- Jul 3, 2021
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While there have been many positive things about my faith, I would be lying if I didn't say I've had a fairly tumultuous experience as a Christian. I was first baptized at the age of 5, scared into it basically, though I did believe and still remember being dunked into the water with crystal clarity.
My life of faith did not last, unfortunately. I was raised in a non-christian household, turned away from christianity by an odd denomination, and slowly drifted toward agnosticism by my early adult years. Some years later, a friend had brought over a new movie, the Gospel of John which spoke to me in a new way for some odd reason, prompting me to pray seriously for the first time in my life that I can remember. The response I received was near-immediate, miraculous, painfully traumatic, and one I'll never forget. But this is not about that experience.
This is about another, less optimistic experience. A few years after my reconversion I was still trying to find my place in christianity. I had relocated to a rural neighborhood in the South Eastern side of the States, with a small, white church with a steeple at the end road, the kind that is not all too uncommon for the area. I was attending a different church at that time and was busy doing the common christian thing, contemplating God's will for my life and such. All seemed common and not out of place at that point, despite a few things I had been struggling with.
It was at that time that one night, as I was drifting off to sleep I received my first vivid interior locution. For inexplicable reasons, the steeple of that church appeared to me, and the cross seated at the top, fell off. As I had never experienced this kind of thing before, it startled me, and within moments, a dark spiritual presence descended on me like a ton of bricks.
It was a presence that I had dealt with on one occasion before: the first time it came to me, it was cruel and malicious, inspiring within me imaginations of beings torturing people in a sick, self-evidently malevolent way. I had shunned it the first time without hesitation. This time, however, it came at me as if to overpower me, as though I could barely hang on and would be lost had I given in. Beside being malevolent and sick, it gives the impression of darkness, death and spiritual coldness. I spent a good portion of the night forcing myself to imagine myself fastening myself to the cross by a chain, as if it was an anchor, while repeating "I belong to the Lord Jesus Christ who redeemed me at Calvary," for how long I can't recall, but eventually it left.
That was the last time, God willing, that I'll ever face that monster. But it raises interesting questions, not only about my experiences but those of others. Further, this along with many of my experiences have formed within me and unalterable faith in the "character" of the goodness of God and the necessity of the rejection of spiritual malice and false, malicious notions of holiness. From my perspective, it's very much better to be a sinner, stumbling in the light of Christ than to be given over to the repugnance of that murderous evil even if it seems to be something good on the surface. This is all something I typically keep in the closet but I must say, it seems to be taking on new relevance for me in current times.
If anyone has insight to contribute it is most welcome and appreciated.
Lastly, a closing thought:
[1Jo 1:5 NKJV] 5 This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.
My life of faith did not last, unfortunately. I was raised in a non-christian household, turned away from christianity by an odd denomination, and slowly drifted toward agnosticism by my early adult years. Some years later, a friend had brought over a new movie, the Gospel of John which spoke to me in a new way for some odd reason, prompting me to pray seriously for the first time in my life that I can remember. The response I received was near-immediate, miraculous, painfully traumatic, and one I'll never forget. But this is not about that experience.
This is about another, less optimistic experience. A few years after my reconversion I was still trying to find my place in christianity. I had relocated to a rural neighborhood in the South Eastern side of the States, with a small, white church with a steeple at the end road, the kind that is not all too uncommon for the area. I was attending a different church at that time and was busy doing the common christian thing, contemplating God's will for my life and such. All seemed common and not out of place at that point, despite a few things I had been struggling with.
It was at that time that one night, as I was drifting off to sleep I received my first vivid interior locution. For inexplicable reasons, the steeple of that church appeared to me, and the cross seated at the top, fell off. As I had never experienced this kind of thing before, it startled me, and within moments, a dark spiritual presence descended on me like a ton of bricks.
It was a presence that I had dealt with on one occasion before: the first time it came to me, it was cruel and malicious, inspiring within me imaginations of beings torturing people in a sick, self-evidently malevolent way. I had shunned it the first time without hesitation. This time, however, it came at me as if to overpower me, as though I could barely hang on and would be lost had I given in. Beside being malevolent and sick, it gives the impression of darkness, death and spiritual coldness. I spent a good portion of the night forcing myself to imagine myself fastening myself to the cross by a chain, as if it was an anchor, while repeating "I belong to the Lord Jesus Christ who redeemed me at Calvary," for how long I can't recall, but eventually it left.
That was the last time, God willing, that I'll ever face that monster. But it raises interesting questions, not only about my experiences but those of others. Further, this along with many of my experiences have formed within me and unalterable faith in the "character" of the goodness of God and the necessity of the rejection of spiritual malice and false, malicious notions of holiness. From my perspective, it's very much better to be a sinner, stumbling in the light of Christ than to be given over to the repugnance of that murderous evil even if it seems to be something good on the surface. This is all something I typically keep in the closet but I must say, it seems to be taking on new relevance for me in current times.
If anyone has insight to contribute it is most welcome and appreciated.
Lastly, a closing thought:
[1Jo 1:5 NKJV] 5 This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.
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