I feel like these threads of mine cast a pall, but I gotta ask: am I being a jerk here?

[Gnarwhal]

I thought we were doing a good thing taking in my sister-in-law. She moved in with us in March, had her baby in May and things continued deteriorating with her baby's father the whole time (this stretches back to at least December although the guy has a track record of bad behavior long before that). He was abusive to her IN THE HOSPITAL, which we believe was documented. Then shortly after she was discharged he served her papers to establish paternity. She had decided to move home to NY with her baby and had booked a flight out with my mother-in-law and everything. I was glad of this cause it meant I'd have my house back after months of overcrowding.

Well the papers she was served said she can't leave the state so that blew up those plans, and her court date isn't until November. So then it was looking like she would be staying longer, and we were talking her finding a job and a small apartment for her and the baby.

Then out of nowhere I find out yesterday that she's been talking a bunch to the baby's father again and is now considering moving back to LA to be with him.

I'm really fed up with her, as long as I've been in the picture she's been just a long line of bad decisions. One after the other. And with this latest one I want to wash my hands of her. I said something to my wife along the lines of, if she (my SIL) is going back to that guy then she should leave sooner rather than later.

To me, going back to this abusive jerk is spitting all over the care and hospitality my wife has given her over the past three months. The only reason I agreed to any of this is because I love my wife and I knew it's important to her. But frankly I dislike my SIL, and she gives me the same discomfort that this mentally unstable former coworker gave me before she got fired. To the point that I don't even want to be in the same room as her, much less talk to her.

I'm just profoundly compassion fatigued at this point. I'm tired of people acting entitled to compassion and generosity. She's been warned about the baby's father, she knows exactly what kinda guy he is and what's likely to happen if she goes back to him. Now that she's been warned I shake the dust from my boots and want nothing to do with her anymore.

I'm at my wits end, I'm sick of having twice as many people living here as there should be. My MIL is a sweetheart but I'm looking forward to her and my stepson leaving on Monday. I want my house back. I want the only people who are using our stuff and rooting through our fridge to be us, the people who live here. I want the long showers and overuse of my washer and dryer to slow down driving up my utility bills to stop, after all I'm the only one under this roof paying for these bills.

How unCatholic am I being right now?

 

[Michie]

I thought we were doing a good thing taking in my sister-in-law. She moved in with us in March, had her baby in May and things continued deteriorating with her baby's father the whole time (this stretches back to at least December although the guy has a track record of bad behavior long before that). He was abusive to her IN THE HOSPITAL, which we believe was documented. Then shortly after she was discharged he served her papers to establish paternity. She had decided to move home to NY with her baby and had booked a flight out with my mother-in-law and everything. I was glad of this cause it meant I'd have my house back after months of overcrowding.

Well the papers she was served said she can't leave the state so that blew up those plans, and her court date isn't until November. So then it was looking like she would be staying longer, and we were talking her finding a job and a small apartment for her and the baby.

Then out of nowhere I find out yesterday that she's been talking a bunch to the baby's father again and is now considering moving back to LA to be with him.

I'm really fed up with her, as long as I've been in the picture she's been just a long line of bad decisions. One after the other. And with this latest one I want to wash my hands of her. I said something to my wife along the lines of, if she (my SIL) is going back to that guy then she should leave sooner rather than later.

To me, going back to this abusive jerk is spitting all over the care and hospitality my wife has given her over the past three months. The only reason I agreed to any of this is because I love my wife and I knew it's important to her. But frankly I dislike my SIL, and she gives me the same discomfort that this mentally unstable former coworker gave me before she got fired. To the point that I don't even want to be in the same room as her, much less talk to her.

I'm just profoundly compassion fatigued at this point. I'm tired of people acting entitled to compassion and generosity. She's been warned about the baby's father, she knows exactly what kinda guy he is and what's likely to happen if she goes back to him. Now that she's been warned I shake the dust from my boots and want nothing to do with her anymore.

