Can't change churches. Help?

[Valetic]

Sounds to me like you need practice in exercising the authority God has given you to lead your family in the way it should go.

Practice makes perfect! There's nothing to it but to get in there, rustle up some feathers and be the man in your household.

no she's overly protective and cautious about everything. Shed rather be lukewarm and safe than hot or cold and in danger.

 

[Kevin Snow]

no she's overly protective and cautious about everything. Shed rather be lukewarm and safe than hot or cold and in danger.

This demonstrates with clarity that you are afraid to wield the rod in your family and take charge. I guess every battle is lost already that we don't line up for.

 

[Call me Nic]

She does but then acts like she doesn't know what to do about it when I explain my situation to her and then she gets overly stressed and depressed and doesn't have an answer for anything and all she says is I don't know and becomes stressed and anxious and incapable of thinking any more because she knows she has to sacrifice what she wants in order to help me. But then she uses that against me and says stuff like well what about my spiritual walk and that she feels like God wants her to stay there

Well I certainly understand the spot you're in friend, I had to deal with this early on in my marriage as well (which I haven't been married long so it's only recently gotten better).

It seems to me you have a few options.

1.) Like everybody said previously, you both can go to separate churches where you both desire to be.
2.) Like what Kevin said, you can put your foot down (although, from experience, I know how quickly that will blow up in your face), but she will have to eventually submit to you because you are her husband. However, resentment can and will grow from being a powerhouse leader, and not a longsuffering leader.
3.) You can continue with where you're at right now in her church, hoping that something causes her to want to move away from it down the road and focus on your personal walk.

1 is a compromise that could be satisfactory to both parties, but could cause spiritual distance between you two. 2 is satisfactory for you only but will undoubtedly cause contention, and like proverbs says, better to be on the corner of a rooftop than in a house with a contentious woman. 3 is satisfactory to her, but leaves you disappointed with your congregation and ultimately unsatisfied spiritually.

What I did at the time was find a way to ruffle the feathers of those that go to that church by penetrating their lukewarmness with the light of sound doctrine and zeal. Trust me, they won't know what to do with you, and will cause her to become uncomfortable. She's only uncomfortable because she isn't very challenged spiritually, and thus hasn't grown in the way you have. She hasn't had her bubble poked enough, so start poking it at the place she expects to not have it poked. Show her that your zeal cannot be quenched no matter what, and then she will ask you to stop doing what you're doing, and then you can easily shut her down by saying that she is asking you to disobey the commandments of the Lord and that you refuse to listen to her. Don't be a trouble maker like I was, but lead by example, essentially, is my entire point.

 

[Call me Nic]

This demonstrates with clarity that you are afraid to wield the rod in your family and take charge. I guess every battle is lost already that we don't line up for.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles. Meekness is strength that is not displayed or wielded, and is very much needed toward a wife that is weak and unwilling to submit to her husband. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. You can't brow-beat your wife into following you, (I mean you can), but she will resent you and it will end up hurting your marriage. Leading is a fragile art, and doesn't always necessarily need coercion.

 

[Kevin Snow]

Sometimes you have to pick your battles. Meekness is strength that is not displayed or wielded, and is very much needed toward a wife that is weak and unwilling to submit to her husband. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. You can't brow-beat your wife into following you, (I mean you can), but she will resent you and it will end up hurting your marriage. Leading is a fragile art, and doesn't always necessarily need coercion.

You can't lead without courage.

 

[Call me Nic]

You can't lead without courage.

It's not a lack of courage to desire peace rather than contention. There are ways of leading your wife without forcing her and causing strife. No, you cannot lead without courage, but you also cannot lead without wisdom and discernment.

Solomon prayed for wisdom and understanding when he became king, and look how well he ruled Israel: a time like no other in history for a nation.

 

[Valetic]

This demonstrates with clarity that you are afraid to wield the rod in your family and take charge. I guess every battle is lost already that we don't line up for.

If you only knew the problems I've had to deal with.

