Relationship pitfalls

[Milan Polenta]

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[ripple the car]

Friend, it does sound like those are some pretty serious "taupe" flags. It is best to marry a woman who shares your specifically Christian values, and faith. I will pray for you guys.

 

[AvgJoe]

Hello...

First off, I am conflicted about posting this here publicly at all.
That said, I feel there is a chance that it could yield some peace of mind.

I've been in a relationship with a woman for the past 2 years. The first year of our relationship was very peaceful, with no major or obvious signs of incompatibility. She is a funny, healthy, intelligent woman, with many other qualities and assets.
The second year, however, has had some markedly different characteristics. The first "taupe" flag that appeared was when she got into a lengthy and loud argument with my father regarding "white male privilege", "feminism", and other such topics. It resulted in a stressful argument between us and came very close to ruining the trip entirely. However, we were able to overcome this.
About 4 months later, she made a terrible decision that put her in a very seriously compromised and dangerous situation, and which was ultimately extremely disrespectful action for someone in a committed relationship to do. I will not go in to details, and no, she did not cheat on me, but she defended her actions by retreating into rhetoric and insinuating that I was trying to exhibit control over what she does with her body. This was not the case, I assured her, and I had to be satisfied with telling her how hurt I was by this behavior and asserting that if what she wanted from a partner included my support for such idiotic actions, then she could find someone else. Nevertheless, we still managed to overcome this.
This week, we got into a long discussion about values. I have problems with some of her values, namely that she considers it a "human right" for a woman to end a pregnancy, no questions asked. I am medically educated, and even without invoking my religious and spiritual beliefs, I find this position to be appalling and deeply saddening. It concerns me that the person I envisioned having children with could take such a stance, for no other reason (that I can see) than that her feminist worldview insists on the exaltation of a woman's "right to choose" over a developing child's right to live. (I understand the arguments for abortion in cases of rape, incest, and danger to the life of the mother, and it is my opinion that these circumstances are no less tragic in the big picture.)

Ultimately I have become confused about whether or not I can ever truly trust that this woman will carry a child to term, and be a cooperative wife rather than using tired excuses to justify her sometimes selfish behavior.
There are other quandaries, related to my exploration of my family's religion, and her own spirituality, but I have rambled on long enough. Even though those might be seen as more relevant to this forum.
I understand people have the capacity for change, but it is not my aim to change her. As far as I can tell, her opinions have become more deeply entrenched in a system of dialectics designed to divide men and women than when we began seeing each-other.

I suppose in summation, my question to all you folks out there is: (from your experience)
-How much discord between value systems is too much discord to overcome?

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Is she a Christian? Biblically, a Christian should be looking to marry another believer who shares a similar commitment to following the Lord Jesus. Marriage to an unbeliever is not an option for the believer (2 Corinthians 6:14). So, if a Christian marries a non-Christian, he or she has indeed married the wrong person by violating God’s will.

Ask God about your relationship. Pray to the Lord, asking Him to clearly reveal to you what He would have you do (Philippians 4:6-7). Ask God to give you wisdom and discernment (James 1:5). God promises to grant prayer requests that are asked according to His will (1 John 5:14-15). Being wise and discerning are most definitely God's will. God wants you to make good relationship decisions. God desires Christians to be joyous and edified as a result of their relationships. If you ask God with an open heart and humble spirit, He will give you the relationship advice you need.

 

[Milan Polenta]

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[Milan Polenta]

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[Milan Polenta]

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[ripple the car]

She was, earlier in life, but no. Not now. She has huge problems with the Church, because of the myriad scandals therein, and her social policies and beliefs about gender roles.

I would seriously consider the possibility that this woman would not make a good wife for you, brother. Seriously. You would basically be married to a militant feminist who is deeply anti-God. That would be a struggle, and is probably not God's will for you. Better to marry a believer who understands and values Christian morals, faith, and piety.

 

[bèlla]

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[Jonaitis]

I suppose in summation, my question to all you folks out there is: (from your experience) -How much discord between value systems is too much discord to overcome?

If it leads to compromise where you stand and your good conscience, I would say. Your experience sounds very troubling, the rift is getting wider and ready to swallow either you or the relationship in the end inevitably.

 

[EagleScout88]

Hello @Milan Polenta,

Welcome to the forum and thank you so much for sharing your situation with us. I know it was probably a rather difficult thing to do as it was personal, that is the only way we can support one another! To answer your question, let me explain my situation. I have been happily married for twelve years. My wife and I are polar opposites based on personality. Based on the Meyers-Briggs model, I am an ENFP and she is an ISTJ (we have none in common). That written, the reason that we are happily married is because we both share the same values. We happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage and of life, the holiness of God the Father and salvation through His son Jesus Christ.

Mission and values are THE most important thing that any organization must establish before doing anything else because it will guide all decisions. You may want to spend some time alone identifying what your core values are and what your mission is before doing anything else.

Another thing to consider is that there may be someone who has begun influencing her this year. Is she in college? If so, what classes has she been taking? Is she in the workplace? If so, did she change jobs this past year? If there is someone influencing her, all these things may be superficial and not part of her core values.

I wish you the best. As you continue to “explore your family’s religion”, I would also consider learning more about Jesus Christ. The Bible reads, “Jesus answered ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father but through me.’” John 14:6 NIV

 

[Milan Polenta]

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