens, I feel I am ignored because He gave up on me. I feel when I get to heaven I will be one of those people of whom He says "Go away, I do not know you!". I don't want to be. I knowing Thomas was a doubter, so maybe its normal for some to also feel this way and still be saved? Honestly all I want is God to hold me. Show me He's here. I just want to be able to meet Jesus when I die and thank Him for everything. I want to Worship the Lord.
So not sure what I am looking for here. Not judgment, hopefully. Maybe encouragement. Or a reminder of something. A way to repair my spiritual armor to full strength again. In the end, I still want to just please God. Despite all my flaws and struggles with some sins.
So as you know I am in my 40s. Raised Christian, though the denomination varied (Evangelical, Presbyterian...etc) as we switched churches a few times. I always was close with God. Prayed every night, read my bible...etc. I also have had major health issues my whole life. We also haven't been to church or even watched a online service in years. Not because we don't believe. We can't drive, and her work shift ends Sunday morning, so we are usually asleep when church is normally going on. We don't really pray together. Or read together. We are both super stressed becauyse of financialty debt that every waking moment is spent figuring out how to earn money, how to pay one bill, while saving for the next...etc.
I don't even take my pills most times because I am overwhelmed and forget. Mind you even when I was single I was this way. I was always busy just trying to survive and make something of myself.
Which meant around at 16 when I had grand mal seizure and brain injury, I started to get mad at God. I also wanted to end my life, but didn't because I truly believe it leads to hell.
However all this stuff also made me at times stronger in my beliefs because I knew God had plans. Like helping people on here (like the early 2000s and before). Those who were also sick and felt like maybe God didn't care. However in the back of my mind I always had this fear of death. This fear of "what if".
As time went on and I started having health issues, I read my bible less, I stopped doing devotions..etc. Long story short I maybe read my devotions a few times a year. Never really read my bible other than looking up verses. Praying comes in spurts, sometimes I may pray a few times a week. Or just a few times a year.
So... part of me believes God is real. But I always see things online that make me question. Like when people say prayers don't do anything as people's situations never really change. Much of anythink that happens seems to be luck or coincidence. For example I've never seen anyone with stage 4 cancer cured. I remind myself miracles of such scale aren't really a thing and of coruse we have free will so God can't really answer prayers like "God give me a home a for free!"
Then I see people say things about evolution, history...etc. LIke historical events and people that existed before Adam and Eve would have. I don't know how to explain that. Like I know about carbon dating is flawed, but it seems alot of what people tell me is true and I can't explain it. Though in my mind I think maybe its the devil who made things seems a certain way so we can question God on purpose.
But my biggest problem is death. I fear it. Many nights I can't sleep and wake up crying and screaming. If God isn't real, I will just cease to exist. Not even knowing I am gone. It terrifies me. The only thing that keeps that thoughts at bay is knowing that heaven/hell exists. So when I die, I will instantly see heaven and things aren't over. But as I age and get closer the death, its harder to not think about death. Even my dad, a prayer warrior, when I asked about this was unsure and said he really doesn't know what to say.
On the other hand I see Israel still existing and it makes me think if God wasn't real, there is NO way they would not have been taken over/taken out by now. Sadly there is not alot of this stuff to prove God is real. Most everything is based on faith. But I wonder what if God isn't real, what if the whole point of the bible is to fool people into a false sense of comfort. Or as some people have yelled at me "Only naive people believe it because they lack critical thinking skills when evidence is all aroudn them to suggest its not real!"
Again, I don't know what to do or to think. Do I think God is not real? I do wonder. But deep down I still believe of course. Part of me wishes I was dumb, so I wouldn't even be able to understand half of what people try to scare me with into thinking He's not real. This also makes me question am I really saved? Am I destined for hell? I've also done some horrific things in my life. THings I know God would disapprove of. Things I'd probably be in prison for (I didn't kill anyone if your wondering lol).
When I pray for forgiveness, I often can't forgive myself for things I've done. For decades on end. I may sometimes pray again for forgiveness for the same thing. Thinking I'm pure evil and God hasn't forgiven me. I guess I'm harder on myself about not being perfect for God.
I always have felt I am a failure in Gods eyes. When I pray and most often nothing happens, I feel I am ignored because He gave up on me. I feel when I get to heaven I will be one of those people of whom He says "Go away, I do not know you!". I don't want to be. I knowing Thomas was a doubter, so maybe its normal for some to also feel this way and still be saved? Honestly all I want is God to hold me. Show me He's here. I just want to be able to meet Jesus when I die and thank Him for everything. I want to Worship the Lord.
So not sure what I am looking for here. Not judgment, hopefully. Maybe encouragement. Or a reminder of something. A way to repair my spiritual armor to full strength again. In the end, I still want to just please God. Despite all my flaws and struggles with some sins.