She has thyroid disease. She has mild turners syndrome. She is high functioning autistic. She has adhd, severe paranoia, anxiety like no other. She's not a normal woman. She cant have kids. She has more problems than doctors even know how to handle so they give her the run around. She takes 5 different medicines a day. I have to provide a home for us on top of taking care of the house when I get home after working 12 hour days and the weeks I actually get to go to church I have to go to hers or else she wants to pitch a fit and then we just don't ever talk.

You want to tell me I'm not a real man? Please. I'd like to see you walk in my shoes and see all I go through and see whether you would say I do. I respect her enough and care enough not to make her freak out over this issue not because I don't wield the rod. It's literally like raising a kid sometimes. I have to be careful how I walk just to keep her happy and without letting her get herself upset about her hair loss and other plethora of paranoid issues. What you have said is probably one of the most arrogant things a person had said to me on this forum.

No hard feelings but I'm at a loss here and her pastor isn't exactly for me in this situation because he doesn't want to see us go either. So I can pry her fingers away from her church and she be miserable with me or I go to her church and be miserable with her. I'd rather the latter and her happy than me just to give her more of a comfortable life than she already has to go through!

 

[Dave G.]

I'd be uncomfortable in a Pentecostal church too, fwiw. I have a certain empathy for someone not wanting to attend that body (in this case your wife). On the other hand it sounds much like your wife is going to the old church she knows for the wrong reasons, church isn't about old friends and family but worshiping God. She is married now too. Basically she doesn't want to give up her roots, it's her comfort zone. You guys may just have to bite the bullet and go to two different churches separately for some time.

My wife and I did that for years and then not at all for a bunch of years after that. We do now travel pretty far for church regularly but we now go together and neither one is in the original church or even denomination.. And that travel time is time together, usually lunch out etc. But the big thing and why we travel so far is we both feel the Spirit there and we get a real message there..

 

[Kevin Snow]

It's not a lack of courage to desire peace rather than contention. There are ways of leading your wife without forcing her and causing strife. No, you cannot lead without courage, but you also cannot lead without wisdom and discernment.

Solomon prayed for wisdom and understanding when he became king, and look how well he ruled Israel: a time like no other in history for a nation.

The present moment is what is needed to be recognized. A leader has to lead. If he always receives contention for this then that is rebellion and not merely contention. The woman has a responsibility to submit to her husband. If she does not do this then she has denied the faith.

If you can't lead in your house, it has NOTHING to do with what other people do to you for it. It has everything to do with taking the standard up and LEADING.

 

[Kevin Snow]

If you only knew the problems I've had to deal with.

She has thyroid disease. She has mild turners syndrome. She is high functioning autistic. She has adhd, severe paranoia, anxiety like no other. She's not a normal woman. She cant have kids. She has more problems than doctors even know how to handle so they give her the run around. She takes 5 different medicines a day. I have to provide a home for us on top of taking care of the house when I get home after working 12 hour days and the weeks I actually get to go to church I have to go to hers or else she wants to pitch a fit and then we just don't ever talk.

You want to tell me I'm not a real man? Please. I'd like to see you walk in my shoes and see all I go through and see whether you would say I do. I respect her enough and care enough not to make her freak out over this issue not because I don't wield the rod. It's literally like raising a kid sometimes. I have to be careful how I walk just to keep her happy and without letting her get herself upset about her hair loss and other plethora of paranoid issues. What you have said is probably one of the most arrogant things a person had said to me on this forum.

No hard feelings but I'm at a loss here and her pastor isn't exactly for me in this situation because he doesn't want to see us go either. So I can pry her fingers away from her church and she be miserable with me or I go to her church and be miserable with her. I'd rather the latter and her happy than me just to give her more of a comfortable life than she already has to go through!

I am diagnosed autistic and have been my entire life. And it is NO excuse! A woman has to submit to her man and NONE of that excuses her from doing this.

 

[Dave G.]

If you only knew the problems I've had to deal with.

She has thyroid disease. She has mild turners syndrome. She is high functioning autistic. She has adhd, severe paranoia, anxiety like no other. She's not a normal woman. She cant have kids. She has more problems than doctors even know how to handle so they give her the run around. She takes 5 different medicines a day. I have to provide a home for us on top of taking care of the house when I get home after working 12 hour days and the weeks I actually get to go to church I have to go to hers or else she wants to pitch a fit and then we just don't ever talk.

