Hello all,
I have been having a lot of questions about life and I wished I never existed. However, I am open to change my mind. I don't understand why the Christian life is worth living for. Earth is a messy place, I have been experiencing emotional pain since I am 4 (never been raped or anything, I have just always felt like an outcast and the life God intended for me didn't help me either). I don't feel the need to belong and I am just numb to a lot of human activities (going out, going to movies, meeting friends). I prefer studying or reading books by myself. When I became a Christian, I thought I had received the abundant life of Christ, now I realize that I might only live it in heaven. I think I am depressed, really broken hearted for many things (rejection, unfulfilled longings) happening to me, angry at God but somewhat in reconciliation with Him, afraid to always live in pain. My external environment is not perfect but lots of people will be happy with what I have: I am seen as ambitious, driven woman and with a future. I now see the blessings of God as distractions from the boredom of life. I do have sins (sexual fantasies) and envy that I do to escape being in this world. However, I am working on them: I attend recovery group every week and I assess myself. I am not married but I don't think that's the solution of my problem. I think marriage and family are ties to this earth. I am talented and am very useful to the body of Christ. Church leaders love me because I give and work for the church. I am not saying these things to boast, but to show you that I really have a mental, perspective problem. While I don't want to commit suicide, I sometimes pray to God for Him to take my life: I just don't have the joy of living on earth. If I would have a terminal illness, I would not take any medication and let myself die. None of my happy moments are worth my time on earth and I wished I never existed. I do force myself to keep my relationship with God and share my feelings with Him, but it's hard to live on the sustaining grace rather than the healing of the mind. I also feel sad that some people who want to live die and those who don't, like me, are still alive. I am not meeting a therapist because that won't help and I'm afraid to get addicted to doctors and pills. I am self medicating myself with time alone with God and going through my pain instead of numbing it with alcohol, sex or food ,or shopping. I exercise, force myself into some hobbies. I love my birthday because I know I am a year closer to my death.
So, this is the baggage I carry everyday. Still, I smile because I know it makes people, but me, happy. I know my mind is not right and I memorize some scriptutes about purpose. Living this way is paralyzing: I'm afraid to be a bad witness , I feel like having to fight for joy for the rest of my life Any advice is welcome. Thank you!
I have been having a lot of questions about life and I wished I never existed. However, I am open to change my mind. I don't understand why the Christian life is worth living for. Earth is a messy place, I have been experiencing emotional pain since I am 4 (never been raped or anything, I have just always felt like an outcast and the life God intended for me didn't help me either). I don't feel the need to belong and I am just numb to a lot of human activities (going out, going to movies, meeting friends). I prefer studying or reading books by myself. When I became a Christian, I thought I had received the abundant life of Christ, now I realize that I might only live it in heaven. I think I am depressed, really broken hearted for many things (rejection, unfulfilled longings) happening to me, angry at God but somewhat in reconciliation with Him, afraid to always live in pain. My external environment is not perfect but lots of people will be happy with what I have: I am seen as ambitious, driven woman and with a future. I now see the blessings of God as distractions from the boredom of life. I do have sins (sexual fantasies) and envy that I do to escape being in this world. However, I am working on them: I attend recovery group every week and I assess myself. I am not married but I don't think that's the solution of my problem. I think marriage and family are ties to this earth. I am talented and am very useful to the body of Christ. Church leaders love me because I give and work for the church. I am not saying these things to boast, but to show you that I really have a mental, perspective problem. While I don't want to commit suicide, I sometimes pray to God for Him to take my life: I just don't have the joy of living on earth. If I would have a terminal illness, I would not take any medication and let myself die. None of my happy moments are worth my time on earth and I wished I never existed. I do force myself to keep my relationship with God and share my feelings with Him, but it's hard to live on the sustaining grace rather than the healing of the mind. I also feel sad that some people who want to live die and those who don't, like me, are still alive. I am not meeting a therapist because that won't help and I'm afraid to get addicted to doctors and pills. I am self medicating myself with time alone with God and going through my pain instead of numbing it with alcohol, sex or food ,or shopping. I exercise, force myself into some hobbies. I love my birthday because I know I am a year closer to my death.
So, this is the baggage I carry everyday. Still, I smile because I know it makes people, but me, happy. I know my mind is not right and I memorize some scriptutes about purpose. Living this way is paralyzing: I'm afraid to be a bad witness , I feel like having to fight for joy for the rest of my life Any advice is welcome. Thank you!