Hi brothers and sisters. Thank you for your prayers. They have helped me through this agonizing time.
Good news: all my medical testing came back mostly normal. Bad news: my doctor and I came to the conclusion that significant life stressors have been aggravating my underlying IBS and PTSD. He warned me that it's been to the point where my survival has been, and could still be, threatened.
This means instead of having a biological issue that can be treated with medications, I've had make changes. Big changes. Changes I didn't want to make. I begged the Lord to change things for me. Well, I've been doing that for years. I don't want to be doing what I'm doing right now. But apparently I have to.
I'm just so sad. I can't even grieve yet because it doesn't seem real. I uprooted my entire life, and my kids' lives. I went from a life of peaceful, rural (isolated) living with my husband to a life of chaotic suburban living with my mom. My kids and I have been here for 3 days. We had to travel across multiple states for many hours, including an overnight stay. Two of my other family members sacrificed days of their own time and hundreds of their own dollars to help us get here. We traveled caravan-style. I haven't been able to drive my kids for over a month now because of my symptoms. And urban driving is very new to me. I've never done it.
In the coming days and weeks, I must decide whether to stay in this state where my mom and family are, or to go back to the area where my husband is. I would have to get my own place. We can't live together anymore and a divorce will be necessary. I have a very tiny support network back where my husband is... just really one person I can count on to talk to. But I don't think she can leave work to care for me if I'm cripplingly ill. I never was able to build a support network since my husband isolated me so effectively. Now I would theoretically be able to make more friends since I have nothing to hide anymore. I'm no longer covering for his dysfunctional behavior and trying to protect our marriage.
Where my mom is, I already have a tremendous amount of suppport from her and her co-workers. My other family members and friends are a reasonable driving distance away. However, my father who horribly physically abused my mom, siblings, and me is also in this area. He sexually abused me when I was very young as well. So, my dad poses a far greater physical threat to my kids and me since he did bring real bodily harm upon us. We almost didn't survive him.
My dad hasn't tried to find me since I've been so far away for many years. But now that I'm back, he may go back to stalking me like he did for most of my early adult life. Even when I was out of state, he contacted me in bizarre, scary ways. He knows my kids' full names. Thanks Facebook (sarcasm here). Too bad my family and in-laws didn't listen to me about keeping my kids' info and photos off the Internet.
I have these precious little ones to protect, so I must be very wise and careful in my decisions. I don't want to cave in to earthly or fleshly fear, but I know from experience that some fear is justly founded. I wish my dad would just give up and leave us alone, but he doesn't. If he gets wind that I'm on my own, that would make us even more vulnerable.
My husband has emotionally and verbally abused me, and has contributed to the great degree of physical suffering I've experienced in this illness. But I am not worried about him harming the kids or me in the same way I am worried about my dad doing that. Do I think he'll manipulate the kids, yes. He'll also gaslight me and confuse me till I'm at my wit's end. But I am also conflicted about having the kids grow up so far away from their papa. He effectively wouldn't be able to see them more than a couple times a year with his work schedule and the ridiculous travel distance.
This area near my mom is filled with many more opportunities, and would give me some distance from my husband and the emotionally abusive dynamics he's controlled me with for years. However, if he sees that I am serious about moving on from our marriage and truly want to work with him as a parent, maybe it could work. I don't know. I am wondering what his reaction will be, but I've been limiting our communication to give myself time to physically heal.
It's difficult to be in this limbo state because we have no long-term medical care or services without being residents here. My youngest child has special needs and receives services on a regular basis. So, as much as I want to give myself time to heal, I need to wisely make a decision so that she can continue to develop the best she can. Also, I've been homeschooling my children for years. But I think it may be time for at least my oldest to start attending school. And it may be time for my middle child to also attend school, or at least join an activity group and start to be around other kids. What I'm saying is that the school year is rapidly approaching so I must start making choices.
Please pray for heavenly wisdom for my family and me. I have a lot of people giving me advice and I am praying for our Father in heaven to help me and guide me.
Praying for you, and your family, and all the doctors, specialists, and staff, and that God's grace and His guidance supersedes ALL things tomorrow. Father may it be so, in Jesus' name, amen. (((hug)))