I'm at my wits end, I'm sick of having twice as many people living here as there should be. My MIL is a sweetheart but I'm looking forward to her and my stepson leaving on Monday. I want my house back. I want the only people who are using our stuff and rooting through our fridge to be us, the people who live here. I want the long showers and overuse of my washer and dryer to slow down driving up my utility bills to stop, after all I'm the only one under this roof paying for these bills.

How unCatholic am I being right now?

You are not being unCatholic. You are fed up. And understandably so. You do need to wash your hands of her. You can be nice when you see her, pray for her, but healthy boundaries are a must. This will be a struggle I am sure but everyone knows this is not a healthy situation. The only question is, will others cooperate… I feel badly for the baby. Looks like she is going down a tough road through no choice of her own.

 

[Lady Bug]

Is there any possibility that the baby's father is threatening her if she leaves him? There are some women who don't know how to get out of abusive relationships because they're petrified of retribution.

I would be extremely cranky if I were in your shoes. I can't stand people coming over even if it's only for two hours. For example, just today, some sinful thoughts came into my head about my dad giving me problems again - I thought "I can't wait until you die" even though I know that him dying would open up new problems. The compassion I felt while taking care of my mom is just not the same with my dad. I don't mind taking care of him, but I also resent him and feel no charity for him more than half the time.

 

[Gnarwhal]

You are not being unCatholic. You are fed up. And understandably so. You do need to wash your hands of her. You can be nice when you see her, pray for her, but healthy boundaries are a must. This will be a struggle I am sure but everyone knows this is not a healthy situation. The only question is, will others cooperate… I feel badly for the baby. Looks like she is going down a tough road through no choice of her own.

Praying for her is a good idea. My prayer life is so poor that it's not existent and that's most likely the root cause of why I feel how I feel now, and why I feel like I can't even comprehend charity anymore.

I feel bad for the baby as well, just like you said she didn't ask for any of this and she's being lead into a world of hurt. At this point I don't think I'd be surprised if at some point we ended up as her guardians.

Is there any possibility that the baby's father is threatening her if she leaves him? There are some women who don't know how to get out of abusive relationships because they're petrified of retribution.

I would be extremely cranky if I were in your shoes. I can't stand people coming over even if it's only for two hours. For example, just today, some sinful thoughts came into my head about my dad giving me problems again - I thought "I can't wait until you die" even though I know that him dying would open up new problems. The compassion I felt while taking care of my mom is just not the same with my dad. I don't mind taking care of him, but I also resent him and feel no charity for him more than half the time.

I think he's threatened her in a few ways, he's also told her she'll never do better than him (which couldn't be further than the truth, a dead and rotting corpse would be an improvement over him) and he's insulted her family on multiple occasions by telling her none of this would've happened if it had been his family present instead of hers. (I'm like, 'yeah right' cause his family's Russian. Russians don't respect women at all so my SIL at best wouldn't be properly looked after, and at worst would be cast out; not to mention how my niece would end up being raised).

 

[RileyG]

You are not being unCatholic. You are fed up. And understandably so. You do need to wash your hands of her. You can be nice when you see her, pray for her, but healthy boundaries are a must. This will be a struggle I am sure but everyone knows this is not a healthy situation. The only question is, will others cooperate… I feel badly for the baby. Looks like she is going down a tough road through no choice of her own.

I agree completely.

 

[Michie]

Praying for her is a good idea. My prayer life is so poor that it's not existent and that's most likely the root cause of why I feel how I feel now, and why I feel like I can't even comprehend charity anymore.

I feel bad for the baby as well, just like you said she didn't ask for any of this and she's being lead into a world of hurt. At this point I don't think I'd be surprised if at some point we ended up as her guardians.

Strange that you bring up guardianship because I was thinking the same.

 

[Gnarwhal]

Strange that you bring up guardianship because I was thinking the same.

Hm, very interesting... we've broached the subject before between us but only briefly. I may bring it up more to see at what point we'd take her in.