The problem with writing people off as “toxic”

[Michie]

The phenomenon of cutting people out of our lives is growing, especially among young people, and it's not always beneficial.​

Recently my young adult daughter declared that one of her close friends was “toxic” and she was going to end her friendship with her. Now this was a friend she’d known throughout her adolescence. She was a good friend who had developed certain issues, as many youngsters do, but fundamentally she is a decent person.

I must admit I was concerned about her use of the word “toxic.” It just seems that lately this has become a buzzword for people — especially among the younger generations — to describe someone who is less than perfect. Personally, it’s a phenomenon I find a little disturbing as there leaves little room for forgiveness, growth, or an adjustment of our own expectations.

(However, I would point out that there are some people in life who can be mentally and physically damaging to us. In this case I can totally appreciate that they should be avoided at all costs or encouraged to seek professional help.)

What makes someone “toxic”?​

Continued below.

The problem with writing people off as “toxic”

The phenomenon of cutting people out of our lives is growing, especially among young people, and it's not always beneficial. The phenomenon of cutting people out of our lives is growing, especially among young people

aleteia.org

 

[RileyG]

I agree, it is a buzzword to describe those you don't necessarily agree with or fight with. It's used too often these days.

 

[Chrystal-J]

My mother was what you'd call "difficult", but I didn't cut her out of my life. I obeyed God and "honored my mother and father" and did what I could to stay in a relationship with both of them. I figured I couldn't spread Christ to them if I didn't see them.

 

[mourningdove~]

I don't like that it has now become so commonplace ... to discern persons as toxic, and feel the need to cut them off ...
but if you have ever known a truly toxic person, it is much more understandable.

 

[Sword of the Lord]

I might be a hypocrite here, but I immediately tune people out who use the words "triggered" and "toxic", among others. Progressive buzzwords immediately clue you in on what you're dealing with.

 

[dzheremi]

There are definitely times when you have to set boundaries with people for the sake of your own safety, and that could conceivably include not having them in your life anymore unless they change. That said, most of the things that people treat as the end of the world are not actually that serious, and don't require getting rid of the people they call toxic. I wish people were less quick to label and judge others and more open to looking at their own faults and adjusting their expectations of those around them accordingly, but that's hardly a matter of the generation we're a part of or the times we're in. That's straight out the lives of the Desert Fathers (e.g. , St. Moses the Strong and the trail of sand) and others before and after them. That's something we all have to be reminded to do. To that end, the article is a good reminder. Thank you, Michie.

 

[Michie]

I might be a hypocrite here, but I immediately tune people out who use the words "triggered" and "toxic", among others. Progressive buzzwords immediately clue you in on what you're dealing with.

Glad to see you!

 

[Michie]

There are definitely times when you have to set boundaries with people for the sake of your own safety, and that could conceivably include not having them in your life anymore unless they change. That said, most of the things that people treat as the end of the world are not actually that serious, and don't require getting rid of the people they call toxic. I wish people were less quick to label and judge others and more open to looking at their own faults and adjusting their expectations of those around them accordingly, but that's hardly a matter of the generation we're a part of or the times we're in. That's straight out the lives of the Desert Fathers (e.g. , St. Moses the Strong and the trail of sand) and others before and after them. That's something we all have to be reminded to do. To that end, the article is a good reminder. Thank you, Michie.

I feel bad for saying this but I recently confronted my sister as she did something really sneaky that caused a lot of heartache. I told her that I would not be tolerating that anymore. While I did not cut her off, I have not contacted her unless to update her on mom. I did leave the door open for her to call me when she wanted to talk as an adult and be honest. Nothing so far. I feel bad about it but felt it needed to be done.

 

[dzheremi]

I know the feeling, Michie. It's never good, but hopefully eventually you reach the point where you're at peace within yourself about the steps you take. I think it's a good sign that you're keeping the door open so that if the behavior changes, and/or if she's willing to talk, you can begin healing together. I pray that the Lord grants all in the situation the humility and wisdom to see a way forward, even if it is a difficult one. Lord have mercy.

 

[Michie]

I know the feeling, Michie. It's never good, but hopefully eventually you reach the point where you're at peace within yourself about the steps you take. I think it's a good sign that you're keeping the door open so that if the behavior changes, and/or if she's willing to talk, you can begin healing together. I pray that the Lord grants all in the situation the humility and wisdom to see a way forward, even if it is a difficult one. Lord have mercy.

Thank you. Prayers are definitely needed!

 

[mourningdove~]

I feel bad for saying this but I recently confronted my sister as she did something really sneaky that caused a lot of heartache. I told her that I would not be tolerating that anymore. While I did not cut her off, I have not contacted her unless to update her on mom. I did leave the door open for her to call me when she wanted to talk as an adult and be honest. Nothing so far. I feel bad about it but felt it needed to be done.

Sadly, very sadly, we have a troublesome person in my family also.
And sadly, it appears she cannot change.

So most of the family has chosen to distance themselves from her.
She just brought chaos into the family, over and over again.
Caused tons of problems ... hurt relationships ... hurt the family ... and she wouldn't/couldn't change her ways.
We are cordial if we hear from her, but can't re-open the door to a relationship again.
We're all getting older, can't take the stress anymore.
Very sad.

I understand the dilemma ...

 

[Michie]

Sadly, very sadly, we have a troublesome person in my family also.
And sadly, it appears she cannot change.

So most of the family has chosen to distance themselves from her.
She just brought chaos into the family, over and over again.
Caused tons of problems ... hurt relationships ... hurt the family ... and she wouldn't/couldn't change her ways.
We are cordial if we hear from her, but can't re-open the door to a relationship again.
We're all getting older, can't take the stress anymore.
Very sad.

I understand the dilemma ...

Thank you. Prayers for all of you.