I was having thoughts about having rejected God, but I said no to that thought, but then after that I thought "I already left Him" or something like that, even thought I didn't mean it. In reality I don't want to leave Him at all but I have always had self-destructive and self-sabotaging tendencies. Everytime I have something good going for me I destroy/sabotage it somehow, I don't even want to do it, it just happens naturally and I guess it's the same with my relationship with God, if I even have one anymore.
Now I just feel numb, and I am logically remorseful but I feel no remorse for my thought. I would want to feel remorse. I hate myself so much, I deserve to be destroyed but I hope for mercy.
Now I just feel numb, and I am logically remorseful but I feel no remorse for my thought. I would want to feel remorse. I hate myself so much, I deserve to be destroyed but I hope for mercy.