Hi everyone.
I'm a 25-year-old who has been a Christian his entire life . . . I have personally never engaged in any sexual activities with another individual.
Hello. I'm older than you, and I haven't either.
This is extremely hard to do as a man in today's culture where virgins are laughed at and demeaned.
I know, trust me. There are also people who will have respect for that - but don't expect them to maintain that respect if you make public your preference for someone who is also a virgin. This is a flaw in their values.
Keeping these things in mind, the thought of not being able to marry a woman who has also waited has been filling me with extreme dread for weeks now. I've seen surveys that claim that only 5% of the total population maintains their virginity past the age of 25. Similarly, there have been Christian-specific surveys taken that show that 80% of the Christian population has had sex before marriage (it's probably more).
I would be interested to see the exact surveys you are referencing. How many of those 80% though had sex with people other than those they married, though? That 80% would include engaged couples who had only had sex with each other, but missed the mark as far as waiting for the wedding night. That's less than good, but not as bad as promiscuity.
I feel like I've been lied to, betrayed, and that I've wasted my time by waiting. The primary reason we wait is to honor God.
Why, exactly do you feel like you have been lied to, betrayed, and that you've wasted your time? You've honored God for a few years, nothing to regret about that. You made positive decisions before you decided to honor God - why should you regret that? What was the lie? What was the betrayal?
I've had some disappointments with society and the church in this area too, but it has more to do with the attitudes of people who frown on wanting someone who has waited (i.e. contributing the same in this area to a relationship that I bring), people who don't want partners who are virgins (I'm not going to hook up or see a prostitute in order to prepare for somebody), and people who lie to themselves and to others about what sex does (the two becoming one flesh). With the possible exception of people in the church latching onto those beliefs and snipping at me (the default expectation for Christians is that we'll love one another), none of that really counts as betrayal to me.
Waiting to have sex has caused me to miss out on friendships, relationships, and experiences.
Experiences, that's self-evident. But those experiences leave many Christians with regret.
Relationships, maybe, but you don't know how long those are going to last. Besides, if a woman wants to sleep with you on the first date in real life, you're probably not the only person she's done that with, and you're probably just part of an unhealthy pattern of bad relationships in her life. The quality of relationship you missed out on by not choosing to hook up is probably not a good one.
Friendships? I am puzzled as to why you mentioned that. I have built friendships on much better foundations than willingness to fornicate over the years. If the price of friendships is a willingness to sleep around, I'm wondering if that's the price of admission to a truly deviant lifestyle that I want nothing to do with.
Now, I'm 25, self-employed, and I have no friends. I live in a frozen wasteland (Canada) in a tiny retirement town and I haven't seen a girl in real life under the age of 35 since 2018, let alone a Christian girl.
Why do you live there? Why do you work there? Is there a church with young people nearby?
So, I have to ask: Is it unreasonable of me to prefer to date/marry a woman who has also waited?
No. You're contributing it, you can expect it back. And if we go with half-your-age-plus-seven-rounding-up, you're young enough to respectably date women as young as 20. There are going to be more virgins between 20 and 25 than there will be between 25 and 30, let alone over 30. There's more to what makes a woman a good wife than just that of course, but you're probably not interested in virgins with terrible values, and waiting for marriage does have value. Don't let people shame you into trying to think otherwise.
It's not about the physical activity that makes me not want to date/marry a woman who has not had sex before. It's about not wanting to inherit baggage and being able to trust my partner to remain faithful by ensuring they don't look at everything through the lens the culture has trained people to look through- the sexual lens.
Hey, I understand. While saving one's self for marriage does not guarantee that the person won't cheat later, many who fornicate remain in touch or get back in touch, and many of them get back together for flings. You don't need that. (This can also happen if people were in a relationship that didn't go all the way but was interrupted, i.e. two teenagers were dating and one of them had to move - another thing to watch out for.)
Knowing married couples has actually solidified my my standards on this even more. I didn't ask for this information, but a married couple that is close to me had confided in me that they were arguing about whether one of them can think about past partners to get off. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" was brought up, and since both had pasts, that was enough to bring them both into agreement to not do that. In other words, one partner with a past wasn't letting it go, and the other partner's past had to be weaponized in order get the first partner to stop.
I don't want a relationship like that. I don't want to need to play that card, or acquire that card to play. I want to save myself and be faithful, and I want to marry someone who saved herself, and will be faithful.
I'm just very frustrated by the fact that I've done everything that has been asked of me via the directives in the bible and essentially nobody else has. It seems like the only women who don't have sex before marriage either had no interest from men or no opportunities and are now 30+ years old or got married when they were 18 to 22 and are unavailable to me.
Isn't there a single attractive girl walking on this planet between the ages of 18 and 25 who have resisted the sin of fornication? Not because they didn't have the opportunity to engage in intercourse, but because they've been courageous enough to say "no" as I have? It seems like there aren't.
Honestly, I've been tempted to sleep around like everyone else so I can no longer expect or want to date/marry a virgin, as doing so would make me a hypocrite. The only thing keeping me from doing this is knowing that fornication is a sin and the 0.000001% chance that I'll find a virgin woman who I like but won't want to be with me because of my forced baggage.
The problem is, every woman who isn't a virgin anymore and ceased to wait came to a similar conclusion. As have men who ceased to wait, came to a similar conclusion, and decreased the number of virgin women out there, and also increased the body counts of the non-virgin women out there. You would be contributing to your own problem because you're not becoming more marriageable, nor are you making women more marriageable if you go down that path.
A good friend of mine in the Lord has a past. He has said, that if you don't break it, God doesn't have to fix it.
Since God doesn't guarantee to fix it (even though he will forgive you), I don't suggest going out, breaking it, and expecting him to fix it when you come around back. That's a form of putting him to the test (Matt 4:6-7).
That, and when you stand before God, "everybody else was doing it" won't be an excuse. As a Christian, and as an individual, you must do the right thing, even if it is unpopular. The wrong thing is still wrong to do.
I was planning to travel around the USA soon for 6 months, and one of my motivations for doing so was the prospect of meeting a Godly woman who is a virgin like me (if I'm being honest). Now, I don't feel like there's any point.
Virgin or not, I wouldn't expect to meet a good future wife on a 6 month trip to multiple locations in a large country. I mean, it could happen, but you could also meet her in Canada.
the reality is that if I had done what everybody else seems to do, I'd have had many girlfriends or been married by now because fornication wouldn't have been an issue to me.
With easy divorce these days, there's a good chance that would end in divorce, both of you would have been selfish. If you're avoiding divorce, you're coming out ahead, you do not need that pain and that baggage and those legal consequences.