You want to tell me I'm not a real man? Please. I'd like to see you walk in my shoes and see all I go through and see whether you would say I do. I respect her enough and care enough not to make her freak out over this issue not because I don't wield the rod. It's literally like raising a kid sometimes. I have to be careful how I walk just to keep her happy and without letting her get herself upset about her hair loss and other plethora of paranoid issues. What you have said is probably one of the most arrogant things a person had said to me on this forum.

No hard feelings but I'm at a loss here and her pastor isn't exactly for me in this situation because he doesn't want to see us go either. So I can pry her fingers away from her church and she be miserable with me or I go to her church and be miserable with her. I'd rather the latter and her happy than me just to give her more of a comfortable life than she already has to go through!

I had not read this message before posting my other message, maybe it came in as I typed the other one. Well, I'd have to think on this info a bit.

 

[Call me Nic]

The present moment is what is needed to be recognized. A leader has to lead. If he always receives contention for this then that is rebellion and not merely contention. The woman has a responsibility to submit to her husband. If she does not do this then she has denied the faith.

If you can't lead in your house, it has NOTHING to do with what other people do to you for it. It has everything to do with taking the standard up and LEADING.

Don't get me wrong, I agree with you that the husband must lead and the wife must submit, but I believe our philosophy about leading is a little different. How do you lead a woman while honoring her as we're required to? Are you honoring her by coercing her into doing your will?

A woman must be loved by her husband as Christ loves the church, and must submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ. Paul uses this as an example for marriage, but isn't it true that the church submits to Christ and trusts him? Likewise, a wife must be able to trust her husband's leadership that she submits to.

Now, don't mistake me here: if a woman is refusing to submit to a husband that is blameless, then she has indeed denied the faith, but often times in these cases, there is more to the situation than meets the eye. I'm not saying you're wrong, but I'm imploring you not to be so brazen on a matter we don't really know a lot about.

 

[Strong in Him]

She gets deeply grieved to the point of depression.

That's a shame.

Could you explain, or have you explained, that forcing yourself to worship in a church that you don't feel is right for you, is maybe grieving you to the point of depression?
Does her church have an evening service? Would she let you go elsewhere in the morning, and you both go in the evening? Could you invite some of her friends round to the house for a coffee/coffee morning/Bible study that you both attend, so she can see you are not dismissing her church? Do they have a mid week communion service, for example?

Could you talk seriously to her Minister/Pastor - not giving the idea that you are dissing his church (which I'm sure you aren't), but just explaining the situation? He should be concerned, at least, that one of his flock might be having arguments or marriage problems and/or is unhappy.
If he is wise, he will also be concerned for your wife's spiritual life and hopefully will try to discourage dependency on a building/group of people/traditions.

 

[Strong in Him]

If you only knew the problems I've had to deal with.

She has thyroid disease. She has mild turners syndrome. She is high functioning autistic. She has adhd, severe paranoia, anxiety like no other. She's not a normal woman. She cant have kids. She has more problems than doctors even know how to handle so they give her the run around. She takes 5 different medicines a day. I have to provide a home for us on top of taking care of the house when I get home after working 12 hour days and the weeks I actually get to go to church I have to go to hers or else she wants to pitch a fit and then we just don't ever talk.

You want to tell me I'm not a real man? Please. I'd like to see you walk in my shoes and see all I go through and see whether you would say I do. I respect her enough and care enough not to make her freak out over this issue not because I don't wield the rod. It's literally like raising a kid sometimes. I have to be careful how I walk just to keep her happy and without letting her get herself upset about her hair loss and other plethora of paranoid issues. What you have said is probably one of the most arrogant things a person had said to me on this forum.

No hard feelings but I'm at a loss here and her pastor isn't exactly for me in this situation because he doesn't want to see us go either.

I'm so sorry to read all this.

So I can pry her fingers away from her church and she be miserable with me or I go to her church and be miserable with her. I'd rather the latter and her happy than me just to give her more of a comfortable life than she already has to go through!

