I may only disclose what I want to disclose right now. I'm starting to think that I'm not one of those who will endure to the end and hence be saved. I know that multitudes of people in history have endured the unthinkable and it has strengthened them but I rather feel weakened. I also have a great degree of concern that I have disgraced myself by not being in church for X weeks (it might have become months) now. If or when I'm able to come back, how will I explain the real reasons? Last night I wrote down as much as possible everything I'm going through for the past three months, that may shed some light as to why this is all happening. If I have to tell people the problems I'll just show them what I wrote in the journal. I'm tempted to write it here too but I would have to retype it all. I've never been this odd-feeling before even before I was a believer. I have mental and physical symptoms of not having been to Mass. It started off being "not my fault" and "not entirely within my control" but now it's becoming more of my own volition, which is bad. I know that I'm feeling mentally and even physically worse since not being at Mass, but every time I tell myself that the next weekend will be different, it's not. Once again, the crux of my issues are finally written down and I'm really apprehensive of laying it out right now. I'm also really worried that I could be disgraced among the parishioners if I tried to come back. The parish is really good though, and I don't think these parishioners are like that, but I still feel humiliated. Am I even a legit member of the church based on my actions?
Ladybug, I am not going to give you advice that you cannot take. All the symptoms you are describing can either be explained by depression, or can be the result of a severe spiritual attack.
The way to tell is to ask for help in prayer. You don’t have to pour your whole heart out, but it is good that you have written everything down.
None of us are strong enough to persevere on our own. The fact that you feel too weak is not to be ashamed of. Making it to Mass is too hard right now? Develop a disciplined prayer life
We all have a guardian angel. Pray the prayer to your angel. Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God’s love commits me here, ever this day (night) be at my side to light and guard to rule and guide. Then wait for guidance
If you have a few minutes before bed, pray three Hail Marys to our Lady’s tears.
To what can I like or compare you oh daughter of Jerusalem?
Hail Mary——-
What example can I show you for your comfort virgin daughter Zion?
Hail Mary———-
For great is the sea is your downfall, who can heal you?
Hail Mary ———
Say these every night and ask your guardian angel for help. Trust and watch what happens
These are simple prayers to get you started. If you can pray a full rosary, all the better
The contemplation after the second glorious mystery of the Ascension is “ Pray for us Mary, gate of heaven, that we may cling to and live in our hope of God’s faithfulness”
We can give you some advice, but often we do more harm than good, because we just don’t know.
I do know God loves you, Mary loves you as a daughter, and your guardian angel is always there just for you and no one else
Just ask them for help and trust that God will complete His work in you. We don’t always have the strength to do what we ought, but God gives us the free will to ask for help. You have asked us here, now I believe that you should ask those that have to power to really help you. Jesus, Mary and your guardian angel.