That is an amazingly selfless attitude.

I'm not sure about the gifts of the Spirit, but His fruit can be seen in you in abundance - especially love, patience and kindness. I pray for peace for you both, too.

 

[paul1149]

I don't know what to do I'm married to this woman who is obstinate in her ways and if I try to change this she will become very unhappy and it will cause spiritual division between us. She doesn't ever want to pray or read the bible so why does she care what church we go to? Oh that's right those people there are like her family and she loves them to much

Dude, the spiritual division you need to fear is between you and the Holy Spirit. What if your wife was a non-believer and your choice was to go to church at all or not, to keep the peace? Sometimes division is what it is.

My sense here is go where the Spirit is leading. There's a world of fruitfulness awaiting you there. And the proof is that in the old church you are dying. Nothing is worth that!

If you go, and prosper spiritually, that may be the most powerful witness possible to your wife, to convince her that she needs to place seeking God's will for her life #1, above all else.

Don't do anything because I said it, though. Seek the Lord for yourself and see whose counsel He affirms.

Peace and wisdom (James 3)

 

[Valetic]

Could you talk seriously to her Minister/Pastor

In time yes I'm still not reinvested back into the church. I might try asking some more about ministries and missions because by desire to serve is dying there and unless I can come under the power and influence of the Holy spirit I fear I will have this lukewarmness come back again. I already have begun to snap out of it after 2 years so I will continue to keep trying to work and grow and change. All I know to do..

 

[Strong in Him]

In time yes I'm still not reinvested back into the church. I might try asking some more about ministries and missions because by desire to serve is dying there and unless I can come under the power and influence of the Holy spirit I fear I will have this lukewarmness come back again. I already have begun to snap out of it after 2 years so I will continue to keep trying to work and grow and change. All I know to do..

I wish I had a husband like you.
God bless you.

 

[Valetic]

Are the spiritual gifts really important? I just want to lead people to Christ... our pastor is always telling people to share our testimony but mine is messed up because I got saved while I was drugged up. God did eventually use this church to lead me away from drugs. Maybe I just need to worry about some of the basics like good relationship mechanics and my relationship with God before I should worry about evangelizing and the spiritual gifts.

But I want so bad to serve also and how can we do this without the Holy Spirit and His power and leading. I want discipleship maybe? Like a mentor of some sort?

 

[paul1149]

Are the spiritual gifts really important?

In my view they're extremely important. But also, they can be abused and used as a divertment from truly following Christ. Maybe you could go to the other church for midweek service? Usually that's a more family-oriented thing, but you never know. Or there might be cell groups that meet on weeknights.

The bottom line, though, AISI, it that you have to go where you are fed and grow. If one church leads to backsliding, while the other leads to passionately following God, I would consider that fact. I don't believe the former circumstance would actually be helping your wife. But these are things you have to weigh. I certainly could be wrong from this distance.

 

[Traveling teacher]

bro

went through almost the same exact experience you did....
20 years ago
as I grew up conservative Church of Christ and after getting
filled with the Spirit wanted to leave....
my wife didnt

i can say this that everything you say is true.....
wanting to leave.....

but you can find a ministry in almost any church....
also some of these conservative churches are good for families and can help you with your marriage which is what you need
right now
my wife and I decided to serve in the kids ministry together....
as a lot of the church service was laturgical.....

we eventually decided to move to a Bible Church
that was a compromise for both of us
as I wanted to go to a pentecostal/charismatic church

it worked pretty well for a few years then dried up
but I did get involved in the mens group
and we continued to teach childrens classes together

I guess bottom line is ask the Lord
where do you want me to serve you?
in what ministry do you want me to serve you in the Church?

if you feel called to work outside the church
these are some ministries I have been involved in:
- drug rehab prayer counsel and bible study
one on one and small group
- jail ministry...counseling, bible study and prayer
- mens group interdenomination...promise keepers
- street evangelism with some other groups

pray about this and ask her pastor if he knows any ministry in the community you can be involved in....

instead of fighting everything in her family
I would say you could just go there for a season until God leads yall out together....
may be a while....
but in the meantime search out ministries in the community as you may be more comfortable there